Friday, July 05, 2002
94. L.A. Examiner
95. Sean Church
Thursday, July 04, 2002
happy birthday, america
92. far from gruntled
Wednesday, July 03, 2002
hi Bernie Brewer!
oh, so now you know my name.
of course i know your name, i grew up in the midwest.
well, i just thought you didnt know since you called me "the happy Brewer Guy..."
yeah, yeah, yeah, dont be so sensitive, it was just a comedic device. so what's up?
i have some answers to your questions.
what questions are those, bro?
the Hypothalamus, most scientists believe that the mind is located in the hypothalamus.
well thats all fine and good, my milwaukee mascot friend, but what the hell do scientists know?
they know plenty.
then why dont they cure the common cold.
you mean the flu? cuz its a virus.
we cure computer viruses all the time.
its not the same.
sure it is.
im not going to argue this with you, you dont even know the first thing about science.
sure i do, i know youre an ass.
come over here and say that.
next time im in milwaukee bored out of my mind i will, bernie brewer, i will climb that ladder and kick your big fat mascot ass.
ok, tony, seriously, what is up you butt?
this girl. we write to each other every day. last weekend we went on a date. we hardly ever go on dates.
uh huh, go on.
i gave her a kiss goodnight, which i do sometimes. but this one was different.
i see, and now she doesnt know how to act.
thats it. people shouldnt *act*. they should just be cool.
quick question, tony, and be honest.
ok, you know i always am.
who called the shots between you and her? her, i bet.
mmmm, it was pretty mutual.
ok, let me ask you this, whats the furthest you ever got?
i dont know, second base.
ok, tony, what happened with that kiss is the balance of power was shifted. there was a disturbance in the Force. there probably was always a disturbance in the Force if she was calling the shots, but something clicked inside her and shes uncomfortable and shes probably just adjusting, sorting things out.
but it was just a kiss!
ok, defensive boy, chill out. you, as great as you are, are not the best person to be around when someone is trying to figure things out.
but theres nothing to figure out!
see, you always have an opinoin. let her be a girl, which is a good thing sometimes, give her her space, and find something else to do this weekend. is anything going on?
yeah, my friends are having barbeques and ashley is coming over.
ashley, what are you still doing with her?
it's just for today, tomorrow night im taking her home.
ok, good. shes cute as hell, but come on, old man.
i know, i know.
ok, and quit acting like a little bitch. when you want your space you appreciate it when people back off.
ok, Bernie Brewer.
by the way, did you see what Meesh wrote about you?
pretty cool, huh?
yeah, and what's up with this?
i dont know, it's french, and you have to go to page 12 and look at the graphic in the middle.
why do the french love you so?
they only love me because they love Emmanuelle so much.
so why arent they all over Welch?
because he's the blond american who stole her away.
see, tony, your mind isnt all gone.
i guess youre right Bernie Brewer, well, will we see you at the All Star game too?
you bet your ass.
ok, later then.
hasta. oh wait, one more thing.
maybe she's bummed cuz youre a bad kisser
dude, you're seriously losing your mind.
it was never mine to lose.
well who is possessing the mind?
yeah, but who is "me," my body?
no, your head.
no, your brain.
so my brain has lost the mind? where did it go?
i don't know, tony pierce, all i know is it's not where its supposed to be.
is the all star game supposed to be in a stadium owned by the commisioner of baseball?
i wish you would stop saying that.
of course you do, you're the king's castle.
i beg your pardon!
you're in milwaukee, hardly the center of american economic growth, and you charge people $75 a ticket for box seats.
now that's not fair, most of the tickets dont cost $75.
youre right, most of the seats cost between $20 and $30 bucks.
TO SEE THE BREWERS!
the team is in a rebuilding period.
then dont charge people of wisconsin $75! dude, they're the worst team in baseball, they're a joke. the only reason they have two all stars is because Bud Selig and all the other owners have agreed that its a good idea to have more than one Brewer represented in the home park.
remember what i told you about you losing your mind?
you'll never be as cool as chicago.
hell, you'll never be as good as Madison.
even the Packers dont even play in Milwaukee.
they play a few games here.
yeah but they dont really want to, or have to.
what is your deal, tony, shit.
here, have a beer.
thanks miller park.
youre welcome tony pierce.
i did have a fun time at prom in Lake Geneva.
but we drank Stroh's and Old Style.
thanks for being there Miller Park.
i'll always be here, tony. that is, until they tear me down and put in a replacement.
they wont do that for a while, im sure.
hey why did they get rid of the happy Brewer Guy who slid down the slide into the big beer stein after each home run?
he slides down onto a platform now and balloons are released.
yeah, why did they make it all lame?
i dont know. political correctness or some shit.
in Wisconsin? it's during a baseball game at a park named after a local beer maker.
i know, i know, people do funny things sometimes. not ha-ha funny, just funny.
they still have the sausage races though.
that's good, at least.
hey, want another beer?
87. Jim Spot
89. Off Wing
90. Jay L. Zilber
wait a second, tony pierce, is that the only picture you could use?
come on man, show a little respect.
richie, there are sixty all-stars, im only going to interview a handfull of you, do you want to be on busblog or do you want to whine?
you're right, im sorry. im just a little sensitive today.
shit, man, you should be. you're like the strikeout king and you're going to be facing like the best pitchers in all of baseball July 9th in your home park.
but you're doing a little better this year. only 71 whiffs in 82 games. thats not bad.
you know tony, you have a funny way of complimenting people.
seriously, last year you struck out 171 times, and now you're an All-Star, dont you think that--
what are you saying?
what should i be saying?
you should be showing me some respect.
for what, for your 18 homers? you're on pace to do what, hit 36? there were like 5 shortstops who hit 36 homers last year.
dude, im the second best first baseman in the NL.
exactly, but youre like the 11th best first baseman in the majors.
um, more like the 7th best in the majors.
is that something to be proud of, Richie? by the way, at what age do you say, "just call me Rich"?
let me ask you something, tony, where are you going to be sitting for the game?
on my couch, hopefully with a pretty girl.
well, im going to be sitting right inbetween sammy sosa and mike piazza. im going to meet famous people, sign autographs, and little kids are going to scream my name from the stands. if i was a betting man, i'd bet that i get the biggest applause out of any of the all-stars.
only cuz the cheeseheads can relate to a big tall loser like you. and only because the applause sign will be on, and only because the commisioner owns the team, oh strike that, i mean because his daughter owns the team. you're the bitch that the Big Man brought to the dance. you deserve to be there as much as it deserves to be played in Milwaukee. you deserve to be there as much as Selig deserves to be Commish. you could at least be a man and admit it.
pierce, im going to meet you one day, i'll be the guy 6'8" who'll knock your block off.
oh, i wont.
i bet you strike out both times you come up to the plate.
what do you want to bet?
ok, i'll tell you what, if i strike out even once, you can say whatever you want about me on this page, but if i dont you've got to kiss my ass for the rest of the season the way you kiss anna's ass.
have fun being a loser your whole life.
have fun living in milwaukee.
ok, that was low.
i know, i take it back.
good. why are you being such a dick?
i dont know, i guess im a little sensitive today too.
well, at least you get four days off in a row, i dont ever get that.
i guess, you're right. ok, thanks richie, i'll be grateful for what i got.
bet's still on though, strikeout king.
fine with me.
86. Lane McFadden
major league leader in hits, runs, and rock.
speaker of the beautiful truths, and even prettier lies.
rookie of the year last year
comeback player of the year.
dont call it a comeback
well, ive been here for years
don't i know it, birthday brother
october twenty second
five foot ten
hundred and sixty pounds
i didnt vote for you this year.
thats okay, 2,516,016 other people did.
still keeping your bats in a humidor?
still watching all that porn?
belle and sebastian?
sea and the cake.
how did you get the newest tsar!?
ichiro, you sly dog.
tony, you slick rick.
how've you been?
never been better.
still got all those newspaper reporters after you?
phone still ringing like mad?
whats your secret shame, suzuki?
i bat left handed just to show off.
i write left handed so i can drink with my right.
christinas so much hotter.
i met her at a club once.
i coulda met her at a club, but i was with a hotter chick.
you lie so bad.
you lie so bad too.
i dont lie.
you told everyone you dont speak english.
other than that.
when are you gonna hit .400?
when im thirty.
and when im forty.
adios all star of all stars
sayonara, slacker of slackers
Tuesday, July 02, 2002
it's Tony Pierce!
yeah, who you?
busblog, tonypierce.com, dork of the world, leader of the losers, puke on the street, the oldest man in showbusiness, the 108 year old virgin.
is that why you talk about girls so much?
* sniff *
what do you want from me tonypiercebusblog?
i want to ask you how you feel about making the All Star team, some people say you don't deserve to be there after you gave up two home runs in the World Series last year and how you've just blown two saves last week.
i have 20 saves bitch, how many you got?
easy tiger, i thought you japanese dudes were all polite and sweet.
im korean mothafuckyou, korean!
yeah, like Ichiro and Nomo, they're really nice to me.
they're japanese, im korean. my name is Kim. Korean! world cup! oh, forget it.
ok, you play for the defending world champion Arizona Diamondbacks, wheres the best place to get Korean food in Phoenix?
no korean food in phoenix.
theres got to be a Panda Express at the mall at least.
i can't wait to meet you, mr. busblog, so i can slap you.
do you like American food?
yes, i love America and American food. my favorite is Taco Bell. i've traveled all around the world, ive never had anything like Taco Bell.
how did you learn how to pitch underhanded? isnt that illegal?
it isnt underhand, it's side armed. i learned from watching Kent Tekulve on tv. the pirates in the '80s. the we are family pirates with willie stargell.
is Randy Johnson the ugliest naked man in the locker room?
why you so crazy? screw loose. why you think youre funny?
answer the question.
no. Gonzo is the ugliest. he's not really white, he's not really brown, he sorta gray. pimples too. in the wrong places.
what was the last record you bought?
i dont buy, i download. i got the new Eminem cd, it's ok.
you like rap?
hippa-hoppa, i like the hippa hoppa. its not rap.
riddle me this, my brotha, can you handle it?
Your style to my style you can't hold a candle to it.
naked babe symmetry and the balance is right.
huffin' and puffin' on a tuesday night.
it's not how you save the game, it's how you blow it
I cheat and steal and sin and you know it.
For those about to rock we salute you
The dirty thoughts for dirty minds we contribute to
I once was lost but now i'm found
The music washes over and you're one with the sound
Who shall inherit the earth?
the meek shall!
and yo, I think i'm starting to peak now, byung-hyun
that was tight, g.
only the best for you, all-star.
are we done here?
one more: matt mantei throws the ball 100 mph, he's back now from arm surgery, are you worried about losing your job?
people dont come back from tommy john surgery and hit 100 mph, my job is mine to lose.
right on, bk.
derek, im a big fan, even though youre a new york yankee. a star from the most dispised team in baseball.
tony, let me say that i am a big fan of yours, even though you type in a geeky ass Blog.
touche, but what the hell do you know about Blogs?
i know enough to know that you're not getting many Comments lately.
yeah, no shit, what the hell is up with that?
beats me, you are hitting all the major topics, sex, drugs, rock, and now a sweet little All Star Game preview.
i don't know, maybe the kids are so blown away by the awesomeness that they dont even know what to say.
yeah, right. i think thats what happened to the goth girls. you know, now both of the sisters think you're a creep.
ok, radiohead, now let's talk baseball. you guys just stole Raul Mondesi for a minor league relief pitcher, how does Steinbrenner do it?
first of all, that guy was a young left handed flame thrower, he was only pitching relief so that the whole world wouldnt see his awesome stuff.
dude, you got Raul Mondesi, the Toy Cannon.
yeah, but he hasnt been hitting much lately.
oh, but you dont think he'll be popping them over the short porch in right?
probably, but let's talk about me.
ok, derek, you're hitting over .300, 11 homers, 19 stolen bases, over 100 hits, just another super consistant season for you.
almost boring, huh?
28 and living the life. how many world series rings you got?
ive lost count.
how are the ladies treating you, DJ?
not as well as they're treating you, i hear.
all rumor and gossip, my half black friend.
no way, i saw you walking around town with that cuban girl the other day.
yeah, but she doesnt wanna see me any more. she says i make her nervous.
actually the list of things that she doesnt like about me are pretty long.
sounds like mariah.
oh thats right, you were dating my girl for a little bit.
tony, for a while there it was incredible. and the first night that we got together. shit. it was magic.
so what happened?
you know, sometimes when you give a girl everything she wants she can get a little freaked out.
were you willing to give her Everything?
i dont know, for mariah, i might have. we never made it that far though. she kicked me to the curb before i got to get my records back.
she still has my signed copy of "Kill 'em All" and my picture disc of the first Nerf Herder album.
yeah. i mean, no. i really liked that girl, she could have anything she wants from me. anything.
ok, later Derek Jeter, have fun winning the world series again.
ok, later tony, have fun ruling the world some more.
sammy sosa, king of the world, blower of kisses to your momma, home run love god, all around cool dude, hero of the underdogs, and top vote getter for all the all-stars.
sammy, i know your english isnt all that great but im so happy to be interviewing you for my web site.
im doing awesome sammila, awesome. but sammy, nothing could top what you've been doing for the last few years. in '98 you hit 66 homers and brought the Cubs to the playoffs, in '99 you hit 63, in 2000 they walked you 91 times so you only hit 50, last year you hit 64 and so far this season youve hit 27. you're on par to hit 60 again.
im da man.
hell yeah you are, bro. i mean, in the history of baseball, before you showed up, at least, only two guys ever hit over 60 homers, and now youre about to do it for the fourth time. they should put you in the Hall of Fame right now.
i'm already in the Hall.
well, your 66th home run ball is in there, but they should give you your plaque, retire your number, name a street after you. how do you do it sammy?
mind over matter, tony. but you know that.
sammy, are the cubs going to win the world series before i die?
you're 108 years old, right?
no, we wont win before you die.
sammy, is the tribune corp a good owner of the Cubs? are they good for baseball?
tony, i read your web pages every day. in fact i have learned many things from you, including many phrases and themes. and one thing that i have never seen you do is talk trash about your employer.
tribune company sucks that bad, huh?
they pay me $12 million this year, tony. they gave me a $6 million signing bonus last year. next year they pay me $13 million. every day they send someone to shake my hand when i come into the clubhouse to thank me for being here. ive been traded three times in the major leagues. nobody has treated me better than my current boss.
were you sad to see your pal Mark Grace not get re-signed by the Cubs after he spent 13 years with the club?
yes, very sad, mark was a staple in the city of chicago, and a super cool dude. it was sad to see him go, but i rooted for him during the world series and not only did he get his ring, but he helped that team big time win it. mark grace is a class act and when his time came, he showed up and delivered. i blow kiss to him. mwah!
sammy, whaddup with these bobbleheads?
at first i think they were funny. we no have bobble heads in dominica. so at first i laugh. but now it's played out. im sick of it. everyone is getting a bobblehead day now. our equipment manager Yosh Kawano, i think he's the only Cub that didnt get a bobblehead day. but thats the only one that i would keep forever. i fucking love yosh.
ok sammy, i gotta run. is there anything you want to say to the fans who might be reading this web page?
i love you, say your prayers, be excellent to each other, don't have a cow, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.
im super stoked for you that little green footballs linked your skinny ass.
amen to that sammy. i have always loved that site. oh wait, one more question: if this were "Survivor" and you could vote off one all-star who would it be?
Bonds cuz he's a pussy ass punk.
i mean, nobody, i love you all, i love my momma, two kisses i blow to you. mwah mwah! one love. harry caray forever!
85. little green footballs
Monday, July 01, 2002
pete townshend rang me up, but he knows that i only accept calls from hot young babes, so he left a message. he's in town to play the Bowl tonight.
it was a long message, so i called him back. im terribly impatient, since the operation.
tony, do you think we're doing the right thing? you know, oing on with the tour a mere four days after our comrade of 30 years john entwistle's sudden passing?
no, i think it's really bad form.
yes, and counting crows as your opening act? what, was dave matthews busy?
counting crows is good!
counting crows is good the way flaming diahreah is good after too much texas chili. you really are deaf, aren't you, pete?
changing the subject, what's up with ken and matt calling it quits?
i dont know, i think this is a good time to AOL interview them and find out.
i thought you were mates, don't you know?
turn up the volume of your phone, old man. i said i didnt fucking know! they're probably just a little burnt out.
it is the summer time. and they might either be inking a deal with Dick Riordan to run his new paper, or they're pooped after getting teased by him. either way, they deserve a vacation, they both have hot wives, and whats better than hanging out with your wife in the backyard in your bathing suits?
i see that your links are up to 84 now, of those who havent linked you yet, who would you like to be linked to?
Good question! Definately Little Green Footballs. ive met charles on a few occassions and he is a swell guy. not at all what i expected.
what did you expect?
i dont know, but he's just a super cool, mellow, long haired musician who just seems to know way too much about computers and music.
what about Andrew Sullivan or Postrel or Stryker or any of them?
well, it would be nice, but i really dont read much of them so it would be hypocritical.
but you link to them.
yeah, but thats a courtesy to people who might not like what i have to write about and who are looking for your big names in Blogging.
aren't you a big name in Blogging?
no, not even.
don't be like that, you know you are.
im not being like that. im a freak. i write about myself and interview celebrities in my head. why on earth would that appeal to andrew sullivan?
so those goth girls, that one sister really got pissed at you.
yeah, well, who can blame her, she caught my site on a bad day.
well, on the main page was a picture of lil kim next to a poem about a kid asking the town slut if he could finger her.
so, then theres all these pictures of half naked women, and in the post the day before i wrote about the real goth twins is an entry about "fake" twins who have sex with me with a third girl.
why did you put fake in quotes?
because my life is way better than i let on.
so that entry is true, then?
no, pete, nothing in here is true.
but your life is better--- your sex life is better than you let on?
way better. and not just that part of my life.
then why wouldnt you want to write about it?
because then that little girl's head would have really exploded. if she cant even grasp the idea that Maxim might not be as bad as all her trendy-lez-friends convince her that it is, how is she going to be ok with a single man pushing the boundaries, with the help of totally together, totally independent young women pushing their boundaries?
what is it about you that allows you to have such an interesting life?
hmmm, hell if i know. maybe it helps that im single, im alive, and i live in LA.
thats all it takes?
so you say all the right things to the ladies, is that it?
i say some good things, but i say a ton of the wrong things too.
how do you get away with it then?
i keep smiling pete, just like youre about to do, except you smile all the way to the bank.
same to you.
84. Get Your Drawers On
today is Canada Day which, of course is the day the canadians celebrate their independence from america.
i really dont know too much about Canada other than the fact that i get an inordinate amout of traffic from our neighbors to the north, and for that i am quite grateful.
from what i have heard even though there's a lot of land Up There, there are just as many people in Canada as here in California.
All I have learned about Canada i learned from Second City TV and Much Music, so i think i have a pretty good grasp of life there.
famous people i can name from canada off the top of my head? ok, lets see, Pam Anderson, Bryan Adams, Michael J. Fox, Peter Jennings, Wayne Gretzky, Tommy Chong, and Helen Reddy.
ok, heres some that i had to look up:
Actors: Dan Aykroyd, Conrad Bain, Raymond Burr, John Candy, Jim Carrey, Phil Hartman, Tom Green, Lorne Greene, Eugene Levy, Rich Little, Norm MacDonald, Howie Mandell, Rick Moranis, Mike Myers, Matthew Perry, Jason Priestly, Keanu Reeves, William Shatner, Martin Short, Jay Silverheels, Donald and Kiefer Sutherland, Alan Thicke, Dave Thomas.
Actresses: Neve Campbell, Kim Cattrall, Margot Kidder, Carrie-Anne Moss, Catherine O'Hara, Mary Pickford, Dorothy Stratton, Jennifer and Meg Tilly, Shannon Tweed, Fay Ray.
Authors: Margaret Atwood, Saul Bellow, Leonard Cohen, Douglas Coupland, William Gibson, W.P. Kinsella.
Directors: James Cameron, David Cronenberg, Arthur Hiller, Norman Jewison, Lorne Michaels, Ivan Reitman
Entertainers: Monty Hall, Doug Henning, Art Linkletter, Alex Trebek
Musicians: Paul Anka, April Wine, BTO, Cowboy Junkies, Crash Test Dummies, Celine Dion, Maynard Ferguson, the Guess Who, Jeff Healey, kd lang, Gordon Lightfoot, Guy Lombardo, Sarah McLachlan, Joni Mitchell, Anne Murray, Oscar Peterson, Robbie Robertson, Rush, Paul Shaffer, Skinny Puppy, Hank Snow, Shania Twain, Gino Vannelli, Neil Young.
Wow! Thanks, Canada.
Sorry about all the pollution.
yesterday was Steve Coulter's birthday
Coulter, when he isnt a gullible San Francisco police detective, is the finest rock drummer in all los angeles. he's also and excellent bartender, hilarious drunk, and semi-secret genius oil painter.
steve and dan and greg and keith brown grew up together in manhattan beach, california and went to high school there and everyone came up to Santa Barbara to go to college.
I've never asked him why, but Steve stayed in LA and went to Cal State Northridge, which i didnt know for the longest because everytime i turned around i saw him standing next to me in line at the keg. Infact, my favorite Isla Vista band, the Wonderfuls starred Keith, Dan, Greg, and Steve.
Indeed, Coulter played drums with two of my other favorite IV bands, Mons Pubis and Truck, and probably played in more but my memory isnt so good when it comes to Isla Vista rock n roll history-- which our belated birthday boy is firmly entrenched.
Another interesting little tid-bit about our pal is that of all of our friends who are famous writers, Coulter is the only one with a journalism degree, which he got at Northridge.
And did you know that before Ken Layne married her, Steve dated the lovely and talented Laura Crane? Yes, for a long time. Infact im not so sure any of us would have ever met or known Laura if Coulter hadn't plucked her out of that sorority and showed her the magic of rock.
But the coolest thing I ever remember Steve do is join Tsar.
At the time Steve was in another band signed to A&M Records and Tsar was starting to hit their stride. Everyone knew that Steve belonged playing with the Jeffs and Dan. They played a show or two with him as the "special guest" and then he played with them when they appeared on KXLU on a midnight radio show.
Tsar had had a nice drummer before Steve, but he wasnt the wild man, the animal, the fall-over-the-drums keith moon john bonham alex van halen who was only missing the flaming gong that Coulter is.
I don't know how he broke the news to his old band but he got the courage and jumped ship.
And on that night rock and roll was ripped a new bunghole, thanks to a painfully shy native californian named Steve who was born 23 years ago.
you go, girl.
83. clifton gray
hi tony, you look groggy.
do anything fun this weekend?
same old, same old. you know.
let me guess, you did your laundry, watered the plants, cut the grass?
yep, pretty much. i did see that new adam sandler movie though.
oh shit, isnt it awesome!
it is good!
tony, why do these critics get it wrong so much?
well, think about it, how many movie critics do you know who are particularily intelligent?
cuz if they were they'd be getting paid like ten times as much working for the studios as consultants.
or as, oh, i dont know, directors.
i never liked ebert when siskel was alive. i like him less now.
seems to me that they're nice enough film geeks who got lucky and fell into a job where they can be wrong all the time and not have to write well.
sounds like a perfect job for you.
pssst, nobody likes you, monday.
shhhh. but did you really expect them to really like an Adam Sandler remake of a Capra classic?
no, Capra is one of the eight directors they all reference. he's untouchable. now if their boy Tom Hanks redid Capra and had Meg Ryan costar in it they would fall all over themselves slobbering all over it, but let someone creative and funny and original like Adam Sandler truly go for it...
and they'll bitch slap it.
i went over to RottenTomatoes.com, and nine out of ten critcs hated Sandler's "Mr. Deeds."
how much money did it make this weekend?
$37 and a half million dollars.
did people at your theatre like it?
fucking loved it.
guess the critics don't know shit.
couldnta said it better myself, my friend.
you should make a list of all the critics who loved it and got it and said so last friday.
sounds good, but it will be a short list.
speaking of short lists, how come you dont have anyone proofread your site?
yeah, i know. i do my site super late at night, and last night i didnt even click through the new photo essay once to make sure it all worked.
that woulda taken you a whole two minutes.
i know, i know, i suck. just, when you get to page 23 and whenit wont let you click to page 24, just type in 24.htm at the end of page 23.
so that it goes to http://www.tonypierce.com/2002/7/1dearkidsoworld/24.htm ?
you're losing it, dude.
i know. i lost it a while ago.
have a good me day.