for her 22nd birthday, clippergirl said that all she wanted was for me to put my picture on her favorite blog, the busblog.

so there you are honey. i took it while watching 'my favorite wife' using a double exposure red eye reduction flash that if you whip around it will capture a bright image like a tv screen.

me and clippergirl met in an alley off the sunset strip.

she was ducking out for a sneek-a-toke and i was pissing on a dumpster.

our eyes met and i told her that if she told me her number that i would remember it, and that i dont remember anything.

she said, dont you want to finish what youre doing first.

i shook, zipped and then i listened.

me and clippergirl have had a pretty good deal going for what, two years now, it seems like a lot longer and maybe it is longer, who knows anymore.

i dont mind that she breaks the rules and dates nba superstars, she doesnt mind when i make echo noises when im kissing below her belly button.

ok, she does mind that. but she knows im kidding.

we kid a lot. i like to kid.

clippergirl and i dont drink very much. we just watch tv and hold hands. she wears sexy clothes and i wear different hats.

the last time we hung out i wore a stove pipe hat on account of the rumor that abe lincoln was gay.

she wore this see thru mini skirt and a little bippy top.

she doesnt eat much which is good for me cuz i eat like a pig.

her brother says that she has never been as happy as right now and i tell him its cuz of the dude shes been dating and he says no, that its me.

shes good at chess and once she starts speaking french its hard to get her to stop.

if she wasnt the wrong sign i would ask her to be my girlfriend but i know better than that.

anyway, happy birthday to my favorite cheerleader.

when you get back from maui i have a nice present for you.

# | |

theres nothing i would like more than to please miss pamela anderson. but shes going to have to do more than wear lettuce for me to stop eating meat.

welch and i were at a taqueria the other day and he ordered the goat burrito.

everything is in spanish at midnight tacos on santa monica and vermont so i ask for the pollo burrito no onions and everything usually works out fine.

but welch is so badass that not only did he order the goat burrito but he prounced it in perfect spanish rolling the r's and everything.

i guess you learn those things when youre living in prague and budapest or married to a superhot frenchwoman.

midnight tacos is famous for their beef tongue burritos which looks like tongue when they pull it out of the sauce with the tongs but once they split it open with the big knife it looks like ground turkey.

people order tounge at a 2:1 ratio over the pollo at this 24 hour secret treasure of east hollywood right above the vermont and santa monica subway stop.

but when welch ordered the goat the normally speedy white dress shirt, bowtie wearing mexican man had to pause and consider his options.

he pulled the goat meat from one of the warming dishes and placed it on the cutting board to chop it up real good.

he prepared the sloppy thick meal and wrapped it up and charged us two fittie each and we went on our way.

we ate and i asked hows the goat and welch said ggggggggggood.

tofu doesnt do that to you pamela.

coyote + fragrant + earth-info + pillows

# | |

hi friday the thirteenth. im sorry what i said earlier. i take it all back.

today was pretty shitty for most of the day. nothing seemed to go right. my commander had me fly in a little early to have a sit down with me. feelings were hurt. etc.

and then cake was delivered and a pretty girl was talked to and nervousness went through me and now i feel 78 again.

hi.

ah, gemini, you month of change. what other crazy amusement park rides of emotions will you put me through?

im going to take the bus home, im going to inspect the job my new maid did, im going to put on my pajamas, im going to drink a bottle of rum, im going to order a pizza, im going to see what tivo stoked me with.

then im going to pass out on my leather couch as the phone rings off the hook and as cheerleaders pound on my door.

then im going to wake up in the wee hours and i will make myself some hot chocolate and update my fantasy baseball teams.

then im going to read the bible and lay myself to sleep.

then im going to wake up and begin the beguine.

friday the thirteenth thanks for letting me appreciate the good times that i do have. without cold we dont appreciate warm. without dark we dont appreciate light.

without twosomes we dont appreciate threesomes.

without turmoil we dont appreciate bliss.

merry christmas, friday.

happy new year.

jumping people + dr. t + bukakke gone wild

# | |

today is friday the 13th. fuck you friday the 13th.

very few things are going down today at the agency without a struggle. i hate it. i want to go home. i want to go home right now. i dont want to do anything but go home right this minute.

im on my lunch break. im writing you. i wrote the hottest girl here and sorta asked her what shes doing tomorrow. ok i did ask her what shes doing tomorrow. i asked her two other dumb questions. maybe she will think im dumb for asking. thats fine. i am dumb. and im dumb for asking.

i asked her if she liked scary movies and i asked her if she liked reggae.

i was invited to a birthday party tomorrow that im not sure if i can go to. but if i can i want to go with this gurl.

its a little more sunny here in la than its been but friday the thirteenth is here and doesnt want it to be too nice.

this is the month of gemini. things are supposed to be good this month. what the hell is happening?

i watched, and enjoyed the amazing race last night.

i have a new maid who should be in my apartment right now saying aye carumba!

the old maid was caught stealing.

she took my old mavica.

this new guy at the xbi followed her home and then went through her things and found some stolen rubber gloves, and coffee mugs from some restaurants. weird little things that cant bring in too much money, but some thieves are like that.

so many more interesting things for her to steal from my mansion and yet she didnt.

very odd.

people are so weird.

but fortunately theyre weird in super nice ways too.

but still, fuck you friday the thirteenth. today i miss karisa just that much more.

dc + splink + treacher

# | |

the other day i alluded to two of my friends who are my heroes. i have several friends who are also my heroes. kate sullivan is very near the top of that list.

today if you live in los angeles and youre one of the many who pick up the LA Weekly you will see a campy retro portrait of Rodney Bingenheimer, a hollywood icon, wonderfully featured by our very own kate.

rodney has been a fixture in punk alternative and underground music here in southern california since the advent of radio.

in a town of famous radio djs rodney is not only still standing, but rocking out just as hard.

the way things go in la radio are like this: rodney discovers it on kroq on sundays around 11pm, the college station kxlu plays it for months, then when that band comes out on a major label rodney will play it again, then kroq will play it in the daytime, then a video will get made, then mtv will play it, then it will become huge, then the rest of the country's "modern rock" stations will play it.

rodney has introduced the fine music of the sex pistols, the ramones, the go gos, x, the clash, black flag, depeche mode, the smiths, wham, the bangles, nirvana, blur, elastica, the strokes, the white stripes, and now the donnas.

if you want to see the future of rock go no further than the Rodney on the Roq show.

rodney is a big fan of girl groups. hes a big fan of japanese girls. hes a big fan of brit pop. and he even had tsar headline one of his club dates.

i love rodney and i love kate and i love that they melded minds and got a cover story out of it.

apparently the LA Film Festival will be screening a documentary about rodney which the weekly says is the centerpiece of the festival.

he's the mayor of the sunset strip, what more would you expect?

i love rodney not just because he has championed new music that i have ended up loving, like Teenage Fanclub and Shonen Knife, but because he does it with a wimpy ass totally real voice that sounds nothing like what you'd expect from a quote unquote dj on la's most influential radio station..

i love him because he's loyal to his favorite bands and artists, i love him because hes one freaky dude, and i love him because i have run into him at canter's, clubs, and the now defunct rocknroll dennys next to guitar center and he was always nice and even once posed with me for a picture.

what more could you want from a legend?

i love kate because shes hot, gives great hugs, and not only meets all my favorite people but gets paid to write down what they say to her.

long live kate and long live rodney.

kate sullivan meets rodney bingenheimer

# | |

caption this, please

# | |

i did a lot of fun things today. i wish i could tell you about them.

today ashley called me from las vegas.

today i wrote the hottest chick at work an email.

i said

hi, did you see old school?

she wrote back with a

hi, yes.

in sales they teach you to keep the customer saying yes.

the idea is that when you ask for the sale they'll have a habit of saying yes to you and they'll feel comfortable saying yes when you want them to.

i wasnt that sort of salesman.

i would tell them about their choices and then have them decide.

sometimes they would want to go home and think about it, and then i would close them, because, well, that was the game.

if you tricked someone into buying something, eventually they would want to bring it back. lots of times it was within a week.

then you would have to deal with the return, and very rarely would they exchange it, so i recommend never to trick people into things.

i would close them by saying i didnt care if they bought that night, but why not think about it while its at your house.

theories i told them are ok

but if you have the chance to actually experience it, risk free, well, it would be sorta logical to take it home and try it out.

later in the day i saw the hottest chick at work at the bagel shop across the street

some girls take the confidence right out of me.

i like those girls.

i like being nervous for no good reason.

my buddy went to the maxim hundred hottest chick party last night here in hollywood.

this is a good town for events like those.

i told this website that i would like to go to hollywood parties for them and write about it as a blog.

they said whats a blog.

i told them the wall street journal has a blog and i told them about all the other sites that have blogs and they told me that blogs were juvenile and i said but i want to go to famous peoples homes who are throwing hollywood parties and i want to take pictures of the feet of the famous and the bathrooms and their elbows.

i told them i wanted to call the blog elbows and assholes.

i learned that phrase from one of the marines at the xbi. one of the old school ones.

he said that out in the fight if it was particularilly heavy gunfire they would say we were up in our elbows and assholes in shit.

they told me that blogs were unprofessional and sent me on my way.

problem is i have no way.

i havent seen a naked girl in weeks.

fuckin president.

jennyeah

# | |

because of our gunfight last week the xbi has issued a new procedure thats pretty interesting.

first of all if we're pissed at each other we can no longer shoot at each other.

but we can say fuck you to each other.

but we can only do it once a day, and our fuck yous can carry-over so if you dont tell anyone to fuck themselves on one day you can tell two people to fuck themselves the next day. or you can tell one person to fuck themselves twice the next day.

strangely this has not only cut down on the gunplay but also the verbal assaults.

i really dont curse that much at work. i know if you read the busblog much you'd think im a swearing machine, but not really. i just use those words on here because the legitimate liberal press cannot.

and cuz its fun.

and cuz welch and layne and all the rest of my heroes are too ashamed to on their things, but i understand, theyre professionals and they want people to think that theyre smarter than they are, which they are.

so now im flying over west la, my old home, and im thinking about who i want to give my fuck yous to for this week.

and im also a little worried about who will give me some, which is really weird because when they were unlimited i didnt really say anything evil to people and very few of them said anything evil to me.

but the new russian chick shot at me a few times, so im pretty sure shes gonna fling some curses at me.

when i grow up i want to be a white rapper.

just kidding.

when i grow up i want to be a dj on a pirate radio station that illegally broadcasts the accounts and descriptions of major league baseball without written permission of the commissioner of baseball or the chicago cubs.

and in the background i want to play led zep and janes addiction and motley crue and tsar.

souptree + kate sullivan + britcoal + jack had the right idea, sorta

# | |

do i still have my tiger woods fan in the house? tiger told me that he would dye his hair after i told him that he wouldnt do anything that his model girlfriend didnt like and i told him he was full of shit and yesterday he actually did something relatively non-pussy.

congrats, tiger. you're that much less not an old white man trapped in a africanamericanasian body.

todays george herbert walker bush's birthday.

i dont trust rich people with two middle names.

todays also marv albert's birthday.

why is it that i trust that wig-wearing crossdressing backbiter more than our president and his old man combined?

probably cuz he calls a sweet ass basketball game.

fell asleep last night watching "ice age".

tivo plus hbo is really spectacular. thank you people who created tivo. i love you.

i do.

had a woman subway driver today who was really good. wanted to put that into the record.

last night a good friend, make that two good friends who asked me about some previous post and whether or not i was really sad or really mad or really whatever and i had to keep on saying nothing in there is true. and they would say some of it is true and i would have to say none of it is true and theyd say but... and i would interrupt and say nothing in there is true.

and they would say ok, fine.

and i would say, if youre worried, email me. or call.

my phone rings off the hook. still. so maybe i shouldnta said call.

i have no desire to buy the radiohead cd.

i have no desire to get a dvd player.

i have no desire to see the hulk.

cubs keep winning without sammy so today will be a good day.

hunnh + i miss raymi + jim gilliam

# | |

i want to be a good writer i want to be a good person i want to be a good writer i want to be a good man. i wroter which is weak(r) she wrote back i wrote back she wrote back i wrote back she truth or dared me i truthed and dared her i want to be a good writer i want to be a good blogger i want to be i want to be i want to keep being me.

shes a smart girl its obvious and pretty and confident even though young and smart and pretty and sexy iwant to be someone better i want to do something bigger i want to i want to i want to i cant believe how much i get to. she i hope understood what i was saying but theres no way she could understand what im saying. i want this computer to get fixed soon. the viruses have it pinned down but it keeps moving its head quick to the left cheek then quick to the right cheek, headbutting when the virus gets too close to the lips, tounge slithering out, teeth glistening in the light of the tv.

it might be old, like she isnt, but its just as feisty, just as strong. just as important to this sentence. and this one. and this paragraph. and the next one. i want to be better. i want to be faster i want to be sharper i want to be smarter.

the birds are singing in the moonlight for some reason. are they hungry or horny the palm tree asks itself. faster. faster. harder. smarter. the dew and the breeze and the street sounds and pet sounds, the garbage and the homeless the scarecrow and the rainbow can only hear these little birds sing in the darkness and its not a song they know or cares to know we all just know that its hard to stay i say its hard to stay satisfied for more than a more of that more than this more than that its hard to stay satisfied for more than a minute so keep going keep growing keep working keep trying.

peak upon peak upon peak and youre faster peak upon strength upon rock upon magical. she has a magical smile and courtney love eyes and a voice like raymi thats deep sometimes and grainy. she held herself she did well for herself she called herself a girl she proved her spot in this whirling and whirling and spining and turning i saw the i letter that said that i said i too much. touch too much. touch too much. i i i i too much. you suck too much. like incubus. you suck at us.

i didnt want to meet elvis costello after i met paul westerberg. bruce climbed the fence at graceland, i stood in line at spaceland. sometimes the image the idea the day dream the ice cream is better in the mind than in the orange rind. he had orange rinds all over. he had his hands on his back he had guns in his rack we had guns at his back i said why the orange rinds he said xbi i said no such thing he started crying he said please dont kill me i said answer the question he said i didnt believe you existed i said feel your arm twisting he said dont touch my girlfriend i said you probably should stop moving he said for the weed i said what he said orange rinds orange rinds the whole place smelled of lemon peels i mean orange rinds this years potpourri the devil still owes me he said shes my true love i said this isnt about her quit talking about her you want to talk about her you dont want us to talk to her he said no no i said no one wants or needs her but what of these orange rinds.

and the traffic from her bedroom is like a river except its the 2 she says tea i said nyet she says me i said wait she opened up a baggie and pinched off a peice and packed a big bowl and she said for both of us i thought xbi she said lets get high i thought xbi she said have you not tried i said i could die she said why now why i said xbi shit i said xbi.

no wonder why.

and i woke up and she was smiling i woke up and she was staring i woke up and i didnt know where i was right there with her and with you and with pink tv and dirty clothes and rolled up socks and pantyhose she said you were talking in your sleep i said i dont talk in my sleep she said you were on repeat i said what she said talk to me look at me talk with me look at me i said why are you saying that she says thats what you were doing i said what was i doing she said rhyming and stealing and repeating and circling and running through the strangest lists. i said like what she said you said i want to be better i want to be normal i want to be better i want to be ternal.

she said do you want to write better i said i want to go getter she said do you want to go get her she said i want to go get her.

laencantada + sepi + jarrett

# | |

the gang members, we just found out took the leather goods and their money and their guns and their asses and bailed out early this morning, hours before we, the xbi, had shown up.

so now theres going to be some heads being bashed in because someone told them they were coming, because there was a mess, because there was shit everywhere, and because nobody messes with texas, and because nobody lives after they rat out the xbi.

plus i just found out that my true lust has the wrong birthday.

i try not to believe in astrology but when it keeps coming true what can you do?

shes so cute.

but theyre all cute.

sad thing about astrology being right is that its been so right.

its not like i didnt try either. but all the ones that werent supposed to work out didnt work out exactly how they werent supposed to work out.

especially the arieses.

so cute.

someone just told me that sammy's appeal has been heard and major league baseball has reduced the suspension from 8 days to 7 days.

fuck baseball.

what does this teach kids? do kids get to appeal their suspensions? wheres the kids' union?

so sammy cheats, puts a huge blemish on his career, and gets a week-long summer vacation. fuck you, baseball.

no longer is my fondest wish to travel the world and blog to you about all the wonderful people i meet and delicious foods that i eat.

my new fondest wish isnt to manage the cubs to a world series victory, it's to be the first black commissioner of baseball.

and trust me there will be minorites in the front offices and in the managerial ranks once im the commish.

and you'll see the death of the dh.

and people who cheat will not be given week-long summer holidays.

which rhymes with buck beer friday ladies days.

d-lo + gorilla mask + the ward

# | |

theyve got the strongman competition going on in one of my monitors. first they had a guy dragging a huge ship anchor and chain across sand. now some dude is pulling a semi truck across a parking lot.

even the ladies at the xbi like the strongman competition which is broadcast on espn every morning.

someone just said in my ear that game one of the stanley cup finals got the same ratings as the womens college softball world series. i think america is saying fuck puck.

we like trees but they dont do anything.

nothing other than convert carbon dioxide into oxygen and give birds and bugs and vermin nice little homes in which to live.

i walk past this very large church to the subway each day. the church has a large congregation and lots of volunteers. i dont judge whatever they pray about in their church but i do judge their groundskeeping.

to have so many volunteers they sure have a lot of weeds and ugly plants.

have pretty plants spiritual people.

im not sexist, but i have found myself not liking the rides given by the female subway drivers.

and i miss the goodmorning goodmorning goodmorning subway man. what happened to him?

he'd say things like wilshire/western this is our final stop, please make sure to take all your personal belongings, cell phones, bags, purses, coats with you. and remember youre all kings and queens. have a beautiful day.

wheres that guy?

instead i get these women who brake too hard and who always seem suprised that the normandie stop is after the vermont stop.

theres always this, next stop is.... normandie.

why the pause, ladies?

every time you leave vermont station the normandie station will be there.

also they only tell you that this is the wilshire/western train after they close the doors and head off.

its ok to tell the people before you close the doors. infact tell them a few times and tell them the north hollywood train will come in a few minutes.

im looking at the wind blow the trees.

today we're flying over venice. some gang shit. we're about to steal a bunch of leather furniture after we make our "citizens arrests".

im giving mine to the poor.

i already have furniture.

i played the lotto yesterday even though the odds are against me.

they say you have a better chance of getting hit by lightning. so i figure if you want to get hit by lightning go outside in a storm.

similiarly if you want to get a couple million dollars and travel around and write about it may as well get some lottery tickets.

the gang members dont seem to be at home.

someone wants to go into their warehouse anyway but im telling them that it might be a trap.

so now someone is singing "... caught in a trap, and i cant get back

cuz i love you too much baby."

oh shit, now everyone is singing and laughing

"We can't go on together
With suspicious minds..."

crazy thing is some of these people are about to start shooting at people.

like at any minute.

bitchen photo essay from the dells+ wKen + sumo-pop + allison

# | |

yesterday was a weird day because it was my bestfriend's birthday and i didnt even get to see her.

i once saw a thing about this hundred year old woman who lived in this big building of old folks and she would go to the drugstore for all the other old folks and she picked up a hobby when she was 50 and then picked up another when she was 75 and then a different one when she was 90. she said that one reason she was able to stay healthy and happy was that she didnt resist or fight change.

if someone that she loved died or moved away, she wouldnt let it bring her too far down. she rolled with the changes. she said that in her 100 years she saw so much change it was insane and just flowed with it all.

i think about that old lady a lot. not because im interested in living to be 500 years old, but because she seemed happy throughout her whole life, and because i dont do as well with change as i'd like. especially with old girlfriends.

i suppose i am still carrying a torch for my ex, which i know is dumb, but its the pattern that i repeat time after time. and i know in my heart that all it does is take years off my life.

not in a mortal sense, but in a real sense. if you close your heart to the world for even a half of a year after you break up with someone then youve taken half a year off your Life, and my pattern has been to go years without giving any of the fine ladies of america a real chance after a break up.

historians might go back to my archives and see that i picked up the hobby of blogging right when my true love and i were breaking up a few years back. and others might say that i started dating ashley immediately, and clipper girl and others, but the truth was my heart was still with yesterdays birthday girl. we talked on the phone every day and hung out at least once a week.

i dont know why im writing about this.

this is boring.

im trying to get my courage up to ask the hottest girl at work out for this weekend.

lets see what my astrology says.

Libra Horoscope for week of June 12, 2003 by Rob Brezney

When I'm mountain-biking on the ridge, I usually stick to the relatively smooth parts of the dirt trails. Now and then, though, I head straight towards the most jagged bumps and deepest pits. It feels good to test my sense of balance so dramatically -- to have to make countless split-second adjustments as my bike rumbles over the rugged terrain. Far from being a hardship, the sensation is exhilarating. I do it on purpose because it's fun. From my analysis of the astrological omens, Libra, I reckon you're now in a phase comparable to the one I just described. May you enjoy every minute of the wild ride.

I guess that means go for it.

okay, i'll go for it.

blog blog blog + the new and improved la examiner + la observed

# | |

# | |

if i was sammy sosa i would say to myself, why the fuck am i playing baseball right now?

arent i supposed to be suspended?

didnt i get totally lucky that all eyes were on me and wrigley and my bats this weekend, and i survived it and my damn team even went two outta three with the bronx bombers, why am i in baltimore?

if i was sammy sosa i would tell the commish, please lets just do this right now.

nobody has any class any more. thats the problem,

drudge.

these two guys were obviously cheating, i should say, are still cheating in one of my fantasy baseball leagues.

you know what you get when you win a yahoo fantasy baseball league?

the screen says congratulations to your team name.

so why would you cheat?

anyway, i delivered a few choice lines on the message board because actually playing in the league isnt nerdy enough, i actually am active in this league.

and i told them how they were cheating and how their trades were horrible and then i signed it, nice work, sosas.

im not taking all of this very well.

i wish sammy had just said it was planted.

or he never did it in the first place.

i also wish my tivo knew how to understand the mlb package on directv.

i also wish that the new tsar record would hurry up and come out.

i also wish the hottest girl at work hadnt been so cute today.

if there were three books that i could recommend sammy read this summer

the first would be vurt by jeff noon, psychedelic sci fi from the uk.

then i would say cruddy by lynda barry, funny sad wonderful

then i would say read genesis

then i would say read ten bukowski poems for good luck.

# | |

remember when beck was cool?

ah, memories.

got on the bus this morning and tried to read the article that Los Angeles magazine wrote about taking the bus around la. of course there werent any pictures, just illustrations, because using public transportation in this town is good but only in theory. lord help you if you actually got near a bus to write about it.

for some reason they chose to ride the bus from northridge to long beach which are opposite ends of la county.

dumb.

why must i constantly fix the entire world?

what they should have done was take it from the valley to LAX, or from long beach to staples center or from east la to santa monica pier, you know, actual trips that people would possible make if they knew they could. (you can).

if youre dumb enough to live in long beach and attend cal state northridge when theres a perfectly good cal state long beach minutes away, then you deserve to suffer.

regardless, los angeles magazine just proved what we all knew long ago, if you want any info about taking the bus and or rail and or subway in la, you need look no further than the busblog cuz i wont bog you down with bullshit theories about "what if you wanted to go from A to Z" cuz i actually go there. and its not a big deal.

in india people ride on the outside of the trains, they ride on the top of the trains, ive even seen pictures of some very talented commuters riding under the damn train. right now if i wanted to i could get to any part of LA within an hour for free because i have a bus pass.

ok, maybe it would take a little more than an hour. and it is lunch time. and it might take well over an hour if things are fucked up, as they often are, but people are often times pleasantly suprised by where you can go and how easilly you can do it if you actually open your eyes and give it a whirl.

for example. today im eating lunch at the la county museum because its crappy outside and i like to be inside on crappy days.

if i wanted to go to the airport right now i could take the rapid to the red line, the red line to the blue line, the blue line to the green line and then the shuttle to LAX. only because i would have to change trains would it take me about two hours. and since one of the transfer spots is in Watts, its not the most popular route among the non-xbi crowd.

which is why i suggest taking the 720 to santa monica and taking the Big Blue Bus ($.75) to the transfer station by the airport and then the shuttle.

when i first moved here i heard that david byrne took the bus all the time, and i thought he was super cool for doing that. then i heard brian eno was the same way. then i heard that beck took the bus and then i heard it was just a rumor.

i think beck should go back to riding the bus. his shit was better then. elvis costello said he wrote most of get happy by taking the bus down santa monica blvd and just looking at the store fronts.

i think elvis should go back to riding the bus too.

i saw a great thing on shane mcgowan of the pogues last night on the sundance channel.

that guys so drunk all the time i hope he is always on the bus.

i dont know what i want to do with my life any more.

a lot of the people on the bus are mexican, and most of the drivers are black. so since im black maybe i should drive a bus?

what id rather do is drive a limo.

but what id secretly rather do is just write and write and write and write.

karisa called me at work, and then chris did, then jeanine did. i called karisa back but her sister allisa answered and i was all karisa? and she said no, hold on. then karisa said tony? i said hi! she said me and my sister are just sitting here by the pool and i said i cannot stand up. and i really couldnt.

the newly designed la examiner + hollywood mogul brian linse + some people do like my poems

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no i didn't win any webby awards the other night. but i don't do this for the awards. i do this so the hot babes will write in and tell me that im the man.

ladies of the place im calling out to ya.

last night welch interviewed me as i did my laundry. it was fun. i heard myself on the tape recorder and i sound like an olde man on the tape recorder which might explain why the princess of sweden doesn't want to have a secret affair with me any more.

she says she hates to admit it but it would be scandalous if we dated since im not swedish.

i told her that i understood, but that it was, of course, ridiculous.

i asked her to tell me that it was my bo or my thinning hair or the fact that i have thousands of baseball cards in my closets.

she said, no, that she liked me.

then she asked me to direct connect, so i direct connected, then she sent over a picture of herself and i said, please, i don't think i could take any more.

the princess of sweden, you understand is very beautiful and we got along very well.

i told her that when i was in school sometimes i wouldn't be able to date certain girls because i was Black, and once i turned 100 i wasn't able to date other girls cuz of my age, but this was the first time i wasn't able to kiss a girl any more because of national borders.

she said she thought it would be wrong. she didn't want to deceive her family and friends.

i said but its something i cant control, my lack of swedishness.

she said she just didn't think it was right.

so i excused myself from the chat and cried a little tear and then a different princess, the daisy princess called me and left a nice message on my machine but i doubted her intentions. i doubted whether she was truly missing me or simply jealous and hurt that i had written that i missed karisa and that i was about to say nice things about chris on her birthday and that i hadn't said anything nice about her in a little while.

and then i microwaved a tv dinner because ive been eating like a pig, and then i typed typed typed on my computer in hopes that the webbys would pay attention to me one day.

oh, webby awards, i typed, please wont you notice me.

and then i cried a little tear, and then i fell asleep to pauls boutique

and i woke up to a line that sounded like

dumber than you'll ever know

and ive been caught cheating like sammy sosa.

then i went back to sleep and woke up and remembered i didn't need any princess of sweden.

that i was the fucking man.

and then i remembered that i really wasn't.

the ward + fearful symmetry + sara called me cute

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today is my true loves birthday and the bells should ring and the kids should be let out of their cages and the birds should sing and the skies should let the sun shine in.

i first met our birthday girl on a hayride in malibu.

she wore granny clothes back them because she wasnt so sure about showing off her bod, which was hot, and is hotter than the picture tries to project, but photography doesnt have enough curves to show you this young woman's incredible physique.

and the web doesnt know how to capture and translate heart. and christine rene is all heart.

boobs and heart.

gorgeous blue eyes, a sharp mind capable of 400 pt scrabble scores, a tantalizing neck, pure heart and nice boobs.

and patience.

this gurl stood by me for five years.

i got fired once while i was with her, i started my own business, i also sold hot dogs, i watched way too much tv, i didnt take her out nearly enough, and still she was patient.

i told her secrets to her parents over the holidays, i made her best friend not talk to her for a while, i barraged her with kisses and bad breath and constant i love yous and still she was there for me even after i moved to la and left her behind with my 15" cerwin vegas.

i love this girl america and she will even put up with me saying so on the internet.

thats love.

she will put up with it even though she has a new man. a taller richer handsomer man who has actually done something with his life other than interview people hes never met. shes no dummy.

she called tonight wondering if the anna interview was about her and i said how could it be about you she said she didnt know i said chris i love you, i would marry you right now. i got no problem with you.

she said i know.

i said, so you'll marry me?

she said no.

thats how we talk to each other. its like birds in the night.

coo coo?

plllllooooo pllllloooo.

coo cooo?

plllloooo plllloooo.

for a while my coo coos were answered by her cooo coos and magic was created and i know that that doesnt last forever. and even if it does last, not everything lasts forever.

except true love.

which i still have for her.

and i always will.

till the last maggot eats the last bits

of my dumbass heart.

sleeping + toobin + nice shirt + at ken and lauras wedding + last days + old chat

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[ ring ring ] hi tony, are you still mad at me?

yes.

im glad at least that youre talking to me.

im not talking to you, its just hard to have a bloggy dialogue with just one person talking.

im sure you could figure it out. i always thought you were an amazing writer.

flattery, anna, in this case, wont get you anywhere.

well this is a first.

insulting me isnt going to get you anywhere either.

tony, please. lets be adults about this. im in love. you always told me you wanted me to be in love. even if it wasnt with you.

yes but i didnt Mean it.

i asked you to be my boyfriend a million times but you said it wouldnt work out.

i said it wouldnt work out until after you retired from tennis! i didnt say it wouldnt ever work out. and i certainly didnt expect you to go get married just because i wasnt going to be your boyfriend for a few years. now youre probably just going to retire, spread your legs for enrique and crank out a couple hundred cuban kids.

ok, number one, fuck you tony. number two im in love. number three youre disgusting and he isnt even cuban. number four im not retiring any time soon nor am i having any children any time soon.

shove your nors and your mexican has-been right where the sun doesnt shine. which will be difficult with you, anna, cuz ive seen you sunbathe and the sun shines everywhere.

i dont know why you have to be so mean about this. i dont remember you being mean to your other ex girlfriends. infact all you ever do is talk about how much you love them and how great they are and how much you all get along.

they never ran off with some limp wristed busboy with a zit on his cheek.

omg! you dont even know enrique. how can you say these things?

i could ask you the same question.

what question?

i could ask you how you could frigging MARRY someone who you dont even know.

i know him, tony. quit being jealous. and i love him. and what i do in my life is no longer any of your bees wax.

i give it four months.

dont be so cruel! why would you say that? enrique and i will last forever.

no, i give your tennis career four months, then you will retire. i give your fake marriage three months. then you will get pregnant then he will divorce you because he's gay and knows that he didnt do that to you, and then you will come running to me to be your babys daddy, but im not going to do it.

i hate you tony.

and i hate you anna. youve broken my heart. ive given you all the freedom in the world and you just spit in my face.

listen to you "i let you..."

i Did let you. every other motherfucker would have blown a gasket with you galavanting around. dating this guy, being in that guy's video. i was never jealous i never talked shit, in fact all i ever did was support you, especially when you were down (which has been most of your career) and especially during your latest injuries and most especially during that penthouse thing.

i knew you would use all that against me.

no one is using anything against you. i was there for you and what did you do to reward me, you got married to a one hit wonder. to some dudes son. why didnt you just marry george bush.

george bush is married, tony.

so youre saying you... forget it. its over. dont ever call me again. dont talk to me. dont email. dont write. keep the carrier pigeons, keep the cds, keep everything.

i see you have taken me off your blog thing.

and i have rubbed you from my heart.

i dont care what you say, i will continue to be your friend no matter what. even though youre being so mean to me. i love you and i always will, tony.

i hope he comes out on your honeymoon.

hello, this is our honeymoon and he has come, but not out. thank you.

only cuz hes thinking of rupaul.

[click]

flagrant the agent + treacher + gunge

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critique this artwork, please



and if you cant do that, tell us what you see

(p.s. dont be shy, i didnt paint it)

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ive seen enough of these naked bodies. it's not art any more to me. it's not punk rock. it's not an acheivement. all it is is a symbol of organization and planning. which isnt art.

in fact im starting to think that if you have thousands of naked bodies why arent you doing something with them?

have them clean a park. have them pick up syringes on the beach. have them all vote democrat.

but have them get on their knees and bend at the back so all we see are hunched backs? i dont get it.

if the artist is saying that the human body is beautiful and dramatic and grand in large numbers, prove it. have them show their naughty bits.

have them kung fu fighting.

have them all playing chess. have them all playing twister. have them all typing on typewriters writing shakespeare.

have them all curing aids.

art isnt what it used to be back in the day when everyone was painting their asses off. now they have people showing their asses off, so i say lets see a thousand moons over miami. i mean, seriously. what is the damn use if youre not going to use it?

must i solve all the worlds problems?

you know my problem today?

my problem is that i miss karisa today.

i missed her yesterday too. we dont really have set days that we hang out or talk on the phone. but usually on sundays we'll talk and talk and sometimes hang out.

but this week shes on the east coast on top secret assignment. away from me. and because of this the clouds are gray.

june gloom indeed.

luke ford + frost + tha weissblog

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jewel thinks she can get on the busblog by dressing like a ho but its not so.

you can get on the busblog if youre writing good songs, or singing good songs, or shredding on guitar or dressing like a skank ho, but a normal ho isnt such a sure thing as the normal ho look can be found in any window in the mall these days.

jewel. didnt you have a poetry book a year or two ago?

it makes me sad when pretty girls think that they have to slap their bitch up and dance the seven veils for us at halftime of an nba finals so more units can get rung up at the virgin megastore. at what point do you look yourself in the eyeliner and say its time to crawl back in the back into the minivan with your mom and drive back to alaska?

people think that mariah became the best selling female artist in history because sex sells. mariah became the best selling female artist because she can sing her ass off And because sex sells. its the one two punch. if you only have one or the other you dont have mariah you either have a good singer or a ho. neither are guaranteed to sell.

jewel knows better than this. eve six knows better than this. mtv and even david stern knows better than this, but they keep hoeing out america teaching the kids the wrong lessons and putting things on the tv that we dont want.

we do want sex. we do want sexy singers. but we dont want jewel. we want lil kim. we want xtina. we want traci lords. you people know who we want but you give us these second and third rate falling stars instead.

destiny's child we want. we dont care what jerseys they wear. britney will do in a pinch.

the laker girls are always good. who cares what the lakers do.

but we dont want jewel unless shes in the pages of playboy, or legs crossed with a guitar yodelling something worthwhile.

next time deliver us bjork.

who can sing.

and who might make us actually tune into a jersey / san antonio game three.

or better yet the donnas, who are hot in many ways, who rock in more ways, and show that you dont need to show off your ass to rock a house party.

bukkake pictures + moxie tells all + makeout city

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there might be a day that we sell out, but todays not it. so lets rock.

found myself talking to a writer, a real writer, a writer who could look around his house and see all the things he bought for himself because of typing, and we discussed how to keep the blog fresh, how to keep the flow flowing. how to keep it together. how to make it happen.

and i kept thinking who the hell am i to do anything other than listen. im no pro.

but i do know what its like when there is no flow. and i also know when there is. and i know what its like to have nothing to say for the people of the blogworld. and i know when you want to say everything, but youre ascared of Those Who Will Judge negatively. so that also means i know when i check myself before i wreck myself.

and my advise to him was wreck yourself.

then bring yourself back to life right before their eyes.

think of the blog as your indoor underground all night seethrough plexiglass basement basketball court.

sometimes the hotties find their way down to the gallery and you can see them up there drinking their cosmos and watching you and the fellas three on three but most the times youre just shooting free throws and practicing the baby hook.

a few times a week you should work on your slam dunks. the around the back through the leg 180 switch hands one isnt bad to begin with but the bounce run catch freethrow line takeoff jordan 88 hang timey one isnt bad either.

hang on the rim if you want but its a blog so you probably shouldnt beat your chest too hard.

i like the real world paris a lot because the girl that everyone likes is about 10 minutes away from where i grew up.

i got my braces in her hometown.

and, again, sadly, the black dude is crazy. even though he is from beverly hills. even though his mouth looks just like lionel richie's. even though he says his dad was in the commodores. even though he plays right into my theory that very few kids of rich parents end up normal.

and i liked the hillary clinton interview today.

our president couldnt conduct himself like that and simply answer questions like her. hard questions. personal questions.

and i dont have to tell her life isnt fair.

the senator from new york grew up in park ridge illinois, the same neighborhood where tracy degrazia grew up. who i had a massive crush on when i was an ice cream man, and inspired me to write the stamp when i was twenty one, and who, if any of you know, i would be indebted to if you found.

same goes for stacy goodner, but for different reasons.

i told this pro writer to be fearless as fuck that if what you wrote in a blog lost you money or got you canned or got you in trouble or fucked up your shit then your shit wasnt so great in the first place, or maybe your writing wasnt all that.

his is solid though, so he shouldnt have any trouble.

and its one am, and people have left me nice aol messages, and special offers, but i will turn them all down, cuz i am a good boy

and the only risks one should take

are on the tightrope that we type on that stretches and bounces between snoozable and sensational.

and if you fuck up, just get up.

fussy + kevyn malone + bunnie

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ive been eating and eating and eating and eating. im watching the two hour cubs yankees pregame show on espn classic. the audio is all messed up. theyll probably blame it on the rain.

fine. blame it on the rain.

it's raining cuz the lord doesnt want sammy to play today cuz he doesnt deserve to, cuz cubs yankees regular season games are immoral. epecially at wrigley, the finest ballpark ever made. <