Five Nothing is Nothing



Angels come back from a 5-0 deficit to stun the Giants.

respect the monkey.

doc searls

# | |

we watched the new mtv musical half hour that parodies things through hip hop songs. scratch and burn. it was funny as hell.

is hell funny?

hell yeah.

i mean, no. if im totally partying it up in heaven, sliding down the hot fudge sundae mountains, manning the info booth at the blowjob convention, or coming back from the tsar show, i'm not going to want to be reminded that theres a hell where people are sufferring and being tortured and are only given pepsi.

mr. know it all came over with simone and meesh last night.

the ladies drank imported beers.

mr. know it all asked for a pepper.

who knew he was a pepper?

im a pepper.

karisas a pepper.

jeanine turned me into a pepper.

i got the dr. pepper catalogue from the dr. pepper museum store. they have a salt and pepper shaker set. the salt says, in the familiar dr. pepper font, "i'm a salt" and the pepper says "i'm a pepper".

pretty awesome.

after mtv, i saw the last few minutes of ty willingham leading the fighting irish to their unbeaten start, 8-0.

one thing i like about metafilter, i'm always right on it.

ive had my ups and downs with metafilter. the people are really smart. sometimes theyre dumb. mostly theyre smart.

very difficult judges of things.

over analysts.

but sometimes its good to have that sort of brain trust. people who dont care what you think or how you feel.

metafilter isnt about feelings.

its about the truth.

truth hurts sometimes, superheroes.

now the kelly clarkson diary is on.

you think you know...

during the commercial break i realize i have been writing in my blog and somewhere in it it says:

all day long we bullshit each other and try to make life all about slow pitch softball and ease.

i'm a pepper.

salon is trading at five cents

sun computers is three bucks.

when i was your age it was $125.

mr. know it all

# | |

meesh and i are both libras.
for some reason that makes me think that i should listen to her when she tells me to do something.

she told me to try googlism, so i did, and these are the results. i like the last ones and the allegedly incomplete ones the best.

Googlism for: tony pierce

tony pierce is a better writer than you
tony pierce is the reason
tony pierce is on a mission across america
tony pierce is
tony pierce is auctioning off a link from his blog to yours
tony pierce is up in arms because "the voices of dissent" aren't getting "proper coverage" by the warbloggers
tony pierce is asking for perma
tony pierce is brilliant and great and constantly makes me sick with the sheer hotness of his ex
tony pierce is raising money for his own blog
tony pierce is america's greatest living poet
tony pierce is back
tony pierce is presently the main technical and business lead for microsoft in the pci and acpi areas
tony pierce is a pretty deep guy
tony pierce is the reason i started reading blogs
tony pierce is raising money every month for his site so why cant we all panhandle a bit huh? this chick has gotten over 5 grand
tony pierce is appointed to the position
tony pierce is divulging his secrets
tony pierce is selling links from his blog on ebay
tony pierce is dogpiling the strangers
tony pierce is the new strategic director at forest heath district council
tony pierce is awesome
tony pierce is to baseball
tony pierce is back from vacation and has resumed blogging again
tony pierce is duly linked
tony pierce is my idol
tony pierce is a blogging star
tony pierce is selling link privileges to his blog on ebay
tony pierce is my hero
tony pierce is entirely the reason i started blogging
tony pierce is calling for hits
tony pierce is up to
tony pierce is a guy with a crush on anna kournikova
tony pierce is always entertaining
tony pierce is fscking mad
tony pierce is starting to oddly reference my childhood lately
tony pierce is totally frickin' awesome
tony pierce is not at all political
tony pierce is threatening to make one final stop on the bus blog
tony pierce is doing
tony pierce is auctioning off a chance to be

superfine

# | |

N.W.A
Straight Outta Compton
Ruthless Records, 1988
Express Yourself
(Ice Cube)

[Dr. Dre]
Yo man there's a lot of brothers out there
flakin and perpetratin but scared to kick reality

[Ice Cube]
Man, you been doin all this dope producin
You ain't had a chance to show 'em what time it is

[Dr. Dre]
So what you want me to do?

{Express yourself!}

[Dr. Dre]
I'm expressin with my full capabilities
And now I'm livin in correctional facilities
Cause some don't agree with how I do this
I get straight and meditate like a Buddhist
I'm droppin flava, my behaviour is hereditary
But my technique is very necessary
Blame it on Ice Cube; because he said it gets funky
when you got a subject and a predicate
Add it on a dope beat; and it'll make you think
Some suckers just tickle me pink - to my stomach
Cause they don't flow like this one
You know what? I won't hesitate to diss one
or two before I'm through, so don't try to sing this
Some drop science; while I'm droppin english
Even if Yella, makes it a-capella
I still express, yo, I don't smoke weed or sess
Cause it's known to give a brother brain damage
And brain damage on the mic don't manage - NUTHIN
but makin a sucka and you equal
Don't be another sequel.. {Express yourself!}

{Express yourself!}
{Go on and do it..}
{Express yourself!}
{Express yourself!}
{Go on and do it..}

[Dr. Dre]
Now, gettin back to the PG
That's program, and it's easy
Dre is back, new jacks are made hollow
Expressin ain't their subject because they like to follow
the words, the style, the trend; the records I spin
Again and again and again - yo, you're on the other end
Whatch a brother playin dope rhymes, with no help
There's no fessin or guessin while I'm expressin myself
It's crazy to see people be
what society wants them to be, but not me
RUTHLESS, is the way to go, they know
Others say rhymes which fail to be original
or they kill where the hip-hop starts
Forget about the ghetto, and rap for the pop charts
Some musicians cuss at home
But scared to use profanity when upon the microphone
Yeah, they want reality, but you will hear none
They'd rather exaggerate a little fiction
Some say no to drugs, and take a stand
But after the show, they go lookin for the "Dopeman"
Or they ban my group from the radio
Hear N.W.A. and say, "Hell no!"
But you know it ain't all about wealth
As long as you make a note to.. {Express yourself!}

{Express yourself!}
{Go on and do it..}
{Express yourself!}
{Express yourself!}
{Go on and do it..}

[Dr. Dre]
{Express yourself!} .. from the heart
cause if you wanna start to move up the chart
then expression is a big part of it
You ain't efficient when you flow, you ain't swift
Movin like a tortoise, full of rigor mortis
There's a little bit more to show
I got rhymes in my mind, embedded like an embryo
or a lesson - all of 'em expression
And if you start fessin, I got a Smith and Wessun for ya
I might ignore your record because it has no bottom
I get loose in the summer winter spring and autumn
It's Dre on the mic, gettin physical
Doin' the job, N.W.A is the lynch mob!
Yes I'ma climb, but you know you need this
And the knowledge is growin just like a fetus
or a tumor, but here is the rumor
Dre is in the neighborhood and he's up to no good
When I start expressin myself, Yella, slam it
Cause if I stay funky like this I'm doin damage
Or I'ma be too hyped, and need a straight jacket
I got knowledge, and other suckers lack it
So, when you see Dre, a DJ on the mic
Ask what it's like - it's like we're gettin hyped tonight
Cause if I strike, it ain't for your good health
But I won't strike if you just.. {Express yourself!}

riley dog

# | |

so blogger was hacked today.

little fucks.

when i was your age i was beating off to nude madonna pics in playboy.

easiest thing in the world to do is fuck up someone else's shit. didnt you learn that last year?

and wheres the glory?

Ev at blogger wrote software and got servers so that people from anywhere in the world could write whatever bullshit they want to write and do it for free and you want to throw a wrench into that? do you even know what a wrench is?

lets say you kids are thinking ahead and this was really all about stealing usernames and passwords of the 750,000 users's ftp passwords.

what would be the point to that?

so you can say you did it? like climbing mt. fuckyou?

how about asking out the hottest chick in school?

how about kissing the hottest chick in school?

how about learning how to play guitar?

how about fingering the hottest chick in school?

the youth of today has lost its priorities and i get it that hackers arent interested in the money or the fame, but the power, so i will tell you this, when i was a lad there was no one more popular and powerful and envied than the dude with the coolest girlfriend or the kid who could shred the guitar the best.

name all the most famous hackers in the world and none of them can hold a candle to kid rock's middle finger.

so congratulations big shots. today is your day. you brought down a house of cards. one of the easiest targets on the web. perhaps the easiest.

you affected the blogs of nearly a million people. pardon me while i yawn.

thats like hijacking the truck that delivers the ballons for all the squirt-the-water-in-the-clown's-mouth carnival games.

somehow i think life will go on.

see, bloggers will go and do something else when their hobby is disrupted. it really isnt a big deal to us. despite the slams, most of us do have lives to lead.

and people who look at blogs will either go back to work or sex or play or if theyre bored they'll pull up solitaire on their laptops.

you, you will just have your pimples, and your bad incubus mp3s and your pr0n and a little voice inside of your head thats right this time, when it says, you really are the pathetic loser that everyone has always said you are. you will never get laid. you will never be anything. you are nothing. you are boring. you're a bully. youre sniper in a trunk of a caprice with a pointy little thing aimed at innocents. .

it's been done before. it'll be done again, better and more creatively. you've used your skills for juniorhighevil

you're a tool.

you're a fool

and your fingers smell of ass.

repent, read science blog

# | |

so, mr. carpal demon. think you can make me reach for the wrong wallet? think the 720 bus driver isnt going to notice when i flash her the Sept. pass? think i'm not going to freeze in my tracks? think she's gonna just let me on when i say, "i must have picked up the wrong wallet?"

who has two wallets in their house that look exactly the same? black, thin, and mostly empty? who has a demon in their arm making them do all the wrong things and preventing them from the much loved photo essays? pbs emailed me the other day to consider me for a peice on blogging. wouldnt it a been nice to have a new photo essay all ready for them? maybe something about the rally monkey? or about the dc sniper. or about kissing?

i really do have a million ideas that i aint even rocked yet, arm demon, and i will rock them even if i have to carve you out of me like a scoop of icecream.

nice man emailed me from paris. how many emails you get from paris that say that you make them laugh every day? people dont write arm demons many emails i suppose, maybe it's because you use your powers for the wrong purposes.

anyway i'll be fine wallet-less today, evil curse, i always have lots of change in my bag for bus fare home, and i have a half a burrito in the fridge and water and water and water, so f you, as soon as i go home im gonna put the old wallet in a remote location and i will dance around my mansion as i tidy it because i think meesh is going to come over before she moves away to the rocky mountains.

it's nine thirty am. how can blogger be down? worse, how can pro blogger be down? demon, you know anything about this?

denial of service.

best metal band album name of the day, people. they still have metal bands any more?

thank you houston, this next one is from our new album, denial of service-ah...

like i said in my comments, im gonna be the dude from the white stripes for halloween.

dont nobody copy me.

skywriting
dirty fez

# | |

theres a knot in my forearm right near my elbow but on the inside, about the size of a plum. the sexy girl sitting on my lap says its carpal but i say its the devil and im never wrong about my body.

fucker creeps all around me, in the neck, down the back, pokes through my legs, made me cut myself shaving, thins my hair, steals my memories, eats my dreams, whispers evil anthems of dirty lies when i least expect it and never stops but ive got your number buster and this body ain't big enough for the both of us.

limped out of the black copter today, this is the second day a row they let me up in her.

i wanted to tell you about it yesterday but i was busy not playing xbi softball.

this birds different than my flying car. my first year at school in isla vista i was dating two girls. one was on the womens lacrosse team. chicks with sticks. polo shirt and plaid skirt. little white dirty socks and new balances.

the other girl was a girl. sweet. high voice. squeaky even. cute as hell. smelled so good.

the black bird and my flying car are like those two girls. ones soft the others smooth. ones hard the others light.

when one got excited she attacked, the other would take it down and submit.

this invisible black eyeball in the sky is aggressive and willing and nasty and nice.

it knew my name before i knew hers, turn it on and its not afraid to purr.

it goes so fast and turns so sharp you think it wants to die it wants to die it wants to kill right before it dies.

because of that theres a team on the ground that rides with you at the hq and theres a computer that projects on the windshield.

chopper one is definitely the finest single man flying machine ever dreamed up on stage or screen and somehow they consider this a demotion.

they put contact lenses on you. drc. direct retina control.

if i had dreams, this is what i would want to dream about.

only thing it doesn't have is a cd player.

hq will pump in whatever tunes you want but sometimes you just want your little mix cds right there with you.

did a few hours in the sky above the clouds. messed around over silverlake. buzzed over my old place in atwater. did a fast land in koreatown and took the 21 to wilshire and western which dropped me off at the wiltern. it was six pm. the young lesbians were lined up already for the ani defranco show. nothing cuter than happy young lesbians about to see a concert.

crossed the street to get on the subway and i wrote ani's name on the plum sized bulge in my arm that pretends it's not the devil.

that way i knew what i would ask hq to play for me tomorrow when i fly that bitch along the beach.

my next girlfriend: katherine hall

# | |

Ryan Adams
October, 23, 2002
Wiltern Theatre, Hollywood, CA
reviewed by anna

oh tony. he was so good. he was unbelievable. and so romantic in a tragic-like way...

enrique was holding my hand through certain songs. you really couldn't help yourself.

played a lot of songs from his first and second records which was great. not too much from the new record which was fine by all of us in crowd.

smoked like a fiend. would smoke. spit the cigarette out. jam. and then pick up the cigarette and continue smoking. really funny.

he had a persian rug in the center of the stage with a record player on one side and a little coffee table on the other side with a nice wooden chair in the middle that he played acoustic guitar from.

he plugged in and rocked for a few songs and had these two woman that backed him up occasionally on vocals .. and played cello and violin. heartbreakingly beautiful for some of the songs.

did the most breathtaking, slowed down sexy version of brown sugar i've ever heard ... on the piano. women were swooning and men were even shouting to him.

the audience was surprisingly quiet and let him fill the space with his voice. a few rowdy women would shout in the quiet "You Rock Ryan"! "I love you Ryan" and then people of course shouting back to shut the F*** up. stupid. but, otherwise total silence to allow him to sing his sad, beautiful songs.

we sat up in the mezzanine which is a tough call for a show like this because the sound didn't travel too well up there. so some of his mumblings we didn't catch. but the bottom was all open so you don't really want to stand for a show like this...

he also play Madonna's Like a Virgin and played along with the record, mostly mocking it.

but we were blown away.
:)

still miss whiskeytown. but i'd rather have any part of ryan adams i can get than none at all.

now you listen to me little missy

# | |

Dear Godfather of Blog,

I am sorry to read that you received grumpy mail. I think your response to the mean guy�s mail was powerful, fair-minded, and generally typo-free.

Jealousy is a bitter, twisted thing. I should know. People are jealous of me all the time. They just don�t know it yet. No, really.

I�d like to invite you to a celebration, a celebration of the 100th visitor to my site.

Your blog is in inspiration, one of the main reasons I started my own blog some seven years ago.

In my league of heroes you are right up there with Doug Henning and Ivan Putski. That�s rare company, my bro.

Please come visit utterwonder.com and leave a favorite memory or monetary gift.

Keep up the good work!

Your friend and fan,

c monks

dear c,

your words mean a lot to me.

i cannot believe that in seven years on the web you've only gotten 100 hits.

i appreciate the high place of honor that you put me into between mr. henning and mr. putski (pictured.)

you've also sparked an idea that i think i will start doing from now on, and that is to link one person after or during each new post.

i love being linked, im sure everyone feels the same way.

anyhow, give my best to the missus, and i hope this thursday is a good one for you.

best regards,

tony

# | |

anna was over last night. first thing she said when she came over was so ashley really had that candy trail to your bedroom? and pointed to the floor.

i said of course.

she said you cant say of course when your blog says nothing in there is true.

she took a piece of candy and unwrapped it and looked at me when she put it in her mouth.

ive never understood jealousy. ive never been jealous. ive only wanted girls who have me on the top of their list. if someone else is on the top of their list, they should be with that person. anna doesnt get jealous.

she gets even.

why havent you eaten her candy, she said, and opened up another one. it was a mr. goodbar.

ive had some candy, i told her.

she didnt take it out of its little wrapper. she unpeeled it like a little banana.

put her tounge on it then without moving her head shot her attention toward me and put the tip in her mouth.

i stood there holding the mail in my hands.

people who know me know that when a girl is really gorgeous or doing something outrageous i do my best to look away because i can just find myself staring if i dont catch myself.

anna has a way of knocking down my defenses.

plus she wanted me to look. she loves it when i look.

she put the whole thing in her mouth.

then took it out.

it glimmered in the christmas lights that twinkled on the walls.

then she put it back in her mouth.

i have a lot of candy here, i told her.

i have a lot of time, she said.

and thats why i missed the softball game last night, coach.

i swear.

# | |

not all the emails i get are nice and i guess i should have expected that once all the tony love hit the world there there'd be a little bit of backlash. and of course there is.

one particular anonymous emailer wondered who the fuck i thought i was to think that i could write not one or two interesting things a day but three or four? it wondered if i knew i was a self-righteous narcissist who really couldn't write and should capitalize my words and go back to school to learn how to punctuate.

to whom it may concern,

i know im no good at punctuation, capitalization, imagination or evaporation, and i know i'm narcissistic, look at my url, sherlock.

i like it that my style pisses some people off.

i like it that people become jealous of whatever it is that this is. (no, the emailer wasnt the vodkapundit, who i love.)

i like it that some people are so aggravated by their own so-called life that they think it'll make them feel better by telling me to go to hell.

send me your misery, your hate, your gripes, your jealousies, your anger. your poor huddled massive bs yearning to be set free.

feed me with your fears.

im rubber, you're glue... but that's not true.

if it makes you feel better to try to chip away at me or dynamite me or type type type at me complaining about the obvious, be my guest, email me.

if you're going to hate me for anything, hate me for always finding the good part of a fucked up situation.

your hate brings a smile to my face cuz i know im helping you.

yes, you, the one with the envy issues.

the one with the bad blog.

theres very little worse than a bad blog.

an unread, bad blog, perhaps, written by a lost soul with nothing to say but spelled correctly

and punctuated like a sixth grade teacher whose red felt pen just ran out of bitterness.

in other news, i forgot to thank my buddy sean over at slow-dog.com for flowing the busblog $5 on my birthday via paypal. thanks bro!

# | |

caption this, please

# | |

i'm still recovering if you havent noticed. still, i feel like i havent thanked the academy enough. so ignore this post if you think that i have.

my exgirlfriend chris called me last night and asked what i was going to do for my birthday.

a bunch of my friends were at a french place watching the angels game. i was tempted to go there because i have the best friends in the world. another group of friends were over celebrating simone's birthday at palms thai, famous for its thai elvis who sings while you eat the best thai food in hollywood.

anna was in town and wanted to take me to a strip club of my choice, which is the conveniently located Cheetah's very close to my home. and there were several other offers and quite a few knocks at my door of a variety of Strip-Oh-Grams, which we wont get into at this point because im still not exactly sure what went on there.

so chris was on the phone and it occured to both of us that i hadnt eaten. she lives by the beach, i live in hollywood. we wouldnt be able to have dinner together because ashley was two miles away stalking drew barrymore and would be home in no time, so chris did something very sweet, she ordered thai for me and paid for it with her credit card. one two three awwwwww.

i had a semi spicy tom kha kai soup, curry shrimp, white rice and won tons. deeee-lish. thank you toi on vine. and thank you chris.

ashley had arrived earlier in the afternoon to suprise me. she had a cute little helium balloon tied to a wrapped gift. the balloon had a race car on it that sported the number 30 on it because she swears she saw my drivers liscense and it said that i am 30. youve seen the pictures. i aint 30.

surrounding the gift were chocolate bars and m&m's and a sweet card of a little boy and a barking dog telling me i was a very special boy. and the present was a nice new wallet, which i needed very badly, and it had what any wallet needs, a flip open flap for my bus pass on one side and my xbi badge on the other. thank you, ashley!

on my amazon wishlist i got, as reported earlier, a pancake maker, and a bamboo place mat set, to go along with a Quick Chopper. so the kitchen was represented nicely. gracias, anonymous donors.

the good people of Manila made me a big ass shoe (pictured) because they've read about my prowess, which means that i must have big feet? im not sure. the boom you heard this morning was when the ups man delivered it. im still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

but seriously.

and then there were the web page tributes, and the emails, comments, fan signs. i got emails from people who had never emailed me before and who i didnt even know read my blog. that made me feel soooooo good, you dont even know. and i got perma linked by like a half dozen sites that i didnt even know about, including one from a gay guy! who knew i would appeal to that demographic?! welcome, everyone. and thank you for the love.

after the movie ashley came home and sent me into a place where only eagles dare to fly.

they say that men are a visual creature and it's true. i could just sit there and look at a girl like ashley all night and say things and have her smile and model this or that or walk around in her clompy heels and reposition herself, and all would be well. but to have her say the things she said, and to let me photograph the evening? how could one man be so lucky? i say this not to brag, but to educate the ladies of the web that fancy dinners, etc., cannot be replaced by a floorshow. if your man loves you, love him back with exactly what he wants, and i like little outfits and spicy conversation.

i burned a dirty cd and we played it and it stopped and we didnt notice. she said things to me that would make hef blush. she smelled of perfume, she looked like an angel, she felt like, well, like a twenty year old girl should.

i wish there was a word for thankyouthankyouthankyou.

thankyouthankyouthankyou.

# | |

wow.

when i turned 50 i was lucky enough to have a girlfriend. she knew the big 5-0 would be hard on me so she got us a sweet room across the bay, she ordered up some to-go from my favorite chinese restaurant, dressed up as dirty as she could, and banged the living shit out of me.

it made a difficult birthday go down a lot smoother.

despite that wonderful evening, since then all birthdays have been tough for me.

i may not look my age, but sometimes i feel it when i'm trying to steal home, or running a hook route, or chasing a perp down a long alley. mortality is a bitch and each anniversary sometimes reminds me more of one more step to doom than a celebration of life.

the love that was showered upon me yesterday through emails and gifts and comments and web pages out there was overwhelming And i got banged by a girl who tried to dress like a dirty ho.

sometimes i wonder if i am the luckiest man in the world.

yesterday there was no question.

i feel very touched by the warmth that you all shared with me.

i swear to you that i will do my best to continue to bring you all the fucked up weirdness that you come here to find each day.

this morning, however, the first order of business it to wipe this goofy smirk off my face.

thanks again,

tony

# | |

did someone say they wanted a birthday lapdance?

oh hi christina agueilera.

tony pierce, what do i have to do to get you to spell my name right?

dont be offended, i dont spell anything right. i grammar bad too.

oh im not offended. i want to burn it into your little head.

you could get me a tshirt that says aguilera on it.

here im trying to be sexy and youre making me laugh.

my bad.

let me turn on some music.

the music is the only thing thats not turned on.

"Ooh, I'm overdue / Give me some room / I'm comin' through / Paid my dues / I'm in the mood "

like it?

i love your new song christina.

like the lyrics?

what lyrics?

"DJ's spinnin' (show your hands) / Let's get dirrty (that's my chant) / I need that (uh) to get me off / Sweat until my clothes come off"

oh, those lyrics. yes i like them.

is this okay that im this close?

mmm hmmm.

want me to get closer?

technically i dont think you could.

this is closer.

hi.

wanna see if i can get closer still?

get any closer and you'll be inside me-- HELLO.

not that kinky?

"Temperature's up (can you feel it) / 'Bout to erupt "

thats kinky?

thats the first page of the unabridged volume called kinky part one

oh, christina aguelira

i knew i could get you to spell my name right

"It's about time that I came to start the party / Sweat drippin' over my body / Dance and gettin' just a little naughty"

so what do you want for your birthday, tony pierce?

swirled peas.

what?

more cookware

you so crazy.

i like it when you talk Black, christina.

im glad.

actually, i like everything that you do.

so why didnt you say hi to me that time at the viper room?

i was blown away at the time.

by me? oh youre sweet.

okay, i dont think thats a lapdance any more

hmmm?

oh, look at that, it is.

mmmm hmmmm.

"Ahh, heat is up / So ladies, fellas, drop your cups."

what do you want for my birthday christina?

i want to let this little ho out.

it's not out?

oh, it's trying to, but theres a real little one that wants to get out, she cant find the way.

that must suck for her.

yes. but i think you might know the route.

the route?

yes, the path. do you know how to help the dirrty girl get out of me, tony?

i think she's gonna have to leapfrog over the tramp, the slut, and the closet stripper who are already out. but i'll try.

and here i thought you liked me.

like? i love you. wait, are those knee pads?

hehe

marry me.

"Tight hip huggers (low fo' sho') / Shake a little somethin' (on the floor)"

so can you help me get that little dirrty girl out?

thats the beauty of science, christina.

whats that baby?

one can pose theories, but only through repetitive experimentation can one safely surmise a valid conclusion.

lets experiment then, mr. busblog.

but you gotta be this high to ride this ride.

maybe you can help me up.

# | |

Dear Tony,

(shy) Beth from D.C. wishing you a Happy Birthday.

per your request, I have sent on a fan sign.

I didn't have a digital camera at work, so I repurposed a pic my former coworker sent me - taken just outside of Georgetown University on my last day of work in August.

He originally entitled it "the_real_reason_shes_leavin.jpg" which is totally false!

I left to slave away for my favorite lobbyist. Talk about selling out.

Anyway Tony, as we are all dodging bullets here in the district, I wanted to thank you again for a lovely blog, which has been, at times, the only thing that gets me through the day.

You're making people happy, more than you even know.

I hope your birthday is a fantastic one.

cheers,

Beth


Dear Beth,

Since i was born in dc many centuries ago, it is my pleasure to post your fan sign.

People need not call me, as the telephone wont be of much use, but i do like your sign a LOT, however if folks want to email me, tony@fuckhotmail.com seems to be working well. im feeling very good today despite the Rally Monkey trying to mix things up.

Keep fighting the good fight in my birthplace,

Tony

# | |

hi rally monkey

hi tony pierce, just wanted to jump on the birthday bandwagon and give you some crazy love.

wow, thats great, rally monkey, youre too kind.

well i was looking at your amazon wish list and i saw that you only got one other gift other than the Quick Chop and i figured now would be a good time for me to come out and drum up a little more support for you before this little game is over.

aw, thats sweet, pal, but i dont think im going to be begging for free stuff any more off this blog. the kids just dont seem to like it much.

yeah, but you have a good point. i see the wish lists of the cam girls and cam women, and those babes get so much free junk from their readers, and for why? because they show their bellies? or give the fellas a glimmer of hope that they'll eventually get some play? puh-lease. you provide real entertainment here tony, if you want $6.66 or the new Cobain book, you should get it.

again, thats real nice, rally monkey, but it's cool. my cup overfloweths in other ways.

like what, like the ladies? dont lie, you dont get that much love.

quality, not quantity, my fine furry friend.

dont matter. these girls should be going apeshit over you and you should have more gifts than you could ever ask for. where the hell has layne and welch been these last weeks? monkeying around. meanwhile you've done more than take up the slack.

those guys are doing top secret behind the scenes double dealings. the fruits of their labors will be sweet in the upcoming months and years. watch your mouth.

i spit on their double dealings. except welch. he's the only true angels fan on the web.

dont spit on layne, he's being romantical right now. and i think he's writing a new novel for our asses.

whatever, tony. i'm here. that means good things will start happening for you right now.

btw, rally monkey, wKen flowed $6.66 which will definately go to tonights lapdance fund. so major props to my bro up north.

see? i got you some crazy magic already. arent you glad i came?

yes. and thank you to whoever got me the pancake thing off my wishlist. made me laugh laugh laugh here in my cubicle.

ok, gotta jet off to frisco. big game tonight.

yes, i'll be watching it from jumbo's tonight.

they got a tv in there?

they got tvs, bi's, les's you name it.

stick to the crimefighting, tp.

go angels!

update: the Rally Monkey is telling me from his limo to LAX that someone has scored me the coveted Bamboo Place Mats off the wishlist. Gracias!!!!!

# | |

well, im having a pretty nice birthday. besides all the totally wonderful kickass rocknroll sweet lovable people who have either wished me a happy birthday in my comments or on their page, my boss is gonna let me go home early as soon as i finish this project.

but im such a procrastinator, that might not be till tomorrow.

in the mail i got a really cool card from meesh that includes several photographs, some even suitable for framing. thanks meesh.

i got two cards from my mom, one that had a $50 check in it and one that had a $50 gift card for best buy. (i have the best mom in the world.) this morning she woke me up by singing happy birthday in my answering machine. i coulda picked up but its nice to have that on your machine for a few days. sniff. sniff.

i got a card from my sister which had another $50 best buy gift card.

ashley called last night right before midnight. turns out the movie i thought i was gonna go see with her shes gonna take someone else, so i might just head down to the local strip bar after workie poo and see if i can milk any lap dances off the ladies on account of this being the day of my birth and all. gotta be careful in hollywood cuz that might mean they all bring you in the back and practice unsafe sex on you. but at least the music will be good.

chris called last night right after midnight all sleepy and cute. shes the best. totally filled out this outfit at nicolette's dinner the other night and i thought, "i used to get that on the regular? damn!"

i got quoted on Instapundit yesterday. im not much of an approval suck but it sunk in yesterday that of all the people chiming in about Little Green Footballs, the professor chose my words to put on his site. hmmm. pretty awesome, even for a jaded fuck like me.

i guess im really not lame.

and even though it's not a scientific study, i got about twice as many hits from LGF, which might have been due to the fact that everyone was pointing to charles yesterday and then he pointed to me. sorta wish i had something good up there for the kids, but whatev. theyre used to mediocraty from the web.

before i forget lets also acknowledge Simone (the blonde in the picture above) who turns 97 today, and will be eating thai tonight in hollywood. mmmmm tempting.

tonight after the movie ashley will molest me. that'll be nice. i sorta want to do something special, but i cant think of anything special. like should we go do it in the woods? or on the 50 yard like of the LA Collesium? strangest thing about being with a girl who'll do anything you want is that most of the times all you want to do is hold her hand and have her rest her head on your shoulder.

so fifty yard line it is.

maybe the thirty six yard line, cuz thats how many lap dances i would like tonight.

had a nice instant message chat with fat sarah last night. very cool girl. she said that when i get home there will be a fan sign waiting for me. you know what those are? its when the ladies take a digital cam pic of themselves holding up a sign that says something like i heart tony.

ladies, feel free to email me your fan signs tony@fuckhotmail.com

xoxoxo

tony

# | |

rejoice!



this fool was born 109 years ago today

# | |

Nirvana

"You Know You're Right"
(Cobain)

I would never bother you
I would never promise to
I will never follow you
I will never bother you
Never speak a word again
I will crawl away for good

I will move away from here
You won't be afraid or fear
No thought was put into this
I always knew it would come to this
Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail

Paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn (3x)
You know you're right (3x)

I'm so warm and calm inside
I no longer have to hide
Let�s talk about someone else
Steaming, soon begins to melt
Nothing really bothers her
She just wants to love herself

I will move away from here
You wont be afraid or fear
No thought was put into this
I always knew to come to this
Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail

Paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn (5x)
You know you're right (17x) (except last 3 or 4 where he sings:
You know your rightS
Paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn

# | |

hi tony.

hi scary pumpkins.

yeah, well, we fucked up and forgot that tomorrow was your birthday, why didn't you tell everyone.

aw, well you know me, im a little timid about telling people personal details about my life.

nah huh. how old are you gonna be?

109.

wow, you look terrific, how do you do it?

drugs, alcohol, barely legal girlfriends.

you don't take drugs.

i know.

and you rarely drink.

shhh. i have an image to uphold.

and that girl isn't even your girlfriend!

please, will you shut up, please! don't make me get a big spoon and scoop out your insides.

so what do you want for your birthday?

i would like for the world to be a better place.

tangible things, please.

i would like to go to a strip club with my two ex girlfriends.

yowza. anything else?

no, not really. i said earlier that i want to kiss 36 girls. i think now i'll settle for six amazing ones.

why the change?

kissed thirty over the weekend to warm up.

aren't you afraid of catching something?

cant catch anything kissing. it's kissing!

not herpes?

fuck herpes.

what about mono?

you know what pumpkins, that's one thing i'd like for my birthday. i'd like everyone to put aside all their bullshit fears surrounding good for just one day. real good. like everyone, if they want to eat cake that day, say the hell with the damn diet that theyve been on for half their life. eat a piece of damn cake.

right on!

and if you want to say hi to that pretty girl on the third floor, march up there and say hi. get her number even. quit listening to that same old stale voice that tells us that the things that we want somehow are either wrong, impossible, or in someway threats to our stable, miserable lives.

preach, preacha!

i have a dream, holiday gourds.

that we can all live together in peace?

no. that people can kiss each other at bars and in night clubs and their hearts flutter and their blood pressure goes up and they don't need so much booze any more. i have a dream, my friends.

yeah, that's a dream alright. we don't even have lips.

then it's done. we'll kiss since pumpkins can't.

we would.

yep.

a lot.

i bet.

ah, fuck.

# | |

i get the best email

Hello, Tony.

My name's S--. You may remember me as proprietor of the now-defunct blog "--- --- -- Bandit" which linked to you back during your "100 links or bust" period. I've got an odd question for you about "The Ring."

My wife is emetophobic, i.e. she's terrified of vomit, vomitting, gagging, nasty throat wounds, etc. We can't go see a movie before we get a "vomit check," to ensure that she won't be stuck seeing someone puke on a 30 foot screen in surroundsound.

So, is there vomitting, etc, in "The Ring"?

Thanks!
S---

S---,

Great question.

I don't get these sorts of questions enough.

The Ring is more creepy than it is scary. Not really twisted, not really gross, not really violent. I didn't learn until later that it was PG-13, but that made sense to me because it had no nudity, cursing. It played more like a very well educated fright film than a slasher one where you get vomit and bile and little babies ripped from the wombs of the decomposed.

There is one scene where someone pulls a long string from their mouth. I'm not sure if that qualifies as something that would sicken your spouse, but as soon as you see the woman pull something from her mouth, cover your wife's eyes. It's more confusing, that scene, than it is sick. But then, again, i'm not emetophobic, so i wouldnt know.

My friend Karisa hates blood, and this movie would be good for her because theres not an awful lot of it.

hope this answers the question,

tony

[ update, i'm being told that that scene also includes dry heaving, so beware ]

# | |

The Clash
London Calling
Columbia Records, 1979

"Hateful"
(M. Jones, J. Strummer)

Well, I got a friend who's a man
What man?
The man who keeps me from the lovely
He gives me what I need
What you need?
What you got?
I need it all so badly

Oh, anything I want he gives it to me
Anything I want he gives it,
but not for free
It's hateful
And it's paid for and I'm so grateful to be nowhere

This year I've lost some friends
Some friends?
What friends?
I dunno, I ain't even noticed

You see, I gotta go out again
Again?
My friend
I gotta see that main man

I killed all my nerves
My nerves?
What swerves?
And I can't drive so steady

I've lost my memory
My mind?
Behind!
I can't see so clearly

# | |

around the horn

islavista.net is now available.

speaking of the finest town in the universe i enjoyed the Details article in this month's issue and liked how on one hand they praised the students for being intelligent and the campus to be littered with nobel prize winners, and at the same time berated the students for being the wild party animals that college kids can be. but mostly i liked the cool pictures. sweet job, Details.

bill quick, the daily pundit, seems perturbed that i would assume that warbloggers would happily cover all aspects of this second bush war, including the cries from the dissentors, like sean penn. instead of admitting that he too missed a good chance to rise above the madding crowd by publishing the entire penn creed (and then making fun of it), quick invites me to bite him.

consider yourself bitten, old chap.

mere minutes after Rush Limbaugh ripped into NYT Maureen Dowd after she calls the president a "boy" ten times in her column on sunday, republican bath house towel boy drudge quoted the diminishing limbaugh generously as if the talk show host's words had been handed to drudge personally.

msnbc's "blogspotting", edited by Will Femia asks its readers if Little Green Footballs is hateful. pardon me, will, but you're msnbc's expert on blogs, why dont you tell us? btw, LGF is far from hateful, they just know who their enemy is and they dont let up. relentless is the word, will, fearless is another word, bro. ruthless, sharp, pointed, popular, and seething are some other words that you could use. but hateful is bogus and reactionary and you should take it off your page.

charles johnson could easilly be confused for a hippie who lost his hackey sack. hes a computer expert who knows way too much about the saudis than i feel comfortable asking him about. he has found a nitche and filled it wonderfully. msnbc only wish they had the nads to turn LGF into their 7th pro weblog.

nay has a new layout.

jim treacher makes a funny

the rally monkey is for real.

the hosemonster interviews meesh, and she claims to "know" me. it's in a blog, so it must be true.

instapundit still hasnt bothered with sean penn, instead focusing on things like doonesbury. say it aint so, glenn.

# | |

email of the day

Tony, your site is incredible! really, I'm impressed, it's like you have some amazing stream-of-consciousness rap that you can capture in print.

I'm a convert!! Your site inspired me to start my own blog.

But I'm confused, b-cause the things you write about, like interviewing the supermodels, are beyond believability.

And yet, there you are in some of the photographs livin the big-pimpin' life that you talk about it your blog. But looking at you.. and DO NOT take this as an offense, but. you're not the best looking guy in the world. Not ugly, don't get me wrong, but not worthy of the beautiful life you seem to lead.

Anyway, please convey your infinite wisdom on your newest fan!!

How do you pull off this amazing life of yours?

-Adolfo

Adolfo,

thank you for your email.

you're right. the site is incredible. and it really does seem like i have some sort of stream of conscious thing going on, which means to me, that it has some sort of flow. some writers don't like being called stream of conscious, but i don't mind.

but most importantly you're correct in your analysis of my less than handsome looks.

i take no offense.

i too am amazed by not only the quality of this blog, but by the lifestyle that an average looking fellow like myself can sustain despite the lack of blessings of height, muscles or Grecian good looks. instead of long flowing blonde locks, mine are brown and curly and thinning. instead of six pack abs, my belly bulges slightly and is fuzzy with curly hairs. instead of hulking vin diesel arms, mine are scrawny and wanting.

how do i get laid so often? how do i get to go out on dates with the finest wom