Friday, June 14, 2002
 kitty bukkake's already pouting, and i expect such things in life.
it's tough having favorites, and i am not afraid to tell people where they stand.
but her complaint was the spark to a brilliant idea that i just had.
i was a terrific editor in college, ask anyone. i think i was a far better editor than writer. even though i was unfairly fired and then banned from the paper that gave birth to a lot fo the great writers and editors that you read and love, i learned a lot there.
and my list, kitty, was simply a representation to the hard-nose super high commitment to excellence that i learned under the shadow of that mighty tower in santa barbara.
there's many reasons why i came up with those ladies as who i'd pick to fill seven spots if i was guest editor of FoxNews.com, and one reason that I did not pick Kitty is because she holds back on her readers.
it's true.
i mean, her pen name is Kitty Bukkake, for pete sake, and how much blushingly erotic sexiness do you read on her page?
not much, is right.
now, i dont know ms. kb all that well, but i know her enough to be able to honestly say that she has some stories to tell -- as we all do, im sure -- and i know shes in a committed relationship with an excellent midwestern man who deserves his private life to remain just that, but come on dear girl there is a geyser of stories inside that thin frame busting to come out and i have not seen but a glimpse of it on your "diary" and before i would be confident to release you upon the good people of FoxNews.com, i would have to see that you could tell a sexy tale on your own page.
but i realize that some of you arent into that, so i have devised a master plan that im sure you will all love to participate in.
my blog is about to self destruct, and before that happens, i would like to host some stories of people that i know and love.
i would LOVE to have some guest columnists on here.
screw FoxNews.com
and of course i feel bad for writing things like what my good pal jeff said about how the only good women writers were either crazy or crazy.
so this is what i would like to do: all the ladies who know me or who dont know me, if you would like to see your column posted on this very page, i would love to have it.
all you have to do is send it in to my home email address: guestbabecolumnist@tonypierce.com, and you can either post using your real name and i will include a link to your site,(if you have the courage), or you can post using a pen name (if you want to write something, let's say, risquee) and i wont link your site.
either way my illiterate readers will be educated into the sweet world of your world via this blog.
what could be finer?
the invite is open to women who want to write something that they wouldnt dare write on their site, for women who want to write to my very diverse readership, and/or to women who want to write something who don't have a blog to write on.
i can guarantee you a good sized audience and the opportunity to receive sweet praise.
and maybe if this is a smashing success, i will let the fellas have a chance,
but since i was raised right, ladies first.
# | |
 anna's not talking to me it's nothing new.
she says she wants to be my friend. then she'll lick my neck when i kiss her cheek goodnight.
she says she wants to hang out with me, then she flies off to wherever she goes without even an adios.
some people would get upset about these sorts of things, but not me, which is why, i suppose that we've been able to have such a good relationship for all this time.
tonight chris's sister is in town from oregon so we're going to take her to a fancy LA restaurant and then get some yucks at the Comedy Store on sunset cuz they dont have those sorts of things in the woods Up North.
im very happy to live in LA.
but i think i would be able to live quite nicely there in central oregon.
no one would bother me except the klan and the wild turkeys and the deer.
i would smoke my pipe in the morning, write, wrestle up some grub, brush my teeth, eat, fish, come back and take a nap, fish, and write some more.
yes, i know, hemingway tried to live that sort of life after living in some cool cities and it made him blow his brains out, they say. but i dont think so.
i think he blew his brains out because he wasnt surrounded by awesome friends.
im very much enjoying this Laker parade as it winds its way through downtown.
two quick comments: Kobe's krazy wife is a friggin knockout. i never knew really why he married her, but now i do. damn, bro.
the other news that somehow slipped this site is that long time Laker AC Green who was a vocal virgin was married two months ago, he reports.
AC holds the NBA record for consecutive games played (1,192 straight games), but really the 39 year streak of no nookie... is that something to be proud of? maybe.
i dont think so, though.
the easiest thing to say in the world is no.
but still, im happy that now AC gets to make up for some lost time.
maybe he can make a new video now.
# | |
 today is flag day happy flag day, flag.
it's okay in my book to celebrate such a day especially when our nation's flag is the coolest of all and our state flag is pretty awesome as well.
somehow this week i forgot to tell you about our pal Ben getting a column published in FoxNews.com, which makes me think that FoxNews should just hire me to pick the columnists that will make their pages mightier.
one thing i learned in my teens selling stereos and tvs on commision is you want people to buy more than just one item. same should go with having people click on more than one link on your news site.
so if youre going to present to the world Ben Sullivan, you really should run a column from his sister Kate.
if youre going to run Layne, run Welch too.
or if you're going to give the world Welch, let them discover his talented wife Emmanuelle as well.
post a point-counterpoint from two law professors, like Reynolds and Volokh.
on the old days at Wrigley they used to have Ladies Day on Wednesday, i wouldnt mind seeing Rabbit, Sara, Virginia, Seipp, Amy, Solent, and Dawn take over a column for a week.
ok, now i have to go back to my tv to watch the parade.
i hope Shaq freestyles again.
# | |
27. http://www.vodkapundit.com
# | |
 theres gonna be a big parade here in LA for your back-to-back-to-back world champeen los angeles lakers.
last night i got invited to see the space station fly across the friendly skies, of all things. and no one else wanted to do anything with me last night, so i said, y not.
Heres what our instructions were:
The International Space Station with the Space Shuttle Endeavour
docked to it will pass directly over Los Angeles tonight.
They will look like one bright slowly-moving star, and this is a good
chance to see them.
Face the northwest at 9:45 p.m. on Thursday the 13th, and look just above the horizon for what will look like a slowly moving airplane, but without flashing running lights, appearing as bright as the brightest stars (magnitude -0.8). It gains altitude, and a minute later passes to the left of the Big Dipper, just missing the bowl. It is directly overhead at 9:47 p.m. It continues on, passing left of the bright star Arcturus, and then fades out just before 9:48 p.m., still high in the southeast, when it moves into the earth's shadow.
got picked up, drove up vermont to griffith park, expected a lot of people and traffic and space station viewers but we may have been the only ones there for that.
the griffith park observatory might be closed for a few years for renovations, but the stars and the incredible view of the city needs no improvements, it was beautiful and very clear.
unfortunately neither of us had a watch so now and then we thought we saw the space station but it was just a plane.
then, we spotted it, and it wasnt as bright as the north star, which was super bright last night, but it was bright and it was at the horizon and three minutes later it was directly above our heads so let me tell you, that thing was booking and thats something i dont understand.
how can something that is way up in space speed across the sky faster than a plane going from the valley to LAX?
see what happens when you write poems during science class?
# | |
Thursday, June 13, 2002
there's the best player in basketball 
26. http://www.unablogger.blogspot.com
# | |
 do you know i love you? i do.
my heart is warmed by all the people and all the sites that have linked me and want to link me.
i hate to do this, but i must now be a little more specific than i was when i last chatted with destiny's child.
when she and i meant "link" we meant a permanent link on the left- or right-hand side of your blog.
see how nice heather did it? perfect. now, what prof. glenn just did, well, that's nice, but its not a permanent left hand link, so, it doesnt count.
speaking of rabbit, she and i had a very pleasant interview last night after sonny left and we penciled in a follow-up tonight, so perhaps next week you can see what happens when two heavyweights of blogging chat with each other.
it will be a much different conversation than what dawn and a.beam and weiss and matt moore had last night, but i got mentioned so all's good. although it seems like moore wanted to start a little tiff with me.
perhaps he should continue to stroke his poll(s).
but you, know, he did link me last week so i'll give him a pass. sarcasm is hard to pick up in print.
and besides, i know who a.beam is, and he doesnt.
ha!
anyway, i thank you unablogger for getting the troops together. nothing like a site of half naked chicks, scratch that, totally naked chicks, to get people to do things. and thanks to Ye Olde Blog, damn you get a bunch of hits, girl.
# | |
 sonny came over. always seems to know when my house is clean, or i have a nice new bottle of rum, or beer in the fridge, or something worthwhile over at the house that he can put his dirty paws on.
last night he came over for the game.
i was on the computer, trying to ignore him. no such luck.
he found my diary. my real one. he was flipping through it.
"your handwriting is horrible."
i do that so that creeps like you will get frustrated and quit reading.
"fuck, man, you were getting That chick?"
i was being used. it's not what it looks like.
"how on Earth are you doing this?"
cycles. sometimes youre up sometimes youre down. it has zero to do with me, trust me. zero.
"so when is my cycle going to come?"
well, you, sonny, have bad karma, your time might not ever come.
he kept reading. we ignored the game. around the fourth quarter he turned on howard stern, but crawled into a little ball like a chick and read more of my diary. it was the most that ive ever seen him read at one sitting.
when the game was over he flipped around the stations and eventually finished my diary.
"so let me get this straight. there are three girls youre chasing now. one girl is crazy about you and will do anything for you. the other is on the fence, she wants to be your girl but only if you settle down with her. and the other isnt at all interested in you."
first of all, im not chasing anyone. so maybe you should read that shit again.
"i say you go for the girl who loves you."
listen to me, im not going for anyone. it's called dating. you should try it. you get to meet people. meeting people is nice sometimes.
"but instead of going for the one who loves you, you're blowing her off. and it sounds like youre blowing off the fence-chick too, who, by the way is hotter than all three of them."
okay, you drank all the beer. fucker. youre drunk. one girl cant be hotter than all three of them if shes one of the three! and i told you not to put your butts in the bottles, that shit is sick.
"then find your one stupid ashtray!"
i think you should go home now.
"but the psycho thing is, you're fully going for the one chick who isnt even slightly into you."
what are you even reading?
"this chick barely even knows you exist and you write about her like crazy. you should get your head examined."
leave my house. go bother someone else. leave.
"i agree with ashley, i think you're gay."
exunt. be gone with you. adios.
"and get some ashtrays, asswipe."
# | |
 hi tony
hi blog.
whats this i hear you want to stop this thing we have going?
yeah, i think blogs should end after a year.
thats the dumbest thing i ever heard.
well, youre biased, now arent you.
dont you love me?
very much so. more and more every day.
are you going to leave me for another blog?
no, i dont think so, im extremely loyal.
but youre such a great writer.
shut up.
no, dude, im serious, while youre saving the world, all the other blogs tell me how great it must be to be your blog.
if you dont shut up i'm going to delete you.
you dont have the guts to delete me.
that might be, but i can be pretty spontaneous. i'll delete you and regret it later, but you'll be gone never the less.
please dont say things like that.
ok, sorry.
why are you such an idiot?
beats me.
well, you will have to keep me going, 25 blogs have already linked us.
26. http://www.blogrolling.com
twenty-six as of today, but we'll never make it to 100 by july 9.
you never know. i know a lot of blogs. they want to save this good thing we've got.
dont you want to quit on top?
who says we're on top?
me.
well, youre not even in the top ten in hits.
so.
so what makes you think we're on top?
me.
yeah, but you're insane. you know, nobody thinks like you do. have you realized that yet?
you're boring me now, im going to go.
one more thing, why arent you dating chicks your own age?
chicks?
you know what i mean.
i do. they just dont like me so much.
why dont you date karisa?
we're just friends.
that chick's hot, are you gay?
no, and shes the wrong sign, anyway.
okay, you are gay.
dont say things like that, it's rude.
okay, youre the stupidest person i ever met. i wish you never created me.
now you see why i dont ever talk to you in public.
i hope you get a paper cut today.
i love you too.
by the way the first real blog entry was in august. im not truly one years old until then.
details, details.
reynolds will never permalink you.
i dont blame him, youre not even very entertaining.
# | |
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
theres a feeling i get when i look to the east,
it feels like
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhweeeeep
# | |
our flag has 13 stripes, you barefooted commieloving third world ingrates.
can you even count to 13?
# | |
 do people have a hard time accepting Good in their lives?
yes.
do i, sometimes, have a hard time accepting Really Good in my life?
no.
not me.
im perfect.
all i shoot for in life is fun and good.
so why would i avoid it when it comes?
or be freaked by it?
theres no way that i would have a problem with a bucket of moola on my front porch with a note that says "no strings attached" or a brokendown bus of cheerleaders in town for the national poetry convention who need to use a telephone,
or true love
of false love
or true false love
or lust
or flirtation
or the opportunity to make my personal and professional dreams come true.
no, i wouldnt have any problems with any of those things. i would accept it all, take it all in stride, thank the Lord and go to the next step.
i would never dwell.
i do things textbook. perfect. as it should be.
i come correct.
in fact i dont have a personal or psychological stain on my entire soul.
im just like you.
thats why we get along so well.
we know theres no such concept of too much of a good thing.
so if the coppers drag me out again, tonight, after happy hour, remind them who the fuck theyre hasseling, yo.
# | |
25. http://www.tinylittlepenis.com
# | |
 have i told you i have the greatest friends?
i do.
kate has finally started a rock n roll blog. shes a famous music journalist and her blog is so cool, and it's only just begun.
dan is sara's main squeeze and he has a new blog. you know sara because i link to her and if you didnt read her post yesterday about getting drunk with the Lampoon boys during her stint at Harvard, you're missing out. i would love more of these stories, btw, since that is a world that i will probably never even visit. so educate us. and its always nice to know that the normal fugly guys can get smooched by the hotties too.
ian knows more about art noise punk rock pop than i will ever, and hes a hippie and hes a vegan, so how cant you love him?
mc brown's site is one that i go to every day. even though i disagree with him about Tearing Down a Bowling Alley for a school, i still admire his mad skillz and his always-terrific photography.
amy doesnt write nearly enough, but i guess she can say the same for me. shes one of the coolest people ever.
and last, but not least, is Rabbit, who is an aquaintence, since we've never been in each other's homes, and have only talked at parties together, we have lots of mutual friends and are basically neighbors. but shes a fantastic writer, and far hotter than that chick who beat her for hottest babe blogger or whatever craziness that was. and speaking of craziness she is going to post on her blog every hour today, so she says, so stay tuned.
hopefully she will still have something to say after i get back from my dentist appointment this evening (around 7ish) so that i can interview her for you, the good people of the web.
p.s. after you fall in love with these sites, please dont completely abandon me, come back from time to time to say hi.
# | |
 Hey, so glad you could make it
i have an inordinant amount of lawyers who visit this page. i have no idea why theyre attracted to these words, maybe it's because im wrong all the time and i make them feel superior. (which is the only reason i ever find myself on Drudge's page, so i understand.)
Max Power, our friend who won one of my crazy auctions, takes me to task for my Tyson defense. Maybe he's right. What do I know. All I know is what I read and I don't even read that much.
Apparently I'm the only man in America who thought that Tyson got the short end of his first offense when his booty call went bad.
And, to my naive surprise, rape is a touchy situation that brings up all sorts of emotions from my readers, many of whom are women.
I have always appreciated Law and I have always thought that if I was a better reader and student that I would have made a pretty decent lawyer.
Perhaps Power, who says he had a mighty fine seat in the courtroom when Alan Dershowitz argued for Tyson's release on appeal, would be kind enough to answer some questions that a Black man and Tyson fan would like to know about his conviction:
Why did Don King give Tyson a tax attorney to handle this rape case? Why would you ever put an imbecile like Tyson on the stand? How often do first offenders of a date rape case get three years in the slam? What famous white men have done time for a first offense date rape case?
If Max is too busy doing things like, I don't know, earning a living, I will be happy if any of you other counselors could flow your two cents into this discussion. And trust me when I say it is a discussion. Obviously I think Tyson got a raw deal. And of course I think rapists, be they first offenders or not, should go to jail for a very long time-- way more than three years-- but since that isn't what normally goes on, why was Tyson's case the exception... if, indeed, his was exceptional.
And then maybe one of you high paid suits can tell me why Ticketmaster is getting away with being a monopoly.
Honeysuckle, she's full of poison, she obliterated everything she kissed
Now she's fading somewhere in Hollywood
I'm glad I came here with your pound of flesh
In other news, I can't believe all the notes from dudes saying that they want more about Ashley. Popular opinion regarding my relationship with her is totally up and down and right now i thought it was down. I thought you people didnt want any more stories or pictures or adventures co-starring our glitter girl?
I'm so confused.
I've been really confused a lot lately.
So I will create a poll about Ashley later today and maybe you'll be kind enough to help me out.
Oh, look at my face, my name is might have been
My name is never was, my name's forgotten
Did you see "American Idol" last night? Totally classic. Loved it. Reality TV at its finest.
Absolute proof that there is nothing worse than an uptight arrogant british homo telling you that you cant sing and you have to waddle off in your crop top and heels bitching with each step.
Put that show on every night and I will watch it every night.
I dare you.
and finally, Jodie Foster dressed as a nun is really unfair. Gerald Manley Hopkins is spinning in his grave.
# | |
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
 britney fans. hi!
you have come here in droves from that killer FoxNews columnist Ken Layne.
Layne dropped you off half-way inside my Britney review.
For the entire dealio go here.
If you want to go back to Layne's column click here.
thank you.
caio!
when youre done, feel free to look around and you might even like the Anna Kournikova thing on the left.
# | |
 insatiable? hardly
yes i have my dreams.
some may be ridiculous, leading the Cubs to a world series victory thanks to my motivational people skills and gutsy baseball strategies.
but some are totally attainable.
lately my dreams have been coming to my doorstep and knocking, bashing, pounding, jamming their fingers into the buzzer and not releasing after quite some time.
some of the dreams are even rude.
would i like to date fashion models and actresses and bikini clad pop stars?
no, not really.
would i like to throw out the first pitch at Wrigley one day in my jersy and cap?
yes, but i'd wear the pants and shoes too.
first i'd check the imaginary runner at first.
lean into the catcher for the signal.
check that bastard at first again.
throw from the stretch.
raise both hands in celebration.
for the longest time i thought that my life would be incomplete without a girlfriend. in some ways i still think that, but just like 12 hours of sleep each day, that dream has faded away into a better reality that i do not Need as much as i thought i did, that i can be pretty happy As Is.
of course thats when the buzzer rings again and the Cubs want me to coach one of their instructional leagues but first i have to fill out some paperwork including a two thousand word essay on Why I Want The Job.
i could do two thousand words in my sleep.
im doing a few hundred words in my sleep right now.
but i resist the hoop that i must jump through. its crazy. i dont understand. all i have to do is take a step forward and yet i resist. everything that i think i can do and do well is right there within arms reach and i am hesitating.
and i couldnt hate matt damon and his buddy more but of course they deserve the gwenyths and the oscars since they obvioisly have no problem with the paperwork.
and to the form fillers come the riches and the spoils.
and to me, what do i have?
a blog.
and a buzzer.
# | |
 best part about getting a new pet is naming it.
my apartment was invaded by a tiny little rodent last month and anyone who knows me knows that i do not like little rodents and i screamed like a girl and considered many things including moving, including moving far away, including running for the hills.
and then i got super desperate and made a secret pact with the Lord that if he allowed me to survive the night that i would get a cat.
anyone who knows me knows that i dont like cats, but i dont like mice worse.
and this was just a frightened little tiny mouse but -- do you have any idea how little i have to pay for my rent? you'd hate me if you knew.
i dont want you to hate me.
im watching Regis. i watch him every morning.
i like him a lot, but i like his cohost Kelly a lot too.
kelly: did you play sports in college?
regis: i played football.
audience: {laughs}
regis: i played under the name Paul Horning
kelly: no shit?
regis: Regis Philbin is my stage name
anyhow, my next door neighbor got kicked out of her apartment last month because it became known to the landlord that she had 5 dogs and 6 cats in her one bedroom apartment. she could have either gotten rid of her pets or move.
she moved.
but she left behind two cats.
i think one of the now-homeless cats ate the little mouse, which is something that i am praying for right now, watch.
Dear Lord, please let that cat have eaten that little mouse and any other mouse in and/or around my sweet pad. Amen.
but last night, after Chris dropped me off from our super fun italian candlelit birthday dinner in los feliz we were saying goodbye in my alleyway, and the church next door has lots of clergymembers who hang out around the doors of the church all night long. some like to jog around the complex. regardless, they all look at me. apparently im entertaining to watch.
one of the newly stray cats approached me and my exgirlfriend and started purring.
"please take me off the streets," it begged.
it rubbed its neck against chris's ankle.
then it stood next to me and looked away as if nothing was at all the matter.
"here i am, arent i handsome?"
i dont like cats.
i really hate rodents.
im sorta messy.
my maid is cleaning my home right now.
i dont think i want a cat.
but the Lord has delivered upon me a very handsome cat that i think would be able to get along with me.
i might even be able to make a little kitty door for the cat so that i would not have to bother with litterbox issues.
i think these days on the streets have been good for the cat.
i wouldnt want a lame ass pussy cat.
thats not the sorta house i run.
usually.
i would name it Losty.
22. http://haardvark.blogspot.com
23. http://istanblog.blogspot.com
24. http://annessa.net/
# | |
 great idea of the week #1
m&m's doesnt need to worry about gimmicky new colors.
they already have the greatest m&m color: green.
even little kids knows what will happen if you eat a bunch of green m&m's, nothing, but that doesnt stop the legend from being propigated and revered.
therefore, why isnt m&m/mars selling individual packs full of solely green m&m's?
if you were about to go on a hot date, or wanting to appear sassy, or wanting to give a certain someone a tiny little chuckle and hint, or wanting to make a blushable girl blush-- what better than a handful of green?
people who know me, like my mom, love to give me sacks and sacks of the candies that melt in your mouth, not in your hands, and when im not busy fending for my life after wave after wave of advances from visiting cheerleaders and brain surgeons of all nationalities but one familiar gender, im separating my m&m's so that i can have a naughty little bowl of green m&m's available when that always cool supergirl investigates my living quarters for the first time.
tell me you wouldnt pick up a nice big sack of green covered chocolates for your friends.
thats tonights brilliant idea.
come back to us next time when we bring you another.
# | |
Monday, June 10, 2002
 beyonce said "tony, you're a prick, holding your site hostage."
says you.
"what do you call it?"
i dont know what to call it, but people linking me like crazy and i shoulda told you 200.
"you sound disappointed."
well, even though i love the love from the good folks, there are a few sites that i want to be linked to that i doubt will ever link me, but these will do for starters, thats for sure. some are really fabulous sites:
1. http://kevinholtsberry.com/blog.html
2. http://hawspipe.blogspot.com/
3. http://www.biznicality.com/
4. http://www.willwagner.com/links/priv.htm
5. http://minutiataur.diaryland.com/index.html
6. http://www.dawsonspeek.com/
7. http://www.lablogs.com/weblog.php
8. http://pantrogsblog.blogspot.com/
9. http://bitchen.blogspot.com/
10. http://theinvisiblehand.blogspot.com/
11. http://www.spleenville.com/blog/index.html
12. http://blogsofwar.blogspot.com/
13. http://adder.blogspot.com/
14. http://capitalinflux.blogspot.com/
15. http://www.souptree.net/blog/index.php
16. http://portablematthew.blogspot.com/
17. http://paintedland.com/kokoro/links.html
18. http://www.members.cox.net/triptychcryptic/blog.html
19. http://www.tbotcotw.com/
20. http://bobthecorgi.surreally.com/
21. http://katesullivan.blogspot.com/
beyonce said, "who's sites do you wanna be linked on?"
well, nay, of course, and rabbit, cuz i read them all the time, but why not instapundit this blog is as good as any of the ones he links.
beyonce said, "which part of your blog are you talking about, the fake stories about anna or the fake stories about mariah?"
shut up.
"why dont you just worry about getting 100 links total before july 9, then see if the others link you."
how about you leaving me alone. hasnt your mom made you a new outfit that you have to try on yet?
"oh, that hurts."
make sure your belly shows.
# | |
 anna called me up, furious.
"did you get my email?"
yes, baby.
"did you look at the picture?"
no, anna, you know i dont open attachments. i have had the same 400 MHz computer since 98, solely because i practice Safe Computing.
"OPEN UP THE DAMN ATTACHMENT!"
yes, dear.
ok, i opened it. who's that, dave matthews?
"uh, no. it's Enrique."
enrique?
"Enrique Iglesias."
oh your boy. i thought his name was something else.
"no, you call him something else, but his name is Enrique, anyway that is not the damn point. look what he's doing with that whore!"
hes singing with her. he is a singer, isnt he?
"he's playing with her hair the way that he plays with MINE! I'LL KILL HIM!"
you know, that ponytail does sorta look like yours.
"what? ARRRRGGGGG!"
you could always try to make him jealous by getting it on with me, anna. i hear sometimes jealousy is the best policy.
"tony, can you just be my friend for just once in your life, and not try to be gross?"
ok, i'll try. this is new for me though.
"what should i do?"
you should dump him. he obviously got a chick that sorta looks like you and told her to get on her knees, or whatever and he is obviously enjoying having her head near his crotch and--
"ENOUGH! you are being so sick!"
babe, he's a singer. hes the alleged handsome son of a truly great singer. you're just another pretty face that he used in a video. sorta like what Juvenile and Outkast do, but you're not shaking your ass in a micro-mini, you're being the hot famous celeb chick.
"I want to kill him."
kill him by not seeing him any more.
"no, i want to see him dead."
ok, russian gurl, you're scaring me. you know i work for--
"yeah, i know who you work for. im just so hurt. AND I GOT HIM THAT HAT!"
if it makes you feel any better, i got that chick those bangles.
"bangles?"
yeah, i love bangles.
"tony?"
yes, anna.
"will anyone ever love me?"
thats a tough question.
"so?"
probably not. love is very hard to find. especially if youre not an american citizen.
"what is that supposed to mean?"
and especially if all you do is date like super hot male celebs who have women falling for them left and right.
"well who else do you think i should be with."
nerds. they wont leave you.
"with my luck they would."
you never know until you try.
"who was that nerd that drew barrymore married, he dumped her."
you mean Tom Green?
"yeah, him, whoever. yeah him."
oh, well, date a normal nerd, not a totally freaky one who drinks milk from the udders of cows. i mean, thats sorta asking for it.
"you know, tony, if you werent my best friend, i would totally date you."
just what i wanted to hear, hot chick. i gotta go to bed. go win a tourney for me. that will show him.
"'night antony."
i'll burn all my dave matthews records for you.
"good, but he's not dave matthews."
me too, good-nyet anna.
"dork."
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what can you say about a girl that everyone only has nice things to say about? more nice things.
chris works at the last dot com in all of america. shes the star of the show over there. theyve made her player of the year two consecutive years in a row and she totally deserves it. shes a great employee, a great boss, a great co-worker.
for me, she has been the most fantastic friend. she lets me borrow her car to go meet hot babeS, she takes me out to dinner and doesnt let me pay, she reads great books and tells me about them.
lately shes been turning herself into a high fashion model wooing all the boys from here to the border.
chris loves good movies. shes a good movie-goer. she'll see almost anything, and she'll be honest about it.
without her, i would never have gotten into Blade. she went to Blade 2 with me the other day and it was her second time going but she loved it.
then we had thai.
i'll always love my sweet girl from wherever shes from.
email her here and share the love.
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Sunday, June 09, 2002
 ken layne has been my pal since the early 60s and i dont think he's ever looked better.
because we're friends we can agree to disagree (if we were enemies we would have to duel to the death), but the fox news columnist couldnt be more wrong about Iron Mike.
Mike Tyson brought more to pro boxing than anyone since Ali and yet he is constantly put down for being exactly what we loved him to be: a dirty high pitched short stocky thug.
you dont bring a teenage beauty queen to the hotel room of a twentysomething thug in the middle of the night and expect him to recite sonnets from memory and sit back in his leather chair of the suite and listen to her, enthralled, as she tells him about every little detail of her sweet little life.
mike tyson was a professional boxer at the age of eighteen.
before that he was a purse snatching thug.
he was lucky to find an old man trainer who knew how to mold that visciousness and salvage it into something that this elegantly refined society would deem acceptable.
he also had a young man trainer and they all worked together and created Iron Mike, the scariest and youngest heavy weight champion in the world.
when the old trainer died and the young trainer was fired and when tyson married a golddigging starfucker and her mother, he instantly turned into king kong minus the restraints, lord macbeth minus the cute accent.
the woods were coming to get him.
scratch that.
the king was coming to get him.
mike tyson was a confused, ignorant, uneducated, lisping bully when we all fell in love with him, and he was all those things when he was surrounded by robin givens, her mother, and don king.
he was a confused, failing, ignorant bully when he bit the ear off evander holyfield in The most amazing moment in professional boxing.
who was really surprised when he took a first bite at that thing, stepped back and watched Evander hop around?
were you surprised that tyson took a bigger bite the next time?
ripped off part of that ear
and spit it back at him.
after a quick chew
right there on pay per view
crazy warrior.
never say die.
bully.
thug.
there he was, now,
entertaining.
with an arthur ashe tattoo on one bicep
chairman mao on his chest
lord knows why
but i do know why i love mike tyson.
because he has never let me down, he has never surprised me, he has never disappointed me.
one fight the bell rang and most guys sorta dance out to the center of the ring and meet the opponent and then they
mike fucking ran across and started wailing on the guy before he had barely made it off the stool.
fearless fucking fighter.
but rapist?
desiree washington called tyson up, he sent over a limo, she hopped in, went up to his room, went into his room, and this is mike tyson, not that suave mother tony pierce saying all the right things, this is "ooh, like that asssth baby."
hung out with mike, went into the bathroom, removed the panty shield from her
panties,
returned to tyson, who applied lube to
her
climbed on top of him and had sex with the champ,
then went back to her hotel
woke up in the morning and went to the miss black america pageant and participated in the dance routines.
and then later told the police that tyson had raped her and she was incredibly sore from the violent act.
of course, don king was nowhere to be found to help him.
infact, king didnt attend one day at tyson's trial, but he did hire the champ his tax attorney.
the all woman jury found tyson guilty of rape and he did three years in the slam.
so the question is, why would the king want the champ to go down?
did king want the heavyweight divison to be more competitive?
did the division become more competitive?
in the wake of tyson's false imprisonment, were 46 year old hefty has-beens like george foreman allowed to develop and regain the title?
knuckleheads like evander and lennox would have been beaten by tyson two or three times before they would have been able to become the headbutters that they became.
when mike tyson was accused of rape, he was at the top of his game with nothing but fallen challengers behind him and no true peers in the horizon.
the greatness of this manboy was stolen from him by people who have a history of manipulating men for their money.
i used to think that hell on earth would be to be stupid and ugly living in america.
now i think a worse fate would be being stupid and ugly living with don king
and robin givens.
im still with you, champ.
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