october 31st that is his date of birth today is my favorite beastie boys birthday.

mr. ad rock turns 103 today.

ive been lucky enough to see most of the beastie boys shows here in LA and in frisco and in santa barbara, going all the way back to the together forever tour back in the licensed to ill tour.

i loved that album, the follow up Pauls Boutique, which is a classic. i loved check your head. i loved Skillz to Pay the Billz.

i loved ill communication.

i loved their videos and still do.

i even loved their instrumental album the In Sound from Way Out. i even gave that to my mom.

im sad that it looks like the beasties have sorta lost their edge.

im sad that they dont think its cool to shake up the budweiser cans and slide all over the stage.

im sad that they just dont decide to put out a jazz record or a full on punk record.

and then come back home to hip hop.

im sad theyre not interested in giving rock an enema.

but im happy that while they were peaking they peaked hard and long.

i heart you ad rock.

you are the king.

happy birthday.

# | |

people ask why i dont write about anna any more. i told her that when she got married to that no talent boy bander that i wasnt going to write about her. people ask me if i miss her and i say yeah, of course i do.

people ask if i will ever talk to her again, and i think to myself, but i dont say it, i think to myself, yeah, thats my girlfriend. i dont care who she marries, shes mine. he'll get struck by lightning one day and she'll come running back to me.

people ask if we talk on the phone or anything and i say no.

people ask if we ever send carrier pigeons to each other and i say sometimes, but only on a whim, or when we're drunk.

but i lie, she sends me one almost every day. usually a white one that looks pink in the moonlight.

people ask me why i dont like her husband and i say easy, just look at him, or better yet (or worse yet) listen to him.

they say whats wrong with listening to him.

i say, if i was given the ability to sing, do you think i would sing that sort of crap? would you sing that sort of crap?

i say, if i was married to her, dont you think i would be wearing tshirts that said anna on it.

i would.

and on the back it would say fucker.

they say, but you two seemed to be so in love, and i say to them, so.

and they say, but you two were inseperable for a while, and i would say so were dean and jerry.

life goes on. ask benlo. people breaking up and people getting together is the oldest dance move out there.

people say would you ever forgive her for marrying him.

i say maybe.

but i think no.

people say will you ever be back together with her again.

and i say, of course.

look at her.

shes my girlfriend.

and they say awww thats sweet

but they dont see that behind my back, my fingers are crossed.

time killer + reger + tina

# | |

caption this, please

# | |

truelove: thanks for calling.
truelove: it was so nice waking up to your voice.
truelove: :-)
dumbasstony: youre welcome
truelove: i love you.
dumbasstony: awwww
dumbasstony: i love you too!
truelove: happy halloween!
dumbasstony: how did the food turn out?
truelove: good.
truelove: smells good.
dumbasstony: how do you smell?
truelove: nice
dumbasstony: how do you look?
truelove: pretty
truelove: good
truelove: i think i look more like minnie mouse
truelove: than norma jean
truelove: :-)
truelove: but it looks ok.
dumbasstony: thats cute
truelove: black and white tight gingam capris
truelove: red sweater
truelove: 40s shoes
truelove: fake eyelashes just on the edges of my eyes
truelove: red lipstick
truelove: hair curled
truelove: with a white bow in my hair.
dumbasstony: very cute
truelove: not too much make up
dumbasstony: heels?
truelove: yeah
truelove: 40s heels
truelove: they are these shoes i bought a while ago.
truelove: heels/maryjane type
truelove: very cute.
truelove: :-)
dumbasstony: garters?
dumbasstony: for me?
truelove: hahaha
truelove: no garters my love
truelove: marilyn wore those .. not norma
dumbasstony: you still have time when you come over tonight
truelove: hahaha
truelove: are people dressed up at work?
dumbasstony: yeah, mostly like the gang guys we bust.
dumbasstony: kelly and regis are cracking me up
truelove: good ones?
dumbasstony: they dressed like pam and kid rock
dumbasstony: now theyre dressed as ashton and demi
truelove: hahahaha
truelove: really?
dumbasstony: so good!
truelove: do they look good?
dumbasstony: pro costumers
dumbasstony: i will post some pix hopefully
truelove: cool
dumbasstony: can i post this convo on my thing?
truelove: no
truelove: :-)
truelove: if you want
truelove: whatever.
truelove: just a goofy convo
dumbasstony: i love you so
truelove: i love you too.
truelove: very, very much.
dumbasstony: xoxoxoxo
dumbasstony: have fun today
truelove: xoxoxoxox
truelove: you too!

moxie + madpony + this means whore

# | |

happy halloween, kiddies. one of the few holidays that we celebrate here in hollywood.

today i put on my blogger hoodie and pretended to be an a list blogger. one kid pointed at me and said, hey, it's jim treacher! another kid said, nah, its andrew sullivan!

i punched both of them, stole their candy, and kept moving.

nothing cuter than high school freshman kids squirming in agony on a city street corner in costume moaning my eye, my eye.

got into the office and almost everyone was dressed up as gang members, which is funny, sorta. its easy though to dress up like that since we have a lot of their stuff in the cage. sad thing is they were dressed as specific gang members who we had either busted or were planning on busting or stealing from.

one fat guy really had this mexican dude down perfectly.

if only they knew that their images were being celebrated in a way inside the secret offices of the xbi superhero hq.

last night i was a little sick. i wanted to go walk down hollywood blvd and get a stuffed animal, a lion, and put it on my shoulder today and have blood coming down his mouth and down my neck.

i wanted to get a white suit and put glitter all over it and be roy. but i was sick.

i took some echinacea and went to sleep early and woke up this morning feeling on top of the world.

thank you hippydrug. asiandrug. whatever sort of drug you are. thank you.

my computer is still broke, cub fans. my home computer. so if you dont see any updates this weekend its cuz my bro hasnt hooked me up yet. he does it for free and does it wonderfully so we cant blame him. plus he works in the day and rocks at night with my favorite band, and in the order of importance i wouldnt want it any other way.

so if i forget to tell you on monday, Tsar is playing at the Silverlake Lounge in Silverlake on 2906 Sunset Boulevard Monday night.

and if i forget to tell you, i thank you for reading my dumb blog.

its very nice of you.

drikoland + splinky + oliver willis

# | |

have i told you that i have the greatest friends? i do.

and some of my friends are not only great pals, but sage advisors. amy langfield (pictured) is someone whose ideas i always take to heart.

recently she has been pushing me to retire from the xbi and join her into the world of journalism.

i keep trying to tell her that journalism isnt ready for tony pierce and she tells me that im wrong, so wrong.

i told her that im far more interested in blogging and that i believe that blogging could be a professional gig very very soon, so she asked me to write up a proposal for playboy and blogger to which i posted yesterday.

this morning she wrote me an email saying that she loved both proposals and suggested that i write one every day.

since amy was the editor in chief of the nexus when i was writing three articles a day, she was quite aware that i would never turn down an assignment, so here goes.

dear chicago cubs,

my name is tony pierce.

i think you should have a blog.

i know you probably dont know what a blog is, but thats ok. i do. and i will write it for you.

basically its like a newspaper column except its on the web and there are links that will take you to different web sites. and its chit-chatty like this, and its run and gunny like this, and it's quite probably the future of rock n roll

like this.

what id like to do in the cubs blog is give people an idea of what it's like to be on the road with the most loved team in sport. what the grind is like, what the lifestyle is like.

how bull durham it is.

of course i would write every day, several times a day. i'd interview the players, the fans, the coaches, the bartenders, the opponents, the celebs, the politicians, the vendors, the parking lot dudes, the merch sellers, the coppers, and the hall of famers, and of course they would all tell me cool stuff that just doesnt make it in the daily paper (that owns you) every day.

but it would fit quite nicely in the cubs blog.

and, no offense, to cubs.com, but theres lots of people who love the cubs who would Never go to a website to read about them because theyre not into the daily sports page thing.

but they would be into the daily blog thing because its different, its more man-in-the-street, but in this case it would be man-in-the-bleachers.

would i be willing to relocate to chicago to handle this one year assignment?

glad you asked.

yes.

yes, i would trade in my hollywood bachelor pad lifestyle and move into my moms basement to cover my favorite team for a year.

yes i would put all my friends and all of the hot chicks who write me and call me so i could follow them on the road and report on all the major league cities and their fans and the good places to eat and the accommodations on the road

because i lubs the cubs.

and this year is the year.

in fact thats that the blog will be called.

the year the cubs finally won the world series.

write me back,

tony

kate's back + science blog!!! + bukkake

# | |

me and karisa were on the phone the other day which is funny cuz neither of us like the phone and whenever we're on we dont hang up. we just sit and blab and blab and blab.

the other night we were talking about beyonce's legs and i am fully in love with beyonce and i couldnt care less about a hot girls body parts since parts is parts, etc.

but beyonce has some thick thighs and i cannot lie.

so because the world is far more judgmental about body parts of sexy sirens, i was telling karisa that beyonce needs to either quit dancing so much that her legs look so mighty, or she needs to stop wearing skirts like the one pictured.

and then karisa reminded me that in her Crazy in Love video she was wearing pants, and she still looked sexy cuz beyonce is one sexy beyitche.

and i knew i was probably going to write about this because i know there are lots of girls who would do anything to look like beyonce, thighs and all, and i cant blame them.

and i also wouldnt blame some if they misunderstood this to think that unless a woman is anorexic shes not attractive.

thats not what im saying.

what im saying is j.lo has a booty and we all love her, she might be the most famous woman in the usa right now.

what im also saying is beyonce has some legs that i wouldnt mind wrapped around my ears (with the expressed permission of jay-z, of course), but she is pushing the limits of what we typically see from our 22 yr old songstresses.

im ready for that jelly, but is iowa?

i know, i know, fuck iowa.

especially since beyonce would be the hottest chick in des moines, without question, even if she was 15 lbs of muscle heavier.

so yeah, when i say that karisa and i blab and blab about nothing, this is exactly what im talking about.

noah + ryan s. + muscle 68

# | |

my buddy says he doesnt believe my comments. i keep telling him that although nothing in here is true, theres no way i would mess with the comments other than delete the racist, and/or stupid ones.

and i must admit that i have a hard time believing some of the praise that gets heaped on me, but im getting used to it, maybe thats not the word, more comfortable is probably the phrase.

but i do need it.

i have terribly low self esteem.

hot young girl from an exotic land took me up on my dare and called me last night. cute drunken breathy voice.

i cant believe im talking to tony pierce, she said more than once.

love that.

i have a feeling she wanted to talk dirty but you wouldnt want to have someone tape me talking dirty and posting that shit as an audblog post, would you?

i wouldnt.

i can talk a good game on the phone. especially if the girl has a few things to say. but, come on, i dont even know this little angel and it could have all been a goof.

then my girl linda called. everyone called last night. it was nice because my home computer is still at my buddys house being worked on, so i found myself at home playing playstation, flipping through the tivo, being bored as hell.

i love writing, and i love working on my website and blog when i come home. i have so much to write and it's totally freaky when i cant write. its like not having electricity or not having running water.

so the phone rang all night and last night i answered it for once.

linda was telling me this terribly romantic story of her and this guy she just started dating. i love linda. shes a prison guard. she kicks ass.

so the story that she was telling me started getting really graphic, and i like to do my dishes when i talk on the phone and i havent done my dishes in a while so i just let her tell her story which was pretty amazing.

problem i had with on the road was it wasnt dirty and it wasnt even in the least bit sexy. life is sexy. sex is sexy, sometimes. i had all these high hopes for kerouac and their freewheeling sixties adventures and maybe he was staying in the closet, maybe he was trying to be too cool, but i wanted more. i wanted a little spice in my chili. i wanted a little edge.

then anna kournikova called and im not talking to her. but she called and i still had some dishes to do so i picked up.

she didnt have much to say, she just wanted to talk. she knew the fires werent anywhere near hollywood but she used it as an excuse to call and ask.

do you miss me at all, tony?

i have to go, anna.

please dont hang up.

you know i have to hang up.

no you dont, i wont tell anyone.

i will though.

and here i am telling.

and to whoever said that blogger has a blog on blogger.com, if my blog was like that theres no way that any of you would ever come back here again.

and i wouldnt blame you.

cup o goodness + ben's daily blarf + rabbit blog

# | |

sometimes i want to write a post just so i can link some excellent people at the bottom of the post.

yesterday mr. jason sutter wrote some super nice things about me comparing me to jack kerouac, a guy i tried to get into but never did. still it's nice to be compared to someone who everyone loves.

and since jason was so nice to me, while i wait for playboy to contact me, i will offer my services to his fine company, the good folks of google + blogger.

i think blogger should have a blog.

weird they dont have one, huh?

i think it should be a lot like what je is doing at Makeout City except it would have pictures that would either be relevant images or screen shots of the blogs being discussed.

it would be a blog about blogs.

sorta like Instapundit but less about law and politics.

lets say a blog was writing about music. not only would i write about that blog's take, but then i would take that take into a new tangent. same goes about sports. same goes about religion, same goes about life.

the idea would be to write about a dozen blogs a day. then a few times a week have AOL IM interviews with specific bloggers and ask them about their lives and how they put their blogs together.

i think the Blogger Blog should also have guest posts from experts who could give tips on html, photoshop, and writing.

i think the Blogger Blog could inspire other blogs to do things like what the Friday Five does, giving people topics to write about when they dont have any idea but they want to write.

and since google now owns blogger, one of the purposes of the Blogger Blog is to be, in a way, the google of blogs. that would mean that during weird moments like now, the left hand side would have links to LA and San Diego bloggers who are covering the fire. or during, say, the next world series, it could list bloggers from boston and chicago.

the blogger blog in many ways should be the first place that people would go if they wanted a good idea of whats happening on the blogosphere. sure, many blogs already do this, but most bloggers dont have 8 hours a day to take their time and go for it. most bloggers have jobs that keep them from blogging.

typically i would like to spotlight blogs who kick ass at design like my girl over at bluecad, or who end up on tv like my man welch, or who just kick ass in general like mindy who probably doesnt get written about much outside of the cam girl clique, which is sad.

i imagine at some point Blogger will have a blog about blogs, but right now i hate my job and playboy still hasnt sent over a bikiniclad represenative with a contract on a silver platter so i respectfully hereby throw my cubs hat into the ring.

# | |

today is winona ryder's 88th birthday. i know she likes to read the busblog so hi winona, i love ya. keep your chin up, shorty.

went to the quickie mart. got a three dollar sandwich. gave the man a ten. he gave me back two bucks. i love the quickie mart so i figured, fuckit, have a $5 tip. money grows on trees.

still havent heard from playboy yet. wtf?

dont they know that im the assistant editor of what the LA Times called the most entertaining blog in LA?

and i know marc brown.

this is what i would do for playboy.com. steal the idea and i'll kill ya. plus you wouldnt rock it as hard as i would.

playboy.com needs a doorman, a gatekeeper, a welcome mat. a blog.

it needs to be totally Safe For Work, which means tone down all the hoo ha. which means no boobies poking out all over. which totally means no pop-ups.

it needs to be at playboy.com/blog and there someone, me, will write each day about the goings on throughout the playboy empire. international and domestic. there needs to be record reviews, tips for men, movie reviews, interviews with playmates past and present. there needs to be an introduction to next months lovelies. there needs to be rock.

i imagine a black background and verdana typeface.

i see hot people.

there needs to be interesting current events being discussed, pornography laws, internet laws, guest bloggers, head shots, not bikini shots, but sexiness in the pictures that you could leave on your monitor as you walk away from your desk without being ashamed.

there are many many men, i would wager, who would read the playboy blog who might not read the magazine any more and who dont ever ever ever go to the web site. and there are the real fans who read the mag but have no good reason to go to the site. so they think.

the playboy blog will be a haven for all of those men, and the very special ladies. and it will be free.

within the blog posts there would be links to the articles and specials going on in the web site but there will be a disclaimer next to the link that will say not safe for work. maybe there will be a red bunnyhead for those links. pink ones for the safe links.

its all so easy.

there will be sports talk, but not crazy amounts, just enough. there will be discussions about anna kournikova, the hilton sisters, and christina aguilera. there will be exerpts of short stories, there will be ways to subscribe to the mag, there will be ways to get merch.

it will be a real blog for real people who like real things like the things playboy has always discussed and it will be up to its eyeballs in class.

anyway, happy birthday winona.

you can be a guest blogger anytime you want.

crispy duck + dawn olsen + no blood no foul

# | |

ever feel like you just cant do it? super hot chicks surrounded me last night. a few started asking me about my future. i dont see any future. not in a sad way, just in an honest way.

one chick had all these great ideas for me but it was like how some dogs look good in hats and some dogs look stupid in hats. guess which dog i am.

one chick said how come you just dont write all these people and tell them that you want to write for them, and i thought cuz i would end up with the job and look like a dog in a sweater. id try to stick my tongue out and play it off but i would still be someones bitch in a sweater.

some dogs look good in capes. i wouldnt mind wearing a cape for the right place.

dear playboy,

please let me write a blog for you.

amen,

tony

all they show on tv here in LA are the fires. all this girl said last night was no. and sometimes she does that to be funny or coy or whatever, sometimes she means it. i can never figure out which one.

i wanted to just be there in the moment, forget about things like fires and futures and sweaters and hats.

i wanted to think about the lakers and how dominant they were against the super stacked mavericks from dallas but instead i thought about how super stacked this girl was and i asked her if i could do something and she said no and i said can i do something else and she said no and giggled and i felt slightly defeated and put my head back down on the pillow and listened to the bad boys two soundtrack and wondered when i was ever gonna grow up.

most dogs will just shake off the hat and run around with it dangling upsidedown from their collars.

they just want to be naked

n free.

n normal.

n loyal.

if anyone knows, dogs do, that time flies seven times faster than people really think.

and for the record, she didnt say no all night

or all morning.

melting dolls + low culture + mist + budgie

# | |

anyone see weezer on the factor last night, it was sweet.

major props to my man mc brown who called me to tell me that there was a 1am showing incase i was incompacitated and couldnt catch it at the 8pm deal

whatever, the sweetest girl is sex chatting with me and suddenly im not depressed any more.

shes calling me her hero.

some dude called me that the other day too.

how on earth am i anyones damn hero?

all i do is complain that i dont like my job, and write a bunch of crap on here, and steal pictures, and misssssplllll and talk shit about shit i dont know.

and dream.

i dont even rhyme any more.

once again: whatever. shes into me. thats all that matters. it might be a big bogus lie, but its a beautiful one. and i would much rather people lie by telling me that they love me and want me and will make sexy collegegirl sex with me than people who will lie and say they dont like my lies.

the skies are orange and dusty and coughy and bad today. the sun is trying to say hi to me but it cant see me.

here i am sun, im wearing my cubs away hat, the one my truest gave me.

tonight im going to watch the lakers with my buddy tom from way back in the day.

his band was called Rogue Cheddar

they used to suck but then over night they got better.

people compared them to the pixies, but they rocked harder than the pixies.

i miss rogue cheddar.

matt welch + bunsen + layne

# | |

today is the opening night for the nba. the marquee game of the evening will be your LA Lakers against the young upstart Dallas Mavericks here at the Staples Center in downtown tinseltown.

My man Tim from end of the bench emails me asking whats going on with all the Shaq + Kobe mudslinging.

For those of you out of the loop Shaq the other day said that Kobe should probably work on his passing game and getting back into shape for the first few weeks of the season, to which Kobe took offense and said some nasty things about Shaq.

two things are at work here Tim.

first of which is Kobe has always been a troubled soul.

second of which is Shaq has always been a big baby.

third of which is Coach Phil has always given kobe + shaq free reign to be the young bucks that they are, which includes letting them be the flamboyant rockstars that they are.

fourth of which is kobe is facing a life term if he is convicted of ass raping that teenage white girl.

fifth of which is kobe is recovering from two pretty serious surgeries.

six six sixth of which is the Lakers are experiencing heavier-than-normal pressure to win it all because of the unprecedented moves by Karl Malone and Gary Payton to move to LA at super-reduced salaries so that they could get their rings before they retire.

seventh of which is Shaq and Kobe both probably dont like the idea that they couldnt win it all without the help of those two future hall of famers.

eighth of which is chick hearn is still dead and very much missed.

ninth of which is dallas might win it all now that they have antoine walker and tony delk.

tenth of which is minnesota has quietly assembled a pretty good team themselves with the addition of latrell sprewell.

eleventh of which is the defending champs san antonio spurs are only stronger since letting the admiral retire and signing Hedo Turkoglu from Sacramento and Ron Mercer from Indiana and Rasho Nesterovic from Minnie and Robert Horry from the Lakers.

so if the question is, am i surprised that kobe is cracking a little under the pressure of possibly not sliding through the regular season grind and making mincemeat of the West in the playoffs while possibly going to jail for life for a fling he had right before he was about to go under the knife?

uh, no.

im not surprised.

and im also not surprised that shaq isnt being super sensitive to the super sensitive kobe.

and i would also not be surprised, tim, if this was just a smoke screen to make people think that the lake show is ripping apart at the seams.

a distraction from the rape charges.

and a fakeout that the lakers are so damn deep that its scary.

watch karl, gary and shaq destroy the mavs tonight on tnt.

floor pie + popie + end of the bench

# | |

i get the best email

Goood Morning Tony,

This is my first cup of coffee of the day e-mail, so it could be scary.

Just followed some links from your coments to the SD fire by a guy who suddenly decided to get on the ball with his sucky SD Bloggers website. Takes a little crisis for people to figure out what they can do with their technology, huh?

Show them the way Tony.

After 9/11 I did a few stories for the Times about how the internet handled the event. And I ended up talking to Evan Williams who said whatever, but the main thing that shocked me was that i tried to engage him in a conversation (dear to my heart) along the lines of how he is better enabling the free press to be the nexus of a democracy. and was that a goal when he set out? and maybe he took a nap during my question, but he was all groggy and said something like he had only recently started to think about those types of implications and he felt humbled by it but that he wanted to think more about it, and he's just a little programmer guy, and didn't think about what this technology could really do.

There's all this new technology right now Tony, but no great use of it yet. You are so clearly one of the few guys full of ideas. You can show, you can inspire, you can lead.

The thing about not getting paid is key, as well. A few years ago, all the companies big and small could have hired loads of people to experiment with the new stuff. But now no one has the money to do that, let alone the energy to expend.

But you do Tony. Because you have superpowers.

I've finished my coffee and must get more.

Love,

the free world


Good Morning the free world,

i have no superpowers.

im a loser.

but thank you for your support.

xoxoxox,

tony

# | |

1. WHAT IS YOUR Middle name?
hugh (ryhmes with poo), best magazine man ever has that name
2. WHAT kind of PANTS ARE YOU WEARING and what color?
Jeans from Target that i got in palm springs this summer for $8.
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Newscasters blabbering about the many fires. "hey theres a fire!"
4. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
im not telling cuz i posted somewhere on here that the first three are 666.
5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE:
chicken sandwich from Johnnies NY Pizza
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
white. the most worthless of all the crayons.
7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
hot, 90s
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
my true love
9. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
heart
10. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS?
no one sent it, i found it off Pokey's Friendster thing.
11. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
depressed.
12. FAVORITE DRINK?
double baileys rocks
13. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
bacardi 151
14. FAVORITE SPORTS?
badmitten. however you spell it. i kick ass at it.
15. HAIR COLOR?
dumb
16. EYE COLOR?
black
17. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
on my sleeve
18. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES?
angie younger than me, john really younger than me
19.FAVORITE MONTH?
june
20. FAVORITE FOOD?
kfc
21. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Lost in Translation
22. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
my birthday.
23. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
shyness is nice, but shyness will stop you from doing all the things in life you want to.
24. DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
i like scary movies with tragic unexpected sad endings.
25. WHAT 3 FAMOUS PEOPLE WOULD YOU BANG IF YOU COULD?
christina aguelera, monica sweetheart, the princess of sweden (the younger one).

elise

# | |

xbi sent me home today. they could tell i wasnt into it. but i told them fuck it. i would stay and work.

as much as i hate this job, i fight crime so much better when im depressed. bad guys like dogs can smell fear and not like im normally scared, but sometimes i do try to play things a little safer than normally.

not today.

knocked on this bad guys house today. right on the front door. he wasnt home. i knew he wasnt home. his girlfriend was home. knew that too. she had jean shorts on and was holding a diet coke. she saw me and knew and was startled. i told her to chill out. she invited me in. i looked around and sat down on his leather couch.

i told her that she was in great danger and her man was about to go down.

she said, be the first time in a long time.

was it a double entendre?

she smiled so i laughed, then she laughed.

then the dog barked and she yelled at him and he whimpered.

i told her no seriously, the xbi is like that fire we're coming and we're not going to stop until God himself stops us.

it came out right. she got it.

she lit a camel light. great tattoos all down her leg, gorgeously sculptured calf. sparkles on her blue toenail polish. couple of toe rings.

is it true what they say about women with toe rings i asked her.

she exhaled looked at the ashtray and then looked back at me.

it was true.

i wanted to ask her why she wasnt afraid to die but hardly anyone that i have to deal with on either side of the thin black line is afraid of anything except God and the girlfriend of the baddest mofo next to my bosses boss sure didnt show any fear even if she had a whisper of it.

she fiddled around on her white mac laptop and showed me the picture above and asked me where we were on that map and i said we're in hollywood which is inbetween the top fire and the middle fire but closer to the top one.

she took a mental note of it and said why are you here.

i said im here to send a message.

she said whats the message.

i said the message is read the bible and quit being a fuck up.

she asked is that a message for me or for my man.

i said we teach what we most need to learn and i got out of there before a hundred motherfuckers appeared and turned me into a memory.

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some people look great no matter what they do. i always look like a dumbass. this one chick sent me some pictures this morning of she and i one drunken night getting down. shes a photographer. in one of the pictures shes capturing me climbing into bed with her. if it wasnt so embarrassing of a picture i would post it, but its terrible. it makes me wonder how on earth i get any.

but i guess women get lonely too sometimes.

and drunk.

tragically i couldnt get my first girlfriend ever drunk yesterday, she was distracted by the fires. i hadnt seen her in maybe 7-8 years and a lot has happened since then. she still looks spectacular, and is spectacular. she just got her hair cut and it looked like a rockergirl. i loved it. her pale belly button kept playing peekaboo with me as she would reach for things, etc.

there was a time when i obsessed over her. it was weird seeing if she still had that effect on me. she kept getting a phone call from some dude who apparently is tony hawks neighbor who is obsessed with her now. theres a lot to be obsessed with. shes super cool.

some would say that the reason i write stories and type every day is because i used to write her 2-3 times a day and mail the love letters to her. the last time i asked she said she still had a lot of those letters in a box. i wonder what theyre like. i was 16, 17.

her neighbors love her. they were coming over all the time kidding her about her super clean house. i kidded her that she wasnt letting her kids put posters on their walls. we ate rolled tacos and burritos and drank bud light. i know, piss beer, whatever. sitting next to her it tasted like champagne.

after we cruised around the neighborhoods we went to target in santee. it was empty. it was nice. i love shopping with nice people. especially hot chicks. she got some nice little "stocking stuffers" for her kids. who gets their kids stocking stuffers before halloween? great moms. thats who.

i had brought down my old playstation for the kids. but i forgot it in my trunk.

i failed those kids twice.

first i wanted to kiss their mom against her minivan, then i forgot to flow them the grand theft auto and the playstation cuz i was concerned about traffic.

tonight i have to return my rental car.

ive had it two weeks thanks to the bus strike. thats five hundred bucks to you and me.

but mostly to me.

gods lonely man + 5ilver + splink

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mariah caught me at the wrong time last night. i was sad cuz my computer was broken and my dreamweaver was corrupted and i was tired and i really didnt want to have to go to bed early to wake up and get into the xbi in the morning.

she said, come work for me.

i said, nah.

she said, you dont think you could work for me?

i said, no, i dont think i could work for you.

she sighed and agreed. then she asked what she could do to cheer me up and i told her that i always liked it when she would send me pictures of herself and then i remembered that i didnt even have my Outloook working to receive any damn pictures that she would take and i slammed my fist into the bed, dropping my phone accidentally, and, of course, breaking it.

she called me on my cell phone and she could tell that i had been crying.

i was falling apart.

busses were on strike, grocery stores on strike, fires everywhere, cubs...

she said why dont you just hang out with me on tour and write about it.

and i woke up.

it had been a terrible dream.

my phone however was on the floor, broken. my computer kept starting and restarting. and when my cell phone rang, the little display said Mariah.

and here i am at the xbi. dull and early.

my astrology says not to bitch this week, to be thankful.

@#$%ing astrology.

always being right n shit.

david janes + everything is wrong + mallory

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right before i left the house on sunday mary called me to tell me that her house there in santee california was surrounded by fire.

when i got there some of the freeways had been closed for about twenty minutes and yep, there was a slow moving lazy ass line of fire munching its way like a search party arm in arm along the ugly brown desert of san diego.

you could only respect it for its potential. but out there a good 300 yards out, a slave to the santa anas and a whole freeway away from any real danger, it was more of a spectacle than a threat.

but then i got closer to her house and i saw the fire had a brother.

a much bigger brother.

of the 14 deaths created by the 10 fires across california yesterday, 12 died in san diego, and i saw why first hand. it was because that shit was everywhere. long lines. lots of little fires that became bigger and then little again like some crazy amoeba crawling across the sagebrush and weeds and clumps of green crap in the midst of a huge sandbox.

the locals were on their roofs, on their motorhomes, on their car hoods, even on top of soon-to-be burning ridges so they could see this slow moving living walking licking hell coming over the mountain for their dirty asses.

the smoke was thick miles and miles away from the flames. the sun at 1pm was high and red as a danger button. pictures are shabby lies that shouldnt be trusted. the sun was red as a bloodshot eyeball across a smokey room. the wind blew without mercy, advertising the inevitable with ash and soot and flopping bits of paper.

people were told to pack their shit up but they dallied. people were told to get out of the forest preserve but they were curious. people were told to drive out of town and they said who asked you.

some met up in grocery store parking lots, or schools. the rodeo was packed with animals.

the rural towns of lakeside and santee are rarely talked about in a positive light when compared to some of the more expensive beachside san diego hamlets but present was a sense of resolve and community in these foothills that sadly only tragedies highlight.

everyone was outside even though 5-6 tv stations showed nothing but fire coverage relegating the sunday afternoon football games to a tiny picture-in-picture box in the corner.

and once they were out of their homes, they were talking to neighbors, answering their phones which rang non stop, cell phones, home phones, two way pagers.

people in cars arrived to spread the news. apparently the little brother did jump the highway. the 15 was now closed.

paper nose and mouth masks appeared on people. simple white ones that you'd see on a painter, or a manicurist. some kids wore bandanas. goggles were a good idea.

soon people found that their neighborhoods were without power.

the sprinkling of the roofs continued. people were told to fill their tubs with water, and their sinks, in the case of loss of water pressure. some people put lawn sprinklers right there on their roofs. i loved those people the best.

everyone was talking to each other.

some people were crying.

some people would say i know someone who lives over there pointing to where a series of houses were on fire in the distance.

people had places that they could go, but they didnt want to go, still some packed things in boxes. most people either sat in lawn chairs or on their roofs and watched with their neighbors.

it was all very very quiet.

welch + sd homies + lago + dancing

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i have a hot date today with a taurus chick. im nervous. im procrastinating.

a date on sunday day? well the bears suck and the raiders are off today, so why not.

plus i still have that rentacar till tuesday.

so yeah, taurus, only other taurus that i get along with well is karisa and we get along spectacularilly.

yesterday she took me out to lunch at the farmers market, one of my all time favorite places. i had gumbo, greens and cornbread from the gumbo pot. i drank black cherry soda. karisa had a ham and cheese crepe. then we went shopping.

shopping with karisa is always fun. i think she tries to see how much she can embarrass me. so first she took us to body works. she put some lotion on her arm and made me smell it.

does that smell good tony?

nope.

she also tries to get me to look at her. so we walked past victoria secrets and she was all, mind popping in here with me for a minute and i got my camera out and said not as long as you dont mind if i document you trying things on for me.

she kept calling these booty panties "little boys underwear" which erases pretty much all the sexiness that the sexy undies had. the ones she wanted cost a lot. i asked her if someone bought them for her from a wishlist if she would wear them. she said as long as they were shipped directly from victoria secrets.

later i wondered if she was afraid that some creepy guy would buy the undergarments, wear them, and then send them to her? chicks. always nuts.

then we went to see if the school of rock was playing. it was, but not till 5 and it was 4:20, so we got the heck out of there and decided to get chocolate shakes.

in-n-out was close by so we went there and walked across the street to the biggest shoe store in the entire world. we took lots of pictures for kristin and karisa even tried on some stripper shoes for me. it was fun. i shoulda bought some shoes.

then we went back to my house, but on the way karisa remembered that she saw my new car. i said what about the hummer and there was an uncomfortable silence and she said, well, it is your birthday. and i said, no, the one we took the picture (pictured) in front of. and she said, no, i found a better car for you.

and we drove down franklin avenue and there it was, a 1979 trans am with an american flag sticker on the bumper.

$3,600.

and we took pictures, got to my place, played grand theft auto 2 and vice city and thought about t-tops.

and now i have to take a shower, drive down to san diego and hang out with a girl i havent kissed in nearly 20 years.

wish me luck!

kitty b + jake + moxie

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