caption this, please

# | |

should i be covering the miss world competition since the times is ignoring it?

its two pm. im eating a mcrib tv dinner. im scared of the leftovers from last nights thai fiesta with rosalita.

im wondering seriously about playboy online. wondering if they would hire me.

id cover the miss world competition for them if they wanted.

here we are at the miss world pageant in sanya china, a southern island of hainan

hey how many virgins in sanya

hey none

the winner of the "beach beauty" competition was this comely redhead, rosanna davison, center, miss ireland who was all, thats right bitch.

daughter of the scary brit 80s singer chris de burgh "lady in red" "dont pay the ferryman"

106 of the most beautiful girls in the world are here, playboy.

and every single one of them has a story to tell.

thank you for sending me here.

its very warm.

cokes cost two dollars.

they dont have diet coke they have coke lite.

so you go, two coke lites please and they say four dollars please

so you give them five.

why not.

i came in third in the mens competition.

fyi.

for your ass.

flagrant + kzug + palm trees

# | |

dear tiger,

nothing i like better than a blonde model marrying a young black millionaire. but hasnt kobe taught you anything about marrying young?

i know shes hot. and im sure shes wonderful. it dont matter.

you need to check yourself bro.

how many majors have you won this year while youve been diddlin this'n?

zip.

shes no good for you.

even your crazy old man knows it.

"Let's face it, a wife can sometimes be a deterrent to a good game of golf," Earl Woods said regarding the announcement of his son's engagement.

unless youre willing to say, "im tiger woods and i dont give a fuck about golf any more, all i care about is this blonde, all blonde, swedish piece of ass," then stanford didnt teach you shit.

i cant even imagine how hot that might be.

in a bikini

slippin into the hot tub after you just came in third and only get to cash a $77,000 check.

better luck next week.

but you do not have to marry that shit.

i wanna marry that shit. trust me. you can wanna marry it. just dont marry it.

23

she can still get a discount on eurail passes

your girl was a nanny a few years ago.

you dont marry the nanny.

not before you break

all

the records in golf

black man.

excuse me, but wasnt that the deal you signed when you sold your soul to nike?

no way do you get the money, a few records, and the girl.

people need to know that this wasnt a fluke.

so im sorry but i cannot be the minister at your wedding.

win ten tournaments in a row

win a tournament in a koofi

or better yet, win one in a dress

and then i'll let you marry that supra hot girl you got there.

maybe the hottest player's wife around.

but until i can say something like, a black man not only won the masters but won it in a dress so fuck you all, then youre going to have to win a few hundred more tournaments

before you game totally goes to hell.

so, easy tiger

you know how many nannys wanna marry me too

we cant have you turning into pooh

big dumptruck + holiday snowglobe + sean bonner + liljeqvist

# | |

i dont know what it is but i like the counterculture. the punk rock undercurrent. the against the grain subsector.

youd think id dress differently, but nah. im not that cool.

today is buy nothing day. im not sure why youre not supposed to buy nothing but i think it has something to do with the fact that today is the biggest shopping day of the year.

and about fucking up the program.

interestingly, this year i actually have something that im selling, and buy nothing day makes me wonder if im trying to sell so many that i get rich, or am i simply trying to offer something cool to people?

either way, i dont plan on buying anything today.

radio shack had dvd players for $49 with $20 rebates, but generally you get what you pay for, especially there.

when shack is part of your name shit better cost $29 after rebate.

i watched the hot chick this morning on my tivo. i laughed out loud about eight times. maybe nine.

why didnt the media tell me the hot chick was funny?

damn media.

all the things you people say drudge tells you, did he ever tell you that the hot chick was pretty good?

what about andrew sullivan?

for years i wondered why the busblog was relatively popular, and now im starting to figure out why.

cuz those losers you allegedly read dont tell you anything, really.

dont read drudge today day.

g-man + adbusters + the fat guy

# | |

hi blook II

hi tony, hows it hanging?

pretty good, i got three parades and a football game on, its thanksgiving morning, and im watching martha stewarts living.

oh really, since when do they let accused felons on tv?

well, blook II, they let rush back on the radio and hes in the middle of a floridian drug ring.

so how come they didnt show michael jackson's tv special on cbs?

i dunno, cuz hes black?

tony, hes not black.

seems to me cbs is just making another in their series of f-ups. first they pulled The Reagans over to showtime, and now they're shelving what would probably have been the most-watched michael jackson special of all.

i think youre drinking some powerful rum, nobody wants to watch a child molester grab his crotch.

true my inanimate friend, but people love controversy, and train wrecks, which is why they'll watch paris hilton on tuesday, which, if you notice, fox didnt pull off the air even after it was revealed that their star had sex!

today is thanksgiving tony, and i gotta say, im thankful for paris hilton.

im with you there, blook II.

hey can you turn the channel to nbc, that dumbass band Simple Plan, the one where the guy whines about being a dick, addicted to you are on tv, in the macys day parade.

looks like theyre on a float with two m&ms on it.

is this an ad for m&m's?

no, blook II, it's a parade.

hold on, katie couric is about to introduce them

katie: "say hello to hollywood cuz theyre going hollywood on the m&ms network balloon, furnished by m&ms chocolate candies. who can ever forget the red m&ms character and his famous award acceptence speech? 'you like me, you really do like me.' and thats no hollywood hype, both the red and yellow m&ms characters (stumbles because shes reading) have been superstar sweets for half a century."

matt lauer: "katie, getting in on the act, a group whose new d- dvd (stumbling, hes reading too) featuring the smash hit "addicted" is in stores even as we march. it's time for the exciting punk rock rhythms of simple plan."

hey tony.

yeah blook II.

kill me now please.

me first, buddy.

are you thankful for anything this year?

dude, im thankful for everything this year.

like what, youre obviously not happy with your job, you dont have a car, your cubs broke your fucking heart this year and then showed it to you while it was still beating, you havent had a steady girlfriend for years, youre ugly, your breath stink, dirty dishes in your sink, your apartments cold, your carpal isnt all that much better, and youre old. and youre ugly.

ok you said that already. first of all, fuck you. secondly this year my hits increased by 10 per cent.

a whole ten percent? stop the presses!

funny you bring that up, blook II, this year the LA Times said i was the most entertaining blog in LA.

suddenly youre jockin the times?

also, i love my job. so shut up.

youre just saying that cuz they yelled at you for saying that you hated your job.

didnt i tell you to shut it?

... yes.

fuck, man.

im sorry.

it's the only job i have, bro. chill.

well, you are ugly, and theres nothing to be thankful for for that.

sure there is, i could be as ugly as you.

yeah, whats up with my cover? are people buying me?

sure, sales are great.

well, maybe theyd buy more if there was a better cover.

whats wrong with the cover?

i just think people would rather see something like a pretty girl on your cover than your junky sad closet.

but thats where i write you.

and hi, is that bong next to your computer?

it's a tommy chong bong, i burn my incense in there.

you're less punk rock, tony, than simple plan.

im just representing, bro.

put a picture of karisa on my cover?

no, karisa doesnt want to be famous.

how about ashley?

nah, she doesnt want me anymore.

what about your true love?

blook II isnt about my true love, its about going to hell with kurt cobain, dating cheerleaders, riding a bus, fighting the good fight, and working for the xbi.

people dont like your xbi stories, tony.

theres not that many in there.

put a picture of christina aguleria on the cover.

all her pictures are copywritten. id have to pay the photographer or the publisher or someone tons.

what about paris hilton?

same thing. copyrights and stuff. but id love to have paris hilton on your cover.

what about if you put paris hiltons face on christina agueleras body and called it art.

and if i did that you think more people would buy you?

yeah.

ok youre stupid. and it wouldnt be art.

hmmm. what if you got a screen grab from her sex video. is that copywritten?

interesting.

it would be pornographic though, huh?

not if i took a frame where you cant see anything except her face.

ok, why dont you work on that.

ok, i might.

and why dont you keep the presale going for another week, a lot of people took this week off and will be bummed if they missed the suprise presale.

ok. cool. no problem.

awesome, tony. rock on dude.

blook, you rock on as well.

youre still ugly.

i know... i know.

blook II presale until 12/7 + excerpt + jason sutter

# | |

karisa wants to come over with some hot chicks and get drunk with me and then head out into some hollywood bars and guess what my answer is?

is the day before thanksgiving national be gay day? arent you gay by default if you dont want drunk hot girls to come over and watch "wild on..." and get drunker on the first night of four days off?

you know what it is. its work. i give everything at work. i wake up early. i dont take breaks. i eat at my desk. i walk fast everywhere. i fly fast everywhere. i answer the phone on the first ring. I dont use a signature on the bottom of my emails. i hustle. some people talk shit but those people are haters, but they tire me out too.

so when i get home i just want to soak in the hottub, drink my rum, watch the lakers and cruise the internet.

and these are wild girls. high energy. im pooped, i only have vodka, rum, amaretto, wine, and the high life, and i only have one couch. where will people sit?

welcome to my nightmare.

shit. i only have two wine glasses.

theres a minute left in the third period and they just took out karl malone and the audience applauded him because the lakers are up by 25 and he probably wont be playing any more tonight.

shaq isnt even in the house and theyre creaming the bullets, i mean wizards.

anti is my hero + evan ames teaches us that you cant get a tattoo in oklahoma + are you people aware that amy is taking great pictures almost every day of nyc + i downloaded firebird today because i read that the ward was using it + blook ii wont have pictures but if it did it would look like this + sublog doles some audblog shoutouts + every time bunnie posts the internet smiles + get well, mindy + raymi wrote eight very short sentences today and they were all better than any of mine, and yesterday she got naked for our asses

# | |

today is the day before thanksgiving and here at the xbi it means Go Home at 2pm Day.

fun part is you have to do at least one thing really good if you want to leave at 2pm, so this morning some guy made breakfast for everyone. this one lady is giving everyone 10 minute massages, this one woman brought in brownies.

it's quite festive.

hardly any gunplay.

if im lucky i will get to spend a romantic night tomorrow night with my truest. shes a little under the weather so i might just have to suprise her with a turkey dinner that i will order from the Pantry and bring over to her. might rent a car this week. might not do squat. might sit around in my foul stench and listen to todays sounds and think up tv commercials that wont ever air on tv.

this morning there were two firetrucks and an ambulance outside my cabana. anytime i see that i worry about my 89 year old landlady. i imagine she had a heart attack or something. i never know why the fire trucks need to be there. all it will be is a dead old lady in her old lady bed.

am i bad to wonder why shes hanging in there? the owner took her garage and didnt lower her rent. she drinks rubbing alcohol by the bottle. her sheets smell of wee.

i get her chocolates and she just melts them down cuz she cant chew.

how fucked up are things when you cant even chew chocolate.

sometimes i worry that the things i will write in here will get back to people, but im not worried about this getting back to her because no one talks to her cuz shes racist and wants to be a scientologist, but i do cuz she cracks me up.

shes afraid the owner will kick her out if she complains.

i tell her if the owner kicks her out he will be exposed on tv and become very embarrassed.

shes lived where shes lived for 45 years.

i hope she didnt die last night.

in her sleep.

with her cat waiting for the kibbles n bits to get poured into a bowl that says Dusty.

an excerpt from blook ii

see thru skin + low culture + sk smith

# | |

today is my sister's 22nd birthday. last year nobody believed me when i said that i was the worst brother in the world.

they thought just because i write a little blog and save the world and do things like announce on here that it's my sister's birthday that i must be ok. im not so ok. a few months ago she flew me out to chicago so we could throw a surprise for my mom's birthday and did i send my sister a birthday card or a gift last week? no. the card is still in my backpack and the gift is still on my dining room table.

im a bad brother.

im so bad that i will now reprint what i wrote about my sister last year.

maybe that will show you.

today is my sister's 25th birthday. trust me when i tell you that it's not easy being my little sister.

throughout the years i did things like chase her around with knives, i threw her keys on the roof of the house, i vandalized her posters and magazines, i may have killed one of her dogs, hid a variety of things, listened in on a few conversations of her talking to her friends to find out if they had crushes on me, and continually lobbied to my mother that she was being far too generous with her. normal brother stuff.

but the worst thing i did was get born. and worse, i did it a year before she did.

i steamrolled through elementary school, junior high, and high school like a tornado. every teacher, student, and principal knew my name and either totally hated my ass or fell in love. and because we didn't look very much alike, people would constantly say, "you're tony's sister?"

what little kid wants to be known just as somebody's sister? especially when she was an angel and i was far from that.

angie and i could not be more different. i was super good at sports and terrible at getting good grades, my sister was an honor roll student and a cheerleader. because of that there were a lot of clashes within the pierce household, and when my mom got a stereo the common war zone was the living room and the soundtrack was ac/dc's back in black, which angie got for a gift and which i instantly purloined and cranked as loudly as possible every day for many years while she practiced her flute.

if there was a career in how to torture your sister i would be a zillionaire. i believe there were incidents of locking her into basements, closets, neighbors houses, cop cars. i remember certain moments where fellas would come over to court her and i told them they were at the wrong house. and of course there were the firefights.

and yet my sister stuck by me. probably because i never narced on her during some of the many stealth parties that she threw when my mom was out of town. and i was always there to protect her in the shadows of school, like any brother. not that she needed my protection, there was very little that anyone could have done to torture her that she didn't experience in the safety of her own home.

years later my sister met the man of her dreams. and the funny thing was, i liked him right away. dave is mild mannered, smart, patient and still calls my mom mrs. pierce. thats respect. they bought a huge house. filled it with all the animals that angie loves, comfy couches, pretty much everything that she had in the barbie dreamhouse that i turned x-rated and then lit on fire but now it was full-sized and wonderful.

so what has my sister done lately? no offense to my friends with kids, but she and dave brought to the world the cutest little girl in the world. kyla joanne (pictured). when we were in aruba this summer, kyla never cried. it was amazing. i dont know what they put in her bottle but all that little girl ever did was look at you and smile and point at you and hold your finger and laugh. if she closed her eyes and started to get irritated, my sister and my brother in law knew exactly what to do. it was crazy. full on esp. they should write a book.

so heres to my sister, bears fan, bulls fan, cubs fan, def lepard fan. her first concert, with me, was the jackson five, but then i think her second one was rick springfield at great america. if i was a good brother and ever called her, id know.

happy 25th angie. i love you so very much. i love that you call mom "mother", i love that you still live in the silly suburb that we grew up in. i love that you are your own person and nothing like me and a much better soul. and i love that you are my sister.

kylas first day

# | |

as you might know, LA blogger Luke Ford was on 60 minutes a few days ago, and as you know i'm a big fan of mr. ford.

But when i saw what he was saying on 60 minutes it was hard for me to think that he wasnt completely full of shit.

The most glaring load he hurled at me as I sat in my den this past Sunday was when he ripped this one: "It's become popular, cool, acceptable in this 18-to-25 age group. My age group, I'm 37, my age group and up, we think porn is something that's shameful. But for kids half my age, they think it's cool."

Adult film is a billion dollar business. Billion with a B as in boo-yah. And it's been popular since the first caveman chiseled the first titty on a wall. Of all people Luke Ford, formerly of lukeford.com knows this. He also knows that once you turn 26 you dont suddenly consider it "shameful."

60 Minutes showed many people standing in line at an Adult Film convention looking middle class, happy, and well beyond the prized 18-25 demo. I saw a couple who looked 50+. And then the narrator told us that there's even porn for "the '60 Minutes' set."

Luke, I dont think college boys are buying Gangbang Granny. Theyre not renting it either.

people getting it on isnt shameful. nude boobies arent shameful. adult fantasies played out in the privacy of one's own home arent shameful either.

whats shameful is distorting the truth, a truth very few men know as intimately as my man Luke. The porn industry might be a dirty filthy shamefully-run machine, but arent most entertainment industries? Doesnt major leauge baseball do shameful things, doesnt the US government?

what porn can teach us is that thats the shame we should avoid.

whereas the "shame" typically tied to doing totally natural, loving things with ones spouse or boyfriend shouldnt be looked at with negative connotations. and if people want to do it on tape or dvd, i fail to see the shame in that either. infact im encouraged by adult stars who have rid themselves of the shame that humans are taught to feel about their bodies.

now i havent been 37 for a long long time. but i'll tell you this, if we had dvds back in the 40s when i was 37 we too would have thought that it was "cool". if we would have had jenna and janine and monica sweetheart and kelly o'dell and raylene and shane and the vivid girls maybe the 50s wouldnt have been so repressed and maybe we wouldnt be so uptight in america in places like beaches where we have laws against women sunbathing topless.

maybe.

and not to get into someones religious business, but why is it in the handful of events that i saw my buddy Luke at he was always wearing his yarmulke, and yet as soon as 60 minutes shows up hes just a good-looking aussie, as opposed to a good-looking aussie jew?

tell you this my friends, if you ever see my ass on 60 minutes, i wont spread generalizations about 110 year olds, and i will be sporting my cubs hat.

cuz i represent.

bring back the old luke! or the 18-24 luke!

luke ford dot net

# | |

tsar decided to play every single song off their new cd, in order, for their last free show at the silverlake lounge last night.

i had a good spot. still i didnt take very good pictures. i sorta suck. but still, heres what ive got to show you, and heres what mc brown has for your asses.

my night began very nicely when greg vaine came over to my house to kick back a few and listen to the rough mixes of his upcoming cd. so good to hear gregs guitarplaying again. no offense to everyone else in LA who plays guitar, but greg is still the king. you know, he started this gangsta shit.

then we drove to the silverlake lounge, met jeanine outside a liquor store. she bought a little deal of whiskey and tucked it into her size 2 waist. and drank it right there in front of the club. she looked so hot that a suv sped past and crashed into a stop light.

then it backed up and sped away.

craziest thing i ever seen.

then tsar came out and blew our minds

yet again.

same as it ever was.

we screamed for an encore and they gave up one.

had to.

it was I Dont Wanna Break up.

it was perfect.

then me and jeanine went to midnight tacos and i had a chicken burrito with cheese.

then i got an email from someone who pointed to my main page and said

andrew sullivan wished he could do this shit + my corvids review is #15 today on popdex

# | |

its funny that people always want to disturb me when i write. maybe its not funny. maybe it means that i always want to write. i do.

i want to write about how people say theres no seasons in LA. and how theyre wrong. everyone has sweaters and hats and scarves today. it was cold last night. maybe 30? i had the electric blanket on. i have my google fleece on.

i want to write about how the subways and busses were free last week. and on friday everyone caught on and decided to ride it en mass. it was crowded. lots of white people that youd never see on that thing in a million years.

i want to write about how the subways only had four cars today. monday. how the sign apologized for the inconvenience and how i flipped it off.

theres a bunch of hippies who pass out fliers as you get on the bus. the busriders union. they tell you things like how the mta gets a million dollars a day from tax money anyhow, so they didnt care about the strike, and they dont care if youre late for work.

they dont care about me so much that theyre raising the costs to ride the bus next year and theyre even doing away with transfers and bus passes are getting raised to $52 which doesnt give a guy much of a discount, just a convenience.

mta is dumb. and they're mean. how do you raise your rates and take away transfers if most of the time you have to stand up in the trains or busses?

i want to write about how i got a part time job offer the other day. pretty much a dream gig, but im so wiped out after doing my 10 hours at the xbi that i barely have time to write on this thing. but dude, if youre reading this, thank you for the offer.

i wish i could take it.

truly.

i just want to do a good job at whatever i do, especially if it's writing.


kat + i heart ms iverson + kat

# | |

i get lots of emails from lots of people and i would say that most of them are from college-aged young men.

now this isnt the way that i set this shit up to work out, but you get what you get and you live with it.

every once in a while i get a troubling email from a young man who says he wants to end it.

i hate those emails. it puts a lot of pressure on me. and libras arent the best shoulders to cry on. we might just be the worst.

so heres what i will tell you, my friend. college is tough. its the best time of your life, which is sorta freaky, but it'll still be tough.

there were times, especially in college, when i wanted to end it all. and i am happy that i didnt.

since college ive done an awful lot. i still dont have a car. i still dont have my dream job. but no way could i have known in college that my life would have ended up the way it has, and in lots and lots of ways its way better than i ever thought it would be.

when i was in college, for instance, there was no such thing as mp3s

or free porn

or paris hilton having sex on my computer

there wasnt anything like blogger.

we werent hooked up for the internet in any of the homes that i lived in.

the cubs didnt have any pitching.

hot girls werent emailing me pics of their hot bodies.

you couldnt type tony into google and it would be second only to the Tony awards.

there wasnt even Google.

so much changes so fast my friends that it could change for the good, even if you dont see the light at the end of the tunnel.

you'll have to trust me on this.

one thing that i did when i was in my darkest hour was this: if i thought i was going to take a dangerous risky dumbass risk, i first asked out a super hot girl to the movies.

if she said no, i asked out a girl even hotter than her.

if she said no, i went to the movies alone.

then i wrote something.

some might say all that college angst and struggle ended up starting a pretty good habit.

keep rockin,

and drink the beer. it's there for a reason.

tony

100 moons + steph + blook II faq

# | |

the corvids
fought down
scrubjay records

ken layne gave me credit for writing the first review of the new corvids record a few weeks ago. but that wasn't a proper review. this is the proper review, cuz this record deserves a proper review, and since im the least trustworthy reviewer of this record since i live in kens former apartment and type to you from the very closet that he typed from not long ago, im obviously biased, influenced, and i hear things in this cd that bring up deep personal memories and secret smiles.

one of my x girlfriends sings on my favorite song on the disc, the bass player used to be my business partner, the rhythm guitarist and i coached a little league team together, the drummer is in my favorite band, and the german lead guitarist still has his futon in my closet.

so when i say this is the best record of the year, you might not want to run over to the link to get it, you should probably walk.

me, i like the rock music. i like a little country tossed in there. i like creepy rollicking tunes and slow sad ones.

i like hearing a little tom petty mixed with springsteens nebraska. nick cave, gimme shelter, and blood and chocolate. and laynes baritone and humor definitely hearken back the days of country dick montana and the beat farmers, and i also hear some lone justice in there, peter case.

i hear what beck shoulda been going for instead of bowing to the false idols who bow to gordon lightfoot.

layne sounds drunk, sounds like hes been smoking cigarettes, sounds like hes playing real music with real friends.

sounds like something paul westerberg would like to put together if he didn't have to constantly live up to the ideal of a genius.

sounds like the happiest harmonica ive heard in a long long long long time.

now the cute story that people should be talking about in the blogosphere is that this is a band of two mighty political bloggers: ken layne and matt welch, the brains behind la examiner, the blog that inspired former los angeles mayor richard riordan to start a newspaper that would compete with the la times.

riordan was this close to hiring ken and matt, but eventually decided that he would rather die rich than great.

on bass and drums are jeff solomon and steve coulter, respectively, members of rock group tsar.

solomon and welch wrote and edited at the daily nexus at uc santa barbara. coulter didn't attend ucsb, but often visited to be with his friends and play in bands in isla vista. at the time he dated laura crane who a few years ago married ken.

that's not laura who ken is kissing in the picture above, that's kim who is now dating os, who sings with jeanine on the tune "worried."

os dated jeanine in prauge after she and i broke up.

is it cool? os hosts the busblog doesn't he? of course it's cool.

axel is from germany, then he moved to london. he told me that country music makes him laugh. hes the secret weapon of this band. he plays like a ringer. he plays like the guy the georgia satellites were trying to play like and i betcha axel aint never of the damn georgia satellites and hes an inch away from sounding like j mascis and im not sure if hes heard of him neither.

this record will start making you want to talk like tom sawyer.

its what friends sound like who have great voices, great stories, great songs, and drink great wines.

and the scary thing is, if these people and a couple more just wanted to get together and sing and record, they could put together probably eight more of these cds.

do yourself a favor and pick this one up.

it's the first one.

you're in for a good time.

listen to a sample or five + just go on and get it + scrubjay records

# | |