today is carlisa's birthday

a left-handed sharpshooter, carlisa (far left) went to a famous florida university, full scholarship to be their shooting guard.

now an up n coming fashion designer, a business she founded with her younger sister, carlisa is poised to take over the world.

i first met her at a pick-up game in venice beach where i was dominating in '98. this one guy said, you're good but you cant beat me and my sister. turned out that i could beat him and his sister, only problem was carlisa wasnt his sister and they cheated and won in a landslide and took me for ten bucks.

my last ten bucks.

unfortunately the bet was for $100 and as the guy held me, carlisa got to take 100 shots at my thin frame.

good thing she hits like a girl.

happy birthday carlisa!

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in baseball when the catcher puts down the number one finger, that means fastball, if he thinks someone is stealing the signs he might put two fingers down and adjust his mask, the adjustment means "fuck what i threw down, its gonna be a fastball."

some catchers just throw down any fingers so the pitcher needs to count how many pumps the catcher made, if he throws down fingers just once its a fastball, twice its a curve.

me and jeanine do the same thing on the phone because its tapped due to some counterintelligence that we havent all sorted out yet.

we do it with "i love yous." lets say we need to rendevous at the Rustic. well, thats everyones favorite place so that is one exchange of "i love you's"

me: i love you
she: i love you too, see you next week.

that means, "fine, see you at the rustic ASAP."

if she wants to meet at The Drawing Room across the street from the Rustic, that would be the second option so she'll throw in another "i love you" at the end of the convo.

me: thanks for calling, pretty girl, i love you.
she: i love you too.
me: ok, bye.
she: i love you a lot.
me: i love you a lot too, bye.

and so on.

just like in baseball, you can wipe off a sign real easy by touching your cheek or rubbing your left leg with your right hand.

me and jeanine do it the simple way by sarcasticly inserting a "but secretly i hate you," added with a laugh.

yesterday she called and wanted to meet me on the wesssside at my favorite bar over there Del's Saloon.

but since i dont live anywhere near there any more, it takes a lot of "pumps" to get it out.

me: ok, sexy secretary. i love you.
she: right on nice boy, i love you too.
me: ok bye.
she: but i really love you.
me: but i really love you too.
she: as in love love, but not in the way that you're hoping, but i love you.
me: yes, i love you in a filthy way.
she: your filthy way is sweet, thats why i love you.
me: ok bye.
she: but i love you anyway.
me: thats a whole lotta love. i love you too.
she: like whitney said when bobby brought her home the oregon buds, i will always love you.
me: yeah me too.
she: ok, i love you.
me: ok, see you at the gospel brunch sunday at the house of blues.
she: definately! but be there on time this time, mister.
me: you were the one who was late.
she: hehehe yeah, i know.

that means, get your ass over to Del's pronto.

when we got there she told me that she loved it when i put pictures of monkeys on my site. which wasnt code for nothing.

but this is: hey jeanine, check out this crazy canadian who loves, i mean loves fountains-- thanks sks.

and thanks a. beam for letting me know how many times i scooped Time's ass. well, shit, id hope so.

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the Italian Open took another victim today when our very own Anna Kournikova had to withdraw from her doubles match due to injury after she lost in straight sets to Spain's Ruano Pascual 6-3, 6-2.

Earlier in the week Venus Williams went down from a wrist injury, Martina Hingis dropped out from a leg problem, and now our girl Anna.

If ever there was a clue as to why pro tennis players start young and retire young, look no further than these three athletes who have been forced to succumb to the grueling tennis tour.

Kournikova's injury is still being eclipsed by news surrounding her reputed Penthouse photos. On Tuesday U.S. District Court Judge Denny Chin ordered that Penthouse stop delivering additional copies of the magazine and he blocked the posting of the photographs on the magazine's Web site. They can still be viewed on this site, probably because I never said they were Anna.

Anna wore a blue top and matching blue shorts when she lost to Pascual and became injured.

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dawn's first favorite blog dawn and marc interview each other and theres nothing that gets me to read an article on the web faster than if im pretty sure they might talk about me or my friends.

thankfully, they said nice things.

this guy i work with turned me on to "the amazing race" and today they had a 2 hour special season finale.

all i gotta say: amazing.

this crazy show had me cheering and laughing and slapping my knee.

i learned that it is good to cast incredibly unlikeable people into modern gameshows like this because it is so much fun to root against them and curse when they are winning.

doug goodstein was executive producer of "the howard stern show" and personal manager of Hank the Drunken Angry Dwarf. everyone thought he was crazy to leave the howard stern show this year to produce the amazing race.

ashley has several auctions on ebay. i just have one, two tickets to elvis costello at ucla.

today is tori spellings twenty eighth birthday. buy them for her!

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a year ago, nearly to the day this very webpage interviewed a young canadian living in texas named Leah who had a cool webpage called "spit on a stranger."

she still does, and Blogger decided on Friday to name her site Blog of Note.

not long ago i wrote about Rabbit and sure enough she wound up as the Blog of Note weeks afterwards.

So Blogger, here's all the other things I wrote about last May, maybe you want to dig around there for some more material...while leaving me out of the mix.

For those of you who don't remember, last year I started employment at my work and OJ interviewed me and we discussed Anna Kournikova well before her nude? pictures came out.

Last year there were birthday tributes to both Mary and Karisa.

There were FBI stories, pics of friends, amy got married, I gave much love to my moms, and Buffy got slayed.

Oh, and how could I forget, I met Ashley for the first time.

And speaking of her, if we are to believe the photograph is of her, Miss Irvine 2002 now has a tattoo thanks to her bed buddy, Rocko.

Pretty much the same stuff we cover now, we covered then.

No wonder Blogger isnt interested in me.

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today is the wedding anniversary of two of the coolest people ever i know, i know, i cant go one day without slobberring over my friends, but if you had friends like these you'd be doing the same damn thing, so step.

greg and i knew each other in the dorms. he was quiet. little did i know that he spoke with his guitar and his paint brush, but i'd learn that later.

molli and i crossed paths in school too, i dont know how, though, that whole 7 years was just a pleasant blurry buzz but i remember that she was not quiet but always had a smile and new shitloads about music, so she got my respect immediately.

molli tells about their romance beautifully in her blog, it's sticky sweet so bring a toothbrush for afterwards, but i cannot believe that it was three years ago that we were all invited to Frisco for the best country-rock wedding of all time.

i danced and danced and danced and danced. something i never do. and i wasnt the only one. we were all very happy that two perfect people who were even more perfect together were doing exactly what they should have been doing.

one reason that i moved into Layne's old pad was cuz i could be closer to these cool kids, but alas, they moved to a spectacular home, but im stoked that we still get to see each other a lot.

happy anniversary greg and molli, im sure there are many more to come.

p.s. dont tell anyone but i think shes got a bun in the oven.

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people have called me an innovator and that makes me happy, even though i disagree.

but this morning im going to do something that i believe has never been done before.

now, im no runway model, or rugged pretty boy musician, but somehow i can find dates here in LA.

i've asked girls out in person, on the phone, via email-- ive even had success passing notes.

so today im going to ask a girl out via my Blog.

and i will do it without even naming her name.

watch:

dear single girl,

we've met each other. we've swapped some emails. we've had some drinks.

the last email i wrote weeks ago i said that i'd hang out with you and you never wrote back.

probably shy.

that's okay, i like shy girls.

but i dont think youre so shy.

this is what i want, i want to go out with you one night soon. as in very soon.

all you have to do is email me back with your phone number and i'll ask you properly.

you know it will be fun.

tony

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we have a new Stone Pimp! no, not you Fidel, or you Jimmy, i have no problems with either of you, in fact you're both showing a lot of chutzpah for being men about this whole thing and getting it together, but neither of you has flowed $40 or more into the Snoop Fund like SP did so...

That's right, last night SP became a Stone Pimp and I was more than pleasantly surprised because I haven't been hyping the Fund in a while and it's nice to know that you dont have to constantly be holding your hand out to get someone else's hard-earned samolians.

Thank you SP.

I'm speechless.

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my red phone rang. i nearly shit. no one knows about that line except my boss, so i thought i was getting fired.

it was him. "tony! the instapundit linked you!!!!"

i said, "no way."

he said, "way! way way way!"

i said, "for what?"

he said, "for your stupid weezer thing."

i said, "i think this is the first time that ive been linked by him since i auctioned off something ridiculous."

my boss said, "why do you think he doesn't link you?"

i said, "i think it's cuz i dont write enough."

my boss said, "yeah, and [click]"

it was my call waiting. i excused myself. who on Earth was calling my hot line?

"collect call from Rome," the automated voice said. i dont pay the bills on the phone so i accepted the call, although i was about to pity the fool for not using 1800COLLECT.

"Tony I VON I VON!"

i would recognize that voice anywhere. it was anna. my love.

"of course you won, baby. i always said you would win."

it helped that she wasnt facing Venus Williams who had dropped out, but i kept that to myself.

"oh it was fantastic tony, everything i hit was right. my shots were like lazers, my serves were perfect. oh, i wish you could have seen it."

"trust me anna, we all wish we could see it." i said. "what was the score?"

"6-1 4-6 6-1" she yelled.

God it was good to hear those upper registers.

"Anna you fucking killed her."

"I know I know I know!" she said.

"hey did you hear that that st. louis jeweler said that he thought those pictures were of you because of diamater of your nipples?"

"whaaaat?"

"oh shit, anna i gotta go, my boss is on the other line."

"but..."

"im so sorry, congratulations, kid, but i gotta go. im sorry, i'll talk to you tonight."

"hey!"

"this is the red phone, baby, you know that."

"fine."

"ok, bye."

"hey!" she pouted. "dont you love me?"

"yes, i love you anna. nice work!"

"caio, babeee."

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put down your venus voodoo dolls, mission accomplished.

in a shocking turn of events, venus williams took the court in rome minutes before her scheduled match against russian star Anna Kournikova to withdraw due to an injury to her wrist sustained while picking up a bag.

the compton native was entering her seventh straight week at number one on the wta ranking system as she was expected to defeat kournikova easilly in the $1.2 million tournament which is generally regarded as a tune up for the French Open which is held in two weeks. both the Italian and French Opens are held on clay courts.

williams took the court and picked up a microphone and apologized to the half-full stadium that had arrived early in anticipation to the match that was to pit two of the more popular women in tennis.

"It happened this week," the 21 year old Williams said at a news conference later. "This morning in practice it hurt and then during the day it got worse with more swelling. I could have played with the pain but it did not seem correct.

"Hopefully it won't be very serious. Hopefully I'll be able to practice soon. I'm just going to take some time off and maybe finally see something in Rome," williams said.

Lilia Osterloh of the United States took Williams' place in the draw and will face Kournikova, who is not the woman that Penthouse claimed was topless in these revealing photographs.

when asked if he had anything to do with this odd occurance, hollywood journalist tony pierce had no comment, other than to say, "if anna wears that white top she can beat Lilia, but i doubt she wears it. that bitch is crazy."

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nothing in here is true, you know that. so let's make up something. let's pretend that me and welch (among a ton of people) worked at a paper in santa barbara. lets pretend that when welch was a kid he had a girlfriend, a first girlfriend, named shannon. and because los angeles is really much smaller than you'd ever imagine, of course shannon would go through life and find a new boyfriend, an excellent chap named justin who just happens to be super close friends with the fellas in weezer.

so of course justin and shannon lived for many years in the house where weezer lived for years when they were making it big way back when, which means that there would have been many parties at that house especially since the tune "in the garage" is really about that garage there at the amherst house which was soundproofed and is the perfect place for a midnight jam at a party.

so in my wildest dreams, would you think that rivers would be at a shannon justin party a few years ago? one of those years when he was taking a break from being a rock star? would you believe it if i typed that there was a teenage boy making a mess of the drums, jamming with justin and some randoms, playing cover tunes of all sorts? and would you believe that the teen sucked so bad that i kicked him off the drums and jumped in?

and would you believe that the shy little singer would pick that time to join the throng in the garage and take the guitar and ask us if we knew any nirvana songs?

i dont think you would.

which means you wouldnt believe that he had a spiral notebook that he cautiously pulled out that had about 40 of the seatle trio's songs handwritten with notes and chords and doodles which he sang from as we cranked out a half dozen of the classic tunes.

and would you believe the hi-hat was broken and the snares were off the drum and i sucked at the dilapidated set but i was drunk and not believing what was happening.

but if youre lucky or super lucky, crazy ass unbelievable shit like that happens all the time to you.

but nothing in here is true.

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jimmy carter is my favorite living president. he always had a smile on his face, his wife is hot, he was a minister, a farmer, but best of all his heart was always guiding him - not his politics or his weiner.

The man is 104 years old and when he's not building houses for the holy he's going down to Cuba and meeting Castro and Castro respects him so much that he threw on a suit and took off that tired camoflauge and even ran a brush through his hair. I bet any of you fake-ass republicans a buck that if Bush or Rush or Newt or any of those blowhards had the nads to go south Castro would have his warface on just as always.

And this is why you have the liberal peacenicks in the mix, to soften up the rudeboys and Jimmy is an american saint and we should all give thanks.

Lots of people have written in to ask me about my visit to Isla Vista and since I'm lazy and i'm trying to save the world over here, i will answer all the questions in this forum.

No, I saw the Leprechaun and he is alive! I even gave him one of my Guinnesses. He was sitting in this new park they have on the 6500 block of DP and he had like 3-4 cans of beer around him which means that I wasnt the only one who spotted him in his XXL Chicago Bulls parka being super sweet as always and saying nice things to karisa as we told him how happy we were to see that he was still alive. but it was weird. at first it was like seeing a ghost, cuz i was certain that he was dead. then i thought some bum was impersonating him to get the free beers from everyone, but after a minute i knew it was him: the coolest homeless man of all time.

Morninglory is gone. It's a dollar store now. I don't know where the kids buy their cds any more, if they buy them at all, but the best record store in the central coast has vanished.

we ate breakfast at Expresso Roma - not the Blue Dolphin, which Joe says got bought by a family that makes gyros during the week. The Roma breakfast was good but dont order your eggs "over easy" and unless you really want them "over well." which might explain why there were no lines and plenty of tables available at noon on sunday despite the ideal conditions for eating breakfast outside.

at Roma we ran into Sean White who totally remembered me and said that he is still writing songs but has yet to find the right situation to perform them with anyone... yet. kind and charming and poetic as always, it was a treat to run into him and an honor to be remembered by such an IV legend.

saw one band setting up saturday night on Sabado, very few parties. very dead town. these kids should all be expelled

the friday Nexus looked good. some layout problems but a decent story on Attis and some partying going on in the staff box. we swung by there Sunday around 5pm and saw some kids in there banging out Monday's paper. all looked well.

the Country Store at the UCen looked like it had been remodeled by AM/PM they still had bin food but absolutely no charm. i was tempted to say, "$10 on #6." but i have a hard time cracking jokes when im dying inside.

the refecting pool in Storke Tower actually had water in it, a sight that i hadnt seen in the 7 years that i was at UCSB thanks to that drought.

the sorority girls stumbling home at 2am on Saturday night looked like they were all in junior high, and they were dressed with few clothes than i could have ever imagined.

at 145am on Saturday I made a Lucky's run to Goleta and it's not Lucky's any more it's Albertson's. and the little league fields across the street have been paved over so as to befenit the Chevy's and the Office Depot that's so important to a community.

Woodstocks is as good as ever.

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anna's in rome, she was calling me all weekend leaving messages on my machine, filling it up. she was cocky. she was stoked that the topless penthouse pictures of her weren't her.

"pick up the phone," she'd say, "im going to win that mamma jamma." which is funny on the web but funnier on your answering machine with her crazy russian accent.

"bitch is going down!" she declared.

anna is cool but after about the 5th or 6th message she started getting mad, asking why i had never gotten the cell phone set up that she sent me.

but now that i know how handy those phones are, i might consider activating the extravagant gift from our favorite tennis player on the tour.

anyhow, anna was feeling it and she won in straight sets 6-3, 6-3 whomping Spain's Marta Marrero in her opening match at the Italian Open.

our girl had plummeted all the way down to #68 in the WTA computer rankings and i had bought her a football jersey in Goleta with the number 69 on the back and her name over the number that i was going to fed ex it to her, and i still might, but now the joke wont be as funny.

even though she now has the pleasure of facing Venus Williams in the second round, she's being up-beat about it, but deep down she wants to beat her ass.

"I have nothing to lose," anna told reporters, "so I'm just going to go out there, try and play my best game and see how well I can do."

just wear that white top, hot chick, and all will be well.

if not, you're going to get that football jersey.

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