tony pierce.com + mary!
busblog at gmail dot com

nothing in here is true

 


   Saturday, June 29, 2002  
venus and serena's mom called me, why you always talking about them white girls?

i like white girls.

why you never talk about black girls?

oh, mrs. williams, i talk about black girls all the time. i was talking about lil kim just the other day.

yeah, you said she was a ho!

no, i said that people have reputations that arent always true and it's unfortunate.

you called that girl a ho and then had her spit from on top of a ferris wheel in the wind and hit the top of a ticket booth at a carnival!

it was symbolic.

say wha?

i was describing how she had total control of her body.

you a fool.

and i was saying that through her mouth,

dont you

and her lips

you stop

and her sweet sweet

im hanging up

semi sweet chocolate.

click.

80. a candle in the window
81. the back seat driver

   Friday, June 28, 2002  
billy baby, are we still together?

till death do we part, honey bear.

so why do all these papers say we're finito?

wishful thinking.

thats good. i almost gave my vile of your blood away to the first woman i saw this morning. she had nice legs though and i got jealous.

i decided to keep it for myself.

no one has better legs than you, ms. croft

mrs. croft, to you. i saw the bourne identity over at Sonny's house last night.

i miss you.

and i got to tell you, i miss you too, that ending fucking reeked.

you kiss your mother with that mouth, baby?

yep, my brother too.

you know i was just thinking about how all these Hollywood studios spend all this money on special effects, and advertising, and big name stars, and writers, and directors, and costumes, and...

cut to the chase, sling blade boy.

i call it a kaiser blade.

mmm hmmm.

and the ending is Everything, yet they dont have an Ending Department. or some suit who's VP of Endings.

good point.

am i going to have to start up a web site called DamnGoodEndings.com or some shit and show all these big wigs how easy it is to put a good ending on a movie?

good endings arent that easy.

sure they are, look at Karate Kid.

ok, mr. miyagi, you work on your crane move cuz im gonna be home in a few days and im gonna want to examine your progress.

ive been flipping through your pictures, waxing off to them.

putting it all into a special vial for me?

we'll actually maria wanted a new necklace and it's her birthday next week and...

hanging up now, gross man.

getting a new tattoo for you, hot younger woman.

what does it say?

it says "tonypierce.com"

oh you copy cat!

i know, i got jealous.
 
when i think of myself as a married man this is what i think of.

call me a romantic but i think all you really do need is love.

if my wife and i could only afford a double-wide, a bird feeder, and a grand am, as long as she kept me fed and didnt mind my beer belly, i would give her everything else she could want: three to four minutes of passion before bedtime, a lush yard, and constant reassurances that her ass still looks good under that housecoat.

i would only hope that she would let me do my smoking indoors, although that looks like a mighty comfy chair.

beyonce woke me up this morning, quite impressed that nearly 80 people have permalinked busblog since 6/2.

told ya it'd work,she snickered.

yeah, yeah, do you have any idea what time it is?

i have a question for you, though, tony. what are you going to do about all the nice people who linked you before 6/2?

well, beyonce, i said, lots of them are nicely linked on my Links page, but i might do something a little special next month. i am an appreciative fellow, you know.

just then the call-waiting clicked.

it was anna.

i hung up on beyonce and took the call.

hi baby.

hi anna, whats up?

just wanted to hear your sweet voice.

aw, thats so nice.

so what are you doing tonight, honey?

hmmm, that was a trick question, i thought. i knew that anna would be arriving in the wee hours from wherever she was flying in from, and i did have a date with Rosalita to see Adam Sandler's new movie costarring our favorite crook, Winona, but i lied and said, "nothing."

great, can you pick me up from the airport?

oh, shucks, doll, you know i dont have a car.

i know, im gonna send over a limo and i want you to ride in it and be waiting there for me when i arrive.

hmmm, what time?

9pm. i got a ride from John Travolta. he's flying me in special.

and that, people, is how i started my morning.

hope yours began better.

tony's lesson of the day: never lie in real life, only on blogs, or you might wind up with a sweet old lady in a trailer park after all.

79. easy bake oven
 
back in the days before mtv we kids had to listen to the radio. and twenty years ago The Who released "It's Hard," and had a little band called The Clash to join them on their farewell tour.

Because rock n roll radio has never been very creative, when the Who announced their demise, my favorite rock station chose to honor the british quartet by playing an entire day of their music.

the pierce family wasnt the richest, but i had all the equipment that i needed to caputre an hour and a half of the classic rock: i put my radio shack tape recorder (the type that had big buttons and a handle) next to the speaker of my alarm clock radio. i made two ninety minute tapes that i ended up playing nearly every day for the next few years.

people try to knock john entwistle, who died yesterday of a heart attack in his hotel room in las vegas, for not moving very much on stage. but what did you want him to do?

in the early days the Who not only had Pete Townshend's trademark windmill arm movements and leaps and smashing of guitars, but you had Roger Daltry whipping his microphone around via the mic cord, but you also had the legally insane Keith Moon behind the drums who's ass could barely sit still for a beat.

It's my belief that if Entwistle moved more than an inch he would have been poked in the eye by a guitar or a mic or a drum stick or a drunken englishman.

even though the who rereleased their volumnous material since that '82 "retirement" and have toured several times, and found a mini-resurgence in their music when "Tommy" took broadway by storm, they really didn't make a serious studio album since "It's Hard," which is fine. They were done.

Such a perfect band with a classic history.

And now the Who are without their rhythm section and the Beatles only have their rhythm section.

i, too, hope i die before i get old.

75. The Path of Wrong
76. Not A Cowboy
77. Bunko Squad
78. Oh, It's You

   Thursday, June 27, 2002  
anna?

tony.

anna, baby.

tony, honey.

anna, sweetums.

tony, studly.

anna, why do you love me so?

your body. i really only love you for your body.

anna, why do you think the brits hate you so much?

lets not talk about the brits.

anna, how much money have you made playing tennis?

tony pierce, since when do you care about money?

well, people are trying to figure out if you are the number one loser in all of sports.

ok, im hanging up now.

you cant hang up, you're on a cable modem.

i really dont appreciate this line of questioning.

save it for the press, blondie, im your friend.

then start acting like one, and say sweet things to me. im lonely.

kevin brown.

pardon me?

jalen rose, larry johnson, andy ashby...

stop stop, who are these people?

these are men who make $8-$10 million a year who are big time losers.

holy-- i dont make anywhere near that!

yeah, no kidding. my people tell me, anna, that you've made $3 million in prize money your entire career as a pro tennis player.

you're people are good. so?

so, the bbc or reuters or whoever cant really call you the biggest loser in the world when guys like Mike Hampton, who lost the only World Series game he ever pitched, is making over $10 million a year to pitch poorly for the Colorado Rockies.

see why i love you?

The major league baseball season is nearly at the halfway point, which means that he has almost made $5 million this season-- almost double what you've made in your entire career and his record this season is 4 wins 8 losses and his ERA is over 6.

Is that bad?

thats bad, anna.

why is that bad?

oh, it means that over 9 innings, he will give up 6 runs that are his fault.

why is that bad?

because most teams only score 4-5 runs a game, which means your team will probably lose if Mike Hampton is pitching for you.

but, tony, you said he pitches in Colorado, isnt that the park that you showed me where everyone hits Dingers all the time?

yes! great memory.

so, wont his team hit dingers too and score more than 4-5 points?

possibly, but a pitcher who is getting paid $10 million a year should only be giving up 2-3 runs a game. even in Colorado.

i see. yes, tony, you are really my friend. you've made me happier.

and here's the clincher for you, anna, when people think about baseball, well, let me put it this way, if you ask little kids to name baseball players who do you think they'll say?

i dont know.

well, you start naming baseball players, anna kournikova, sexy girl on the other end of this digital love fiesta.

ok, tony pierce, studly boy in hollywood. lets see, sammy sosa, alex rodriguez, ken griffey, babe ruth--

current players, hottie.

oh shit, sorry, ok, randy johnson, mike piazza, brady anderson, oh-la-la, curt shilling, david justice--

David Justice?

he's cute, tino martinez, barry bonds, jeff kent, jt snow, shawn green, rickey henderson, ichiro!

ok, ok, you can stop.

no, wait, this is fun, who else is cute? ok, mike mussina, eric karros, chipper jones, andrew jones, nomar garciapara, oh shit Derrick JETER, Pudge rodriguez, brett boone,...

ok, anna, stop, stop, you've proven my point.

what point is that?

here you are, a foreigner, who knows very little about baseball, although you just impressed the hell out of me, if i found out you were looking at the sports section of USA Today over there, whereever you are, i'll be disappointed, but you reeled off a few dozen baseball players and you didnt even mention Mike Hampton.

well why should i?

you shouldnta because he's a loser.

yeah, like me, right.

no, anna. if i asked any kid to start naming women's professional tennis players they would never not mention you.

hmmm. so?

so? so heres who theyd mention, venus and serena, monica seles, jennifer capriatti and you. and thats it.

well, those are the top players.

and they are the players who get people interested in the women's tour, sorta. but you would be mentioned first. and when they mention you, they'd do it with a smile.

perverts.

perhaps, but when you have a product, like the WTA does, or tennis in general, or adidas, and you have someone who is easilly recognized associated with that product, you want there to be a smile attached to that recognition. because smiles equals money. you have a value. and some would say that it is far more than the half million bucks that you'll maybe make this year not winning tournaments.

and money makes the world go 'round.

no, your smile makes the world go down, comrade, now pick up some whipped cream and get over here as soon as you get off the plane.

ok, tony baloney, full of macaroni.

see you when i get home.

not if i see you first.

caio bella.

dobri den', dorogoy boy.

73. Ipse Dixit
74. Will Wagner
 
jacklyn said, why dont you put more pictures of hot guys on your blog?

i said, flea isnt good enough?

she said, flea's good, but what about someone like Dave Navarro or Tommy Lee?

i said, how about Johnny Knoxville?

she said, perfect!

i said, but don't you think, thats sorta, ummmmm, gay?

she said, tony, nobody who stumbles across this blog would ever think that you're gay.

i said, really?

she said, hello. i usually have to clean my hands after i read it because the testosterone gets all over me.

i said, ok.

she said, do you like johnny knoxville?

i said, yeah, i do. i can see why girls like him, cuz he looks like dylan and--

she said, bob dylan?

i said, no, my friend Dylan, from Champion, or whatever their name is.

she said, oh, i dont think ive met him yet. cutie!

and i said, uh yeah, so i think guys dont feel threatened by johnny because he will be dead in about a week and a half.

she said, dont say that.

and, i said, yeah, and i doubt that his weiner works anymore.
 
jacklyn called me last night from her miata to cancel and since i was already in my pajamas bottoms and slippers it was fine with me. in the old days i would have been upset since i would have had cleaned up the pad or phoned the maid or tossed everything into a closet but my chick-esp was pretty accurate recently and the post-ponement was somewhat predictable.

plus part of being a hot chick is to double- and triple-book and canceling becomes part of daily conversations.

she was no amateur apologist either.

lately ive been using the fuck out of my george foreman grille. ive been getting chicken breasts at the corner meat market-- one of the benefits to living in a city-- and slicing the slimy meat into strips. pour a little chinese chicken sauce and basil and pepper on it while microwaving green beans and whole potatoes, and within ten minutes theres dinner, slackerboy.

the george foreman grill turns that meat into food in three minutes.

because my carpel tunnel is slowly going away, but still there, i decided to fire up the television and eat on the couch like a normal human being instead of placing the plate on a chair and eating from it while i typed on my computer in the closet. on the news, which i never watch, were politicians and citizens in droves protesting the SF court that splooged on itself yesterday with its unfortunate ruling.

not since 9/11 have i seen such bipartisan agreement on an issue and it made me happy.

one senator said that a judge who would believe that "under God" could convince a kid to Believe in God shouldnt be allowed to be a judge.

everyone was up in arms and suddenly quite religious. sure they were all dirty liars who would drive back to their virgina estates or dc condos and do any variety of very very dirty behavior, but our symbols are important to us, and their cush jobs are important to them, and all the Dans of the country are good for us, even though on this topic they are so very wrong.

but it's all good, im wrong once in a while too.

drank a little more rum than the norm, talked to ashley and chris and jeanine and os and ali and so many other people on the phone and have i told you that i really dont like the phone? it's true. what ever happened to all those beautiful promises of Virtual Reality? remember the huge sunglasses and wrist pad controller? that was so '90s, isnt it like way past the year 2000 now?

wheres my virtual reality phone where i flip on my glasses and i can see these nice people and talk to them that way?

its 2003 and karisa calls me from her cell phone to mine and theres this 2 second delay even though we are only 3 miles away from each other.

wtf is up with that?

i know what it is, these companies are holding back on us.

just like jacklyn does to her suitors, just like hilldale does to the Lord,

just like I do to you.

70. wormtalk
71. orby
72. Telerama

   Wednesday, June 26, 2002  
breakin' the law, breakin' the law



look at all those little kids suddenly becoming Religious because of the government

66. C-LOG
67. dcthornton.blog
68. force the goose
69. allison lives
 
at least guns, cigarettes and Ticketmaster's monopoly are still legal.

today some pussy ass federal appeals court in Frisco ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance was unconstitutional.

i keep telling you people, anything is possible.

i wont even get into the ridiculousness of this nonsense since im sure all the cool lawyers with blogs will rip this apart in many ways in a much more educated manner.

but, thanks for the fodder, frisco. at least now bloggers can write about something other than calling newspaper columnists asswipes for dissing blogging.

and since this is probably the only blog you'll click to written by a Christian minister, simply put, i think that spirituality is a Vitally important part of a human being's experience on Earth.

duh.

deny it all you want, this country was built on many of the good foundations of Christianity but the words "one nation under God" is so watered-down and bogus that only a bunch of pasty asses in a courtroom by the bay could find something wrong with it. But you know what they say, seek and ye shall find.

yes, kids shouldnt be forced to do anything religious that they dont want to do, but when was the last time a kid really was forced to do shit in school?

and isnt the Pledge a nazish indoctrination anyway? and a highly ineffective one at that? how many of us LOVE america because of standing up with our hands over our tits mumbling some robotic drivel at 7:50 in the morning when we were 10?

kids are better at resisting orders than anyone. thats why theyre not in the Army.

frisco, hang your heads in shame. if some freaking foreigner tried to rip the Good Word from our great land, we as a whole would rise up and defnd it in a fight that would be talked about for eternity.

but when this group of "Americans," or that group, or the courts slowly nibble away at it like vermin, we sit on our hands like doped-up vagrants waiting for our superheroes to appear above the horizon.

ain't none on the horizon, Believers of God, ain't none.

drink your microbeers on the Marina, youre the court that brought down Napster.

youre the court that will get slapped in the face by the Supreme Court.

youre the court that people will point at and laugh in the very near future.

everyone knows that making kids say Anything in school isnt a state endorsement of shit. does the state endorse that homo Shakespeare when they make kids stand up and recite Macbeth?

Nine months later Allah has won another round.

63. Intricate Plot
64. kitty bukakke
65. Get A Clue!
 
took the girl who blew me off to minority report and here's my non-spoiling report.

"Minority Report" is not as good as people are saying that it is.

It is very very good during its good parts, but those parts do not keep this zeppelin soaring throughout the entire adventure, which is a STINKING SHAME because it could have been awesome.

Borrowing a great deal from the Kubrick crime and punishment classic "A Clockwork Orange," Spielberg has obviously surrounded him with spineless wanks who do not have the courage to say to the fine director that sometimes you have to EDIT the waste. I really liked a lot of this movie, but theres enough fat to trim this 2 hour, 17 minute sci fi thriller into a 90 minute work of art easilly. Super easilly. How easilly? Ever pee before? As easy as that.

But people in Hollywood are soft and dull and solely interested in their immediate financial gains and a Tom Cruise/Steven Spielberg/Philip K. Dick summer blockbuster is money in the bank, so why tip over the cash cow.

Because you can make tons more cash, gluttons, giving the people High Quality.

Nobody's going to see this movie 3-4 times.

And another thing. Why no super hot chicks? There's a character who's interesting and floating in water most of the film and she's bald. Do you know how many super hot babes dying to be known for being hot (even while bald) in such a non-sexual role? Tons.

Maybe when im not so busy will i make a list of actresses who would have been way better than Samantha Morton, who did her job well, but added nothing to what could have been a nice semi-sexual sub-plot to a film that lacks no sexiness. But I'm more than used to that on any post-Risky Business Cruise vehicle.

Tom wasn't bad. Hardly annoying. Mostly believable. Almost likeable.

Was there music in the film? Can't remember.

Was there awkward comic relief? Some.

Would I recommend this to you? Reluctantly, yes.

I am sick of encouraging geniuses, which Mr. Spielberg is, to continue down this path of sci-fi mediocrity. If you want to be Kubrick, bro, you'll have to become a tad more of a perfectionist. Get an editor who doesnt care about your past.

And, jeeze, steve, Kubrick was known for more than his weirdness, his look was so easy to borrow from, the symmetry of the shots, the balance, the colors, the optical illusion of it all. None of that was present here. It never is. People borrow from Kubrick all the time, but they ignore the look, and thats a big fat mistake.

I give Minority Report a solid "B."

59. Greatest
60. Englers
61. Moxie
62. Richard Giles

   Tuesday, June 25, 2002  
next assignment, peace in the middle east my korean christian bro points us into the direction of the following story from the BBC. pk was very upset at the prospect that i was going to have to be pissed at Italy for the rest of my days. fortunately they backed down from my viscious threats.

Perugia president Luciano Gaucci has had a change of heart and decided not to sack Ahn Jung-Hwan for scoring the goal that knocked Italy out of the World Cup.

Gaucci had told Ahn he was not welcome back at the club after his golden goal knocked Italy out in the second round last week.

But the outspoken president has backed down and taken up the option of permanently signing the striker from K-League club Busan.

The Serie are now reportedly lining up a move for Japan's star player Junichi Inamoto.

Perugia spokesman Paolo Giovagnoni said Gaucci's decision to sack Ahn had been spur of the moment.

"It was an emotional reaction, a provocation," Giovagnoni said.

Perugia had already bought "one half" of the player and their option to complete his transfer was due to expire at the end of the month.

Ahn has been with the Italian side since the start of 2000/ 2001, spending most of his time there on the bench.

His header lifted South Korea to a surprise 2-1 victory over Italy.

Gaucci responded by proclaiming: "I am not going to pay the salary of a guy who has been the ruin of Italian soccer."

Gaucci's words drew criticism from around the world and the Asian Football Confederation threatened to tell all Asian players to stay away from Perugia.

once again, busblog to the rescue. keeping korean soccer players employed since 2002.
 
she said, what i find interesting about this photograph is what the passerbys--"

the pedestrians?

"yes, the pedestrians, the motorists, those riding on bikes, QUIT INTERRUPTING ME--"

the skateboardists?

"the rollerbladers, the people sitting having lunch. all of them. i wonder what they think of a photographer taking a picture of a camera crew caputuring a tee vee image of martha stewart?"

i love it when you stimulate my mind, do you know that?

"no, seriously," she said. as if being serious ever stopped me from cracking jokes, "how weird must that look from across the street or emerging from the subway."

do you know that youre the only girl i ever think about?

"i bet you say that to all the girls."

yes, but i only mean it with you.

"you dont think about the others when youre with them?"

yes.

"you dont say nice things to them?"

no, not really.

"and they put up with that?"

yeah, they seem to want to do things to make me say nice things.

"fools."

and you, i say nice things, and you ignore them and toss me aside like a peice of errant string that you discover on your skirt.

"is that why you like me?"

i like you because i can see whats deep down, and i can see the layers, and i can see the wall, and i can see all the crazy energy all around it, and its mezmorizing.

"thats not how you spell that."

dont change the subject.

"did that chick really blow you off to see 'scooby doo'?"

yep.

"dont you feel like a chump?"

i always feel like a chump.

"say something else nice to me."

your eyes are like fireflies...

56. hemingway
57. we are full of shit
58. ny dreams
 
what some of my friends are writing about this morning:

"There aren't many places that are as moody as San Francisco. Not in the same way, at least.

"To quote a character from a story I threw out a while back: You spend your time on the same couple of tired blocks and you think that�s all there is to the city, until it sneaks up on you and you see what Tony Bennett was talking about.

"San Francisco is the ex-girlfriend you can�t shake: she�s kind of shallow, and you never really got along, but then you catch a glimpse of her somewhere and it just about kills you.

"And you have to be nice because you�ve got the same friends." - sksmith

---

"Let Tony Go

"Tony Pierce, who writes a great blog, announced a couple weeks ago that he's going to stop writing it. His loyal readers have been up in arms, and there's been different contests to see if Tony's fans can persuade him to keep up the good work.

"But maybe Tony should stop. He's an incredibly smart and creative guy with loads of writing talent. If Tony stops the blog, it won't be long before he comes up with something completely new and provoking.

"There was much sadness in the land when Ken Layne pulled the plug on Tabloid.net in 1999, but now he's working on his second novel and doing other interesting things.
"So give Tony a chance." - amy langfield

---

"Hire My Rocker Friend!: A longtime friend and ex-bandmate, who is a sweet & smart chap with extensive web-designing, set-building and coffee-pouring experience, recently sent along this group e-mail:

Hey, does anyone know of any job type situations for an out of work musician?
Anything will help. Thanks.


"If any of you L.A. readers have spare jobs dangling from your sleeves, please let me know." - matt welch

---

"Pas de posts pendant quelques jours. Je pars en reportage dans l'Arizona couvrir les feux de for�t." - emmanuelle

54. Eminent Brain
55. Dave Tepper
 
people write in all the time and ask me what my real job is.

i perform a public service. most of you could take advantage of the service that i provide, if you only knew to look for it, but if i told you, it would ruin your impression of me.

this morning, however, im groggy from only getting a few hours sleep, my wrist is sore from hours of being on the computer, and my heart is broken after the girl who id been sorta reaching out to penciled me in for "minority report" only to cell phone me at the last minute to tell me that she was stepping into a different theatre to screen "scooby doo" with her roommate.

win some, lose some.

i'll be losing her shortly.

since i had so much time on my hands, i procrastinated and then around midnight decided to make a new photo essay dealio. big mistake. they may look simple, but they take at least 3-4 hours. this one only took three. lucky me.

my arm hurt like crazy last night and i truly was in a movie-watching mood, so i finally changed the channel to HBO and took in "Cast Away" which was ok. but you should know something is definately wrong when im watching Tom Hanks movies. terribly wrong.

my arm still hurts. early stages of carpel tunnel, im sure. so im going to not post anything else today and just go back to blowing leaves and making the bossman money.

"dot.con", by the way is spectacular. im up to page 88. if you read one book this summer read the Bible. if you read two read "dot.con" and then the Bible. im not kidding. its that good. super super funny too. and action-packed!

who knew layne could write so well?

51. just another pane in the glass
52. live from los(t) angeles
53. Now Is The Time For Pants

   Monday, June 24, 2002  


50. How To Be Hip

 
jeanine came over yesterday to suntan in my courtyard and it's always good to see my good friend.

i dont know how she does it (yes i do), but she's skinnier than the twenty year old, and her belly is perfect for bouncing quarters off of, which i did a few times as she snoozed beneath the velvety rays of the southern california sun.

she threatened to move to new york with her retired parents who promised to set her up in whatever sprawling peice of real estate they are sure to snatch up if the Big Apple does end up to be their new home.

her visit, as always was far too short, she did rid me of a few stray Bud Lights that found their way into my fridge and thanked me for always remembering to put pictures of monkeys on this page whenever i stumbled across one of them. this image reminded me of how she used to say that if she didnt wear a bra her boobies would turn into pancakes stretching to the ground.

i would argue, "you're 21 years old, im topless, you should be topless too, we're in the comfort of our own home!"

she would fire back, "i will compromise with you, i'll take off my stove pipe hat but nothing more."

Jeff and Dawn and Eric and Shira have their hearts in the right place, but they have it all wrong, but i appreciate it.

From what I understand, you don't have to put my name on your site and link to it to influence Google, alls you have to do is go to Google's page, put in the word "tony" and then scroll down to where you see that it's my page and click on it.

It's like how the Republicans vote. By cheating, i mean by grassroots networking and insightful, intelligent social planning based in human potential, realistic economics, and courageous... ok, it's cheating.

but come on, everyone, make me the president of the united tony's, i promise to legalize fun and toplessness.

This just in, I am now #12 with a bullet! Thanks to you I've passed Anthony Robbins, Tony Roma's, Tony Brown's Journal, and Tony Bennet. Step aside, old men.

49. N.Z. Bear
 
today is the greatest day of my life

the only thing better than judging an anna kournikova lookalike contest,

is being permalinked on...



48. instapundit.com
 
anna rang me on my cell phone. it seems like everyone knows that i have a cell phone now, and not only knows, but knows my number.

my mom called the house this weekend and asked me for the number and i had to call Ashley to find out what it was because i couldnt figure out how to make the phone tell me.

anyhow Anna called me from England.

"why are you writing about the Internet crash-- still!?" she asked in a huff.

it wasnt about the Internet, it was about Baseball. i told her.

"but shit man, why arent you writing about me?" she demanded.

anna, you lost in your opening round in Wimbeldon. 6-1, 4-6, 6-4

"yeah, but i almost won."

ok, never thought about that. are you, you know, happy over there? i asked

"dude man, i feel awesome. i swear i almost beat her in that last set. im feeling better and stronger and i think you will see me win some more games very very soon.

wow, anna, ive never seen you so upbeat.

"i just emailed you a picture that my friend took of me whispering the chick who beat me. i told her that im going to wipe her punkass all over the court next time so watchit."

anna kournikova!

"yeah. i gotta go. remember that tournament that Martina Navritolova came back out of retirement to play in?"

yeah, the Eastborne, right? the grass court tune-up there in England?

"yeah, this African American girl won and shes my doubles partner and we're going to turn some heads here in Wimbledon."

the chick who looks like Tiger Woods? hey, what happen to Hingis?

"who? oh yeah, her, she had surgery last month"

ok, anna, well, keep your spirits up, it's great to hear you happy again.

"i think it's just the weather, i love it when it's warm. kisses, smookums"

and she thought she hung up the phone but she didnt and i could hear her giggling and singing very nice, Very nice things about me.

and that made me super happy.
 
people will talk shit about dot.coms forever but most of them weren't there and dont know and wont know and dont care, but i think thats a big mistake because there were so many lessons to be learned from that era.

one of the lessons that you should know is the Pets.com sock puppet was not a failure. it was classic. it was perfect. it was good. and in no way did it have a negative effect on the failed website.

but advertisers act as if it did. how do i know this? because i havent seen very many good commercials, and im sure it has to do with the dot com crash.

people will talk trash about my former industry, but what they should be doing is paying more attention to Major League Baseball, who spends more money friviously, is run by senior citizens who should know better, and has a product that could be marketed in so many different ways it's ridiculous.

Baseball claims that it barely makes a profit and makes believe that they're the victims of something other than their own incompetence.

Our national pasttime has a deal with the government that allows it to not have to follow the rules that most businesses or even sports have to abide by, and for some reason that allows it to even lie about how much money each team earns.

If you want to see something explode in its face, something beautiful that has a real history, a real story to tell, a huge worldwide potential, and an emminent doom poised right over the horizon, look no further than the Grand Old Game and pay attention to such telling signs as a Saturday afternoon game between the first place Los Angeles Dodgers and the 1/2 game out of first place Boston Red Sox that took place a few days ago under ideal conditions in Southern California.

It was 70 degrees, not a cloud in the sky, no basketball, hockey, college sports to compete against, no holidays to flood the freeways, and still only about 35,000 showed up to take advantage of the much ballyhooed Interleague weekend, manufactured to fill the stadiums and inject the game with a heretofore missing spark of life.

Personally I hope baseball crashes like a russian submarine.

I hope half of the teams go bankrupt and be forced to sell their teams to young millionaires. I'm fucking sick of huge corporations like Tribune and Fox and Disney spending millions on stars one year and then the next year saying that it's too hard to survive in such an enviornment where salaries are out of control.

MLB commisioner Bud Selig is asking for a salary cap for the players. But why should the actual workers be forced with a cap if the owners arent asked to put a limit on their income. I mean, really.

Isn't this America?

Yes, and because it is, Baseball should have to play by the same rules as every other business. Its sweetheart deal with the US Government should be revoked, I should be able to see Every Fucking Baseball Game when I order the Season Ticket on Directv. They should abolish the bullshit girlie rule of the DH. They should rip down the lights from Wrigley Field. And the American voter should elect the Commisioner of Baseball every four years.

In the meantime, you can do your part by voting for only Minnesota Twins and Montreal Expos for the All Star Game. You only have until Wednesday to stuff the ballot box. But the purpose is to vote for players from the two teams that Selig is trying to kick out of baseball. This year the game will be held in Milwaukee. Because it would be against Baseball's rules for a commisioner to own a club, when the owners put Selig in office, he signed over the team to his Daughter.

In order to "save" baseball, Selig recently organized a way to "contract" two teams-- disolve them into the league. He picked the Twins and the Expos. Those teams are playing very well this year, and even though the good people of Montreal seem to have better things to do than root on Vlad Guererro, there should be baseball in Quebec, mais oui.

Therefore, there would be nothing more sick for Selig than if most of the field was filled with Twins and Expos on the All Star game on his-- I mean his daughter's brand new baseball stadium.

That's today's punk rock anarchism, stay tuned tomorrow when we show you how to rig a Presidential Election in Florida.

this time for the Libertarians.

46. In the Court of the Crisco Bandit
47. sassafrass

   Sunday, June 23, 2002  
beyonce called again. doesnt that girl ever work?

"i want to renegotiate our deal," she said.

what deal?

she said, "the deal about you shutting down your site unless you get permanently linked to 100 sites before july 9."

oh, that deal, i said. no, i like that deal. randy, the only dude who consistantly beats my ass at fantasy sports linked me to day. he has one of those ultra-jewish sites. funny thing about this conflict in the middle east--

"baby baby, sshhhh. i have a new agreement that i think you might like," she said.

"do you remember when a.beam was saying a few months back that you were #27 of google results for the word "tony"?

yes, i remember that. by the way, i found out today who a.beam was.

"how did you do that?"

well, her real site matched up with her fake site which bisected something on her interview with dawn.

"why do you keep calling a.beam 'her'?"

cuz he's a she, im telling you, i figured it out today and im bummed. i wish they had never done that interview. i liked it better when i thought he was jason ross.

"shit, i always thought he was ken basart," beyonce said.

nah, basart's too busy sitting in that hot tub up in the hollywood hills reading the Economist like a spazz.

"oh, now listen, tony, focus up. in the last 8 weeks your have climbed into the Tony Top Twenty. right now you're #19 with a bullet."

so?

"so?! so youre on the front page, just scroll all the way down to the bottom."

who cares about Google? what does this mean? how does this affect our deal?

"what i would like to propose is, what if everyone goes to google and types in "tony", scrolls all the way down and clicks your name, and what if you get in the top ten before july 9?"

i know what you're saying, and no. i like the deal and i dont wanna be the top ten of anything. especially gay-ass search engine results!

"but lets be reasonable," beyonce pleaded, "do you really think you're more popular than Tony Hawk, or Tony Stone graphics, or The Tony Awards?"

Beyonce, i dont care. of course im not more popular than Tony Hawk or the others, im just saying that if you want to change the deal then, i will only accept it if i am the number one Google search result by 7/9, which, by the way is my favorite day of the year, the All-Star Game.

beyonce said, "you suck, but yes, i will try to get people to click you to the top. i guess if Layne can be the number one Ken, you can be the number one Tony."

and i said, and if i dont get 100 links and im not the number one tony, then i wont feel bad at all for quitting on top, even though i wouldnt really be on top, based on those results.

and then she told me about how short mike myers was and i asked her if she got me a keepsake from the movie to give to Chris and she said that she forgot and i called her a bad name.

45. How Appealing