tony + mary!
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nothing in here is true


   Thursday, July 01, 2004  
the instapundit doesnt want to link me and i consider that the highest form of respect.

right back at ya, big guy.

i have many issues with the instapundit but none of them are personal. which is rare for me because i pretty much take everything personally.

chalk it up as my biggest flaw.

next to my insanely low self esteem.

and overwhelming disdain of actively pursing any normal type of highly-profitable career.

what i dont get about the instapundit is he's young, hes successful, hes smart as fuck, he's down-to-earth, he's popular, a good family man, in-touch, has a great job as a law professor, holds many interests, and has remained on top of the blogosphere for years now

and yet he refuses to link opposing views on matters of politics on a regular basis. for every one link to a so-called liberal, there are 15-16 links to so-called conservatives. the night before michael moore's movie came out he claimed that listen missy didn't like Fahrenheit 9/11 despite the fact that she never even mentioned the film and hadnt even seen the damn thing yet. later he noted his error, but kept her objection up there anyway.

what on god's green earth could he be afraid of by not linking to people who might have a different feeling about moore, people like, i dont know, me?

could Doc Searls be right? that if "any stick you can whup Bush with is a good stick," and i, could be the best stick so far?

im sure theres better sticks. but i do agree with doc that i, too, am interested in talking across the the divisions that keep us from talking to each other.

so for Indy, and all his readers who might have missed what went down on the busblog in June, a month i battled chronic tendinitis and carpal tunnel, here are some highlights:

6/1: anna kournikova came over right before the laker game

russian girls normally get it wrong and when they do they do it with their arms crossed.

6/1: dear the pope,

four solid reasons why the pope should be in favor of legalizing marijuana. with a suprise quote from Genesis 1:29.

6/2: A Letter From Chad of Chokey Chicken

in which the graduating high school senior puts me on the spot and asks me to list the top ten most underrated bloggers. so i did:

1. flagrant disregard
2. raymi
3. anti
4. tiffany
5. sk smith
6. jaylex
7. angelina
8. raspil
9. bunnie
10. zulieka

6/2 yes it's true i just had breakfast with the mysterious and glamorous zulieka from zulieka dot com at the pantry in downtown la.

of which she wrote on her blog "4.Tony Pierce. Deceptively cute at first glance, he notices and reads through subtle indications like a poker player. He is so, so quick but he pretends he's just sitting there. He is both street smart and worldly. After all, he works for the XBI. Thank You Tony for the breakfast. You forgot to mention that I had hashbrowns too, with tabasco sauce."

6/2 when i think of the president of the united states, this is what i see.

i see a fucking retard.

6/4 today is angelina jolie's twenty ninth birthday

the mexican lady kept the elevator button mashed in as if it would speed things along. now you know why the elevators are always broken i hissed in spanish.



6/5 why the president is a fucking retard

if you ever go to the special olympics you will see a spirit that is absent from any other sporting activity you'll ever witness: unconditional love and reward.

even the slowest, most fumbiling child who finishes a race gets a hug. a loving embrace for participating in the event. a symbol and an action that says, you tried and thats all that matters.

you are loved.

the only institution that mimics this behavoir is the united states of america and it's relationship to the president of the united states, george bush, and the people and things that he supports.

they treat him like the retard that they know he is

6/6 after calling the sitting president a fucking retard id be a fucking asshole if i didn't celebrate the death of the president who started all this bullshit.

in which i urinated on the grave of ronald reagan; the man who funded osama, delivered weapons of mass destruction to saddam, sat in his little chair for much longer than seven minutes as AIDS hit america, traded arms for hostages, and illegally funded the contras.

my biggest complaint remains that he is called the great communicator when we can only remember three or four things that he said his whole eight years. the easiest being "tear down this wall," which of course wasnt torn down until after he left office.

6/6 one day i will die

in which you're instructed how to act properly when it happens.

6/7 Bukowski: Born Into This

a movie review about the documentary of LA's finest poet/novelist/drunkard

6/7 Howard Owens writes:

that he's disappointed with me and dumbfounded by my disresptect of the dead president.

and in which i reply with, well, an awful lot of curse words. and a reminder that the man who killed communism forgot about china, who is doing better than ever these days. and is still very much commie.

mr. reagans death should be a bedtime for bullshit, but how can we even get out of this murky morass of mediocraty if you insist on watering down the genepool of eligible candidates by suggesting that theres something about the incumbant thats admirable.

whats admirable is that he gets out of bed in the morning without bumping his head on the nightstand.

howard, this is america the beautiful. the land that i love.

i shouldnt be able to beat the holy fuck out of the commander in chief in scrabble, let alone economics, common sense, or trivial pursuit.

6/10 top ten reasons oj is not guilty

number ten: the columbian necktie

with special guest quotes from mark fuhrman, f. lee bailey, johnny cochran, katie couric and oj simpson as the juice.

6/12 Dear Tony, Can you please explain to me what the fuck is going on with your Lakers?

here i explained why the lakers weren't going to lose to detroit in the finals, and how it had something to do with the fact that the team resided in california.

6/14 linda was a teenage runaway.

long hair. bare feet. short nails. hot eyes. brown skin. smooth cheeks. wild mind. hard tounge.

somehow bigger than life. somehow from another place entirely. somehow found the best people to migrate with. somehow made everyone better who she mixed in with.

if msg had titties.

nice, full, non-allergic ones.

6/16 exclusive interview with shaquille o'neal in which he explains why the refs were unfair to the lakers in the finals

q. why do you think its like that?

a. its easy. its psychology. you see a big huge guy. then you see a bigger huger guy. if the bigger guy is standing there getting fouled by a smaller guy it doesnt look like a foul, it looks like the smaller guy is just trying real hard. but indeed it is a foul. its a real foul. if you prick me, dont i bleed?

q. as a matter of fact, ive never seen you bleed shaq.

a. well, i do. i bleed inside. where it counts.

q. thats sad.

a. im bleeding now.

6/16 how to blog, by tony pierce

the most popular blog post i've ever written.

6/17 madpony quits blogging, and the busblog got the exclusive interview

kristin: sigh

dumbass_dumberass: should i blame your bf?

kristin: nah

dumbass_dumberass: whats the reason then?

kristin: i'm just tired of it

6/18 danielle is introduced to the blogosphere

whenever im around the office for lunchtime i like to eat with her cuz shes funny, shes smart, shes brutally honest, and there has never been a topic that she wont discuss with me.

and she hates wearing underwear.

youd be suprised how depressing it can be saving the world. so its nice to have a happy girl to have a half sandwich and soup with on a june gloom friday.

she loves anthropologie and fishing. she likes to hike through the palisades and rich guys with loose wallets. she'll flash you if you dare her so i dont dare her.

6/19 napoleon dynamite movie review

disguised as a review of the mini glutton bowl that took place at the la film fest outside the cinema.

6/20 oj and courtney and everyone but you

on this post you can follow along as i read aloud (via audblog) a poem i had written exactly ten years ago

6/21 dear amazon dot com are you fucking kidding me?

in which i am critical of the amazon associates program and give a screenshot of my quarterly earnings.

6/22 had the monkey dream again this time with a weird ending

a chimp ripped the page out of his old machine pushed his reading glasses up the bride of his nose crossed his legs and inhaled from his cigarrette and exhaled out the corner of his mouth. laughed like monkeys do and without looking reached for his bottle of xxx and took a good swig and kept reading his little masterwork.

"what do you see?" an orangutan asked me and held up a white peice of paper that appeared to have a perfectly symmetrical coffee stain on it.

i see a coffee stain.

6/24 dear michael moore,

i seriously dont know why some people dont like you, but i like you.

i sorta love you.

i think your movies are terrific.

but deeper than that, i love how you make people yearn for 100% absolute truth.

people call you a liar in a way that you'd think that everyone else is completely honest.

6/25 dear vice president haliburton

in which we see the latest Dubya re-election commercial which compares democrats like john kerry, howard dean, and michael moore to hitler.

after being completely picked apart by metafilter, slashdot, and the rest of the web, the rnc changed the begining of the original by adding a twenty second disclaimer.

the new version can be seen on, it's called "Kerry's Coalition of the Wild-eyed"

6/28 Fahrenheit 9/11 a sober film review of the week's most popular documentary.

in which i answer some of jeff jarvis's and christopher hitchens's concerns about the movie.

Jarvis says, "The real problem with the film, the really offensive thing about it, is that in Fahrenheit 9/11, we -- Americans from the President on down -- are portrayed as the bad guys."

First of all President Bush in this film is portrayed as much more than just a bad guy. He's being portrayed as a greedy, dumb, slow-witted, poor-talking, "War President", who doesn't know how to win any wars, doesn't know how to treat soldiers, and isn't loved by his public.

Are you a bad guy if you send troops into a war and then decrease imminent danger" pay (from $225 to $150) and family separation allowance (from $250 to $100)? Are you a bad guy if you oppose the National Guard from receiving access to the Pentagon's health insurance system, despite knowing that only about one out of every five Guard members has no health insurance?

6/28 the busblog collection of 11 completely random online movie reviews of Fahrenheit 9/11

ok, i was being sarcastic.

they were 11 glowing reviews of the film, expertly edited to give one big nice even more-glowing review.

but to be fair i linked each paragraph to their original column.

and i also linked the rotten tomatoes site for the 130 positive reviews; and, to be fair, the 25 negative ones.

6/29 suddenly the republicans want to listen to clarke?

in which reader john stinson leaves a comment about how richard clarke said that it was his responsibility that the bin laden family were allowed to leave america on 9/13 when no other charter planes were allowed to fly.

so therefore michael moore's movie had at least one lie in it when it accused clarke's boss (at the time) president bush, for having the planes jet off before the fbi could interrogate the members of the powerful family who are very close to the bush family.

mr. stinson is greeted with a handful of other clarke quotes to mull over.

6/29 i swear we'll talk about babes soon begins with our buddy howard owens back again accusing yours truly of hating on bush because for the sole reasons that he's republican and im a liberal.

to which i explain that in recent history ive voted for just as many dems as repubs. that i like several of the planks of the main parties. and that i dont like bush because he feels it necessary to bullshit me, and my countrymen, who have mastered the art of bullshitting so well that atop my blog theres a clear warning of untruths ahead.

and i hate cuz hes dumb.

and in a brilliant little line, i summed up the irony of the theme of freedom. something that the president constantly claims to be bringing to the people of iraq even though he is against freedoms in the united states like gay marriages, abortions, presidential election recounts, free speech on the radio and tv, and the legalization of drugs that he himself has "experimented" with at great length and knows to be harmless:

freedom is a double edged sore.

but mostly in that line i was saying that when we as a country were at our most free we were also at our most vulnerable

and every once in a while you have to pay the price of so much freedom

but you shouldnt freak out about having to pay that price.

it's just part of the deal.

and later i ask not to be called a liberal.

not everyone who thinks bush is bad is a liberal.

some people just don't like being lied to in regards to why this country goes to war.

other people don't like being lied to about when public people are asked about their private sex life.

me, i couldn't care less about what you do sexually in the privacy of your oval office, but don't bullshit me about real matters of life and death.

and don't call me a liberal.

im an american, i can think for myself.

maybe the blogfather simply just overlooked the busblog. maybe im not interesting enough. maybe i dont write well enough. maybe i dont have enough fresh ideas.

maybe i'll just have to concentrate harder in july.

buzzmachine + tim blair + welch is back from romania

Previously on busblog...