i pulled my back doing the dumbest thing. i had brought the houseplants onto the stoop to let them have some sun and water, then right before clippergirl was about to arrive, i tried to one-handedly lift a big pot of ferns and snap there goes the back.

when she arrived i was laid out on the couch all twisted like madonna on the cover of vanity fair.

she said shes never kissed a man as old as me and i told her it wasnt her kisses i needed, it was some deep tissue massage, which of course she had to say something dirty in return.

cheerleaders should have their own channel.

i firmly believe that.

right now we have the lets blow shit up channel every other click. in the morning you'd have cheerleader cartoons. one main cheerleader and her cheerleader friends would give tips on how to stretch and meditate and then they'd show cartoons till noon.

then you have the midday news.

two cheerleaders tell you the news while they make a delicious and nutritious lunch.

then there would be an hour of gilligan's island.

then there would be my favorite show, Cheer Talk.

whenever i watch the nfl cheerleader video calendars on espn, all they ever talk about is how smart all these women are. and i believe them.

so lets have a nice roundtable talk show of four or five cheerleaders in their outfits talking about current events like the mclaughlin group, except have a live studio audience that asks questions of the ladies.

only women would be allowed in the audience, i almost forgot.

the show would be two hours long, then there would be an hour of CHIPS followed by What's Happening and Fish.

Then there would be a two hour newscast, sometimes entirely in a foreign language for the kids.

This shit practically programs itself.

There would be live auctions, friday night concerts, music video shows, pro beach volleyball, and consumer reports programs, all hosted by college and pro cheerleaders.

I told my ideas to clipper girl as she massaged me and after about an hour i felt so much better that i couldnt believe it, so i flipped her over and returned the favor.

till i got tired.

kate sullivan + bored housewife + the ward + the oakland sun reporting on the sf peace rally

# | |

i could put half naked chicks on this shit like every damn day. but you don't want that, and im only doing it now to protest the war.

people ask me why im protesting the war.

probably the same reason all the others are protesting it.

cuz wars bad. cuz i don't trust bush. cuz i don't believe this isnt about oil and power.

im supposed to be for this war cuz saddam and his sons are rapists. one out of three american women get raped in america. who the fuck is america to get righteous about rape?

im supposed to be for this war because we want to instill a democracy for the good people of iraq. oh, you mean the sort of democracy like the one that "elected" our president? the sort of democracy that doesnt let people dying of cancer smoke weed even though the people of the state said it was fine? the sort of democracy that was just completely bypassed by this illegal and immoral massacre and invasion being shown on my tv?

keep eating your freedom fries.

some freedom. im free to watch all these dudes with guns and bombs and destroying things all day and all night, but im not free to see boobies on tv, or hear the word fuck on the radio.

hasn't hbo shown us that removing the restrictions can not only liberate, but add to the quality?

only restrictions our president is interested in removing is anything that hold him back from blowing shit up.

freedom fries.

shock and awe.

the last time i was shocked id rather not discuss. but im in awe all the damn time. usually from the coolness of people.

i think there are two negotiators on the planet that could have stopped this war.

i just don't think that we wanted to stop this war.

we being the bush administration.

if i was in the bush administration right now i would have a tshirt that said bullshit on it.

i think im also against the war because im a Christian minister and since our messiah was a man of peace and had plenty of reasons to blow any number of people away violently, he didnt. and guess what, not everything got worked out either. shit's still not worked out. how much of your shit is worked out?

i am for this war because i look forward to the bush administration showing just as much attention to all the other portions of the world where there are tyrannical leaders, human rights tragedies, and oil rich nations that were also deeply involved in 9/11.

i am looking forward to the bush administrations being just as courageous in dealing with these global terrors.

that would shock me.

which is why you're forced to see babes all over these pages.

anyhow, i love you all and i hope you have a nice weekend.

xoxoxo
tony

screaming into the wind + vihm + splink

# | |

anna hasnt played tennis since she lost in australia in january.

yesterday she lost in straight sets 6-1, 6-4 to fellow Russian Dinara Safina at the Nasdaq-100 Open in Miami.

after the tournament there was the typical press conference. and in order to protest the war, the busblog will now reprint the entire interview for your pleasure and not make up a word.

THE MODERATOR: Questions for Anna, please.

Q. It's always disappointing to lose in straight sets. How much harder is it for you to lose here and not play quite so well in what's, in effect, your home tournament?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Well, first of all, you know, it was a tough match. Obviously, I haven't played in a long time. That was probably the main reason why it was so difficult for me to play today. I haven't played since the Australian Open, and it was kind of tough. I was pretty nervous going back on the court and playing a first match in such a long time. I didn't really know what to expect, you know. But at the same time, I've been working really hard. So at the end of -- towards the end of the match, I really kind of got into it and everything, but it was a little too late. Otherwise, it was kind of fun playing home and in front of such a great crowd. I think we had a great crowd tonight. It was just more of a confidence thing that I haven't played for a long time.

Q. You started the second set very strongly. Was it a case of not being able to keep up with momentum?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: I'm sorry, was it the case of?

Q. Was it a case of you not being able to keep up with momentum?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Yeah, just like I said, once you haven't played for a while, I haven't played for almost two months, matches, and it's very difficult. It was very difficult for me to keep the concentration for a long period of time, so it kind of was coming and going. I guess I lost my concentration after 3-0. That's, again, a lot of -- you need match practice in order to do that.

Q. You seemed particularly frustrated at the moment with your serve, it seemed the same in Australia. When you held serve, you seemed to be saying, "Come on, you can do it."

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: What was I supposed to say? In the first set, I was kind of feeling uncomfortable and unconfident. But, you know, once, like I said, once I got into the match, it was fine in the second set.

Q. I mean, you talked in Australia that you were serving so much better away from the court. On the court, it wasn't quite happening?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Away from the court?

Q. In your practice session.

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Yeah, it's the same case again. Same case.

Q. Is it a case of it looks like you're working on it?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Yeah, like I said, like in the beginning, I was pretty nervous and unconfident playing the first match in such a long time. You know, I wasn't feeling very comfortable out there. So no matter how well-prepared you are, if you are not feeling comfortable in the court, you know, you can't really control or do much. So that was the case today.

Q. How do you feel you're hitting the ball?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: I think, you know, I mean, I'm physically in great shape. I've been working really hard, you know. But it's very hard to do anything, you know, if you don't have the confidence. But I think I was hitting -- I mean I hit some great shots and everything. And in general, I think that I'm hitting the ball pretty well, but... That doesn't matter, does it?

Q. How do you go about getting that confidence back?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Playing a million matches, playing a million tournaments, just like I did last year. You know, I lost five or six first rounds, and then once I won a couple of matches, I was playing really well, like, you know, at the end of the summer in California and everything. So just it's all match practice, because it's very different just practicing and actually playing tournaments. It's very, very different.

Q. Why do you think you've had injuries over the past - I don't know how long it is exactly? What's been the reason for it? Is there an explanation?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: I mean, it's tough to say, you know it's one thing or the other. I've been playing tennis since I'm five.

Q. Is that an important reason?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: I mean, probably. But all athletes go through that. Some get it more and some get it less. I'm not saying it's luck or anything, but it's just certain circumstances and certain things, you know. As you get older, as I get older, I know more and I do more things for prevention and stuff.

Q. What do you do?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Work out. I don't know, all kinds of things, prevention and just... In general. Nothing rocket scientist, like simple things.

Q. Do you do more stretching, schedule more carefully?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: All of those things you've got to take into consideration.

Q. If you get all of that right...

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: I'm sorry?

Q. I said, if you get all of that right, and you get a long injury-free period, what do you think you're capable of achieving?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Well, I think, you know, first of all, I really want to have fun when I'm on the court and enjoy playing and, you know, that's what my main goal is right now, is, you know, just getting back and really doing it for me and really having fun. But in terms of rankings and everything, of course I want to get back to where I was before, you know, I started getting injured. I think that I'm capable of doing that. I mean, I'm sure it's going to take a lot of time, it's not going to happen overnight. But I'm still 21. Some people get there earlier, some people get there later, different times, different ages. So I have plenty of time. I have nowhere to rush, you know?

Q. Did you have fun tonight? Did you enjoy it? Was it one of those things to get through?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: No, like I say, I was really excited before the match. I mean, I was really kind of nervous and everything after not playing for a long time. But I was really excited to play because I've been working so hard. So I really wanted to get on the court already. In the beginning of the set, I was really weird. I didn't really feel much. But in the second set, I started to really kind of get into the match and adrenaline going and stuff like that, and the crowd got into the match. It was fun in the second set, definitely.

Q. You obviously hit the ball like somebody who has been in the Top 10, you strike the ball incredibly well. But you take a lot of criticism for some of the losses that you've had.

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Some of the what?

Q. Losses. You take a lot of criticism. Does that criticism hurt? Is it something you're able to -- how do you react to that?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Yes and no. It's hard to say. I really try not to think about it, you know. At the end of the day, I can't change what other people think and all I can do is go and play. You know, that's what I should really be focusing on, is just doing my thing, practicing and playing and then, you know, if I do well, there will be less criticism. There will be criticism of something else. But, you know, at the end of the day, I can't really do anything with it. There's going to be one thing or another, so it's your job, guys, right?

Q. How does your motivation compare now with, say, when you were 18 or 17?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: It's very different. You know, when you're younger, I was kind of, not stupid, but it's like you're just out there, you just play and you don't really think much, kind of just this is what you're supposed to do and that's it. You don't really think twice about it. But as I got older, it was like, you know, "Why am I here? Do I really want to do this?" Or stuff like that. You just kind of start to think more in general, and I don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing. Maybe it's better to be simple. But you just start to think more, and maybe that gets in the way sometimes. But, you know, the motivation I have right now is I love the game, I really want to play, and I want to enjoy it, like I said. I really, you know, just want to go and see what I can do. That's the motivation that I have.

Q. So you think more. Is that off the court or on the court?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Everything. It's just my head is like... I don't know. Weird.

Q. Have there been times when you've really doubted whether you really want to do this?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Not doubted. Just like trying to figure out what reasons, you know, what just kind of -- like I had said, from being so -- always simple and kind of just doing it without knowing, you know, when you're young, you just -- that's what I was kind of born to do, you know, since five. So it's like once you start to get a choice, you kind of, like, think about it.

Q. When you get the chance, obviously, Dinara is 16, do you look over and think, "Wow, that's how it used to be, I'd go out there and hit the ball"?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: I think she was pretty nervous, too. She wasn't very -- she's a great girl. She's very smart, you know. I think she was pretty nervous, too. But I really tried to block it out, who I'm playing. It was -- yeah, of course it matters who I was playing against, but today was more about how I would do because it wouldn't really matter who I was playing, you know, if I'm playing bad or good. So I was just trying to focus on my game today and try not to think about the opponent.

Q. How well do you know her?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Oh, I know her very well. I remember she was two years old and, you know, sleeping by the courts and everything, so...

Q. Does that make it any easier or any more difficult, playing her?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: I really didn't think about it, you know. I get along great with her and her mom especially. I really kind of didn't think about it.

Q. How good can she be?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: I think she, you know, for a big girl, she moves really well. She definitely uses her height for, you know, she has a good serve and everything. So she could be great.

Q. During the time you weren't playing, do you have any more time to read what's written about you in the papers? I mean, the story about your divorce came out a few weeks ago. Do you pay anymore attention to that sort of thing when you're not playing?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Not really. I mean, yeah, I watch TV about the war and stuff, but I don't really read tabloids or stuff like that, not really. I don't read about myself, no.

Q. The story about the divorce, was that any kind of distraction for you at all, preparing for this tournament?

ANNA KOURNIKOVA: Well, you know, I've always -- I mean, if people want to go and talk about their private and personal lives, that's their choice. I've always said that it's not something that I want to get into and it's not something that I want to talk about, my personal and private life, you know? I understand that it's your job to write and everything, but, you know, I don't want to make it difficult for anybody, but it's just I really don't want to talk about it. That's the way it is. But it didn't really distract me. I really didn't pay attention to it.

doc searls + instapundit + jeff jarvis + soundbitten + where is raed? + trueboy

# | |

as some of you might know, i was flown to the white house the other night to play scrabble.

well, i lost.

and part of my agreement was that i would make a pro-war photo essay for the president.

i tried to explain to them that even though i agreed with them, that i was, indeed, a creative genius, i wasnt a magician. and i couldnt bust with a kickass photo essay on a topic that i didnt agree with.

i tried to tell them that even though i lost the scrabble tournament fair and square, that didnt mean that the commisioned photo essay would be any good.

they didnt want to hear my excuses, so i was allowed into a very nice room that had a big flat screen monitor and an incredibly powerful computer.

i paced around the room for a few minutes and then asked for a few bottles of mickey's beer, several shots of jagermeister, and a nerf hoop and a nerf basketball.

the creative process is a mysterious animal, i whispered as i collected my things.

i downloaded some jay-z

and before i knew it, i had started my photo essay for the president.

before i was done i heard a knock at the door.

i didnt recognize the person but they asked to see my work. i told them i wasnt finished. they waved me away from the computer, clicked through, and assured me that yes, indeed, i was finished, and i could fly back home to hollywood.

later i got a very angry phone call that ended with, you will never play scrabble at the white house again!

win some lose some i suppose, anyhow, this is photo essay that was rejected the other night. i promise i'll do better next time.

bounce wit me

# | |

frisco, i love you. i know i talk shit about you, but you know im just giving you a hard time.

a thousand people arrested today for protesting this so-called war? God bless you.

you laid in the streets, you stopped traffic, you kicked over newspaper stands, painted your faces, held high clever signs, and put the hitler moustashe on pictures of our president.

you are america, and i love you.

i woke up this morning and laid in bed and turned the dial and all there is on the radio these days are right wing white men who barf out the same old crap.

one guy called in and said he was in the costco in the valley yesterday. he said that when it was announced on the PA in costco that the war had broke out lots of people booed.

the radio guy said that those were bad americans.

no, adolf, those people were good americans.

bad americans keep their mouths shut. bad americans let their presidents break the law, bypass the constitution, the un, and common sense for their own agendas.

good americans raise their fists next to the two-gallon mayonaise and excersize their freedom of speech.

bad americans send teens to a desert to kill at will.

frisco you epitomized today what makes this nation great and i will never forget you for it.

i dont care that your streets smell of piss, i dont care how much it costs to cross the golden gate bridge, i dont care that most of my friends couldnt afford to live there any more.

i care that on any given day you are the most enlightened city on the globe, and today you validated what everyone already knew.

thank you.

and thank you for letting the cubs have dusty baker.

protest pics + sf gate pix + sf vomit-in

# | |

Good Day,

Thank you for shopping with Outpost.com. As a safeguard to protect the security of your account information, we request that you fax, or email, a copy of a Driver's License, Passport, or National ID card (Cedula de Identidad). You may fax it to Fax: 860-927-8605 or email a scan to review@outpost.com .

Please write the order number on the document you send us. Please include satisfactory documentation that your name is associated with the credit card number that
you provide (such as a billing statement or scan of the actual card) for your order.

Regards,
Review Department
Review@outpost.com
Fax: 860-927-8605

to protest the war, im not going to put up with any more bullshit nonsense from the archaiac minds of Fry's Electronics, who held the hands of my favorite online source for electronics and gang raped her while sullying her good name with idiocy like what we are forced to read above.

in all of my days, i have never had to scan my fucking credit card and then send it to a merchant.

nor have i ever been asked to FAX a copy of my passport!

FAX?

fuck you, fry's electronics. we are talking about a $399 digital camera. specifically one i should have had in my hot little hands early this morning.

dont send me an email with the sole word "Review" as the sender. do you have any idea how much email i get a day? and do you have any clue how much of it is worthless spam?

no, of course you dont, because FAX is still in your limited vocabulary.

fry's i hope all of your stores burn down in the middle of the night and your fire insurance has lapsed.

you give a bad name to ultra low priced shady gray market electronics sales.

you undercut your commisioned salespeople from a web site that they cant price match and then you demand that the customer sends proof that they are who they say they are. who the fuck are you?

name me one other successful, legitamite ecommerce site that asks for a passport for a $400 purchase?

im going to go to bel air cameras in westwood.

im going to buy the tiny little trendy camera that everyone else buys and takes great pictures with. i will buy the warrantee and the extra memory and the carry case and lens filters and anything else that they want to sell me.

i am a consumer and i wanted what i wanted and gave you all my info and you dropped the ball by asking for more in a ridiculous way.

FAX?

i know you are related to Ticketmaster in some way and when i find out how i will tell the world.

you are evil and i hope you come down with a terrible flu and you cant sleep at night.

i hope your children wont stop fighting while you try to read.

i hope your dog barks at the shadows in the alley.

i hope your fax machines catch fire and 60 minutes does twenty minutes on your ass.

you make circuit city seem like a pool party at hefs house.

i hope you get stuck in traffic.

fan checks + funny commercial + mc browns pix of last night

# | |

dear alabama,

to protest the war i drank like crazy last night.

took my first shower in days, karisa picked me up in her hummer, and we off roaded it west to beverly hills to suck down free booze in the bacardi room of le meridian thanks to the la press club which is hereby my favorite club.

like several other women that i met last night, karisa isnt crazy about rum. but it was the bacardi room, they had lots of varieties, but it was all rum.

luckilly i had snuck in a flask of jd and kept her glass filled.

even though rum is my pleasure, i began by asking the bartender for a recommendation. he took a minute and then poured me a generous shot of vanila rum over ice and then topped off the short glass with ginger ale, finalized it by squeezing in a slice of lime and poking in a glow in the dark straw.

delicious.

the slight aftertaste of vanilla splashes at you like a wave of satisfaction.

but the only way to truly judge a good rum is to drink it straight, especially when its being poured free in a clockwork orange lounge of intellectuals and party crashers, where the theme, strangely, was orange, replete with tall vases filled with circus peanuts, sparkling cavair bowls of orange m&ms, and short but mascaraed carrottop, so the choice became obvious to choose a double of the orange rum.

which of course tasted like cough medicine.

ninety nine cent store cough medicine.

but i drank it all. im a good guest. and i even tipped the bartender each round. we all did.

karisa and i split up and said hi to all the nice people. some we knew, like mc brown who told us about his loft being featured in the ultra hip magazine dwell, moxie who modeled a pair of the best fitting suede pants ive ever seen on such a skinny girl.

at this point i must digress. please forgive me.

single men of los angeles.

moxie is very very hot. she has a great apartment. she drives a porsche. remember when we discussed the sexiness of black glasses on pretty girls? moxies were square and thick. with her skin being so pale the entire effect is incredibly glamorous. photos cannot capture any of this.

she was just one of the beautiful and interesting local single women drinking and laughing at this event. and they all dressed so good.

it's always troublesome to decide what to wear when attending a club event at a five star hotel in beverly hills famous for being the very one where in nineteen ninety four courtney love was allegedly shooting up in when she heard the news that there was a body of a young man found in her seattle home.

karisa chose to wear a tight red rock n roll shirt with small lettering made even more difficult due to her long hair. but if you stared long enough, you'd get it.

she and i play the funnest games.

after all the drinking she busted with the old favorite look at me look at me.

she knows how i feel about lip gloss and while she drove us to the formosa she slow mo applied several layers and told me every detail about it.

it feels sooooo good tony.

its called cotton candy.

we were gonna eat with all our friends but suddenly we wanted chinese, immediately.

spicy mongolian beef, not so spicy kung pow chicken, and pork fried rice with a mischeivous amount of nutmeg! and pineapple cubes.

we indulged, washed down with an apple martini for her, and a shot of plain olde bacardi for me.

to bacardi, we toasted in the dark booth of the very back of the formosa while watching one after another of hollywoods elite stand in line for the valet to retrieve their bad ass rides from the night.

moxie

# | |

to protest the war i will not blog about the war.

to protest the war, i will post pictures of models in bikinis and lingerie like never before.

to protest the war, i will be twice as nice to my friends.

to protest the war, i will write at least four entries a day, starting tomorrow.

to protest the war, i will update my main page (tonypierce.com) more often.

to protest the war, i will eat more vegetables.

to protest the war, i will read the Bible every day.

to protest the war, i will never vote Republican again, unless they legalize weed.

to protest the war, i will start linking people who dont even know who i am.

to protest the war, i will drink more.

to protest the war, i will download one cd a day and burn it for my mom.

to protest the war, i will tell more of the truth about my life in here. actually, no i wont.

to protest the war, i wont be as funny as i could be.

to protest the war, i will do more photo essays.

to protest the war, i will not lie on my taxes.

to protest the war, i will kiss more pretty girls.

to protest the war, i will dress beter.

to protest the war, i will drink even more rum.

to protest the war, i will say more snide things about the stupid people in the world, especially those who lead the world.

to protest the war i will end this abruptly.

# | |

yes i have baseball fever. im not ashamed.

im excited to see the youngsters like karim garcia, aubrey huff, danys baez, and cub rookie carlos zambrano.

im chomping at the bit to see the likes of the japanese import hideki matsui who is expected to bat in the 3-, 4-, or 5-hole in the bronx bombers lineup. never played a lick of major league ball and he might hit clean up in his rookie year.

i cant wait to see if ishii can have another hot start.

im betting chan ho will have a great comeback.

im also betting that if i talk too much baseball in here i will bore you all, so lets talk about what is getting me out of the house today.

very little can pry me from my couch, but tonight i will drink free rum sponsored by bacardi at a fancy hotel in beverly hills with my dear pal karisa thanks to a generous offer from emmanuelle and cathy seipp.

mmmm free rum.

last night i wasnt even going to have to leave the house to spend some quality time with a super cool girl, who proved her super coolness by giving me a raincheck so i could continue my quest of boring myself to death during this vacation.

the goal is to have so much fun by doing absolutely nothing, that by the time monday rolls around, i will be looking forward to waking up at the crack of dawn to climb back into chopper one to take on the dirtiest job in tinsel town: patrolling the mean streets of hollywood by air.

the purpose of tonight's shindig is a pre-Oscar party.

pre-Oscar parties in hollywood are everywhere here, but this one will probably be the best one since the rum will be free.

did i mention free?

raymi wrote me an email today and my heart fluttered. im so in lust with that girl.

if i was a nineteen year old topless canadian girl, i would be just like her.

is there anything wrong with her?

sadly, no.

i might have been hallucinating, but i was under the impression that she was going to come to la on her way to mexico to buy prescription drugs and marry me. what happened with that plan?

i need to take a shower now and prepare to get drunk in front of some of the most powerful and well dressed of southern california's press corps.

today my toughest decision will be in a few minutes when i chose a cd to play to crank in the bathroom.

will it be The Donna's Turn 21?

Jon Spencer Now I Got Worry?

Weezer's Green Album?

or the Best of the Boredoms?

If only I could find my Killdozer mix cd.

emmanuelle + saddam photoshop contest

# | |

woke up at ten thirty with a cheerleader with laryngitis. last night it was cute cuz i kept on trying to make her talk.

oh shit, where are the bandaids!

shed point and croak out something and we'd laugh.

this girl loves wilco so we were listening to that all night.

she hadn't seen the hours so i started it over and watched it again, all the way through this time.

turned out i had watched all but 15 minutes of it before i stopped it the other night.

we drank wine and when wilco was over she pulled out an anthology of tennyson and pointed, so i read outloud to her.

he knew what he was doing, that guy

that's all i gotta say.

the kids write in all the time with questions of all sorts

find a good kisser, kids.

in baseball they say you have to build from the middle: catcher, shortstop, second baseman, center fielder.

they also talk about the fundamentals.

quality kissing can make up for an awful lot

if given the choice between going out with a girl who has no money but a magical kiss, and a filthy rich girl who couldn't kiss, i would say that the choice is easy.

the cheerleader whispered that she would spend the night with the rich girl and run home in the morning and kiss the poor girl.

and then we played grand theft auto two

she tried to distract me with an impromptu fashion show, a tactic that wouldn't have been allowed under international play because on many levels it really is cheating. especially since it works every damn time.

alabama whoorley + megastir

# | |

i said i want two cases of bottled water, 50 boxes of nitrous, a case of hershey bars, 600 green m&m's, and three cots for my boys.

the president said that there are plenty of beds in the white house and i said that cots would be fine.

and just like that it was agreed, i would fly to washington dc to play twelve games of scrabble against twelve members of the white house staff.

if i won, i wouldn't have to pay taxes this year and queen latifah would win the oscar for best supporting actress.

if i lost, i would have to do a pro-war photo essay for the president.

at first it was just supposed to be me playing scrabble against the president but that was overruled immediately by his advisors.

apparently my literature degree from uc isla vista intimidated all those yalies.

i complained that i was on vacation and i didn't want to fly anywhere and i didn't want to do anything, that all i wanted to do was laze about my beach house, sipping wine, and alphabetize my adult film collection.

then like a fool i added that i had to do my taxes.

to which they asked me if it wouldn't be worth one quick flight across the country and maybe i might not have to "worry" about taxes this year.

when they suggested playing scrabble i thought that i should have asked for one of those flat plasma tv's earlier cuz i could sure use one a them.

but since they wouldn't let me continue to negotiate the purse, i went back to the demands of my rider.

and i only want to see Black people at the white house. as many as you've got.

and i want the pool to be like 95 degrees, and i want ac/dc playing on the stereos, and i want to see whatever files you have on the hilton sisters.

i love those girls.

then one of them started asking me about raymi and i said i didn't know anything about her.

they asked if i knew her real name, and i said yes.

then they said, see you know stuff about her.

then they asked for me to tell them her name and i told them i wouldn't.

then they asked me if i knew her address.

i told them that i knew her old address.

then they said that she was hot and they wanted to get her phone number.

then one of them asked another one of them if they'd ever kissed a canadian girl, and one of them said that they had and the other said that he hadn't. then a third said that he thinks so. then he realized that he really didn't, she was from nebraska.

then they asked me if i had kissed a canadian girl and i thought about it for a little while

if i was a computer i would have had an hourglass over my head

and then i said

no.

no i hadn't kissed a canadian girl.

and then i really didn't want to play any damn scrabble.

american protester girl gets killed by a tractor that's about to tear down a house

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true love: betty and i were saying that all these journalists will be meeing for drinks at 48 hours...
true love: and it's weird.
true love: like they should be covering the deadline or something.
dumbass: oooooooooh
true love: is she meeing you?
dumbass: didnt even think of that
dumbass: i jsut wrote her
dumbass: i dont know
true love: well, i hope she makes it.
dumbass:
hopefully she already knew abou tit
dumbass: me too!
dumbass: i got up at 2pm!
true love: haha.
true love: did you go to bed after 3 am?
dumbass: i wanted to write more about you on my blog
dumbass: 630am
true love: on no.
true love: you wrote enough.
dumbass: im glad how it turned out
dumbass: i didnt want it to be sad
true love: i don't think it was.
dumbass: i wanted to write about how i hold your hand and its perfect
dumbass:
just being with you is so perfect
true love: i agree.
dumbass: just how the police were on tv
dumbass: but its obvious that they are over
dumbass: and sad, cuz individually theyre nothing
true love: sting did ok.
dumbass: for a while
dumbass: but now who cares about him?
true love: true
true love: his wife does...he holds out ...
true love: :-)
dumbass: i was so emotional watching that thing yesterday at this time
dumbass: my whole childhood/hshood
dumbass: angus and malcom didnt say a word of acceptance
true love:wow
dumbass: so punk rock
true love: i told you they didn't seem into it.
dumbass: nope
true love: could care less.
dumbass: and steven tyler was dumb singing with them
dumbass: so unneccessary
true love: lame
dumbass: ok well i just wanted to say hi
dumbass:
didnt mean to bug ya
true love: i'm sooo happy you did.
true love: :-)
true love: you never bug me love...
dumbass: want some porn?
true love: did you really like the hours?
dumbass: YES!
true love: (uh, no)
true love: yeah!!!
dumbass: havent finished it
dumbass: i have a little left
true love: so amazing the stories
get tied together.
dumbass: it got me thinking about you a LOT
dumbass: so well done~!
dumbass: seamless
true love: and the acting is great.
dumbass: yesyes
true love: well, enjoy.
dumbass: you too
true love: finish it soon.
dumbass: i love you so much
true love: i'll tell Gene you say hello.
dumbass: you looked so good on sat
dumbass: please do
true love: thanks tony.
dumbass: xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
true love: xoxoxo you too. bathtub girl

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when i was prime minister of denmark i had motherfuckers tossing red paint on my ass all the damn time.

pissed me off.

then there were the jokers with the creme pies and the hippies with the spray paint and the fuckers with water balloons, and the ingrates with the silly string.

but all that shit stopped the first time that i kicked one of those cocksuckers in the nads with my doc martins.

"you have blood on your hands!" they shrieked.

and i said, "no it isnt you smelly fuck, it's paint!" and i slapped them with the back of my hand and they crumpled like a burning spider.

pathetic. weasly. laying there on the marble floor hands protecting their face like i was going to actually kick them there.

cover your nuts man! i would tell them. your face? who are you kidding?

then blam blam blam right in the family jewels and then they sure squirmed.

one reason nobody is into this war is cuz everyone involved are a bunch of fucking assholes.

only guy worth his salt is tony blair but because he's sucking dubya's cock so hard it's hard to get behind him. and why is britian so up in arms anyway? gas over there has been over $4/gallon since forever. $4 or $4.50 is pretty much the same thing. especially when we're complaining when it gets to a whopping $2.19.

currently there are two sorts of leaders: the incredibly lame wimpy stupid ones like the ruler of the free world, and the agressively tyrannical rapist murderer ones like the Tribune Corp., oops, i mean, like sadaam.

and theres very little in the middle.

wasnt Bill Clinton in the middle? why yes, he was. and he was perfect. and we had eight years of peace and prosperity. only troubles this country had during that time was within the beltway and under the hemline. the way it oughtta be.

meanwhile i was in denmark in the parking garages where the protesters would sometimes meet me. regularilly foiling them in their attempt to let the air out of my tires, i would chase after a few of them and then play a little game called punch the pm in the gut, fucker.

i would lift my shirt and i'd say hit me you spoiled little babies but then i get to hit you back.

and they'd punch me and i would wince and then i would roll up my sleeve and every single time it would only take one punch and they were flat on their asses with their piercings jingling and their drealocks flailing and their birkenstocks flying off.

i'd pick them up off the ground and i would shake their hands and say next time you fucking smartasses want to get my attention email me, write me, or lift up your shirts during a press conference. but this paint on my fucking brooks brothers is totally not cool. cant you see how well this shit fits!

and then theyd stutter some fucking art school bullshit and look at the ground and maybe puke from the punch and i'd say write it in an email and send it to me and i will think about it and write you back with probably like 50 reasons why you're wrong about this, your stupid tattoos and probably everything in your record collection.

kmfdm? you've Got to be kidding me.

and then theyd run home and tell all their friends.

i slept until two today and i feel like a total god.

alabama whoorley

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i don't cry. my eyes mist up, but that's all you'll get.

last week quite a few people were testing the boundaries of this phenomena, but i suppose that's the nature of the month of pisces, so it's futile to take it personally.

tonight the academy girls came over early just in case i was going to go out drinking. they had the hours. they wanted to make sure that i was going to watch it.

one of the girls even said that she would hold my hand during it and i tried it for about ten minutes but it was too uncomfortable.

some girls i can hold hands with, some i cant.

theres a girl who im really close with but we cant hold hands.

theres another girl who im not close with any more at all, and her hand fits perfect in mine.

none of it makes any sense.

i watched the hours and thought of all the women ive ever known. i even thought about this super hot chick in high school who i never knew liked me that way. she had a boyfriend who i set her up with, still we went to the movies the day high school ended. we went cuz she knew i was moving to california forever.

after the movie she gave me a freedom kiss.

but she did it half assed. she barely opened her mouth. she barely let her tongue over to my side of the world. the thought counted. i had no idea why she asked me out in the first place. i had no idea why we went to the movies. and after she kissed me it all made sense and i bounced around my house like a spaz and my mom thought i was on drugs.

here we are about 80 years later and some girls can make me bounce around my house like a spaz and i thought about those magical girls as i stroked the fingers of the academy girl and tried to pay attention to the film, but philip glass has always mesmerized me and the music he made for the hours is now instantly my favorite of his. i think it's cuz he's using a little more piano than normal. it really fills out the sound.

the familiar counterpoint of the cellos are there and the trademark runs going up and down the scales followed by the staccato quarter notes, but the piano as opposed to the synthesizer nearly made me cry it was so pretty and unexpected.

went to outback steak house this weekend with a girl who can cry and then laugh and then cry again out of no where. she thinks that equals crazy. but shes crazy to think that. shes wonderful and right with you which is why her emotions are there too, even in a benz convertible, even in burbank, even with me driving.

even though its a stick i still grab her hand whenever i can and bring it with me when i change gears. we haven't been naked in months but she still lets me rest my hand on her thigh and we'll hold hands longer than we planned but not in a lovey dovey way, more like a you complete me mini me way. the funny part of it. not the sad caramel nougat truth center.

she does complete me.

but be careful cuz dirt completes us when we die, and worms do too, so watch it.

i smile and sing while she drives.

it would have been nice to say any of this to the academy girl. after all, she had written me, her name is very memorable, but i didn't tell her that i knew who she was, i just traced the outline of her skinny lil digits bejeweled and bangled and her friend went home. she asked me if i was liking the film and i said yes. a lot. but i told her that i was falling asleep.

she asked if i wanted to pause it or stop it or

i said, lets just go to sleep and finish it in the morning.

she pulled a strand of her dyed hair behind her ear and blushed, the latest victim of the assumptive close.

i told her that i had a pair of clean flannel pajamas in the second drawer, then i remembered the huge box of condoms in the third drawer and got up and retrieved the pjs myself. people get the wrong idea.

she looked sleepy and hopeful and i told her that i would be writing for a few hours, that she shouldn't wait up for me.

and out came the lower lip, exaggeratingly.

cute.

she dragged her feet into the bathroom, water was turned on, i thought about breaking open one of my many ninety nine cent store guest toothbrushes for her, but she's a college girl, she should pack a toothbrush.

sat down to the computer and turned on howard stern live from new york.

simultaneously the christmas lights clicked off due to the light timer behind the tv, which meant it was three am.

the perfect hour for anything.

and i sat in the dark watching the rock n roll hall of fame induction and the clash nearly did it and elvis costello nearly did it, and ac/dc was super close to doing it.

but when the police came out and i heard stewart copeland play exactly like how he did in nineteen eighty three, so subtilely on the high hat

i teared up cuz it was so perfect

and yet absolutely over.

42. Robin J.

blue bukkake + an okie in paris + luke ford

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slept in till noon. might have to do that every day. one time i woke up at noon with an irish girl named shana.

happy st. paddys day, shana.

went to golden gate park on sunday afternoon with her sexy friend and we drank and danced in the sun.

her friend was also a beautiful irish girl on a work visa there in san francisco.

frisco was full of em at the time.

hopefully it's still like that.

best part about the irish is that if you invited a few of them, dozens more would come singing through the doors just as the bars were closing with jugs of wine, boxes of cheap beer in cans, and guitars.

all of the men knew every song, and all of the women were beautiful.

one night two of the prettiest ones kissed me at the same time.

so sitting there drunk in the sun on an unseasonably warm summer day in san francisco watching the two girls dance in the middle of a drum circle, i decided to rest my eyes and listen to the groovy beats.

i woke up and the girls were sharing a chocolate chip cookie and offered me some. who doesnt like chocolate chip cookies?

we hopped on the 71 Haight and rode home and were naked within an hour.

in the morning i remembered very little of that night.

and because im a little too honest in my real life life, i told the young lady.

i dont remember anything of last night.

i kissed her on the neck and said, nope, dont remember any a that.

kissed her pale stomach and said, yep, dont remember any of that either.

she laughed and rolled over me

her straight red hair fell perfectly around her face like rain, suspended during sunset

and i did remember that

then we did some other stuff that i didnt remember

then we did some stuff that theres no way i should have forgotten,

but i did forget.

then we had grits at a breakfast place in the rain on a monday afternoon

she dropped me off, gave me a great kiss, told me she'd call me before dinner

and i never saw her again.

oish

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