i dont usually go to blogger panel discussion thingies, and if you wont be there you can see it via webcast here at 7:30pm PST. You must have Real Player to see and hear it.

Finaaly you will be able to see and hear from the Inventor of Blogger, Evan Marriot, or Evan something, who looks like Chris Isaak in his picture, maybe he sings pretty too.

Plus it will star the mighty Doc Searls who pulls the ladies much better than I do.

Plus it stars the inventor Boing Boing, Mr. Mark Frauenfelder who goes as far back as The Well.

Plus it stars the super foxy amazonian Reverse Cowgirl who hopefully has some black and white glossys that she will be signing with ruby red lipstick with sparkles of glitter.

and if that wasnt enough, it also stars my long lost lust the Rabbit, Heather H. who hopefully can break out of her shell and form an opinion about something... anything.

organized by xeni and beverly tang!

attended by vous?

blog panel LA in Chinatown!, tonight. One night only.

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got home late last night to a phone full of messages and generous invitations, and fortunately i Tivoed Survivor which is back to being one of my favorite shows.

you know it must be a good show if i am wanting to write about that other than talk about the invite i got to see mexican wrestling, midget strippers, and tijiuna strippers at the beautiful mayan theatre.

tonight karisa is throwing some sort of party + dinner thing, but i have a date with a tennis star. which brings up an interesting dimension of love. the kind i have for karisa.

very very rarely as i have grown olde have i found myself being "just friends" with hot babes.

i have tons of friends who i hardly ever get a chance to hang out with and even though getting new friends might be a good idea, it's hard to do if youre a hermit superhero who either spends his evenings on the computer or meeting single young ladies of southern california.

there just isnt usually a lot of time for platonic friendships with babes.

for some reason platonic friendships with dudes makes more sense cuz lots of times those sorts of friendships take place in strip clubs and ballparks and hunting and fishing trips: places babes usually dont like to hang out in.

but karisa is the exception to many rules and even though she and i dont sit around holding hands like i might do with chris or jeanine, and even though she and i dont go to gentlemen's clubs like i might do with some of my pals, we do find other things to do as we're making time with each other beyond the drinking and laughing and yabbering that we often do.

i love karisa in a very deep way and i hope to be a good friend of hers for a long time. shes a magical girl, constantly searching for fun, open to all possibilities unless youre a young man trying to get some action and youre 22 or younger.

speaking of nice fellas, my man adam flowed the bus blog ten smackers. thank you adam!

26. adam

i do all of this for you all, you know that dont you?

i go on dates with hot babes for you.

i end up making out with 19 year old girls for you.

i end up not going to Mexican Wrestling with sexy adult women so i can do some sweet ass undercover shit that will help out for some even sweeter overcover shit in the very near future - for you.

i even type type type in my blog during my lunch break when i should be sitting outside in the sun like a normal person, just so that you can be entertained and informed.

i do this out of love.

a funky weird love.

probably the same sort of love St. Valentine himself had a long time ago when he had a blog.

and i appreciate it when you appreciate it back.

happy heart day america!

leah

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happy valentine's day, tony

hi, anna, happy valentine's day to you! but since when do you like valentines day? i remember you saying that all valentines day was was an american greeting card day sham.

it is a greeting card sham, but im starting to appreciate the underlying theme more as i get older.

is that so? whats the underlying theme, you old bag?

the underlying theme is this is the day where we should celebrate love of all sorts, not just romantic/sexual/boyfriend+girlfriend love.

very interesting theory. pardon me for having a hard time believing it is from you. didnt you tell me last year that all valentines day is is for those who dont have any love in their lives to feel a whole bunch shittier about their lives, and for those who do have love in their life to be forced to spend way too much money on overpriced dinners and flowers that are going to die?

i can change my mind.

actually it sounds like youre no longer banging enrique.

im no longer "banging" anyone.

so is that the source of your new way of thinking?

maybe. whatever. leave me alone. you should be happy.

i am happy. i agree with you, by the way. i think that the idea of love should be celebrated at least once a year, if not more. love is a great emotion, a powerful stimulous, and pretty much the meaning of life. since days like Christmas are so bastardized and commercialized into not even meaning what they should mean, it's nice when theres one day where people can think about all the forms of love in their lives.

i love you, tony.

you do?

yes. of course i do.

where are you tonight?

malibu

what are you doing there?

getting my hair done.

what's the occasion?

valentine's day, silly.

do you have a date?

i dont know, do i?

anna kournikova, you sly fox.

i flew out here last night after i read that you didnt have a valentine.

flew out from where?

from miami. surprise!

im speechless.

i would have thought that you would be tied up with ashley or chris or clippergirl or someone.

i would have thought that you would be wining and dining with some super famous international studboy.

i am, you.

what do you want to do tonight?

i thought we could get a fire going, order some pizza and think about all the different forms of love there are in the world.

like how i feel about wrigley field, and tivo, and the internet, and free porn and music via peer-to-peer sharing?

i just picked up something at Vic's that you are going to fall in love with.

more than i love Kazaa?

part of it is leather, part of it has pink straps, part of it has zippers, and its all insanely tight.

youre killing me.

when i came out of the dressing room a man saw me and fell right over.

i told my boss i would work late tonight because i didnt think i had any plans.

i dont mind waiting

it happened one night is going to be on Turner Classics at 5pm.

i'll make sure it's being Tivoed.

you still have a key to my house?

i keep it very close to my heart.

youre so full of it, anna.

yes i am, but im coming over, so be ready.

raymi

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEANINE!!!

i love you soooooooooo!

jeanine goes to an art opening, jeanine's birthday 2002, when me and jeanine were involved, jeanine's birthday 2001, i heart jeanine, my favorite picture of jeanine.

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saw a job description for someone who "gets it" about the Internet.

i really want to apply for the job (it involves much more than I have revealed so far) but I'm not so sure that I really get it about the Internet.

I think the Internet is our savior.

seems to me that when people believed in it, the economy boomed, people were happy, i was getting laid with much more frequency, we were able to live in relative peace, we had a democrat leading the nation (sucessfully) (and her husband wasnt doing to bad either), and my hair was doing way better than ever.

sure some of it was hype, but a lot of it wasnt. and i really dont want to get into it much, but when this country wants to put its resources behind something, it is always a success.

so do i get it about the Internet?

not sure. i get it that people can make money on it if theyre selling smut. i think i get it about blogging. i totally get it about fantasy sports, buying tickets online, downloading music, and using online auctions.

but are people buying computers and signing up for broadband so that they can get their news online? no. but if it's there and it's good, will people go to it on the regular?

who knows.

i know that a lot of you come here on the regular, and for that im so appreciative you dont even know.

the sultry Reverse Cowgirl has some updates on the Blogger Panel dealio going on, including ways for you, yes, you, to see this thing on a Webcast.

thats right, if you are not lucky enough to be in Los Angeles this weekend, but you would like to see the all-star panel talk about the future of life as we know it, you need go no further than your very own computer.

Click here to find out the details!

In other news, i dont have a valentine.

:(

and the only girls who seem to have any interest in me are either total jailbait or barely legal.

the question is, is that bad news?

alecia

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two dancing girls from the academy knocked at my door last night at around 6:30pm, typically the time that i arrive home from the xbi.

when they got no answer they became concerned because all the top models and dancers there are madly in love with me and they knew they had a great movie that they wanted me to see, so they cell phoned my ass.

i picked up and told them that i was going to have dinner at my beautiful exgirlfriend's house in oh so posh santa monica.

they asked for the address and zoomed over in their matching miatas and arrived just as the chinese was being delivered from the always tasty Chung King. tasty but not spicy. chris and i ordered the cha cha chicken which was spicy last time but negative spicy this time.

regardless, the company was always wonderful, the shrimp fried rice no onions, wontons and diet sodas were marvelous.

and the movie, Rabbit Proof Fence, was mesmorizing and wonderful.

quite possibly the best film that ive seen all year.

one thing that i love about these academy screeners is that they dont come with boxes or pamphlets or propaganda or hype or nothing. it's just a black tape with a white label and the label only tells you the title of the film and how long its going to be.

exactly the way i love to watch movies.

perhaps others get the crap, but after a few years of getting these screeners, the good people know what i like and as quality professionals, they give the customer what they want. and i love that. and i watch the movie and have it where its supposed to be in the morning and i dont give anything away, so they love me.

plus im always happy to share a won ton or two with the ladies who like the hot mustard and/or sweet and sour dipping sauce.

Rabbit Proof Fence was amazing. did i tell you that? i learned about an Australia that i had never known about. a 20th century history lesson that we on this side of the globe are ignorant to.

it's told subtlely and without much judgement. the actors and actresses are better than you'd expect and the actors who have very few lines are at times better than those with many lines.

and it's beautiful. and peter gabriel's music is eno-esque moody and uplifting and helps shape the tone in a grade-a perfect way.

this is not a movie thats going to break any box office records, but it does show you that you can tell a story, a true story and do it in a way that doesnt have to beat you over the head for you to understand.

bravo, director of The Quiet American, bravo!

blechh.com

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last month in los angeles there wasnt a drop of rain. thats not normal for the wintertime in southern california no matter what you might hear on you oldies radio stations.

ive run across two sorts of attitudes about rain here in hollywood.

"wow, we really need this rain."

and then there's mine, "if i wanted rain i would move to seattle."

LA is an arid desert. we get our drinking water from northern cal. when i was in santa barbara they built a desalinization plant to turn the sea water into drinking water. it cost a bunch of money but so what? what good is being the richest country in the world if all youre going to do is build billion dollar stealth bombers?

i wouldnt mind the rain so much if it didnt fuck up how the subway runs. we've gone over this. still somehow despite the fact that the subway is a mile beneath the ground, the shit always gets fucked up when it rains.

people typically look glum in the morning on the subway, but get them all wet and have a bus speed by soaking them with a good splash from a cold puddle and you have a gloomy few cars of wet drippy souls.

normally half the train is asleep as they rollick beneath this fair city, but this morning nobody could sleep because everyone was wet and cold and cranky and pissed off that they were poor and doomed to the depths.

things werent any better above ground. somehow drivers in la think that rain provides a liquid safety buffer and on mornings like these people speed and splash and spiral and smash into each other.

all of them.

im pretty sure i heard on the radio this morning that every car on the 405 freeway got into an accident at 7:30am, and the 10 was even worse.

the 720 dropped me off at la brea and i had to run two blocks in the rain with one shoelace untied to catch the 21 santa monica. it could be considered pathetic to some, but not to me because i caught that motherfucker.

what was pathetic was the bum that i ended up sitting across from me.

at least he wasnt foolish enough to pass up the dude at wilshire and western who was selling umbrellas for $5 a pop.

last night an eighteen year old girl sent me an email inviting me over to her house in the good part of town to watch porn with her.

shit like that will bring an extra skip to your sprint in the early morn.

the photobloggies

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i havent had sex in weeks. how to people live like this?

for fashion week sean john asked me to do something different. i said, diddy, everyone knows that fashion, just like fucking, is all attitude. you present it right and you could do a whole line made from burlap bags. he must have been digging into the right bag because this morning i got an email that included the picture on the right with a long message that said that any time i wanted to stop this dream of writing that i could work for him making fashions.

beware the burlap revolution, the subject header read.

any time i try to screen a film after 11pm i am bound to fall asleep because im a crankity old man trapped in a crankity old lesbian's body.

so last night when i finally got around to popping in "about schmidt" i knew that the film was in deep trouble because its audience was going to pass out any minute since the clock had struck twelve nearly an hour ago.

how good is the film? besides being an incredibly subtle feature, it kept this reviewer awake until nearly two am.

i will finish the rest of it tonight. after the osbournes.

my maid finally showed up. early this morning. too early. do you like knowing about my real life? i dont. normally i get out of the house around 8:15am. she told me that she would arrive around 8am and i was hoping it was on the later side of around instead of the earlier.

but because she and her sexy step daughter know that they have a tough mountain to climb each time they venture into my stanky lair they do themselves the favor of showing up as early as they can.

now i am not a rich man. far from it. but i am messy. messier now that ive returned from hell. but i like to take what the universe gives me. sometimes. and while i was talking to my 90 year old land lady last year she said that she had an au pair who only made minimum wage.

i said that doesnt seem possible. she said i pay her minimum wage, tony.

i said, i would pay her twice minimum wage to clean my house and she doesnt even have to bathe me.

the old lady laughed, then stopped laughing, quickly.

the first few times she cleaned my house i didnt even meet her. i arranged everything via the phone, the old lady had my key, i left a check on a table, and when i arrived home i was greeted with a sparkling new home and the aroma of orange scented pine sol.

all of my dishes were clean.

the bathtubs and toilets were happy and white.

the sculptures were polished.

and the love swing had been repaired.

i had given her a ten dollar pre-tip.

isnt it strange how ten dollars can change everything?

some guy yesterday said that i had invented a new form of blogging.

lots of people, actually, have said that over the years, and every time it makes me happy.

except for today.

he said that i had invented blegging.

dude, this is just an art project.

an entry in the science fair.

performance art at the talent show.

competetive magic.

here i have a top hat, empty.

and as you can see, i have nothing up my sleeve.

and if i can type the correct keystrokes on a keyboard

could there appear a brand new car?

of course.

of course theres 1,500 people who could end up clicking that silly picture of anna kournikova and flowing ten measly dollars.

with 1,000 people cruising by every day, theres no reason why some of them wouldnt want to join in on the fun, the cheap thrill of it all, simply because some fool asked.

blegging.

how dare you.

theres no desperation here.

life will go on fine with or without this double dare coming to fruition.

but i would rather take part in something fantastic, as opposed to just another failure

regardless, no one should feel any pressure, or guilt or anything bad.

if you just want to watch it happen, be my guest.

sometimes it is fun to just watch for a little while.

tabsco guy gave me a buck today.

thank you tabasco guy!

moxie

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i dont usually go to blogger panel discussion thingies, but this one is in Chinatown, and you cant beat that.

Plus it will star the Inventor of Blogger, Evan Dando, or Evan something, who looks like kd lang in his picture, maybe he sings pretty too.

Plus it will star the mighty Doc Searls who pulls the ladies much better than I do.

Plus it stars the inventor Boing Boing, Mr. Mark Frauenfelder which kicks ass.

Plus it stars the super foxy amazonian Reverse Cowgirl who hopefully has some black and white glossys that she will be signing with ruby red lipstick with sparkles of glitter.

and if that wasnt enough, it also stars my long lost lust the Rabbit, Heather H. who hopefully can break out of her shell and form an opinion about something... anything.

organized by xeni and beverly tang!

attended by vous?

blog panel LA in Chinatown!

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michael jackson should have just made the damn interview himself. edited it right there at neverland, use more of his music, had his lawyers look at it first.

and he should have gotten me to interview him.

it was so obvious that he knew what he was going to reveal about his plastic surgery and his house and his spending habits and his childhood and about his sex life as a teen.

and why on earth would you go to the british press who arent really known for paiting a pretty picture of their subjects, jacko?

they stopped the train this morning because some guy barfed on his seat.

the driver mumbled something into the microphone and then said that he was going to shut the doors so they could isolate the problem, and then he shut the doors.

it was eight thirty in the morning.

we sat in the subway station on the subway with the doors closed for what seemed like a half hour.

trust me when i tell you that the xbi isnt exactly thrilled with the idea of one of their employees who was given a flying car riding a subway train and two busses to work.

late is late and theres no excuse for it.

sir, a man vomited in a subway car near santa monica and vermont and the conductor stopped the train for twenty minutes and thats why im late.

my bosses boss just calls me hippie.

hows your hippie? he'll ask my boss in front of me.

i have a million comebacks, but i have to swallow them until a million people flow me ten bucks

and since chopper one costs a half billion i know hes right when the old dude says im lucky to even touch her.

ive watched every episode of joe millionaire and even though he was a total idiot, i was still able to enjoy the show completely.

between the bondage blowjob chick who knows how to order wine, and the virginial esp girl, i liked the sweet girl the most.

i think joe does too.

earlier karisa had me change to fear factor, where couples where competing. the dude had to dip his head into a heart shaped tin of giant roaches take as many as he could in his mouth and pass it to his girl via a kiss and then she took the roaches and put them in a jar with her mouth.

network prime time television.

eight pm.

now, please explain to me why we can show that and not titties?

or say fuck?

if fox wanted to really make a lot of money, they would have a special where a famous guy will say fuck at the end of the show.

it would be the first time that millions of people have heard that word on national tv.

call it Who Wants to Hear the F-Word?

but just like Joe Millionaire, this show would have a suprise, because a famous guy isnt going to say the word fuck at the end of the show, after all.

whats going to happen is, after a half hour you will hear one famous and non-famous person after another say the word fuck in different settings, different accents, different intonations and with different results.

the best result is, of course, that the world wouldnt have exploded, children didnt suddenly grow fangs and attack us, and millions of dollars would have been made for the broadcasting company.

edit it properly and you can call it art.

florence henderson, betty white, rupaul, barbara walters, serena williams, jenna jameson, shirley temple black, aretha franklin, madonna, hillary clinton, courntney love, willie nelson, weezer, kurt vonnegut jr., michael jackson, f.lee bailey, oj simpson, gary coleman, pat sajeck, mike tyson, and elvis costello would deliver some of the best performances, i would imagine.

and it wouldnt cost much money.

and it could get done fast.

and you could give half the money to some good cause.

thats how you get the stars.

madonna, will you say fuck for the united negro college fund?

i fell asleep listening to animals last night.

i havent done that since college.

off wing opinion

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of my mind's many mistresses, raymi is queen
there is nothing about this girl that im not in love with.
just look at her.
if she was my girl i would do anything for her.
id work at a gas station again, be a millionaire, stop doing drugs.
cut my hair
so many good things happened today and still i was paying attention to the bad, and i was just done being the bad.
sometimes the devil voice in your brain isnt just saying "you'll never make it, youre not enough."
it's throwing its voice, pretending it's your boss repeating and repeating something not great, or pretending it's you repeating super bad things that you've thought.
then i talked to karisa who just got back from vegas living the life of a superstar. she told me that she saw mamma mia and played craps at the hard rock but ate the biggest shrimp she'd ever seen at the palms and after an hour i felt one hundred per cent better.
then clipper girl came over to drop off some of her magic cookies, but had to run so she kissed me on the forehead and zoomed away in her chevrolet.
and i ate the cookies and felt another one hundred per cent better.
then this not attractive woman at all knocked on my door with an academy screener of about schmidt.
and she was not nice to me.
and she mumbled something mean about my apartment to which i said, its not my fault, my maid didnt come.
shes coming tomorrow though.
kobe bryant totally missed a free throw at the all star game, which isnt as easy as it seems.
he missed it cuz he wanted the all star game to go into double overtime so everyone could play basketball a little longer with michael jordan.
michael gave the sweetest smile when kobe hit the free throw that went in.


raymi

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we have lift off

somebody sent me one hundred and ten dollars

25. chris s.
(not my old girlfriend)

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anna has been rehabbing and has been out of touch but it's okay because the carrier pigeons send me sweet little notes from her, and i attach pez dispensers to them and send em back on their way.

the last one was a wonder woman one and she liked it very much. so much so that she sent me a naughty little picture of herself along with a tiny lil note that said

what are you doing for valentines day?

i wrote back, "im gonna eat some ecstasy and let you molest me."

she sent back a pigeon with two capsules of x and a locket with her name engraved on it.

for some reason i always take a whiff of the pigeon to see if she squirted a little of her delicious perfume on them, but she never does and the pigeons always look at me a little cockeyed and try to poop on my hand.

anna has been nursing a sore back. her pal martina hingis retired last week at the ripe old age of 22 and on one hand i would love it if anna quit too because i would get to spend more time with her, but on the other hand i would really like to see her win a tourney before she hangs the adidas up for good.

my weekend was spent pretty much blowing my gnose into toilet paper. right now my cleaning lady is putting a deep scrub on everything. i did my best to rid her of nasty kleenexes and empty soup cans.

i did enjoy the all-star game last night. especially when mariah nearly made mj cry because she sings so wonderfully.

i know a lot of people talk shit about her, but whatever. no matter whats going on in her life, the one thing that matters is that mariah's a great singer.

which is exactly why i have her poster facing my bed.

which i will probably have to take down, temporarily, if anna really does come over on valentines day.

hopefully i wont just pass out as soon as i eat it, which is what happened last time, only to be woken up by her slamming the door knocking over the x-rated polaroids she left behind of her in lingerie with a post-it that said, "this is what you missed, old man."

trust me, i know what i missed.

i am feeling better today, if you're scoring at home.

and if you're scoring at home, remember not to be selfish.

scott rosenberg

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