fun with old emails

today we will start a new feature where we dig through old emails sent to me, take them out of context, slightly, get rid of the beginnings and ends, and put them next to a picture of a wild animal.

oh, and not mention who they were from.

consider this project #1, specially processed for your sweet asses

Dear Tony,

You know what might help is those paraffin wax dips. Like at a manicurists.
Bet that would feel good.
Speaking of Bukkake, did you read today, I was aghast, good stuff
So u going to write full time??!
Maybe you need more rest, or get your girl to type for you.
I'd do it for you
if I was your girl.
And I'd make sure you spelt all the words right too.

Cause I'm just that kind of girl

Arrrgh, tomorrow is QOTSA (I think it's at Palladium?)! But you have to come by with Karisa after the gallery opening.
Whereabouts is it?
The Argyle is on Sunset.
Traffic is off the hook! Biggest day so far! 400 between noon yesterday and
today.! Fuck me!
Saturday we are going to see Puppetry of the Penis at the Coronet. You have
to check out their website. Looks hilarious!

No! You rule!

I just posted a pic
Tell me quick if I should take it down

I think it's funny

the blog of the century of the week

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Public Enemy
It Takes A Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back
Def Jam Records

"Black Steel In The Hour Of Chaos"

I got a letter from the government
The other day
I opened and read it
It said they were suckers
They wanted me for their army or whatever
Picture me given a damn I said never
Here is a land that never gave a damn
About a brother like me and myself
Because they never did
I wasn't wit' it but just that very minute...
It occured to me
The suckers had authority
Cold sweatin' as I dwell in my cell
How long has it been?
They got me sittin' in the state pen
I gotta get out - but that thought was thought before
I contemplated a plan on the cell floor
I'm not a fugitive on the run
But a brother like me begun - to be another one
Public enemy servin' time - they drew the line y'all
To criticize me some crime - never the less
They could not understand that I'm a Black man
And I could never be a veteran
On the strength, the situation's unreal
I got a raw deal, so I'm goin' for the steel

They got me rottin' in the time that I'm servin'
Tellin' you what happened the same time they're throwin'
4 of us packed in a cell like slaves - oh well
The same motherfucker got us livin' is his hell
You have to realize - what its a form of slavery
Organized under a swarm of devils
Straight up - word'em up on the level
The reasons are several, most of them federal
Here is my plan anyway and I say
I got gusto, but only some I can trust - yo
Some do a bid from 1 to 10
And I never did, and plus I never been
I'm on a tier where no tears should ever fall
Cell block and locked - I never clock it y'all
'Cause time and time again time
They got me servin' to those and to them
I'm not a citizen
But ever when I catch a C-O
Sleepin' on the job - my plan is on go-ahead
On the strength, I'ma tell you the deal
I got nothin' to lose
'Cause I'm goin' for the steel

You know I caught a C-O
Fallin' asleep on death row
I grabbed his gun - then he did what I said so
And everyman's got served
Along with the time they served
Decency was deserved
To understand my demands
I gave a warnin' - I wanted the governor, y'all
And plus the warden to know
That I was innocent -
Because I'm militant
Posing a threat, you bet it's fuckin' up the government
My plan said I had to get out and break north
Just like with Oliver's neck
I had to get off - my boys had the feds in check
They couldn't do nuthin'
We had a force to instigate a prison riot
This is what it takes for peace
So I just took the piece
Black for Black inside time to cut the leash
Freedom to get out - to the ghetto - no sell out
6 C-Os we got we ought to put their head out
But I'll give 'em a chance, cause I'm civilized
As for the rest of the world, they can't realize
A cell is hell - I'm a rebel so I rebel
Between bars, got me thinkin' like an animal
Got a woman C-O to call me a copter
She tried to get away, and I popped her
Twice, right
Now who wanna get nice?
I had 6 C-Os, now it's 5 to go
And I'm serious - call me delirious
But I'm still a captive
I gotta rap this
Time to break as time grows intense
I got the steel in my right hand
Now I'm lookin' for the fence

I ventured into the courtyard
Followed by 52 brothers
Bruised, battered, and scarred but hard
Goin' out with a bang
Ready to bang out
But power from the sky
And from the tower shots rang out
A high number of dose - yes
And some came close
Figure I trigger my steel
Stand and hold my post
This is what I mean - an anti-nigger machine
If I come out alive and then they won't - come clean
And then I threw up my steel bullets - flew up
Blew up, who shot...
What, who, the bazooka was who
And to my rescue, it was the S1Ws
Secured my getaway, so I just gotaway
The joint broke, from the black smoke
Then they saw it was rougher thatn the average bluffer
'Cause the steel was black, the attitude exact
Now the chase is on tellin' you to c'mon
53 brothers on the run, and we are gone

matt welch

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i couldnt be a fashion designer, all i would end up with would be plaid skirts, leather pants, cheerleader sweaters, and go go boots.

nobody wants a line like that.

the academy sent over adaptation last night. i didnt have anyone to watch it with which was actually good because i was working on the website for my attorney. i watched it once and didnt really like it but i thought that was maybe because i was working as i was watching it. so then after i was done working i watched it again and still i didnt like it.

a movie about writing a movie is sorta lame. sorry. and did anything really happen? was anything resolved? i get it that thats what the screenwriter was talking about but, wtf, spike?

there were about two spike jonez moments in the whole film if you dont count the excellent trick photography during the scenes where nick cage plays his twin brother, but so what?

am i to believe that women would fall for a guy just because he's a good writer? that it doesnt matter if he's fat and balding and unattractive and lives with his brother? does charlie kaufman really want me to think that gorgeous women in hollywood really just want a man who's smart and funny and positive and knows how to tell a good story?

like that would ever happen in a million years.

and then theres meryl streep, am i supposed to believe that she would fall for a toothless hick just because he gets obsessive about things?

who the fuck is writing this movie? this is no movie, it's a nerd's wet dream, but it's not even that, it's the story of a nerd writing about writing about a nerd's wet dream. bullshit i say. bull fucking shit.

i want spike jonez to do better, please.

youre the best director out there. dont waste nick cage and meryl streep like that with that bullshit script.

i dont care that all of hollywood is falling all over themselves to get to charlie kaufman. a few years ago everyone was trying to get to arsenio.

plus the characters were all flat.

plus you cant have gurus in good stories. especially gurus who accept an invite to a fucking bar and help the protaganist over a brew and does such a wonderful job guruing that he gets a hug and changes the poor schmuck's life. fuck that. it's too easy. and it's completely unrealistic outside of in bad books and movies.

in the wee hours after i watched the movie for a second time i popped in grand theft auto and ran over a bunch of people in my stolen cop car and went to bed forgetting that i hadnt locked my front door, but remembering that i got my first real life fan letter from a very interesting woman in new mexico who fancies herself a lithographer.

thank you for your letter and cool drawings!

and ashley im still waiting for my key

pierce + 4845 fountain #15 + hollywood + ca + 90029

soundbitten

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dear major newspaper or magazine, please let me work for you.

tony pierce?

yes?

hi, we're a major newspaper or magazine.

oh hi. Hi!

yes, we would like to hire you.

praise Jesus.

we wont pay you much.

thats ok.

you wont get to write anything good right away.

thats fine.

we'll make you write in our patented style.

thats cool.

you wont get a very nice desk or window.

who cares?

we'll call you nigger boy.

ive been called worse.

you probably wont get promoted for a while.

thats nothing new.

we wont give you any coffee.

i dont like coffee.

and no smoke breaks.

i dont smoke either.

do you think this is some sort of joke or something?

nope.

i dont like your attitude.

but i dont have an attitude.

yes you do, its a positive attitude.

trust me, it's fake.

do you really date all those girls?

what girls? oh, yes.

and you really have all those friends?

i actually have way more.

and youre saying you dont have a positive attitude?

im saying its a fake positive attitude.

so youre lying all day?

sometimes if youre bummed and you start seeing things as bummed then that can spiral into even more bummed. same goes if youre happy. if you fake being happy, sometimes nice things happen to you for no good reason.

you would never fit in here.

thats ok, i dont fit in anywhere.

kitty bukakke on fire

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caption this, please

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fell asleep on the lap of the clipper girl last night as she stroked my 'fro and told me that it was ok that i pass out, that i had had a long day and i work at a place that doesnt understand my genius or my coolness under pressure or my happy-go-lucky nature.

she said that not everyone knows that when i smile it's not always a happy smile, that sometimes it's a nervous smile, or a smile to cover super sadness or freaked-out-ness. everything is a fake out. everything is high school sports. everything is trying to outwit the opponent into thinking that youre the fucking man.

and everyone is the opponent.

clipper girl kissed my forehead and asked me if i was interested in having her spend the night.

i said, what happened to our movie?

she said, its over sweetie.

i asked, was it good?

she said, if you have to ask... then she laughed.

she laughs at all of her own jokes. i like that cuz i do the same damn thing.

at night i was having a nightmare and she held me and told me it was going to be alright.

i said, i dont think it is gonna be all right.

she said, it might not ever be all right.

i said all right.

nothing better than a girl you can trust.

then neither of us could get back to sleep so we talked real soft, whispering at each other and watching the clock change from 3:04am to 3:05am and she asked me if i wanted to get a haircut after work at her girlfriend's salon.

i told her that i would rather go to the barbershop in the hood that i like to go to.

she said i would like her girlfriend's salon.

i said, no i didnt think i would.

then she said she wanted to have a midnight snack and i told her i was on a diet and she got out of bed walked out to the kitchen with that fine ass, fixed up a banana split with chocolate sauce on the top and came back into bed with that shit and offered me a taste, but all i got was mostly whipped creme.

which isnt so bad when you think about it.

the next best thing from la is coming

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strippergram showed up at my door with triple d breasteses, a six pack, and an academy screener of The Good Girl.

the academy has figured out that i fall asleep during these movies if they get sent over too late in the eve, so ive been getting this shit pretty much right after i get home from the office.

im not a big fan of Friends. i probably have only seen three episodes all the way through. maybe four.

fuck friends.

but i am a big fan of the independent film office space which starred the friends chick and the good girl has a similar tone of subtle humor.

i wish i knew some subtle humor.

me and clipper girl were sitting around watching american idol the other night and she said, "you havent thought of a good video game in a while. think of one right now."

shes a super cute girl and for some reason she always inspires me.

so i said, ok, its called Back From The Dead and what you can be is an assassinated hero like martin luther king jr. or ghandi or jfk or joan of ark or someone and you walk around the city and you get to blow away bad people and your goal is to snuff out enough of them that you get to go head to head against a giant version of whoever it was who assasinated you.

only problem is the cops dont know that youre Back From The Dead, plus you're leaving a trail of blood behind you from your mortal wound, so youre pretty easy to follow, so its a good idea to ask someone nicely if you can use their car.

most people wont let you so you might have to steal it when they go shopping.

joan of ark is constantly on fire so you have to make sure that she doesnt get too close to trees or children else they will start on fire.

clipper girl yawned. not at all impressed.

sounds like a grand theft auto ripofff she said and inspected her toenail polish.

ah yes, but the real game is Back From the Deal Online where you can team up with some of your favorite martyrs and form a gang and roam the streets like a herd and become one of the strangest troupes around.

problems walking around with abe lincoln with a hole in his hat or jfk with most of his face blown off is that you not only attract crowds but also paparazzi who are constantly telling the press where you are.

so you have to keep moving.

dont stop.

today im getting a haircut.

mc brown's super bowl party pictures

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my girlfriend pamela anderson.

me and my girlfriend drink tallboy cans of whatever and hold hands and make out on the way home from the movies in the shadows of doorways, and up against fences, upside a mailbox, next to the sea.

she says the best things. she likes diamond rings.

first time we met i was like holy mackeral.

first time i kissed her

i was like holy mackeral.

some things shouldnt be. and theres no way that i should have any of the things i have.

and you might not know this but i was a pretty fair skateboarder back in the day

you could have seen me nearly ever night skating next to the pacific on the rough streets of isla vista littered with dried out palm fronds, the skeletons of burnt couches, and shoes

not sober not awake not waving, drowsy,

and then suddenly downhill

i discovered that some of the best things about daily life

are the moments where it makes no sense

in a good way

and youre pulling it off.

so i hold my girlfriend's hand a lot so i can remind myself

that it's real

like anythings real.

midnight magica

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can i tell you anything? how on earth can i tell you anything? id like to tell you anything.

let me tell you this. i was having a shitty night. then i came home and a bunch of people had given me money.

thank you people who gave me money.

10. krix
11. brett lamb
12. eric n.
13. brian

you have no idea how happy it all made me.

this is the biggest win win game i could think of. i win because you are getting me a new ride. and i win because each flowage boosts my spirits that much higher.

big difference between hell and earth is that in hell when things become shitty you sorta expect it so it's not all that bad. plus everyone around you is getting it really bad too.

meanwhile on earth, if something bad happens to you its fucked up because no one else seems to be suffering, plus, here we all think things should be peachy every damn second.

even though nothing has ever been peachy every damn second.

you guys have known for a long time that i never liked being an xbi agent. i still dont.

even though chopper one is flying better than ever, tonight i walked home and thought i was about to cry.

then i thought about how the only job i could get right away would probably be teaching.

then i thought how i would be a rotten teacher.

but, if you listen to my bosses, im pretty fucking rotten at all my other gigs, so who cares if i influence the youth of america in the wrong way?

if i were to teach, youre going to laugh, but the class that i would love to teach the most is the Bible as Literature.

did i tell you that one of my new years resolutions is to read the Bible every day?

it is, and ive done it.

i love the Bible.

im so fucked.

so anyway, chopper one cant really talk or think, but it can, and it does, and it said, quit if you want to but only pussy ass bitches would quit right now.

ive influenced a half billion dollar machine.

negatively.

if i could tell you anything right now it would be im totally disatisfied

confused pissed bitter scared sad angry horrified

anxious aching worrisome hungry

and ready for the worst.

i gotta quench you cant thirst.

raymi's secret blog

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elitist? people will call you the strangest names, sometimes i wonder if they even think about what theyre typing.

elitism would suggest that i would think of myself better than others. and only mingle with a select group. take one look at my friends and you will see that i hang out with a wide variety of saints and sinners, obviously having no standard whatsoever in chosing friends other than in their ability to hold their liquor and be wonderful.

plus i just spent a month in hell where i admited i belonged.

elitist?

i look down my nose at such a slur.

from the back seat of the #21 ucla metro bus as it bounces through koreatown, where all us elitists congregate.

how can a man who writes so incessantly about himself continue to be so misunderstood?

because i dont kiss the ass of each and every person who crosses my path?

ive kissed the asses of some and it came back to bite me in the ass.

elitist. hardly.

how can one be elitist when he is nothing but a common panhandler with nothing but a colorful sign that says little more than gimme.

speaking of which, those of you who would like to give more or less than $10 all you have to do is click the picture in this post of my girl donna f. from the donnas.

yes i like girls.

no im not ashamed.

and i freaking love the donnas.

and i freaking love all of you.

even the stinky ones.

(but not the super stinky ones who tell me to fuck off in the aol chat as if i was the bitch ass and not vous)

thank you to these nice people who flowed to the busblog:

4. kim t.
5. matthew
6. orion
7. matt m.
8. timothy
9. lane

and this chick better start writing on her thing or i will be pissed

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the bacon wrapped hot dogs smelled good at seven fifteen pm at the corner of vermont and wilshire. and it didn't hurt that it was sixty five degrees as the sun set that last monday in january.

wilshire can be a classy ass street, especially at night, even on that side of town and bryn was tempted.

the north hollywood red line had done him wrong.

wilshire/western ran one minute late and north hollywood ran one minute fast and even though the conductor saw him waving his skateboard at him with a parade of commuters behind him, the man with the jacket that said Metro thought to himself, next train in 12 minutes, those fuckers can wait, released the brake and headed out, fuck sentence structure cursed the run on, fuck everything said the fragment.

anarchy is fine in the uk cuz who the fuck gives a fuck about the uk the train conductor thought, ironically while knowing full well that he was a minute fast and those people really should have the opportunity to jam into the overcrowded ten year old subway cars magically graffiti free. bryn thought that it was because they dont ever let any one on them and he smiled sarcastically at a businessman who swore with an east coast accent.

so he walked up the stairs and emerged from the wilshire vermont station and toed the curb to see if the new Vermont rapid bus was anywhere nearby and that's when he smelled the perfectly grilled dogs crackling beneath fresh onions on the metal surface of an umbrellaed cart being tended to by a mexican man who was secretly from guatemala.

at least im not a 40 year old hot dog vendor, bryn thought as he saw no new rapid vermont bus, opened up his one hundred thousand dollar bar and took a bite making sure to not chew with the right side of his mouth as that was where his nerve was exposed due to the tooth that had chipped off due to the unusual weight of the filling which caused a fracture in the tooth and eventually cracked it over time and then it eventually broke off into the mouth due to the sudden stickiness of a fifty cent balance bar bought at a ninety nine cent store that shares a strip mall with a strip club called tulips.

theres no way in the world im going to let the haters get in the way or for there to be a big giant debate on here as to this or that, its just going to happen.

at the end of the year it will be over and we will tally it up and make the purchase and then people can say whatever, but i say help it, for its good to have ridiculous things happen in the name of nonsense.

we have an imbecile in the oval office.

lord knows most of you keep trying to make something good from that

byrn thought as he went back down the stairs to the north hollywood platform, now twice as crowded with waiting working people forced to stand because the city believes that benches in public places would provide a resting place for the homeless.

the middle of a sidewalk, bryn assumed they assumed, would be better.

when he got home there was no girl, no dog, no burglars running out the back door, but there was mail, and messages on the phone machine, and within minutes there was a knock.

she looked like a girl bryn worked with.

cute as hell.

a look of mild boredom.

you're boring me, strange boy, she shot at him.

you're not boring me at all, hot chick who looks like that chick at work, bryn speed thought and held out his hand.

she placed a vhs copy of The Hours in his palm and he thought that's how i should get her number tomorrow

he signed her clip board

i will whisper in her ear

so she cant

see me smile

or hear my shaky voice.

and he flipped over the envelope

and saw the big yellow sticker

advertising

tomorrow.

buzz machine

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first off, big props to my man Chuck in the UK for the jennifer garner picture (pictured).

next i would like to thank the following people for getting the ball rolling with the Lets Get Tony A Damn Car deal.

1. Ken B.
2. Brian B.
3. Melissa C.

none of these fine people have web sites, blogs or online diaries that they would like to link off their names, but if you, kind reader, flow the busblog $10 or more then I will link to whatever blog you'd like.

today at work everyone is talking about Alias. Theyre also talking about the Jimmy Kimmel show last night that took place about a mile from my bachelor pad. Snoop Dogg was pretty awesome and George Cloony was a little edgy which is awesome.

yesterday my lawyer hosted a sweet party attended by many of my pals that included some of the finest foods imaginable, and more booze than i could drink.

afterwards i was dropped off by my beautiful exgirlfriend who inadvertantly took my camera that had all the pics from the afternoon.

so depending on when she drives her brand new used car back over to the eassssside i will have some nice pictures to share with all of you.

today im wincing because my dentist is trying to give me a shakedown.

everytime i go in there they make me wait and wait and then they tell me that something else is wrong and its going to cost me millions.

this is the same dentist that karisa uses and she only raves about this man, but i completely disagree, politely.

so if anyone has a good dentist in hollywood, please let me know because im sick of this guy.

karisa, by the way, spent the superbowl weekend in las vegas, her home away from home.

i, by the way, am bored out of my gourd and if ever i wish i was back in Hell it's today.

oh, thats right i am here.

sorta.

dirtyfez

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i have several best friends but the best friend i had this weekend was my ex girlfriend chris who totally cracks me up sometimes.

but lets not get into any of that.

one thing she did last night was come over to my house and make me watch the new episode of Alias.

one of the commercials earlier in the day had the lead character Jennifer Garner appear in lingerie.

i told Chris after watching the commercial that i would, indeed, join her in viewing the episode.

by the way, if any of my loyal readers has any screen shots of last night's program, please either email them to me at alias@tonypierce.com or leave a link in the comments section below.

anyhow, it was a good episode and chris and i held hands and drank and ate and enjoyed each others company a great deal despite me cracking some of the dumbest jokes of all time.

it was a pretty good weekend, overall.

chris bought a brand new, used car. an acura with 34k miles. its super clean and fast and looks great. and it made me totally want a car.

chris said it cost her $16k.

i was all, how will i get $16k.

she said, you have about 1,000 people a day come to your site. if you got $10 from 1,600 you could get a $16k car.

i pulled out my slide rule and what do you know, she was right.

so this is what we agreed on, there will be no fundraisers for the busblog this entire year except for this one. what i will do is start a new list of benefactors on the left hand column underneath the picture of anna. the first people to flow get their names on top and they stay there until someone flows more than $10. by the end of the year, whatever the total is is what i will spend on a car.

i can go another year without a car. but not much longer. im a grown man. a man needs a car.

so if you are a fan of the blog, bust out with your $10 and tell as many of your friends as you can. all we need is 1,600 people. thats not really that many if you think about it.

while you are donating, there is a box in the form where you can put in a message. if you want me to link your blog, i will be happy to. just let me know the url in the message box.

ive seen a lot of dumb things come true thanks to the Internet, this, i believe is dumb enough to work.

let's make this work, people.

who will be the first?

will it be you?

flow $10 to the busblog

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