two soul sisters from compton have made womens tennis totally boring.

and yet the brotha named tiger has made

golf

magically watchable

even on television.

my man had to chip out of the fucking sand yesterday in hopes to par the 18th so as to make the cut to even play today.

chipped it, parred it, hes still in the Masters.

so after starting this morning in 43rd place, motherfucker tucks himself to sleep tonight in

fifth place

after completely making a joke out of all the finest players in golf

on the most famously racist and sexist course.

the marines at the agency always want to bring up nicklaus and palmer and to piss them off i tell them that theyre so lucky that they didnt have to play tiger.

then i tell them about stockton and malone, which is what arnie and jack would have been if tiger was a hundred years older.

my kids will never ask me about the mailman.

some asswipe will get lucky with the pickandroll in 2020 and pretend like he invented it, but we'll know better.

its raining tonight in hollywood and im thinking about guys who never won shit, and guys who always found a way to win, and its good to think about both of them.

i dont care that im not making a lot right now.

scottie pippen didnt make a lot until his 6th world championship.

what if to get your ideal job you had to take a 25% cut in your already ridiculously low salary?

and i am crazy enough to do something like that.

start from the bottom, at my age.

but at least this time it's the bottom of something i totally love.

tiger was 40 feet away from the hole

tapped it right of the cup

it had to go up a hill a little

made it up okay

then it had to curve over to the left hard while going slightly downhill

about twelve feet away

curved left

hard

rolled downhill

and slowly so very slowly

found its way into the bottom of the hole.

that sixty six moved him up thirty eight spots

and now hes only four shots from the lead

for your sunday afternoon asses.

[update: never mind]

jason sutter + jason shellon +kottke

# | |

if i had a adult video store, i'd call it Ass. i think it would be funny to see Ass in huge red letters as you drove down a street. i admire people who can take something people buy every day and turn it into a huge chain.

like how the guy from Blockbuster made Blockbuster. and how Dominos Pizza just one day was everywhere. people seriously stopped going to their local, folksy, funky pizza palors and stores and started renting at Blockbuster and buying books at Barnes and Noble.

i think the man or woman who figures out how to launch the first adult video rental store chain deserves the buttload of money that they will receive.

and i think it would be awesome if they called the place Ass.

i would also like to have a club called Prom.

once a month there'd be a prom. tuxedos, dresses, punch, limos, eighties music.

i know i'd like to do prom over again.

it wouldnt really be a great place for a first date, but it would be a perfect place to go once you were starting to get serious with someone.

hey, would you like to go to prom with me?

omg, are you serious?

why, yes.

yes! yes i will!

then a bunch of her friends would want to go, so then youd get some of your buddies. rent a limo. everyone gets some.

tony gets paid.

if i had a book store id call it The Springfield Book Depository.

unlike most book stores i'd have a whole wall of Charles Bukowski books. it would be the ultimate place for bukowski stuff.

there would be a poetry reading room in the back, but i wouldnt ever go, i dont like poetry readings.

thered be a tiny record store upstairs full of out of print bootlegs, and posters.

if i had a liquor store i'd call it No Smokes

cuz cigarettes will kill you.

bettie girl + anti + ginacide

# | |

caption this, please

# | |

hi anna kournikova

im not talking to you.

how come?

oh i dont know, why dont you ask your girlfriend kristin dunst!

oh come on, dont be ridiculous. shes so not my style.

i hate you.

i heard you got hurt again yesterday in the second set.

rub it in, tony. good job.

i was going to say that i am sorry to hear that you are out again after missing so many tournaments trying to rehab.

i dont need your pity.

it's not pity.

fine, your sympathy, whatever.

so i cant say that im sorry that youre injured.

no, you cant say it. you cant say anything! specifically because im not TALKING TO YOU!

you looked cute in your new outfit.

still not talking to you.

whats with the blue though, you've been doing blue for years now. remember yellow? remember green? red? why not use some more of the pallette?

im going to come to hollywood and knock down your door and strangle you. do you understand me?

anna theres nothing going on between me and kristin dunst, why do you want to start wars all the time.

ok, YOU, tony pierce are the one putting skanky ass hos on your page pretending to have conversations with them. shes not even pretty.

she is so pretty.

and she has saggy boobs

if she was your friend you wouldnt say that.

i wouldnt be friends with a skank like her.

how is she a skank? she plays sweet girls in all her roles.

get it on?

that's bring it on, and she played a sweet cheerleader.

please stop talking to me

if you didnt want people to talk to you, why are you on Instant Messenger?

i totally super hate you.

who else are you chatting with?

x minus you

sk smith + faith fools + pshrink

# | |

hi kristin dunst

i know you asked me not to use this picture, but i dont care. im mad at you.

you werent supposed to fall in lust with jake gillenhall you were supposed to fall in lust with me.

where the hell is jake gillenhalls blog?

kristin, i cant get that white stripes bass line out of my head so i put on low rider but even that doesnt help.

why does a caged bird sing?

anyhow, baby, thanks for calling me last night. im sorry i didnt pick up, i was pooped. after work the fellas took me out for happy hour which turns into haaaaappy hours which turns into me wondering if i had actually tivoed survivor which of course i didnt but thankfully the cheerleader had used her key and tivoed it for me, the second half, cuz she still doesnt even really know how that thing works.

all night i thought of you.

took the bus home at ten o'clock pm which is fun cuz its so different than normal. strangely it was still crowded.

some guy had a hot pizza. everyone was looking at him with dirty looks. i think he worked at the pizza place.

this homeless guy was singing Bingo. the one about the dog. he was so happy. and bingo was his name-o.

b-i

n-g-o

people wanted to hate this bum because he was talking about how people change when they get rich. how when you get rich everyone wants to be your friend. how when he will get rich he will keep it real and how he will give to the poor.

then he started talking about the devil.

devil dont want you to give to the poor.

devil wants you to point at the poor and talk mean about him.

it shut everyone up.

i had a few things to say about the devil but i dont talk on the bus. i also dont talk in the fantasy draft live chat.

anyway, kristin, i miss you, i wish we could do something this weekend. maybe i can do laundry at your house since karisa is in maui for her pre-bikini season tan.

lemme know, k?

antonio

rabbit + azrock + mind in motion

# | |

kurts not supposed to but he sent me a postcard from heaven.

he said they have rivers made of chocolate milk with killer waves and marshmellow great white sharks.

and then he told me about the mermaids.

then i got another postcard and all he talked about was the mermaids.

he told me about one who really was a maid too.

wanna see a funny ass headline: click here.

somebody asked outloud in his blog why i do this.

hits? no. attention? hell no. feedback? no.

why then?

to impress the ladies.

the history channel kicked my ass talking about "drugs" and how they became illegal. i learned a lot.

thanks, history channel.

doesnt look like my date is going to happen tomorrow. there was a time when i might have been upset about such a thing. or mad.

i dont get mad any more.

just keep driving the lane. elbow out, head down.

the goal is: fun.

dont get mad at people trying to stop you.

the game would be nothing without them.

dont get mad at the haters but also dont hang on the rim above them like a jackass after youve dunked on them.

slam, point at your teammate, get back on d.

then wink at your favorite cheerleader.

delphinium + sarah + kool keith

# | |

today is the reverse cowgirl's birthday



to celebrate, tell me something sexy.

it can be anonymous if you want... this time

# | |

people like to cut in line when the bus arrives. they see the line and still they sneak in at the sides without a care in the world.

sometimes they smile with their dirty teeth.

my mom is a world traveler and she noticed that in other parts of the world cutting in line isnt such a big deal.

some of the people dont like to move to the right on the escalators. i saw a woman today, she was asked to step to the right as a man climbed the escalator, she moved over maybe one centimeter and gave him a dirty look and then went back to blocking the way.

almost all of the people are incredibly attracted to me. if theres no more seats and im standing in the front of the bus, everyone stands as close to me as possible in the front of the bus.

if i stand in the middle of the bus, theres a huge bottleneck in the middle.

if i stand in the rear of the bus, suddenly thats the most popular area.

they all like to rub their asses up against me as they pass by, and once theyve passed and see theres no empty seats in the back they stand right next to me. whole bus to spread out in, they like to stand up against me.

people like to sneeze at me. they like to cough on me. they like my ass. a lot.

if i was gay i would be the happiest man on the bus.

homeless man sitting on the bus had his homeless bag next to him. he kept nodding off. instead of nodding to the left or right, due to his bad posture he kept nodding forward smashing his head up against the headrest in front of him. i laughed. eventually he woke up smiling realizing his nightmare was simply mine.

old woman whose head wouldnt stop shaking like katherine hepburn didnt see there was a seat open near the back. then she saw it finally and a young man beat her to the seat. big fat man was standing blocking the back door. i gave the young man the evil eye and he tried to ignore me. so i said, get up.

he got up.

and the day had begun.

# | |

how many millions of dollars did the nba just make?

last night the worlds greatest basketball player wore a jersey that has to be the coolest thing that anyone has seen in a really long time.

not only does it shine the floodlights on the fact that the new Wizards jerseys look like something from the USFL reject bin, but it reminds you how great the old Bullets logo really was.

major league baseball was the first to bring back retro uniforms several years back for several reasons. they wont admit it, but the biggest reason was to expand the demographic (read: get more women into watching the sport at the spectacle of "cute" uniforms).

on certain sundays you could see the Cincinnati Reds in their baggy old school unis which was supposed to be a tip of the hat to the glorious past of the national pastime, but in all actuality it was a great marketing ploy to get marginal fans into the stands, and of course to sell throwback jerseys to kids, fanatics, and collectors.

and since all sports fashion trends begin with hip hop artists, all you have to do is tune in Yo MTV Raps - oh, that's right they canceled it - or 50 Cent and Nelly videos to see that the '70s jerseys are all the rage.

ive seen more '70s go go Sox baseball caps than current ones (who exactly is on the white sox any more other than the big hurt?) so the scam is obviously worth it. meanwhile teams like the Yankees who havent changed their uniforms since ruth and gehrig do things like make green caps or sell the warm up and spring training versions.

whatever, the new jordan jersey is the shit and if my birthday was coming up any time soon id ask for it, but mark my words you'll be seeing that on every up and coming hip hop artist and wanna-be this summer.

maybe they'll make a lil one for my girlfriend, christina agueliera.

but one thing's for certain, it wont look better on anyone other than on mj himself.

pick up your jordan retro washington bullets jersey at your local foot locker soon, right next to the kobe white laker jersey that they only wear on sundays and the jordan north carolina retro for the low low price of $189.

a model goes to the beach + gweilo diaries + no use for virtue

# | |

the good people at Variety.com are reporting that the NBC two-hour showing last night of Cher's concert in Vegas brought in the biggest ratings of the season for a music special.

It was a good show. She opened with "The Streets Have No Name", she looked good, she was funny. She was Cher and she put on a decent Cher show.

But the best ratings for a music special? 16.3 million people?

I like Cher, but no way would I have expected her to beat Faith Hill's ass or the ultra-hyped Celine Dion. Hill and Dion only managed to scrounge up 12 and 10 million viewers respectively in their concert specials this year.

I love concerts on tv. It is beyond me why MTV doesn't make more Unplugged or even Plugged events.

This year's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame awards on VH-1 had enough material for several big-time concerts on par with friggin Faith Hill, and I bet if you asked the average american to tell you four songs by the Police and/or AC/DC they would have an easier time reeling them off for you than they would Faith or Celine.

And Sting is definitely easier on the eyes than Ms. Dion, despite his advancing age.

Which brings us back to Cher.

I thought she looked terrific and im not even gay, but the video effects i thought were tedious and unnecessary. Sure she cant dance as much as she could in the 70s but theres no reason to have cuts and split screens and shots of video every other second. It made me tired. I had to pause my Tivo.

Fortunately America didnt mind, and I say fortunately because Cher isnt getting the fondest farewell at the hands of the likes of other critics, many of whom wouldn't look good in a blonde wig or Bob Mackie dress no matter how out of the closet they got.

Cher was inspirational last night. Her songs sounded new, her dancers were awesome, and she continues to re-invent herself as if that could even be possible at this point.

Sting has a lot to learn from Cher, as does Mick Jones, and Elvis Costello could learn a few tricks from her as well. Very few performers have aged as gracefully and kept up with the current trends as well as Cher and maybe thats one reason that her show was a hit last night.

I just want to know where the hell Rupaul's review is.

# | |

hi beautiful blog that i love so much.

hi sexy tony who rocks so hard damn near every day.

sexy? flattery will get you everywhere.

is it true that you have a date on friday?

yes.

but i thought nothing in this thing is true.

details, details.

so do you, or dont you?

i do.

anyone i know?

i dont even know her, its sorta a blind date.

what are you going to do?

i think we're going to get drunk and watch porn.

you know my mom reads this blog and she doesnt really like the parts where youre dirty and outrageous.

my mom reads this blog too and she would agree with your mom.

so what are you going to do about it?

not much i can do since more people who arent moms read this than people who are moms.

so *nothing* in here is true?

thats right. in all honesty i have a lot more dates than i let on.

a lot?

ok, maybe not a lot, but more than i reveal. not everybody wants their rendevous' blogged.

do you know anything about grammar?

i dont know much about anything.

you're a very intersting man, tony pierce.

a hot chick called me up last night and told me a very sexy lesbian story.

is this part true?

definately.

did you watch the cher special last night?

no, i was watching the lakers and dallas.

during this one part cher instructed everyone to just "do it." she said for people not to worry about things. that sure you'll have your regrets, but the worst regret is not going for things.

i love cher.

people went crazy when she said all that. and she had the best smile on her face.

lakers are going all the way

i hate you.

their only problem is gonna be the spurs.

f the spurs, they're old.

couldnta said it better myself, blog.

jaime is ok + reverse cowgirl + reger chris

# | |

to protest the war im going on a date friday.

actually i took a beautiful girl up on her offer of coming over to my house, flipping on the fireplace, and allwing her to model her collection of catholic girl skirts.

believe it or not but i actually passed on this not to long ago in a slight lapse of sanity, but thankfully sometimes you get a second chance to make a first impression and after a few keystrokes via AOL instant messenger, the date is on.

i havent been on a date date in a while, and this is not only that but its a blind date.

shes blind.

just kidding. although she must be if she wants to go out with me in the state that im in right now. hair-wise, that is. its not a pretty sight. but its cool. i have a wide variety of hats and fright wigs.

one of the xbi security guards asked me if i would take off my laker cap today so he could see how im doing up there, and then he confided in me that he didnt recognize me when i first appeared bald at the office a few months back.

undercover, i told him.

bullshit, my buddy said behind me and slapped me in the back of the head.

anyway, to all the people who i disappointed by not showing more scantilly clad women, which i promised to protest the war, i hope this shot of pam anderson lee rock makes up for it a little bit.

i will make sure to keep focused.

gratzi.

by the way tomorrow we will start focusing in on the entertainment business a little more, so make sure to get your free two month memberships to Variety.com, as i will be referencing them. they have an incredible site full of a ridiculous amount of resources and good writing.

if i hadnt been busy doing laps in the company pool today on the roof of the transunion building i would have talked about this weeks box office grosses, but the spirit got in me and i just happened to have a pair of swim trunks in my book bag.

loving Crime and Punishment, thanks alabama.

how to live

# | |

White Stripes
Elephant
V2

"Seven Nation Army"

I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
And I'm talking to myself at night
Because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette
And the message coming from my eyes
Says leave it alone

Don't want to hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell
And if I catch it coming back my way
I'm gonna serve it to you
And that ain't what you want to hear,
But that's what I'll do
And the feeling coming from my bones
Says find a home

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera for evermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding
Right before the lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will think no more
And the stains coming from my blood
Tell me go back home

kate sullivan + state sarah + that broken girl

# | |

could today be any more beautiful? more glorious? more sunshiny, warmy, springtimey, luscious, delicious, mouth wateringly wonderful?

it's the cubs home opener, too.

why aren't you here?

if you were here id ask for the boss to let me off early, like at noon, and he'd say, tony, because you're the fucking man, sure. and then put a $20 into my front shirt pocket and shake my hand.

if you were here we'd take the 720 to santa monica beach and squirt water into the clowns mouth at the pier.

and then let the clown chase us cuz i do that shit to him every day off.

if you were here we'd rent mountain bikes and coast down venice boardwalk taking a swig out of our flasks every time we passed someone we'd do. then we'd eat buck hot dogs and watch the elderly play paddle tennis.

if you were here we'd then go to muscle beach and watch the gay guys flex for the tourists, and the brothas slam for the sistas. we'd try on sunglasses and buy tube socks from the chinese. we'd buy bootleg dvds of chicago for ten bucks, but we'd talk them down to seven pretending we weren't american.

if you were here we'd eat fish tacos from a roach coach where the mexicans crouch in the shadows of an old brick building the way that they do. i'd put on too much hot sauce for you and you'd scrunch your face after you tasted it, but id say it puts hair on my chest and id lift my acdc shirt and you'd lift your tsar baby doll tee and the mexicans would fall over spooking the seagulls who flap away to the safety of a busstop.

if you were here we'd get two forties of mickeys, take off our shoes, and walk in the sand to the nude beach and pass out after the rasta dude passes us and we laugh and laugh off the contact high and then bake in the california sun.

if you were here we'd wake up burnt and drink the rest of our warm beer cuz you call it alcohol abuse if you waste any.

if you were here you'd get a henna tattoo that said tony in such crazy cursive you have to stare at it for like ten minutes

which is always your secret plan.

and then we'd start a band.

dirty fez + roxy cat + splink + dullest blog ever

# | |

got home today and it was sunny thanks to daylight savings time so i walked to the undercover xbi post office. it's disguised as a massage parlor. you need an appointment.

hadnt been there in a while and lo, two nice gifts. one was a nice postcard from a girl who signed her name and lipstick kissed it.

the other was a package with a local free weekly, one polaroid, a printed picture, an xray of several teeth, and a copy of a birth certificate. and a very sweet letter with penmanship that obviously took a lot of time to master.

im not worried about anthrax any more. homeland security has our backs.

talked on the phone with several people. chatted with several more. for some reason im opening up more. how long will this last? hours, if we're lucky.

im watching american in paris. not for the singing or dancing. for oscar levant.

i was reading his book not too long ago, memoirs of an amnesiac. loved it. that guy was so funny. terribly smart. brilliant pianist. gershwin's drinking buddy. always had hot chicks even though he was never confused for handsome.

do you know im getting carpal again?

do you know i dont give a fuck.

talked to a guy about bukowski today who said that he didnt like him because he sounded too much like hemingway.

never heard that objection before, but how do you argue around it?

i was reading crime and punishment on the bus today. made it to page five and realized that everything they taught me at santa barbara was right. the russians knew it all. they have all the secrets. they were on to something.

remember when the bicyclist from breaking away started talking italian to his momma and poppa. i suck at languages, so i will settle for wanting to write like the russians.

theyre going to be tougher to steal from than hem and buk and royko and ee and jd and sukenick.

its not as easy to see their brush strokes, to see their source code, to steal their signs, to esp their most innermost thoughts.

ive seen the prettiest girl at the xbi now four days in a row and every time all i can do is smile like a retard.

you have no idea how terrible my hair is growing in, or not growing in, depending on where youre looking.

went to dennys and they gave me the senior citizens menu.

cubs got snowed out of their home opener today at wrigley.

just another sign that hell is freezing over and the cubs are going all the way.

sorority girl in handcuffs + watch alecia turn legal + ham fisted theatrics

# | |

it's a beautiful day in paradise today. why arent you here?

the girls are rollerblading in pairs with their headphones on wearing tight shorts and busblog tshirts. the birds are singing, and all the children have ditched school for spring is here.

rebirth. rejoice. renewal.

and along those lines, jerry krause (the fat man on the right) has resigned from the Chicago Bulls.

ding, dong, the witch is dead.

now i have no problem with fat men in particular. the first tony pierce was a fat man and the way i keep eating kfc i will be one soon myself.

this particular fat man got lucky when he signed a kid named jordan. lucky, i say, because there were several other teams that could have picked him, but didnt.

krause loves pictures like the ones im presenting on the blog today because it makes it seem like he had something to do with the six trophies that glisten behind him. but of course he had very little to do with any of them.

and that could be one reason that that kid named jordan quit the bulls twice.

rarely does one get the chance to draft a mj and then pull off a trade so as to get a scottie pippen. krause got those chances and instead of renting a crane to help him to his knees so he could give thanks to the Lord, he did just the opposite and took credit and tried to take credit away from proven winners like Phil Jackson and Tex Winter.

but this is the age of information, and history wont be friendly to krause, who did nothing with the Bulls once the champions had moved on. he had Elton Brand and traded him away for nothing. he had lots of other good young talent and traded them away for Jalen Rose. he had lots of deep dish pizza, and ate it.

and now the doctors say that at 64 that he will die soon.

i am playing the littlest violin with my thumb and index finger.

now i am flipping the bird.

and now i am kissing strangers.

the fat man who alienated the finest basketball player in basketball, the finest accomplice in basketball, and one of the most-winningest coaches, is a meatball sandwich away from doom. pass the butter, bulls fans, our dreams have come true.

and the children of Chicago have ditched school to play in the snow. the snow that came from Heaven originally as tears of joy from the angels and saints of above who can once again sport their Bulls gear and not feel weird about it, since most of the proceeds go to a fat man who never gave a rat's ass -- unless it was grilled medium well.

in a perfect world MJ would come back to the Bulls next year now that his old boss is gone, and he will do with his real team what he tried to do with the Wizards, which is make something out of nothing, the definition of art.

but this isnt a perfect world, this is america, and mj will probably do what all the good little souls are doing right now, laughing and smiling at the sloppy demise and pitiful end of a big mess who has left his skidmark on history.

and that smell coming from downtown is death stoked that he's about to get some, supersized.

matt welch + ken layne + tiffany

# | |

this weekend was crazy and it looks like this week will only get more crazy.

do you want your life crazy?

i dont. i want normalness. happy normalness.

i say that now, but when i had it it bored me.

i had a beautiful life, a pretty wife, no kids, good friends, great restaurants every where. i was making $50 an hour. she really wasnt my wife which made it even better. i had thousands of compact discs.

we had a two car garage and a washer and dryer and a dishwasher and 100s of channels on the television.

and at some point i grew bored of it all and at some point now i want it all back.

ah the yo yo of contentment. look how we can walk the dog.

i dont even know what i was searching for more of, precisely. it certainly wasnt fame money women power.

sadly, i think it was something spiritual.

i say sadly because i sure as hell havent found that. not that ive been looking all that deeply. but sometimes you get lucky.

ive gotten lucky in other ways, and maybe because i havent had massive shitty crap dumped on me, then maybe i have found a little of the spirtual goodness out there.

a few times during the many moons that you and i have spent together i have ascended to the tippy top of the highest highs and i believe that a majority of those were due to the generosity of a kiss from a fair maiden.

or was that from listening to kiss, fair warning, or iron maiden?

hard to remember, being 109 like i am.

snow at wrigley today made for a non-home opener for the cubbies today.

meanwhile here in paradise its in the 70s with clear skies. tonight expect scattered gummi bears and a slight chance of joy.

44. joh3n
45. steve
46. lago

the hilton sisters are bloggers

# | |

I started reading Tony Pierce's busblog in these past few days.

I'm impressed.

I used to glance over it once in a while when somebody said something special, but I never knew exactly what the mass appeal was.

Well now I do.

- Mallory, insightexperiment.blogspot.com

i got a phonecall from raymi today.

i was about to write Joh3n and thank him for flowing the busblog, and notifying him that i would link his name above anna starting tonight.

nobody had flowed all week, and i was happy to see that the little promotion had done its job.

and then the phone rang.

my phone rings a lot but this was a name that i had recognized, united airlines skyfone.

it was raymi the minx telling me that she was going to maui and she was going to live in a condo there and that i should call her every day.

i told her it would be my absolute pleasure.

she told me she was an actress and an author. she said that my voice sounded different than how she expected.

i said how did you expect it?

she said, oh hi im mr. super famous blogger guy.

and then she talked a little more. she told me many dramas around her life. some made me sad. she reminded me of courtney love.

her voice was raspy and she said it was because of the drama, but it sounded good like that. keep it.

she said she was flying to maui because some of the best karoake places are in hawaii and she takes that shit serious.

then she told me that she edited blook!

all i gotta say is this, if raymi will edit blook two, i will make blook two.

for your ass.

got back to the computer and saw that Steve had flowed as well.

thanks, steve.

# | |