i can be gross. the longer you get to know me the more you get to see how gross i can be.

im sure it's quite a thrill.

the best way to deal with it is to do like my true love does, and just play along.

i remember this story about hunter s. thompson. that someone asked him to sign his classic Fear & Loathing and hunter took the man's book, went around to the back of the house, and shot it with his pistol.

so when my intern told me that she had compiled the best 200 pages of the busblog's second year for me to edit, rework, and pare down to 125 pages, i told her thank you for helping out with blook two.

and when she asked if i would autograph it i thought of the good doctor and asked her if she would like a special signature.

thankfully, she declined.

From: your intern
Subject: hi, jonas
To: dumbyou@tonypierce.com

hi mister pierce!!

ok, so it's done. it's 2:30 a.m. which by college girl standards is technically friday night, so here you are.

i hope you are happy with the entries i've picked out because i really gave them a lot of thought, maybe even more than necessary.

i started with the august 7 2002 post which was a perfect beginning and ended with august 8 2003 bcz that is the date you got published on the fox sports site, it seemed like a great ending for blook 2 to me.

there are 199.5 pages and it was quite hard to cut it down to that but i did my very best for you, tony pierce, because i adored the busblog ever since the first email i sent you wanting to be your intern.

i can't wait to get my very own autographed, free (and cum-free, but thanks for offering) copy!

i think i did a pretty good go-over check-through but let me know if you need anything else, i will be mondo busy this weekend but available at the middle of next week for minor changes, etc.

you love me?

xoxoxox,
your devoted intern

that broken girl + perfect gallows + leah

# | |

caption this, please

# | |

when you're 110 like i am sometimes people want to hook you up with people youre own age.

i met charlotte (pictured) the other day at the glenellen senior suites and villas the other day when i was traveling through north lima, ohio. and she looked pretty good.

sunday she will turn 114.

some say she is the oldest person in the world.

she asked me if i could give her a pearl necklace and i was all, i love taking requests.

so i gave her one.

pictured.

old lady jokes are tough but what isnt tough these days.

my lady friend from last night was waiting for me to get out of the shower and off the phone and she saw an instant message pop up on my laptop, so she answered it.

the chick was the web cam girl from the other night and the lady friend entered into a dialogue with her.

it was pretty hot.

i tried to retrieve it from my cache but this is all i could nab:

missmontreal: you really are gorgeous, and I am not saying that in a hitting on you way
cambabe: Well, I'm hitting on you.

people think that i would get jealous, but it takes a lot to get be jealous.

how could i be jealous? two hot chicks getting into each other? what if one made the other leave me for the one? whatev.

theres so much lust in the world, but so little true love, if two hearts meet via my lil IM window, then so be it.

hopefully they'll invite me to their lesbian wedding.

its friday america. the day of rock. its sunny today and not that cold, but i bet theres still some slush in the hood, so thats good.

the boss is getting us some pizza for lunch. the ladies are asking me what im doing this weekend, i know what theyre trying to do, theyre trying to get me to ask them in return, but i play dumb and go, not much, writing a novel, writing a blook, staying up late, a lone, waking up early

alone.

the mta says that they will open up some bus service on monday on vermont and wilshire which happens to be my route.

the world is crazy.

remember to dance.

thats what charlotte taught me.

# | |

last night was super rad. i want to thank virginia for inviting me on her sweet ass radio show. i had such a great time. she is such a good host. i felt very comfortable.

we talked about sex drugs rock drinking college life blogging chicago joliet the cubs california greg mcilvane bil clinton maryland crabbing college radio we even said a few curse words cuz we could.

then i prepared to make my big time announcement and her studio audience made trumpet sounds and i told her and everyone listening on the internet and all the ships at sea that yes i would come out with a sequel to last years best seller, Blook,

and it will be called Blook II: For Your Ass.

and man, did people go crazy.

the girl i was with went crazy, the neighbors started yelling, dogs started barking, people came over and knocked on my door, spotlights got turned on and began moving around, fireworks exploded, elephants stomped, midgets flung confetti,

i even think i heard a twenty one gun salute.

it was so awesome being on the radio last night that it really made me want to get an internet radio show, it really made me want to do something with my life, it really made want to dance around my apartment, which i did. and my lady friend laughed.

then my true love called me and i needed to shower because my lady friend was smiling but you could tell

so i went into the shower and my truest was crying, so i took my shower while on the phone and america its easier than i thought it would be. i just didnt wash my hair.

then ashley called wondering if something on my blog was true and i was all, ashley, come on now.

and she was like, it just sounds like you replaced me so fast, all these girls, all everything.

and i was all, nobody could replace you ashley.

and then jeanine called telling me about axel's birthday.

and then my lady friend rang her little bell which meant it was time for the smoke machine and the black light.

and the jello

and the aerosmith.

blook 2 will be on sale, next week, here on the busblog, just in time for Christmas.

for your ass

virginia celebrates her blog turning 2! + greg mcilvane's video called Virginia + pull a tony

# | |

i will be making a special announcement TONIGHT on the radio. virginia hawthorne, of virginiaanne.blogspot.com was kind enough to invite me on her college radio show and i will do my best to make the most of the night.

and hey, kristin of madpony.com will also be on the air with us!

a blogger threesome, some might say.

virginia attends Goucher college in Maryland and their radio station is smart enough to let the world listen in via Real Audio.

if you would like to listen to virginia, kristin and i discuss death metal, gangsta rap, legalization, the internet, and proms, please follow this link at 11pm Eastern (8pm Pacific) and click the Listen Now link on the left.

You'll be listening to "The Virginia Hawthorne Radio Show".

and i will have a special announcement.

it will be good news, dont worry.

so tune in, ok?

i gave her some Tsar songs to play so lets cross our fingers that they get on.

anyway, yeah. tonight. rock n roll radio MD-style.

and let me tell you something, if you havent gotten the chance to hear Kristin Pony's cute lil oklahomian accent, thats worth the trouble of downloading RealOne or Real Player or whatever it's called these days.

I'm gonna download it for that myself.

virginia + real networks + madpony + click here for the radio show!

# | |

five inches of snow and hail dumped on south central last night, about a 20 minute drive from hollywood.

i blame the republicans.

the girl from last night is now asking me to get a cam. i told her i would if she doesnt paris hilton me.

she said she couldnt promise me anything.

shes pretty hot so i said id do whatever she wanted.

what do i care?

now shes saying she wants to drive down here from seattle and make a porn with me.

i said, why stop at one?

theres a freedom in not giving a fuck.

i think ive given up on giving a fuck. not in a bad way. in the best way.

who am i so worried about?

howard stern has shown that you dont have to give a fuck and you can still rule the world.

rush limbaugh has never given a fuck - other than by selling out to the right when it was trendy to do so - and he now gets to do bottles of pills, go to rehab for a few weeks and then get his old job back and not have to worry about prison, which is mostly filled with guys who got busted cuz of lots of drugs.

the president doesnt give a fuck about what the voters think, or about the UN, or anyone other than him and his people.

and now even the snow doesnt give a fuck where it lands.

so why do i run around caring so much?

that dude who got to f paris hilton doesnt give an f about her.

the Trib corp doesnt give an f about the Cubs winning the world series, else Pudge would be a Cub right damn now.

and why is it that im the only one who gives a fuck that our supermodel is in Thailand right now and she didnt have a place to stay tuesday night and hasnt updated since?

apparently i do give a fuck.

even if watts did freeze over.

flagrant disregard + spit circle + john & belle

# | |

theres good news and bad news to having more than a dozen readers to your blog. lets start with the bad news.

bad news is, if you find yourself in a moment of sadness and you want to write about that feeling, people will start emailing and commenting with words of advice. which is super nice. dont get me wrong. but sometimes a guy just wants to write about how depressed he is, just to vent.

other bad news comes when the guy's mom reads about how he wants to fling his black helicopter into the side of a mountain. it can be hard to explain to her that what he's writing isnt literal, that its symbolic, dramatic. its not a cry for help. its just representative of wanting the madness to end. it's far from suicidal.

people dont realize it, but there is a certain freedom to not having a lot of readers. you can write whatever you want and people wont pay attention and/or freak out. with that freedom comes room to grow. if you want to dwell on the theme of misery for a week or two, you can. if you're lucky you'll end up writing a morrissey cd. if youre really lucky you'll end up writing a cure cd.

im not a sad person, but i can get sad. im definitely not a pessimist, but sometimes i will pay a little more attention to the devil part of my brain that whispers that everything is not going to be ok. and for some crazy reason, sometimes listening to that part will fuel parts of my personality that can write some pretty interesting sad stuff.

and once that is written i become happy and everythings cool beans.

i will never be elliott smith, america.

i will never take a knife and put it into my heart in one motion and die on a floor in east hollywood.

i am a devout Christian. im a minister. the good book says you dont get to go to the good place if you ace yourself.

but i am a normal person and sometimes i get depressed. especially when the cubs lose in the playoffs when theyre up 3 games to 1 with the last two games to be played at wrigley. and i can totally get depressed when i look around at my place of employment and see my alleged talents being taken for granted day after day, year after year.

with that lets talk about the good news of having more than a dozen readers to your blog on a day that youre depressed.

of course the comments are sweet, and thats nice, but i feel guilty, but its still nice.

but then the random stuff happens like you shouldnt be surprised if a new girl, a great girl, asks you if youve ever used NetMeeting. and you say, sorta but not really, and she shows you how to use it, and you get it going and she invites you to see her cam

and there she is

and shes in a robe

and you go, uh

and she goes theres no reason to be sad today tony

and then she removes the robe and dances around a little.

then she says that she would like to call me.

and then i let her call me.

and there she is on the screen in the net meeting window, on her cam, naked little skinny girl, sweet ass, perky bod, shockingly platinum blonde, oh and whats that, boots. she does have some clothes on. boots.

she tells me that im her favorite blog and she hopes she has cheered me up.

and i say yes she has cheered me up.

and she says great is there anything else she can do for me.

and i say yes.

i ask her to marry me.

and she says of course she will marry me.

and that my friends is a true story and it happened last night.

so fuck the democratic national committee for not getting back to me. all i need apparently is the busblog.

thank you blogger.

mom finds out about blog + jim nichols + PlanetKevin

# | |

im having the worst day. it's this job. it's killing me. when i first joined the xbi they said that it would wipe the smile from my face and it's true.

wanted to slam chopper one into the side of the hollywood sign today. and just when i thought that i got called in cuz it's raining here in LA, and as great as chopper one is, it fucks up in the rain. i dont know why. i used to care. i dont care anymore.

only problem with such a dramatic end is that the dumbass la times would call it terrorism, i wouldnt get to go to heaven cuz it was intentional, and worst of all it would be the end of the xbi cuz the wrong people would find out what we're up to.

its not helping that im reading this kurt kobain book.

its not helping that every criminal and his fucking brother is in town right now for some reason.

doesnt matter how much crime we stop or prevent or fuck with. it doesnt matter how many asses we kick or heads we bash or miracles we create or shit we mop up, it never ends. wave after wave.

its like a toilet that keeps overflowing and it stinks and when youre done the lady says that we fucked up her carpet. its like what?

i cannot be in this job come january. thats my new years revolution. i'll move to georgia if i have to. this place makes me sad and made and it makes me give up all hope.

people ask why i dont send out samples of my writing to newspapers or websites. and they forget that i have done that. ive even gone to lunch and had drinks with some of the biggest entertainment mags in the world. and guess what they reply with. zip.

we dont want your ass, tony.

ideally someone will read this blog, or the site, or an article-- or their assistant will and they'll say, fucking a boss, this is the guy, this is whats missing in all of our shit. and they'll call me up and they'll offer me something and it will get done.

thats why i send out these tongue-in-cheek posts to the planet. thats why i write these s-o-s's to the world.

you are so fucked up if you are the one who has to chase them. so fucked up. they want you to be like everyone else. they want you to be like the associated press. im not like anyone, and im definitely not like the associated press.

how long would hendrix be able to play in the eagles? a day. two days? eagles fans would boo him. im getting my ass booed in the xbi. people like me, but some are like, huh?

they dont get it.

they say, how can you be a crimefighter and you dont want to kill anyone? how can you work for us and you dont want to steal from the thieves? how can you do this work and be a Christian?

and now im saying, shit, i dont know.

i would write for anyone. i would play rhythm guitar for the dumbass eagles with my prince sign o the times guitar and i would sit in the back and waste my life and play c-g-a like a bitch.

this job has made me appreciate sanity cuz there is none here.

its awful.

this chick wanted to netmeeting with me today and i had to say no cuz i was flying back in and she said how about tonight and i said ok and a different girl said i could do her tonight and how can you get those sorts of offers and still be so depressed you just want to take off your helmet and cry in it.

work at the xbi for a while and you will.

i promise.

310-990-7444 + tina + alecia

# | |

theres very little to learn from soccer, a sport so dull and pointless that only the fans are worth watching.

a game thats far more interesting when children are playing.

an activity that donkeys can enjoy, with more interesting strategy.

but i do like this idea of pulling down ones pants if youre upset at your boss or the referee.

78. mist

today i had to kill a spider.

he was in my shower.

i dont like to kill anything, which is ironic because at the xbi we have to kill all the time, and now they want to give me a promotion.

i had to kill this spider because he was in my shower and he couldnt get his way out and he kept slipping and i was all, shit man, and i just pointed the water at him and he struggled, and tried to find shelter on a rubber duckey, but then he balled up and got stuck next to a piece of soap and then the current got him and down he went into the drain.

if i hadnt been running late for my ride in to work, i might have picked him up and tossed him into the garden, but as i say i was late for my ride.

so another mta bus strike casualty.

fuckers.

i dont like killing things because i believe that life is a miracle, and the spider doesnt know that its my house. nor do the flies or the ants or the moths or the antelopes.

so usually i open the door and shoo them away.

and usually they tip their caps and never return.

so today i feel so bad about this spider, so i told ben, who has been driving me to work and back, that i will dedicate this blog entry to my little 8-legged dead visitor.

and ben said that it was a good idea

since most spiders who get dead at the hands of a shower dont get any props.

farewell, lil guy.

madpony + dc + kzug

# | |

even with my two tuner 230 hour tivo i forgot to get dave interviewing madonna tonight.

i was busy listening to the new corvids cd that happened to fall off the back of a truck and typing sweet nothings into little hot boxes of honeys who dont really know me.

i saw a few things written about me today on the innernet and its really nice, but if people want to parody me they cant forget about the love i have for my friends. its sick.

a bunch of them make up the corvids, the new sound of rock.

start off with the rhythm sextion of tsar

then get layne and welch in there.

then let axel shred.

simple really.

its real music, america. its what wilco keeps shooting at but misses beautifully.

its what ryan adams would be if he was better lookin and not so sad.

its what tom petty would be if he didnt have so much money and all that pressure of writing another breakdown.

on one of the songs my girl jeanine sings way in the back. she co wrote it. shes so great.

its what the stones would be like if they werent a hundred and if they still hadnt found what they were looking for.

whats so fucking weird about this record is its so smooth it could be on the radio right now and youd never know that it was recorded over the matter of a few weeks, but thats what you get when youre super tight friends whove been making music together since before the cotton gin.

and axel

damnit man.

i played a few tsar songs for this girl the other night before i sent her on her way for being too cute.

and she was all shit tony!

and im guessing its cuz tsar understands the importance of guitar solos.

fortunately so do the corvids.

which is polish for rock hats.

it makes me want to shoot up with ronnie wood and just stare at keith nodding

it makes me want to start a music video channel and then become a video director

it makes me want to steal i mean find a few more of these off the back of that truck and give them away as gifts.

too bad christmas aint any time soon.

too bad theyre not for sale nowhere.

too bad nobody likes good music no more.

too bad this thing's so damn good.

pre order the corvids "fought down" + layne + welch

# | |

VeryNiceLips: whos mouth is that?
dumbme: our girlfriend
VeryNiceLips: :-)
VeryNiceLips: do you think her lips are nicer than mine?
dumbme: i actually like questions like that
dumbme: some guys fall for them
VeryNiceLips: ha!
dumbme: as they are loaded questions
dumbme: trick questions some would say
VeryNiceLips: its not a trick question
dumbme: some guys would say, no baby, your lips have sucked my deal so well
dumbme: but theyre lying
VeryNiceLips: ewww!
dumbme: the lips didnt really do any sucking
dumbme: the inside of the mouth did the work
VeryNiceLips: but you kiss my lips??
dumbme: the lips were around for the ride
dumbme: ah ha
dumbme: but mostly we french
dumbme: so, again it is the tounge
VeryNiceLips: there is still plenty of lips involved
dumbme: not plenty
dumbme: some
dumbme: but not plenty
VeryNiceLips: hmmm
dumbme: the lips are advertising
dumbme: its the wrapper
VeryNiceLips: ha!
dumbme: its a fakeout
VeryNiceLips: well, we'll see about that. I am taking this as a dare
dumbme: what sort of dare?
VeryNiceLips: i'll prove to you that lips are more than just advertising
dumbme: how will you do that?
VeryNiceLips: i can't tell you that, you might spread my secret to other girls via your little web site
dumbme: ah yes
dumbme: speaking of that, may i put this chat on my page?
VeryNiceLips: haha, sure
dumbme: i will name you, VeryNiceLips
dumbme: for yours truly are
dumbme: all kidding aside
VeryNiceLips: maybe tomorrow...or another day, you can post the results....thanks

# | |

tsar came down from the mountaintop last night to grace los angeles with their presence and they began the evening with the unbelievably dramatic Smart Boys. and let me tell you a little something about the best band in america when they start the fucking show with Smart Boys

when tsar opens with Smart Boys youre in for a hellride of rock.

and it built and it peaked and it ended oops it was a false ending and it ended oops another false ending and then it ended

and that was just Smart Boys

and then tsar opened up a can of whoop ass and destroyed everyone justlikethat.

im destroyed in a nice way.

this one girl likes me, i can tell. shes very shy though so she doesnt send me nudes. i think thats fine. she does chat with me a lot and when she does she likes to talk dirty.

i think thats fine too.

the other day she said, oooh tony, why dont you come over here and let me give you a back rub and then why dont you tie me up and then why dont you just fuck the hell out of me as hard as you possibly can.

tsar's version of the back rub was Smart Boys.

they were inspired last night, america. i dont know why. they played song after song that they usually do as encores. they did two covers in a row right in the middle of the show the 1910 Fruitgum Co.'s "Goody Goody Gumdrops" and the Pooh Sticks's "Sex Head."

i think they played the entire second side of led zeppelins houses of the holy, im not sure, i was floored by the energy and power and majesty of the rock being pummelled into my very being.

all i know is i saw stars i felt footsteps i drank out of peer pressure and then i was driven home by a pretty girl who told me it was going to be ok.

apparently i was crying tears of joy.

it was tremendous.

it was maniacal.

i was introduced to a famous music video director who also couldnt believe his eyes and asked me to pinch him because he could have been dreaming, so i pinched him and he said he needed to reevaluate his life because he suddenly believes in God.

and as my ears were ringing as i said my prayers as my electric blanket clicked on i remembered i hadnt had a chance to say goodnight to

katie + matt + steve

# | |

mariah wants a little attention. that girl always wants attention. i dont know why she wants so much attention from me specifically but she does.

this morning she called and threatened to release our library of sex tapes. i begged her not to.

she said, what do you care, you did me like a porn star.

i said, im far too popular of a blogger to have a scandal like that hit the presses.

she said, but our tape could be out in time for christmas.

im not looking forward to christmas.

i have to work on christmas eve. and i cant go home. and i cant really buy a lot of presents for the poor kids in my neighborhood.

and i cant be with my true love.

and i cant be with my true lust.

so it will be hard to get in the christmas spirit, which my drug store and mall are trying to get me into right now.

and mariah said, see, so lets release our tapes, they could be a dvd box set.

i said, can i provide an audio track of commentary.

she asked, can we both?

i said, why dont i make some commentary on my track, and you sing on yours?

and she said, its a deal.

and then i went to my cupboard and whipped up some brownies,

wrote a chapter in my very slow-developing novel,

burned a cd for my man ben who has been driving me to work this week.

and i uploaded some pictures that i took.

and thats what i did after the tsar show last night.

xero79 + xeni + goobita

# | |

a lot of the youth of the internet email and chat and telephone me to ask for advice. some will even stop me right there in the middle of the damn street.

i always take time out for the kids because like whitney houston i believe that children are our future.

often they ask me about matters of love, stock tips, playstation 2 tricks, or writing secrets.

sometimes they even ask about sex.

infact, it's not unusual to hear something along these lines:

tony, i have this video tape of a hot girl i banged and i dont know what to do with it.

as a matter of fact, the other day someone told me that they had such a tape and they were thinking about selling it on their website.

i asked the young man if he was going to split the proceeds with his costar to which he said thus:

fuck that shit, this bitch is loaded!

which made sense because he was quite well off himself.

but since he asked me, i told the fellow that any time we get any, we being men, we need to respect whats going on. and when in doubt, be gentlemen.

a gentleman, i said, i doubt, would sell a sex tape of a young woman who didnt want the tape out there.

straight up.

infact the general rule of thumb that ive always respected is if a lovely wants any of her naked pictures or videos back she gets them back, no questions asked.

and on top of that, store all homemade porn off of the computer. you do this for two reasons: 1) in this peer-to-peer culture we are lucky to enjoy, you dont want to accidentally "share" your escapades with every pimply faced kid on kazaa

and 2) in the always-on high speed broadband valhalla we're stoked with, you dont want a lucky bot or nosy hacker to break into your box and leave with a folder of your finest hours.

and since even hard drives can fail from time to time, its good to have a backup on a cd. which is a good idea for the rest of your dumb stuff too.

today i received via email the three minute sex tape sample of the paris hilton dealie thing.

paris loves the camera. does now, did when she was 19 and made this thing with rick solomon who directed and starred and is now trying to release it.

i have several questions of mr. solomon.

first being, whys he gotta be a bitch?

hes a handsome, rich, well endowed young man who was married to shannen doherty and obviously got it on at least once with ms. hilton, which probably means he's always done well with the ladies.

so why expose paris like this? we all know shes not a virgin. and we also know shes rich. if he's hurtin for money, just have someone pass the tape over to mr. hilton and name a price.

im sure paris's dad would be happy to write a check for however many millions it would take to keep the tape of his little girl out of the hands of the world and the web.

so why be a dick about it?

you know why, america? cuz guys who are dicks get laid too.

my other question to the director is, whats up with the nightvision? paris looks at the camera, adjusts herself so that she is in the center of the frame, why not turn a light so we can see the poor girl.

number one thing i tell the ladies who send me their pictures: think about your lighting.

a $25 halogen lamp in the corner of a room can do wonders.

trust me.

the number two thing i request of them: switch on the red-eye reducer.

master the flash, think about lighting.

not only is the video dark and green, but when paris looks into the camera her pupils glow like neon, like deer in the headlights, like a racoon in the viewfinder of a rifle held by a man who has caught him in his trash cans for the final time.

as the guy said in the first beverly hills cop movie

thats not sexy.

paris, however, overcomes all of these obstacles and remains one of the hottest babes to ever get documented getting down.

she looks young, she looks skinny, and her boobs look bigger than i would have expected.

and kudos for going down on the guy.

everyone who called her a priss all these years can now only refer to her as a slut.

which she isnt.

shes just loving

and hot

and free

and far too trusting of the man with the big dong

and the nightvision camera.

allison + muscle68 + holiday.htm

# | |

dear democratic national committee,

the repubs are not very happy about me asking you to let me write a blog for you.

they know that if you said yes its over for them.

they want to try to confuse you by bringing up silly questions like "why would anyone pay you $2 mil for a blog."

like they dont spend two mil on the gas for their hummers.

like they dont contribute to the rnc.

like they dont even blink even once when prince george asked for $85 billion to go to iraq and not find saddam and get a couple hundred of our boys kilt.

fuck them and their questions.

they know their little plans are shot to hell and their future is doomed if you hand over the money.

i was thinking i might need $2.1 though. i need to hire charles johnson at little green footballs.

its not enough to educate the world about the impotence of the republican party. everyone understands that other than getting themselves elected theyre basically useless while once in office. even my dog says duh to that one.

but what charles would do is be fearless about showing us who the real terrorists are. the saudis.

one reason the dnc blog would be worth the money would be we'd expose the truth while getting dems elected.

how much is that worth?

$2.1 is pocketchange for barbra streisand and tim robbins and sean penn and bill gates. and if you dont think the rnc isnt hooking drudge up with fat paychecks and a decent sized staff you probably believe that reagan bush didnt trade arms for hostages.

we're through the lookingglass, people.

youre playing this game like its a game, and theyre playing it like its a war. ironic thing is they suck at real war, they cant find saddam, werent even close in finding osama. they have every tool of war ever known to man or beast and they're getting their hats handed to them by serb mercenaries and kids.

sad thing is, when you play this game like a war you play it like the brits did in the 1700s, you stand in a line and wear red jackets, and theyre up in the trees hiding and picking you off one by one.

how on earth could you let them pretend that monica lewinsky had anything to do with whitewater and that whitewater had anything to do with something that should be allowed to impeach a president? do you let people walk all over you all the time?

damn.

anyway, the superheroes have been identified and theyre ready to rock the boat.

$2.1. hurry up.

your dream come true,

tony

jeff jarvis + blogumentary + fimoculous

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im in love with a pretty girl, america. she lives in europe though so that makes me sad. mostly im happy though because she says the sweetest things to me. some so sweet its hard to believe.

she might be the princess of sweden, im not supposed to disclose that.

she showed off the other night with her tripod and her time lapse photography outside her castle and sent it to me.

i was all, hey, thats a lot different than all these other chicks who send me nude pics.

she was all, All of them?

i was all, no not all of them, just the ones who truly lust me.

she was all, well im not just any dumb girl.

and i said, pardon me missy, but these arent dumb girls, theyre great girls and theyre so into it that they get topless.

she was like, i thought you said they got nude.

i said, i meant topless.

she was like, well hell, i can get topless.

i was all, what are you ashamed of downtown?

she was like, nothing, im just not a ditzy slut.

i was all, yeah but how do i know youre not a dude.

she goes, fine. and then bam, nude picture of the princess of sweden. i mean of some eurobabe.

glorious.

spectacular.

our chats get a little racy. apparently princesses, i mean eurogirls, get a little nervous about who they sexchat with and who they send nudes to, so she has had all these dirty things that shes wanted to tell someone for a long time and i got to be the lucky recipient.

so i would tell her naturally, that she was turning me on, and she would tell me that she didnt believe me.

so i told her that i would count every time i became aroused.

she said, please dont put this on your blog or you'll never get a job with the dnc.

i was all, dont worry baby, those fools arent gonna give me two million bucks to save their party, theyve given up entirely. they dont even try any more.

she asked, is it really that bad?

i was all, sadly, i think it is that bad. theyre writing haikus, baby.

she said, fuck.

i said, theyre a shade away from the green party with that shit.

she said, i just got some new knickers.

i said 7

she said whats that

i said every time you get me riled up, so to speak, im going to count. i told you that.

then she told me this story.

8

then she told me what she was wearing.

9

then she told me she lusted me

10

then she told me what swedish girls do on the long dark winter nights while they were talking to american guys via the wonders of the innernet and i told her i didnt have any more fingers to count on.

so she made me a little movie on her little camera and i told her i wanted to marry her.

and she said ok.

but i was serious.

gorilla mask + the ward + beautiful mistake

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i saw duran duran play at the forum new years eve, december nine teen ninety three. adam ant opened and the village people went on at around ten and then duran duran came on. me and jeanine had general admission floor access. it was great.

i remember this clearly because i'd just seen nirvana play there the night before. if you have the muddy banks, heart shaped box was that night.

kurt seemed super fragile that night. his arms were out like ozzy how when he walks.

but when he began a-rockin, all that robert johnson creepiness came out and threw that poor guys body all around and it was magical.

little did we know it in 93, but it was one of the last times nirvana would play in the us.

'93 was also about ten years too late to see duran duran, and here it is ten years after that and they decide to sneak in a comeback.

im old enough to remember a time when duran duran was the coolest thing there was.

when their music was on the radio, or playing in your car, everything you were doing was suddenly classy.

they made an unplugged record on mtv in 93, but they really should make another one cuz that one never got released really in the usa.

if i was letterman, id let them play on the show every night for a week.

if i was whoever their label is, id let tsar open for them. again.

im not a negative thinking man, but i would probably guess that it would be hard to be married and playing in duran duran. imagine the temptations.

the ladies get dressed up to see duran duran.

who the hell did i see the nirvana show with?

anyway, the band that you'd get if you merged duran duran and nirvana together, of course, would be tsar.

and they're playing tonight.

amy has been showing us nyc through her cam phone + gweilo diaries + leah

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today is amy jo goddard's 23rd birthday. a long time ago we were in college together. i think we dated for two or three weeks and then broke up but i chased her for years trying to get her back.

it was sorta like that tv show "moonlighting" and i was bruce willis and she was cybill shepherd. except hotter. and into punk rock. me, i was just a dope.

throughout the years we write together, went to concerts together, experimented with mind altering situations together, held hands A LOT, and even kissed a few times. we also played grunge on the college radio station together. at the time it was the next big thing. i cant imagine anyone better to do those things with.

as ive said a zillion times, i had the greatest college experience i could ever imagine. one of the classes i had was called Diaries and Letters. we read the diaries and letters of Vincent Van Gogh, James Joyce, Charles Darwin, and many others, but we also kept diaries, printed out five days worth on mondays and read and discussed each others on mondays and wednesdays.

this was well before the "Internet" existed.

the class was incredible, and oddly, it was perfect training for this little blog that you're reading today.

many moons ago i wrote this diary entry about the birthday girl about the first time that i asked her to be my girlfriend which i would like to share with you as it encapsulated me and aj's hot and cold relationship with each other as it played out in the unbelieveable setting known as Isla Vista.

june 4

yo cubfans,

it started out as a pretty cool weekend. i was at home on friday minding my own damn business when i hear gentle footsteps run up the stairs and jump on my back. it was linda (the girl i had sex with last). so she hugs me and wants to kiss me, but im thinkin "oh no, im crazy about aj". but me and linda turn each other on just by saying hello to each other, so pretty soon we're on the couch grinding away and im saying, "oh no, linda, im crazy about this girl named aj."

and linda rolls on top and says inbetween bites "who's aj?" and i go "this girl i really like, so we better stop this."

pretty soon we're in my room and shes locking the doors and shutting the drapes and i'm not so sure about what i Should be doing. on one hand me and aj dont really have a set relationship that we've disccused, but on the other hand being Good has been working for me. so i tell linkda that we probably shouldn't, but if you evre see this girl, or kiss her, or have her grabbin, my god, so i threw her in my closet and jumped on her and she goes, "i missed you tony" and i go, "oh fuck, somebody help me out and she goes, "so do you know how much sex we could have right now" and i go "oh fuck" and she goes "too bad im on the rag" and i say "Thank you God!" oh man He was there again to help weak morons like me.

i had a little league game i was coaching with welch in a few hours anyway, so we couldnt of had That much sex. maybe a lot. an hour and a half worth. which is a lot when youre doing it as hard and fast as possible. shes a girl who has unfortunately been cursed with an amazing body. half japanese which gets you those eyes that are so sensual and exotic and sexy and hmmm, and half american which explains the huge cans. combined most guys can only last a minute, so she tells her boyfriends to make that minute hard as hell. and fast.

now i dont want to brag. i have no business bragging, trust me. but i can last more than a minute. if it was a rodeo you should last six seconds on top of that naked bucking animal. its a lot like that as well with linda. ever see people go through their day and not eat and everything is fine and then suddenly theyre Completely Starving and they sit down order the food, wait and then completely devour their meal? ok its like that too. its also like a farmer who wants it to rain on his crops and not only does it rain but a tornado comes and hail and maybe a flash flood or two too. i usually wear a mouth guard and goggles when we have sex. as soon as i get a haircut im getting a helmet.

we wouldnt have had That much sex.

so i threw linda out and got ready and felt pretty rottenly guilty so i waled over to aj's bestfriend's house, this girl named sara, and i tell sara all about it and she said that i should talk to aj about if she wants a "relationship" or not. and i go "oh fuck". the truth is, and everyone knows it, all i want is one girl and i want it to be her, but that word is such a weirdo one, especially since we sorta just started and i dint want to seem too possessive or anything. so during the game old aj and her friend rachel show up and that was nice, but aj lookd dazzeling and i could barely believe that i was on top of another girl only a few hours ago: what was i thinkin? you know, i even forget what she was wearing, but she looked so pure, so good.

later that night she was typing up a paper and i was reading bukowski's hollywood which os let me borrow and i call up old aj and ask if i can read at her place while she typed. she said sure so i brought over some smart cookies and we had some milk with em and talked about rock and roll and stuff and she typed and i read until about 3:30am. her roomate still hadnt come home which made us think that we could push the single beds together, but i was sorta dozing off while she typed, and then her roomate came in, fuck, so aj got these pillows and a blanket and we went to her couch in the front room and slept out there but before we went to sleep i started mumbling about things and she said "what are you trying to say?"

and i got pretty scared and i said "you know, it's sorta fun chasin a lot of girls, but it gets boring after a while and i know this is early, but right now i sorta just want one, and i'd like that one to be you." and she was silent, as usual, and i said, "you know you dont have to say anything, i just wanted you to know that." and she didn't say anything and we went to sleep.

the next morning we had instant oatmeal and played sloshball. it was KCSB vs the Nexus. she played on KCSB's team cuz she's the Promotions Director starting in a few weeks. i played ok. made some fine defensive gems, got a hit (they had literally 30 people on the field, drinkin, so it was tough to get a hit) and they won 11-9. i was plastered. way plastered, so after we went and had some pizza and then went back to her house to finish her paper (i was proofreading it and reading Bu) and during study breaks we'd fool around a little and finally i said, "so what do you think? do you want me to see other girls or do you want me to just see you?" and she said "i dont care, you can see other girls if you want." i felt pretty rotten inside. im prety insecure when i start really liking a girl and there it was.

all of a sudden she started showing me all of these pictures of her - modeling pictures. i didnt know she was a model. in the pictures she had lots of makeup on and pouted and posed and she looked just like very other blonde model in america and i sorta digusted me because she's so much more than that: she skateboards, and writes great, and listens to metal for pete sake. but she said she likes it and likes acting too. oh well, i had her composite on my wall, but i took it down cuz it's hard for me to think that it's her. it's not.

so that night i stayed at home and watched movies. i think i saw "how to get ahead in advertising" and "ghostbusters 2" they were both pretty good. i wasnt all that sad because somebody got me pretty stoned and in the midst of my stoneyness i thought, "fuck tony, if you could have it any way you want, youd have aj *and* linda, wouldnt you?" and i thought "yeah". linda totally fulfils my id. shes insane and drives me crazy, but in a good way. aj's not very passionate with me, and im sure i'd suffocate her if i was always around her and bug the shit out of her... so i thought, if i could still have aj and i had her permission to fuck the hell out of whoever i wanted, it seemed too good to believe and being drunk and stoned didnt help but after i had reviewed my notes i still came up with this answer:

Me x (AJ x X) = fuckinrad.

I was way burnt from all that thinking and the sloshball game so i retired early. sunday the Battle of the Bad was awesome. my favorite band there was the Long Haired Leaping Gnomes. they had tons of eggs thrown at them. i probably unloaded two dozen at them. they were terrible, and funny. and good.

then i skated over to the beach, campus point, and saw Double D Nose, these jewish rappers who were great, then i went back and saw the end of the battle. by that time i was completely drunk but i was also hot so i got another mickeys 40 ouncer and pounded it and before i knew it i had this one freshman chick crying on my shoulder asking to be held and this one girl (quite drunk) (an editor of the paper) flashed me a tit and winked. all at the park. quite amusing, so i went to see aj and she was being boring so i left and went home passed out or something. i forget and woke up and went to this hootenanny at gregs house and read a poem and drank. it was held outside at el cid park and it was beautiful. i called aj up after. it was beautiful out there and i sat on my balcony and looked at everything, the ocean, the moon, the sky, the nothing, and told her that i was rally glad that we were friends and the rest i forget, but i remember her saying that she was glad i called and i felt pretty good when i passed out again.

more about the birthday girl + three years ago she wrote Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men

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I am in pretty good communication with nearly all of my old girlfriends. I talk to my true love nearly every day. I talk to Ashley a little more than I'd like. I talk to Mary and Linda a bunch now which makes me happy. And all past negative issues with AJ are over and out now too, infact I think today is her 22nd birthday. Happy Birthday AJ!

One of them used to call me the baybay. i used to call her that too. she telephoned me last night to tell me about this trippy ass newage whatchamacallit Harmonic Concordance hoo-ha, that I as a devout Christian obviously scoff at.

But it inspired this email, which I asked if I could reprint, and she said yes, that in fact it might help her cause.

I have no idea why she would have these things in her list because she is a super cool, very smart, very talented, self-made woman who puts out and cooks like a dream.

But we all have our demons floating in our head, so if theres anything I can do to help her, I hope she remembers to ask.

Instead of putting up the picture of the star of david, I have chosen a photo of the Rolling Stones, biggest stars I know.

Next to her.

=====================

Hello the Baybay!! �

Like I was saying on the phone earlier, our Crazy Beautiful Magical Haitian Sex-Diva, a.k.a. Vilma from Florida, told us that there were certain things to do in order to more fully participate in the Universe�s HARMONIC CONCORDANCE which is kicking off right now, and will sort of crest over this next 24 hours.

One of the things she said to do was (before 5:00 pm! � I finished my list at just about that time, so, I hope it works!!)�to get a piece of paper and draw a big Star of David on it�(this refers to the fact that there are 6 �Heavenly Bodies� coming into a Sextile alignment for this next 24 hours�ostensibly forming the shape of the Star�those bodies being Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Charon (Pluto�s satellite) and�Venus maybe(??)�)

Ne way, you draw the Star of David and then under it, you make a list of all the negative and bad things you want to release from your life, so that you can be a better, happier Force of Love in the Universe!! This next few days is a very powerful time during which many Celestial forces are Aligning together as they each go along their own paths�illustrating the concept of the Collective Unconscious, or, if you prefer, GOD.

As in: we are ALL from GOD and GOD is all of us!! Yay!!

Well, here�s my list:

(picture Star of David here)

THINGS I WILL RELEASE FROM MY LIFE:

My sadness regarding my parents and their fears and lameness

My belief that I am not worthy of true, passionate, and devoted love

My dependence on drugs and alcohol

My fear of being alone

The void of sadness and misery

my acceptance of shitty relationships

my procrastination and �scatter-brained� ness

the habit of scattering my energies when I most need to be focused

my anger at humans

my anger at myself

my willingness to sacrifice myself and my happiness

my anti-social tendencies

my fear of not being loved

my frustration over not having what I want and deserve

my refusal to create what I want and deserve

------

and then it was 5:00 so I stopped. That�s plenty to work with for now anyway.

Oops�gotta run, see you Monday for sure if not sooner.

ILOVEUILOVEUILOVEUILOVEU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Me.

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its four thirty in the morning, miss montreal is snoozing in the lay-z-boy as vh1 classics plays softly and keeps her asleep.

its probably just a late night stony thought but i think i have decided that i will start writing more. more often. more and more and more.

none of its any good, so might as well have some quantity and maybe something will end up spectacular.

my problem is i read far too much. mostly blogs, but pretty much every magazine there is. and of course books. and letters sent from dirty girls who type to me from their bathtubs.

dear ev,

thank you for your invention.

it seriously has changed my life.

i know a lot of people have contributed to it, and thanks to all a them too. but thank you any way.

maybe this snoring girl would be here if it wasnt for blogger, but i aint so sure.

werent any chicks sending me letters from their tub when all i had was a web site. it was the blog people got excited about. and it was blogging that got people looking at the web for more than airline tickets and smut.

so thank you again.

southern girl called me today. no, not madpony. different girl. she said, you think im kidding, or that its somehow "safe" to say this because we live so far away, but i mean it, you bring it and i'd fuck the hell out of you.

and she said it so cute that i wish tivo was in my telephone.

nobody was inviting me to bring it when i had an open diary.

people werent sending me to aruba, or chipping in to buy me a car, or writing sweet things in my comments, and the LA Times wasnt interviewing me when i was working for billion dollar companies or making web pages in dreamweaver.

its blogger and the blogging phenomenon who's responsible.

and if theres anything i can do for you in return, you got it.

forever indebted,

tony

p.s. i told the girl on the phone that i would be on her doorstep the day after thanksgiving and she said oh, then she said, well, you better not, my dads a cop.

turns out shes twenty and still lives at home.

chers on. shes turning back time.

miss montreal grinds her teeth a little bit. but in a cute way.

she and i had a great talk yesterday.

shes really a terrific girl. courageous as hell.

she thinks she has strep throat and i told her she cant have strep, cuz we made out for hours twice this week and i dont have any damn strep throat and she said that she should stay away from me and i told her that i wasnt afraid of any damn strep, and i picked her up and brought her over here and we kissed during snl's commercials.

its one of my new favorite drinking games.

they have so many commercials on that damn show, that every time theres a new one you have to drink, and then kiss.

we werent getting drunk enough so i changed the rules a little.

every time it sucked we took a drink.

i dont think miss montreal's gonna wake up till thursday.

what other people accomplished at your age + flagrant is also in thailand + tiffany stops my heart

# | |

dear democratic national committe,

i would like to write a blog for you.

it will be the best two million bucks youve ever spent.

first thing id do is hire matt welch, ken layne, amy langfield, marc brown, os tyler, tim blair, ben sullivan, todd francis, jim lowney, and pat whalen to join me, and id give em each a one year contract for a hundred grand.

then we would start taking names.

a shit list, if you will.

dont get your ass on the shit list.

who's on the list right now?

well, just this week, cbs oughtta be on the tippy top of your shit list, since theyve obviously outted themselves to being nothing more than the Al-Jazeera for the right.

and from what i can see, you dont give a fuck. whats up with that?

wheres your fuck cbs bumper stickers? wheres your fuck cbs thongs? wheres your fuck cbs condoms?

tap tap tap

hello.

is this thing on?

seems to me, and im just some jerkoff not really paying much attention, but it seems to me that you let those motherfuckers steal the election, you let them get us into this fucked up war, you let them shove the economy right into their assholes and shit it all over your faces, you let them re-do the gubernatorial election in cali and let a potsmoking groping son of a nazi take over, and now youre letting them control the television too?

are you people high?

and the weirdest thing is, bush has a pretty good chance of getting hired for another four years, not because he deserves it, but because you guys cant get it together.

exhibit a: those jokers in the picture up there.

you guys are having a terrible time beating a cokehead who has fucked up in pretty much every way possible and
as good as your haikus are, theyre not going to bring him down.

the dream team that i hyperlinked above will bring him down, and they'll be expecting plush dc jobs in a year, so get ready.

and plan on tsar headlining the ball.

in the meantime, hand over the money, be prepared to register a url, pick a candidate, and get out of the way.

business as usual hasnt gotten you jack fucking shit.

and no offense, but you should be ashamed.

im ashamed for you.

one more thing. drudge, quit sending me flowers and contract offers.

i wouldnt make a blog for the right for ten million dollars.

and i know youre a ho, but i aint. i wouldnt make a blog for the rnc for a hundred million dollars.

believe that.

today is sunday, the holy day.

tony pierce would never make a blog for the republicans for $100 million dollars, not $200 million dollars, not even $300 million dollars. and thats a not a dare.

you people have fucked this country over in so many ways, starting with watergate and continuing to this very day. and you make deliverance pig noises when you do it.

youre completely full of shit. you dont care a fuck about the average american, and you really dont give a fuck about the presidency of the united states or else you wouldnt have pulled all the endless amount of gradeschool hes got cooties bullshit that you pulled for eight disgusting years. fuck you and your agendas and your dirty fucking money, i dont want it.

i would do it for a billion though.

cuz then i could buy the cubs and sign pudge and arod.

so there you have it, i guess i am a ho, since i have a price.

asswipes, im yours for a billion.

dems, your price is two mil.

ive never felt so dirty.

say yes,

tony

# | |

someone emailed me and told me that i was too punk rock for prime time, which is why nobody is offering me jobs to write blogs for them.

she said that even when im not saying motherfucker and shit and pussy i still have an edge that major decisionmakers would be a little nervous about.

and i knew what she was ment.

but then i said, jessica, is it less acceptable to write the things that i write in the way that i do it or be a dumb fake tittied bleach blonde who marries a boybander?

she blinked.

and then she said, are you talking about me?

i said no baby, i could see why people would want to pay you money for being cute and slow and lazy and shallow, and i can see why major companies like viacom and now abc would want to associate with you: because they think that you're the type of young woman that

she said, excuse me.

i said, no really, ani difranco has sold shit tons of records basically out of her truck, but you dont even see her on mtv.

and then i woke up.

it was all a dream.

i hadnt gotten any email saying anything.

jessica simpson hadnt been talking to me

and when i turned on mtv, there was ani difranco singing one of her little songs.

such a righteous babe.

and the phone rang, and it was bill gates saying thanks for the offer to write a blog about him, but he was pretty shy and he really just wanted to focus on his job.

and i said, hey, its cool, thanks for the phone call.

and he said, no problem.

but the scary part is, i never gave bill gates my damn phone number.

and i hardly ever dream.

kill poets + filchboy + i would like to meet bunnie

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