someone narced on me and said i was bitching, so they turned me into a monkey, gave me a guitar and made me take requests.

people were yelling out for skynyrd tunes and i could do that, when i wasnt a damn monkey.

then this crazy woman crawled up behind me and started singing something totally different than "gimme three steps" and people started booing, and i kept wanting to tell her to shut the hell up as i was trying to get adjusted to my paws and the terribly tuned kiddie guitar but all that came out was eeep eeep eeep.

some fat lady in the front row was laughing her ass off and i was thinking i could take a jump at her head, bounce off and maybe make it to the bottom of the left balcony, climb up there and make a quick getaway until i saw that i was chained to the stage.

so i let the bitch behind me sing and tried to play rhythm.

beatles!

dave matthews band!!

stairway!!!!

people in hell have no taste. or maybe they do. maybe to ease their pain they just try to bring more pain to those around them. pass the buck as it were.

kansas!!

i slapped the chick with my tail which stunned her and i tried to fingerpick the opening to "dust in the wind" and i had it working until a string broke from my wickedly long nails.

the drunkards loved it.

they really loved it when i took the guitar string and started to strangle the chick with it and pulled her hair with my tail and bounced around and scratched out her eyes and pissed on the floor.

but they stopped laughing when i shat and threw it at them.

they rushed the stage just as the curtain fell and the clown came out with a hose and firehosed me, the chick, and the trucker who had started wailing on me.

and strangely, that wasnt even the best act of the night.

the invisible hand

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the biggest problem with hell is that theres no chicken exits you cant quit you cant stop you cant hang your self.

or shoot yourself.

or become anorexic
or racist or fat or shoot everyone in your school.

or jump into the la brea tar pits

or lead people to an old resume and beg people to hire you - keeping in mind that the new email address is tony@tonypierce.com

or course.

you cant kill yourself.

you cant kill anyone else.

and you cant even cry because in hell everyone is looking at you waiting to laugh at you if you cry.

you just have to deal.

and if you deal they'll figure something out the next day.

and something worse the day after.

but they'll wait until the worst

to bust out the worst.

see, theyve been doing this way longer than you.

bitchen

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after my exit interview two guys took me into a tiny little room and tried to prove that i was gay.

you're gay.

no im not.

yes you are.

no im not.

you were a poetry major.

i did it to be near girls.

you were good at poems.

i was good at everything.

gay guys are good at everything.

not knowing about sports.

what about costas?

costas was gay?

you tell us.

fellas, im not gay.

do you like art?

everyone likes art!

do you like quiche?

do you like quiche?

shut up and tell us you're gay.

fine, youre gay.

did you go to a lot of foreign films?

just to impress the ladies

maybe he's bi.

are you bi?

not even a little.

would you make out with a guy to get to have sex with the hottest chick in the world?

hmmmm, let me think. maybe.

ok youre gay.

making out doesnt make you gay.

yes it does.

well if you do it for like an hour, maybe.

even for five minutes.

then i guess im not gay cuz i havent even done it for 5 minutes.

4 minutes?

nope.

3 minutes?

is that an invite?

youre so gay.

you two ever go to Wendys?

of course.

theres a salad bar at Wendys, you two ever went up there and gave the man a few bucks to eat at the salad bar?

nope.

me neither. always wanted a burger of some sort, and i always wanted pussy whenever i got hard.

theres a special place in Hell for the gays.

then i guess im not special.

got that right, sweetheart.

and then they kissed me.

the nirvana message board

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after our orientation lunch break we had to take an exit interview about our life.

how did you like your life?

shorter than i thought.

you lived to 109 didnt you?

no, not really.

you lied in your blog?

is everyone insane down here?

how many girls did you make love to?

15, 16. whatever the average was.

how many girls did you kiss?

25?

you dont remember?

all i can remember are major league baseball players' careers and nba players' names. and even thats a little fuzzy.

what was your favorite movie?

the blues brothers.

very interesting. why?

it had all the elements of a great movie: people broke into song, there were dance routines, car chases, scores of cop cars being wrecked, nazis being outwitted, comedy, drama, carrie fischer with a machine gun painting her nails, ray charles shooting a gun at a little kid, and a shot of wrigley field.

did you have any children?

nope.

sad about that?

nope.

why not

ahh, i halfassed at everything else in life, i probably woulda halfassed at that too.

what would you like to have accomplished that you didnt before you died?

i would have liked to have seen the Cubs win the world series.

what, are you a comedian?

pardon me?

what was your major in college?

poetry.

are you gay?

nope.

are you sure

yep.

hmmm, step this way.

tiny little penis

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i know it's tuesday and i shoulda started this monday but not everything works on Earth time, and not everything has to start on Mondays or at the begining of the month.

so there.

hell makes you a little pissy sometimes. sorry. makes me a little pissy sometimes.

had this hot chick over the cave last night (not pictured). first she was late cuz she was hanging out with her exboyfriend, i was all thinking, fuck man!

thankfully i tivoed joe millionaire which is risky down here cuz it doesnt always work, or the power will go out, or some shit will happen. you never know. my advice, prepare for the worst.

so she comes over, she looks cute. i had a hard time cooling off my angry feelings, plus it's hot as fuck down here all of a sudden, at like all the time. the wind is even hot. hot and gives you shivers. and its a wet heat. you sweat but it doesnt cool you. you sweat and it only makes you want a shower. but all they have here are golden showers. and those are hot. not sexy hot. 98.6 degrees hot.

i dont mind stinking. im not here to impress any one. what are the girls gonna do, write me off for eternity? there'll be more.

we watch the tv show. its good. we both have to wake up early so we go to bed.

then we go to the chair.

then we go to the wall.

then we go to the ceiling.

then we go to sleep.

then at 530am her dumbass ex calls! wakes us up. i was all, wtf, woman!

but it's hell and i suppose that i should just get used to this shit but its hard to. i dont want to get used to anything bad. but death, just like life, is all about making adjustments, i suppose. especially when it comes to expectations. and in a perfect world i would have expected that i would be the only soul in her world that morning, but i dont even know where my soul is any more.

all i know it's hot here.

and i have a headache.

and if people dont start leaving comments im gonna get pissed off.

madpony

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pssst.
theres an auction going on around here.
a celebration, to ring in the new year.

it's only up for a week.

check out the photo essay that explains it all, then go to the auction. then bid, BID!

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they had cable down here in hell for a while, but they stopped because the customer service was so horrible. so we're back to rabbit ears. the only channel that comes in any good is fox which is cool because i get to see the simpsons and tonight i get to see joe millionaire.

this week though is Ashleys Birthday week.

the Daisy Princess turns 21 on Saturday.

want to buy her stuff? it's cool with me, just go here, something i made last year.

ashley is more than just a hot chick, she's a sensation. shes an inspiration. being in hell makes me miss her even more because a lot of the girls here wear their hair in a bun so that it wont catch fire.

one super nice thing about ashley is that whenever i wanted her hair down she would just undo her rubberband and shake her head all glamourously and her flowing golden locks would fall like as if in a fairy tale.

little known fact about h-e- double pogo sticks, if someone prays for you you can hear it. and ashley said the cutest little prayer for me the other day, she said that she thought that my last two photo essays were really good and she missed me and that made me happy.

a nice prayer like that kills an evil deed in hell.

i think it was her kind words that paved the way for those kickass playoff games this weekend, but who knows.

if i was back on earth, what would i do with a completely legal ashley princess?

maybe take her to a champagne brunch?

lil lapdance at the forty-deuce?

six pack of miller cans under the overpass in east la?

bottle of night train wrapped in a brown paper bag in an alley off crenshaw?

the correct answer, as always, is e.) all of the above.

one of the times we broke up for good

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the lakers are wearing white on sunday home games and most people think it's just a marketing ploy to sell white kobe and shaq jerseys but it's not. its because variety is the spice of life.

when i was in the orientation meeting everyone had to stand up and introduce themselves.

hi, my name is tony. i was an undercover superhero in hollywood, california, earth, and now im here.

everyone booed.

down here that means hi.

it also means boo.

what were my hobbies?

i liked model planes, horticulture and reading the Bible.

they booed louder.

tony was also a very popular blogger.

this made them stop booing.

and slowly

they started to laugh.

hysterically.

one guy was crying he was laughing so much.

soon someone knocked at the door to see what was happening, someone told the guy and they pointed at me. then they both started laughing and patting each other on the back.

then i started laughing cuz it was pretty funny.

then everyone settled down.

then some lady chuckled.

then another lady gafawwed.

a dude snorted.

then everyone laughed again.

i laughed, farted, then laughed harder.

someone tried to ask me a question, but busted out laughing.

then everyone joined in again.

a fat guy turned blue and wheezed while catching his breath, his buddy opened his shirt a little and waved some air at him. he took out his asthma thing and blew some air in his lungs and stopped looking blue.

then he coughed.

then he went back to laughing.

then he ripped a little fart.

then everyone started laughing all over again.

raymi the minx

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