the pirates of the caribbean:
the curse of the black pearl

starring johnny depp and keira knightley
walt disney pictures
directed by gore verbinski

why didnt anyone tell me that this was a movie about a gay pirate?

the girl who brought this movie over today in flip flops and a sirrong because its 80 degrees told me that all of you have already seen this so im not giving anything away by talking about this, so i will talk about this.

remember in that scene where johnny depp is on that island with nothing but that hot chick and gallons of rum? remember when he puts his arm on her shoulder and she says that she hasnt dranken enough rum to get it on.

remember when the eyeliner wearing pirate with his long dangley earings and his pretty blouse and perfectly groomed moustasche says that he hadnt had enough rum to get it on with her too?

gay.

but its ok.

i dont even mind if all of the pirates of the black pearl were symbolic of survivors of aids, half alive half dead, taking life on and not raping when they pilage while waiting for the gold treasure + blood cure to remove their "curse".

not only dont i mind it

i love it!

i especially love that the cure isnt the blood of the slinky young girl who doesnt like to wear dresses but prefers to crossdress in a british navy uniform, but its the blood of the slinky young boy who flounces around the smithery playing with his sword for three hours a day. every day.

5

my true love saw this movie and walked out because she said there was something fishy about it that just rubbed her the wrong way.

all i can say is i loved it. arrrrrrg.

i loved johnnys keith richards hunter s. thompson gay pirate

i loved thinking about a time when men didnt have to worry about their receeding hairlines because they wore pretty wigs

i loved the action and the special effects and the humor and the creativity.

on the greg vaine GBMRS? rating scale, i give this a good good good good.

dirty fez + welch + melting dolls

# | |

todays jimmy page's 60th birthday. second-best guitarist of all time. songwriter and star of the best band ever. devilworshiper, rockstar, icon, theramin player, dirty brit.

jimmy page wrote stairway to heaven in a haunted castle and when they went on tour he fell in love with a 14 year old girl who fell in love with him back.

he could play behind his back, he could play with a violin bow, he could play the mandolin, he could play the double neck SG twelve string and make it sound like a blitzkreig.

jimmy page was a rockstar when he was 20.

every single album that he made with zeppelin kicked the shit out of every single album that came out last year combined. and theyd all agree.

his band kicked so much ass they didnt even bother naming the first four records.

when they toured they had no blowup dolls, no video screen, no crazy lights, no smoke machine, no crazy back drop, no dancing girls, no balloons falling from the ceiling, no fireworks. they put their heads down and blew peoples minds. and their bandleader was a skinny little fuck who somehow stole the soul of robert johnson right from the hands of the devil and put the les paul on the map.

when led zeppelin would open their shows theyd start off with a half hour version of dazed and confused whose centerpiece was the dynamic musicality between page's solos and bonhams rhythms. while john paul jones laid down that ominous bass line and plant moaned, jimmy shredded in a way that rock has foolishly turned its back on.

his music was garish and loud and frenzied and exact. his music was like an angry beast in a hurricane. his music was like a butterfly metamorphisizing into a thousand rainbows.

his music socked a new hole in the ass of rock.

even when they were universally written off as over-the-hill, page and plant got on mtvs unplugged in their 50s and delivered the best unplugged record of all time, even better than nirvanas. some would say twice as good.

recently cadillac wanted to appeal to a slightly younger crowd than the seniors who had been loyal to their sedans over the years.

they sent a few brinks trucks to jimmy page

and now the caddy is back. back in a big way.

fuck the beatles.

ming the mechanic + vodka pundit + blogumentary + tomdog

# | |

caption this, please

# | |

fuck jimmy fallon. fuck friends. fuck rush limbaugh. fuck the view. fuck the president. fuck smog. fuck hemmoriods. fuck taxes. fuck colin quinn. fuck sally jesse fucking raphael. fuck american idol when theyre not auditioning people. fuck rick dees. fuck casey kasem. fuck people who care how i spell. fuck people who leave anonymous negative feedback.

fuck carson daly.

fuck tribune corp who owns the chicago cubs.

fuck the la times.

fuck rude drivers, aids, dollar chinese food that tastes like dog, fuck shrimp fried rice that has onions in it after i politely asked for no onions, fuck my phone that never stops ringing.

fuck infomercials.

my buddy travis k. is pleading with me to not fuck friends so i rescind my fucking of friends and i double fuck jimmy fallon who has a week to learn tina feys jokes and ALWAYS fucks them up.

fuck the fcc. when will adults get their tvs back?

fuck colin powell for not running. fuck michael powell for being more of an uncle tom sellout than his sellout dad.

fuck the yankees. fuck sars. fuck the terrorists. fuck the idea of terrorists. fuck the terror alert level.

fuck britney spears and her wedding. double fuck britney spears and her annulment. fuck the judge who took the bribe and annulled her marriage even though you cant annul marriages because "it was a joke."

fuck the malloof brothers.

fuck people who make bad movies.

fuck meter maids. fuck the pope. fuck all the cardinals. fuck some of my old bosses. fuck the white sox. fuck mice. fuck lice. fuck bart giammottis rotting corpse.

fuck kathy lee gifford. still.

fuck almost everything thats on the radio.

fuck newscasters fuck djs fuck dance clubs fuck tickemaster to all hell.

fuck george bush and his father and his mother. yep fuck his mother too.

fuck quiet riot, fuck becks last few records, fuck pearl jam and 103.1s love affair with them, fuck KROQ, fuck dumbass motherfuckers who always end up not only in my life but central to my life.

fuck the flu

fuck young republicans, fuck screaming babies, fuck kids who have kids, fuck starbucks, fuck abecrombie, fuck tommy hillfucker, fuck fear, fuck zima, fuck yuma, fuck barry bonds, fuck steroids

fuck mosquitoes.

fuck sub-eighty degree temps in southern california.

fuck carpal tunnel syndrome.

and of course

fuck kwanza.

fuck + fuck fuck fuck + metafilter

# | |

i have so many ideas. i cant sit on them. my hope is someone will read this one day and go, holy fuck man, and then insist that i work for them. better yet, that i work with them.

its ten thirty. i havent eaten yet. i had a very nice surprise guest who offered to drive me home from work. then we had beers and talked and talked and then my landlady wanted me to mail my rent check. and then miss montreal called. then my true love. there just arent enough hours in the day.

im reluctant to watch this pete rose interview on abc. im reluctant to watch donald trumps new show.

all i want to do is write to you as tom waits sings me his newest songs off my media player.

all i want is for calgon to take me away.

all i want is something different better faster sleeker louder taller thicker wetter juicier with less calories and no carbs.

tsars on now.

if it wasnt for bukowski i would think that either you made it at nineteen or you never made it ever. that either the world got you immediately or the best you could wish for was something cool after you died.

i dont think i wrote anything very good for aarons baseball blog and for that, aaron, i apologize.

i miss the sopranos.

wanna know what i resolve.

its ok to have new new years resolutions eight days after the new year.

i resolve to just be cool about the job i have.

and the life im leading.

and the words that get typed in this space.

its all so disposable anyway isnt it. no more or less important than my twenty nine dollar dvd player.

in real life america. in real life, theres a hot shot young woman who wants to spend the weekend with me doing what i love to do.

nothing.

once she just slept on my couch while i wrote and thats pretty nice.

im sorry i complained that it was seventy today, canada.

i'll stop wishing i was better.

amy + aaron's baseball blog + leah now has comments

# | |

as you know i have a staff of writers composed entirely of a hundred monkeys who think that they are the stars of this blog and not i. some days they might be right.

i wore a sweater into work today like a chump. its seventy one degrees here in LA today but its a cold seventy one if you can believe that.

had a little controversy with the blogger header today. the blogger header is the picture that i put on the top of this blog. usually i will take a picture and do something with it. sometimes i will just crop a picture. the other day tina linked to the incredible illustrations of kozyndan.

i of course fell in love with their style immediately

and i of course ganked their shit without permission.

cuz im a bum.

and of course they wrote me and called me out.

as they should.

with a very super superdooper wtf.

with a bonus compliment thrown in.

which is why i will probably get one of their posters soon.

im thinking about the bus one.

ashley just called me. crying. that girl sure can cry. i keep telling her i have to work. she doesnt care. she can hear the blades of chopper one but she doesnt believe that its me flying around hunting down bad guys.

she says i dont miss her. but i do.

i do.

for two years i talked to her every day. more than once a day.

of course i miss her.

today is a bizarre day.

i wish i had a way to express it to you in a word or two as thats all i have.

i wish there was one word that could paint the picture.

lets think of a good word now.

meadowlark.

today is as crazy as a damn meadowlark, people.

luckydisc

# | |

i never liked school. except for the chicks. i never liked wearing a suit to work. never liked mondays. never liked working overtime. never liked paying my rent. even though i hardly have to pay anything.

my landlady called today. shes 91. she actually called yesterday.

am i going crazy tony, or have you not paid your rent?

i called her this morn and told her that she wasnt going crazy, that for whatever reason i was the one who had forgotten to pay my rent.

i would love it if they just took my rent right out of my paycheck. everyone else seems to have their way with my paltry check.

this morning i wasnt so happy when i arrived at the hangar. chopper one was getting another overhaul. its creepy. i dont trust them.

heres what i like to do when i get into work. i like to read my email as chopper one warms up. i like to get a croissant from across the street and eat it with my apple juice. i like to see if anyone has commented on the post that i wrote the night before, then i like to fly chopper one around santa monica as the morning begins.

lately my routine has been all screwy.

its affecting the writing.

im so very sorry.

i feel like im a fish and a bunch of weirdos are making me drink booze.

a hot chick is gonna spend the weekend with me. a vacation of sorts. a weekend excursion. im thinking about just having her get a bunch of food and beer and lock ourselves up in my guest house in the back and lock all the doors. and while she sleeps i'll write and while shes awake we will go through the tivo and just watch and watch and hold hands and watch her try on different outfits.

these are the things hemingway did, im pretty sure.

the drinking parts at least.

problem is a big time porn company has flowed me free tickets to the adult video convention in vegas this weekend.

i could go, but then the prospective employers who might be reading this blog might think that im some perv. im no perv. im just bored and i have no problems with naked people who get down.

people have dumber jobs.

like me.

read it before she deletes it again + steph + rupaul

# | |

the real world
san diego
mtv
tuesday nights at ten pm

being 110 years old has its advantages. one of them is i remember life before mtv.

i know for some of you thats hard to believe, but yes, such a day once existed.

they were super dull days, but we got by.

i think i went outside a lot. hard to remember.

mtv was the killer ap of cable in the early 80s. there wasnt cnn. espn & hbo were mere shells of themselves and not all that good. but mtv... fuck.

mtv kicked ass.

it still does in a strange way that has very little to do with music videos, but like, whatever.

shows like the osbournes, cribs, newlyweds: nick and jessica, jackass, punk'd, viva la bam, road rules, and their original "reality" show the real world make most of the programming on the other major networks look old and slow and dull.

there was a time that i could name all the vjs on mtv, now im not even sure they have them any more, but i can tell you everything about the first episode of the real world san diego, which oddly is exactly what mtv wants us to be doing.

it was obvious that mtv gave up on vjs when they kept renewing john norris's contract.

the real world san diego is filled with more stereotypes than ever before.

youve got the sleepy-eyed buff motorcycle-riding chicagoian, brad, 21, who has been with his girlfriend for four years. the girls admit that hes your typical dumb fratboy but they cant keep their hands off of him, which just goes to show you one thing, america, hot chicks love big dumb guys with girlfriends.

in a typical real world moment in the first episode, brad finds himself telling his new roommates that he has an eight inch penis. immediately two of the girls (the ultrathin blonde south carolinian, cameran; and the ginormously fake tittied 22 year old bartop dancer, robin) attempt to pull down his pants playfully.

brad eludes their girly attacks and takes cameran up to a nook in the san diego marina house, which all 7 of them will share for 5 months, to call his girlfriend so that she can verify the length of his mighty sword.

it's 4:45am pacific time, 6:45am chicago time.

annie?
hi.
hi baby. did i wake you?
mmm yeah.
im so sorry-- listen though, honestly, and i dont want to pull it out, and youre thinking this is ****ing ridiculous, but everybody heres arguing about the size of their **** i know this is ridiculous, but youve got to be serious... how big am i?

he puts the phone next to cameran's ear

eight inches.
what kind of eight? what kind of eight are we talking about?
i dont know, im not doing this.
thick. ass. eight. and you know it.

cameran gets off the couch in a fit of laughter and embarassment and falls over after taking one step and crawls away laughing, sweet ass high in the air in her tight jeans.

theres jaime a hot little korean girl, first generation american. theres a firehouse red rockabilly girl who has cystic fibrosis but still smokes cigarettes. theres a prettyboy massachusettes hunk who could very well be a jeans model for all i know.

and then theres the token black.

this year my man is a college student from the predominantly black georgia school Morehouse. hes nice. hes dull. he wears glasses and looks like a grown up Urkel.

he doesnt belong.

real world has consistently had a horrible track record of casting cool black people. there was afroguy in the second new york cast, mohammed in the frisco cast that nobody remembers cuz he was barely around the puck world, and teck from hawaii. all the others had some pretty serious issues.

jacquese will at best end up being the voice of reason for the other six who will probably have a great time among themselves, but odds are he will be bored out of his mind and completely left out like a common exchange student.

its almost like after two seasons in a row of highly sexual black men (paris, vegas) it was time for the real world to let the kids know that not every black man only wanted to bed every babe in town.

despite urkel, i have high hopes for this cast. they like to drink. theyre into each other. my chicagoian is a trip. and the ladies love walking around in their bikinis - alot.

which we all know is exactly how the world really is.

on the greg vaine rating scale, i give the first episode of the real world san diego a good good good good.

candied ginger + xtracyx + i look good

# | |

a message for sister ramsey



audio post powered by audblog

# | |

who knew defending the all-time hit king would lead to such good questions?

Q. Hey Tony,

I don't know that much, but I heard a good question with regard to betting on your own team. If you're constantly betting your own team, how are the bookies responding on those days you don't bet?

Dan

Dear Dan,

I agree with you, it is a good question. Underneath the question is a statement that goes like this, "if Lefty the Bookie sees that Pete bets on the Reds monday wednesday thursday and friday, then Lefty will bet AGAINST the reds on tuesday, and perhaps give Pete a cut of the winnings."

Problem is, bookies dont make their money betting.

Bookies make their money off the practice of Everyone betting. They get a cut of the gamble. its called the Vig. Bookies just want people to keep gambling, they couldnt care less if Pete doesnt bet on his team on a game where he doesnt have a great pitcher on the hill.

But good question anyhow.

Q. A manager is going to manage differently if he wants to win one particular game, rather than many games over the course of the week.

If Pete Rose bets on his team Monday, then uses up his entire bullpen and bench trying to get the best possible matchups, won't that hamstring him for Tuesday's game? A manager normally would account for the games in the future as well as the game they are managing at the time.

If Rose has $5,000 riding on Monday's game, that's not as apt to happen.

See the conflict?

- Sean

A. Sean i could see the conflict if we were talking about any other mlb player other than Charlie Hustle, who, must i remind you, plowed over Ray Fosse in the all-star game, an exhibition game, and virtually ended Fosse's career.

Pete not only wants to win Mondays game, but Tuesday and Wednesdays games.

But seperately than that, arent you supposed to do everything you can to win Today's game?

And thirdly, is there a record of Pete blowing out pitchers' arms the way, say, Billy Martin did with the A's in the 80s? the answer is no.

Try again

Q. Tony,

Let's s(ay) your best gun in the pen has pitched 3 days straight and his arm is jello. The game is on the line and you say a few thousand on your team. You are the manager with that grand on the game?

Do you go ahead and blow out his rotater cuff or do you bench him.

What do you think Charlie did?

Chris

A. I think Charlie wouldnta bet on his team on the fourth day after his closer has pitched 3 days straight.

If anyone would have known NOT to bet on the Reds that day it woulda been Pete.

And, of course, anyone else who was smart enough to read the box scores that week before putting down a grand on a team whose closer has been used three days in a row.


Q. Hey Tony -

Will you be commenting on the following?

Jerry Krause, upon resigning as the Chicago Bulls' executive vice president for basketball operations after 18 years with the organization, the last five of which were not too stellar: "The rigors and stress of the job have caused me some minor physical problems in the past few years. Those problems can be eliminated if I lessen my load for a while and concentrate on overcoming them."

ryan

A. Hi Ryan,

I do have a comment.

Fuck Jerry Krause.

Tony

aaron has a guest columnist on his baseball blog today

# | |

you didnt believe him then, i dont believe him now.

look at that picture.

look at that cover of sports illustrated.

do you see a liar there?

i see two liars.

pete said that bud selig said that he had one question for pete, and then he asked at least four right there!

but whats also telling about this alleged confession is the date.

when mr selig looked at pete rose and asked him the first of those four questions and pete rose told him that he bet on baseball

the commisioner of baseball sat on that information for 14 months

bud selig knew in november of 2002

something doesnt smell right

why did the commisioner of baseball keeping this information quiet until pete rose wanted to write a book

seems to me that the commisioners office has been making a lot of deals with pete rose and thats why i dont believe this quote unquote confession.

when baseballs greatest hitter was given a lifetime ban he didnt fight it because he worked out a deal with then-commisioner bart giamatti that he would be allowed a review 2-3 years later. little did pete know that the commish's incredibly bad karma of banning baseballs best hitter ever would kill him within a week.

and now apparently rose had a deal with selig that he would say he bet on baseball as long as there were some terms attached

and it looked like one of the terms was that selig wouldnt tell anyone about the "confession" until pete had finished his book.

so what were the other terms that selig made with rose regarding this alleged revelation?

could it be that bud told pete that If he confessed Then he would be allowed on the hall of fame ballot?

is that too much of a reach?

if more than one commisioner is capable of making any deals with pete rose regarding the 17 time all-star's alleged gambling behavoir, isnt it possible that the sitting commisioner was capable of persuading rose to say what everyone thought was true regardless of if it actually was true?

i think so.

commissioners are all about power and bud selig is no exeption.

bud selig the former owner of the milwaukee brewers who had no business being commissioner has flexed his powers in nearly every way possible. he allowed the world series to be cancelled, he stopped the all star game, he instigated interleague play, he even tried to eliminate the minnesota twins and montreal expos.

now he wants to not only be the good guy who allows pete into the hall of fame

but he also wants to be the badass who brings him to his knees.

i do not think it is beyond the scope of bud selig to be involved in a dirty deal thats less interested in the "truth" or in repentance, as it is in powerplays, legacies, and pissing contests.

fuck bud selig

free pete rose

if you think hes been lying for 14 years why do you think hes telling the truth about this?

and on top of it, who the hell cares if he bet on his team

if i owned a team id want every single one of my players betting on their team.

since when did betting on your team become the same thing as betting against your team?

huge difference, by the way.

ask any bookie.

speaking of books, bet on the fact that on thursday i get rose's

tina + tiffany + leah

# | |

my first computer was an apple IIc. it was 128k, had a monochrome monitor (nerf green), and one 5 1/4 floppy disc drive.

my mother co-signed my computerland line of credit and i walked out of there paying a little more than $1,500.

the $250 black and white dot matrix printer, the applewriter, i wrote a check for.

separately.

you will never hear me say that a computer is running slowly.

years later i found myself the proud owner of my first mac, a performa 6300cd.

100 mhz, with a 1 gig harddrive, and a built-in 28.8 modem.

$1,200 and my mom didnt have to cosign for it. i put it on my computer city credit that i had just opened.

i bought an hp 600 dpi scanner to go with it for $450. i also got a motorola isdn modem.

i learned photoshop on that thing, i learned html on it, i surfed the web for days and days and nights and nights and nights and nights.

it wasnt the greatest computer, but i was a loyal apple user.

and then napster showed up.

and then napster got huge.

and napster at that time didnt work on macs.

and i could get a 400 mhz p2 computer for $899

and dsl.

and i havent owned an apple product since.

everyone has a soft spot for the underdog, for the innovator, for the creators of cool.

as much as i love music, and as many mp3s that i have, youd think id have an iPod, but i dont. i like to read when im on the bus. and when im flying chopper one i have to listen to the command post.

if apple was smart theyd take the mini technology that theyre developing for their new mini iPods and put that into the back of a cell phone or digital camera.

i dont mind if my phone is a little bigger.

and my digital camera already uses the flash memory cards that will be in the new iPod and i'll tell you, i NEVER get close to using even half of the 256mb memory.

instead of putting bad cameras on decent phones, why not put little ipods in good cameras.

click different.

marc brown is at macworld

# | |

pete rose is one of my all-time heroes, not just baseball heroes. he didnt let being a slowfooted whitetrash uneducated slackjawed yokel stop him from getting more hits than anyone who ever played pro baseball.

they say hitting a round ball with a round bat is the hardest thing to do in sports and pete rose did it more times than anyone.

he wrote a book that i bought when i was 12 called How To Hit Better Than Anybody.

most baseball players -- check that -- most Hall of Famers have a hitting milestone of 3,000 hits. get 3,000 and you're guaranteed entry into the Hall of Fame.

Pete Rose had over 4,000 hits but he is not in the Hall of Fame today because he was accused of betting on baseball.

Ever since the Chicago Black Sox scandal that John Cusack was involved in about 100 years ago baseball has been hypersensitive about gambling. sadly they should have paid more attention to betting AGAINST your team as opposed to betting ON your team.

The Black Sox took money to lose the world series. Huge difference between throwing a game and believing in your team so much that you'd put your money where your scorecard is.

Anyhow, when Pete was manager of the Reds he got involved with some criminals who ratted him out and exposed his troubles with gambling. It was never revealed that Pete bet AGAINST the Reds but Bart Giamatti, the commish of baseball didnt care. He banned the greatest hitter of all time from baseball and in doing so the IRS threw Pete in jail for tax evasion for not claiming his gambling winnings with his annual taxes.

Giamatti was struck down by GOD and his successor chose to be just as hardheaded and continued to ban Pete and keep him from his rightful place in the hallowed Hall of Fame in Cooperstown.

Before Giamatti croaked he made a deal with Charlie Hustle. he said as long as he didnt fight the action being brought against him, that he would be eligible for reinstatement into baseball in 2-3 years. Hick-ass pete actually believed the commish and didnt fight the fist and got f'ed.

he never admitted to betting on baseball until now and they had never proved it. all they had was the testimony of guys who either were in prison or had spent some heavy time in prison. thats whos gonna keep out the all time hit king?

only reason pete rose is admitting that he bet on baseball is to sell a book and get in the hall of fame

which is an awfully pathetic place to put somebody in and baseball should be ashamed.

pete rose is everything great about the american dream. he wasnt fast or powerful or pretty or smart but he gave his all and became a winner and the best hitter of all time.

the front office of major league baseball should not be in the business of tearing a man down so they can then honor him for eternity.

the all time hit king deserves bettor.

aarons baseball blog + eric case + see thru skin + so lonesome

# | |

she was sexy. far too sexy for me. the things she would say would sound sexy and she wasnt even trying. didnt have to. sometimes i would feel bad projecting things like that on certain girls, but with her i wasnt projecting, she was oozing.

people ooze things all the time. some people are just plain dickheads, and they ooze that. some people are super super shy and they ooze that.

the fact that shaq can take it coast to coast if he needed to and drive the lane and bring it, she was that without any of your silly words

the flip in her hair was like that

dont dare look at her eyes, or her lips for that matter cuz the mouth could get you with the shape the glisten or the way the teeth hid there peeking. you didnt realize it but youd been ganged up as you were cowardly trying to retreat by a glossed upper lip.

no help at the neck. which was perfect. which hung cuteness like a simple bow.

even her freckles would fuck with you.

perk pierced pointy tas trying to get out of that ultra tight monogrammed sweater

heather cynthia tomlinson

but the way the monogram streteched the "c" it looked like an "o"

even her

o

looked sexy.

she told me that she has gotten to read the palms of all her friends and now she would like to read mine.

i said are we friends.

she said of course we're friends tony.

her mouth made an o

every once in a while i will write the truth on here

i recommend you do the same on yours.

i said what happens if i dont want my palm read.

she said tony pierce.

people call me by my name alot.

same thing happens to my man john woo.

i said good book says to stay away from mediums and psychics.

she said but im neither of those.

i said maybe you dont know you are yet.

and whats fucked up the most

is her lips

which i shouldnt have been watching

moved apart just enough

to make a new

smaller

o

and i think thats

when she officially became

it.

kate + virginia + amy + lick

# | |

ah monday, you dirty sleepy whore. im thinking about letting it all hang loose this year in the busblog. would you respect me in the morning?

Lick is going to be the depository for all the secrets of the world, but the busblog shouldnt hold back this year. why should it?

mondays at the xbi are hell. fucked up hell. everything that shoulda gotten done the week before or the month before gets dumped into monday and everyone plays catchup and when shit falls downhill it hits me in the eye and you know what i do? i take it. buck stops here. i dont say that in any heroic way, its just the way i wish everyone was. could you imagine if everyone just took care of business and didnt pass the buck? sheesh.

all i want to do today is write. last night all i wanted to do was write. yesterday the phone rang off the hook, and now today the work phone is ringing off the hook.

when the phone here rings too much i try to find out an excuse to take chopper one up for a looksee. but lately theyve been trying to keep things on the download.

friggin terrorists.

everyone is cautious about what goes on in the friendly skies.

not i.

not i.

pretty girl emailed me today. sent me a picture. normally i dont open attatchments. today i did cuz i dont care. mondays im reckless. i need to stop that.

now everyones talking to me. they see im typing. they see im blogging. cant they see im on my government mandated 15 minute break? i havent even eaten lunch today cuz someone brought in mcdonalds for breakfast. let me write fools.

what do i have to say? what do i have to say? i have to say that i want to have something to say. some one left me a comment in my super long post of last night asking for advice on how to write a blog. heres my advice. write and write and write and write. pretend that your mom isnt reading. pretend that prospective employers arent reading it. pretend that youre secretly not trying to get laid cuz of your blog. pretend what you have to say has an audience.

in a word write and pretend.

for example. anna kournikova called me this morning when i was putting the last drops of rogaine in my fro. she read that i had told her to f off in an earlier post.

why you gotta be like that? she asked me.

be like what

be like that!

cuz youre a ho.

you a ho!

so, at least i admit it.

tony pierce why do you have to be so mean to me ALL the time.

cuz you married a boybander when we were supposed to go on vacation.

wont you EVER forgive me for that?

uh, no. probably not.

then you will never have me back again.

yeah, like mail order bride ruskies are a dime a dozen.

fuck you!

sorry, a ruble a dozen.

and with that she hung up on me.

splink wouldnt hang up on me + jack is killing me at fantasy hoops + bunnie rules

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busses were mellow today. even the poor are taking a few extra days off to get ready for the new year.

i gotta tell you, im not looking forward to it. i dont know why. for some reason i feel like i avoided some really bad shit last year, other than the flu, and im not particularly sure that i can matador '04. but lets keep our fingers crossed and play to win as opposed to playing not-to-lose.

my sympathies go out to madpony kristin whose college football team nearly pulled a sweet comeback last night on national tv in prime time during a college game played in a dome yet the field was covered in grass. better luck next year baby. and i hate to say it, but southern cal had a better team.

flagrant splinky girl has to be somewhere in a week. i wonder where. you know what a good tv show would be? me and splink living together in a two bedroom house in hollywood. we'd be like the odd couple in that i eat like a pig and she eats granola out of little plastic bags. she likes her little mood music and i still rock out to gwar and suicidal tendencies.

but the creamy center of the reality show would be that together we help each other stop being such homebodies by taking cross country trips in our vw hippiebus and meet bloggers. the model and the madman. next on fox.

so the bus has new prices here in LA. used to be $1.35 which is obviously a rip cuz who the hell has 35 cents, and since the bus doesnt make change, they usually end up getting either 15 cents more than they deserve, or 65 cents.

to make themselves look like theyre giving a discount, they "lower"ed the fare to $1.25. yay, right?

no.

to stick it to the poor, they eliminated transfers, which last year cost a quarter.

so lets say youre taking the 20 east from santa monica and you want to transfer to the 720 rapid to head to los feliz. in the olden days you'd pay $1.60 ($1.35 + $.25), now you have to pay two Full fares ($2.50!)

the MTA tries to play it off by saying, oh no no no, we have a new thing called the Day Pass, where for $3 you can go anywhere you want all day.

dicks.

and to top it off, for those of us who use bus passes, the rate went from $42 to $52, which in some cases gives the regular commuter No Discount for paying a month in advance.

take this month, for example. theres 15 commuting days since 1/1 and 1/2 were holidays. if one would get a Day Pass for those 15 days, that would be $45.

what they are doing is punishing those who would prefer the convienence of one pass as opposed to forking over $3 every damn morning.

fuck you, mta.

in a town like LA, especially in a town like LA where gridlock is a few years away, they should be bending over backwards to encourage people to use public transportation and to carpool and to get rides from hot chicks, not charging extra for bus passes.

id ask Gov. Arnold for relief but he's too busy revoking the car tax for his many Hummers.

sutter + ev + blue cad

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end of the year questionaire

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?

shaved all my hair off

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

sorta. yes.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

yes, mr. jeff solomon, who once was a business partner of mine, and who is currently the lead bass player in my favorite band, and his love, the amazing and talented erin of the walnut creek johnsons.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

ive always felt very close to johnny cash.

5. What countries did you visit?

i think i went to mexico.

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?

a redhead

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

4/20: first time i got so drunk i completely forgot what i had done

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

marrying bonnie and charlie

9. What was your biggest failure?

not capitalizing on the la times calling this blog the most entertaining blog in la.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

i think i was sick for two days.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

my 230-hour directv tivo

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

my true love was on fire this year

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

steve bartman, the jackass who ruined everything for the cubs

14. Where did most of your money go?

savings. :)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

i had a great idea for a dream job that nearly came true

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?

take it off, the donnas

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

probably the same

ii. thinner or fatter?

8 lbs thinner!

iii. richer or poorer?

richer!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

i wish i had written more. specifically the xxx novel.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

i hate to say it, but reading almost every webpage that i could find.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

with karisa, drunk, full, wet.

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?

nearly every day.

23. How many one night stands?

they all came back at least once, baby.

24. What was your favourite TV programme?

the howard stern show on e!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

just one person: mr. steve bartman.

26. What was the best book you read?

moneyball

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

the dynomite local outfit: the corvids, athen georgia's drive-by truckers, and the poormans jesus and mary chain: the ravonettes

28. What did you want and get?

i wanted to succeed a job i wasnt qualified for that would push me to my limits. i succeeded. bitches.

29. What did you want and not get?

the cubs to win the world series.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

lost in translation

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

i went to a strip club with my true love, ate pf changs, and then a curvy brunette did me. 110.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

a job offer from Playboy

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?

dumbass who probably doesnt even speak english

34. What kept you sane?

dsl, dss, chris, liana, karisa (pictured)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

xtina

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

lies about going to war typically stir me

37. Who did you miss?

ashley

38. Who was the best new person you met?

travis k. smiley, junior secret agent at the xbi

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003.

rush limbaugh does way more drugs than i do.

40. What was the best thing to happen to the web this year?

Buzznet

41. Who did you steal this from?

bettiegirl

42. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

heres the whole song, which came out in 2003 even though the cd wont be out till 2004

Tsar
Star Time
Hollywood Records
(whalen)

LA is the place to be, and if it aint as shocking as it used to be
take the bullet out your head
put it back in the gun
get your finger on the trigger

welcome, everybody, to the city of sound
they feast on the defeated
turn the city around
all they want to do is get up on your action.
let em go.

my brothers are all proud rockers
wild and aloof and trippin on acid.
my sisters are all stun stunners
wired to the roof and rolling on adam.

baby you live like a suicide
hell, somebody's got to stand up and die

well, i think i live down in hollywood
never liked no fraud who wastes his money for food
for fifteen-minute freaks
to fan the flannel flame
cuz he used you, man.

come on,
pass the pipe and take the test
cuz youre the young lee harvey
man, you're david koresh,
and if you dont dig that
why dont you go home
and watch some tivo, fucker

my sisters are all nice rockers
shoes to the roof, and looking up at my way.
my brothers are all jean-cutters,
glued to the tube and jumping like an osprey.

the hey hey never let me down
they love the sound of it getting around

and we say, oh
american girl
fill my heart with gladness, lord
you gotta save my soul
clean my mouth of sadness,
lord

my brothers are all proud rockers
trippin on acid.
my sisters are all stun stunners
rolling on Adam.
x2

wash these devils off

star time
rock n roll
make up your mind
to this world, come on,
get ready to let it rock on

star time
we'll steal the show
so many miles to goooooooo

and let it rock on

get ready
to let it
rock on
x3

fimoculous + leah + gweilo diaries

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well there he is: mr. britney spears. instapundit doesnt care. jarvis doesnt care. steve hall had to seriously consider whether he cared and finally had to give in out of fear of being slammed by this very blog.

but certainly jason allen alexander (pictured) of kentwood louisiana cared that he married britney spears this weekend.

and you know what j-dog, i care.

for years now i have been barraged with images and "music" and gossip and "news" about whether or not she got a boob job, or whether she was still a virgin, or what was up with her and justin, or if she was a smoker(!)

christina aguilera came out with a dirtier and more beautiful record in 2003 than britney did.

she had five geniune hits: dirrty, can't hold us down, fighter, impossible, and beautiful.

and yet madonna kisses britney and that image becomes one of the most identifiable moments in 2003. not when madonna kissed xtina seconds later.

but strangely, when britney decides on a whim to get hitched in vegas, its not news.

jarvis and reynolds arent the only one sharing adrants's yawns, britneys nuptials arent even on any three of yahoos top 20 most emailed, most viewed or highest rated stories of the weekend.

i thought you people loved britney spears

and weddings

and elopments in vegas

and the palms in vegas

and the maloof brothers.

has britney jumped the shark?

well jason, i care that you married britney spears this weekend, at 5 in the morning, in the same little chapel that denis rodman married carmen electra while drunk and being held up my a midget.

i care that you had a wild vegas weekend with britney spears and of right now youre still married to her and youre back home and youve got some stories to tell.

too bad Lick only takes stories from women.

...britney

dogboy + vanmega + doc doesnt care. hes seen it all.

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so britney spears wants to get married as a joke, and then go an have it annulled.

well i think the joke should be on her.

if i was the pope or some other non-biblically elected church official i would suggest to the other church heads that nobody give mrs. alexander any damn annullment.

the institution of marriage in america today has a 50% divorce rate. what brit did the other night rubs its face into the fact that the Ultimate commitment isnt worth the keno card that its written on.

id make an example of her and her sham wedding.

and if i was the state of nevada i'd follow suit.

how can you get married in one day and divorced a few days later and not make the entire "institution" a joke?

she signed the paperwork, she paid the $55, she kissed the groom, she laughed and she laughed and then she danced with one of the malloof brothers in the real world suite.

and now she should have to wait till death till she parts.

either that or she should give her husband half of her income as a penalty.

but i say she should have to stay married. forever.

let no man tear apart what God has brought together.

and all that.

ho.

saying "i do" should not be part of a marketing campaigned designed to sell more records than outkast.

and anyway, i dont see a nevada statute that says you can get your marriage annuled because it was a joke.

closest i see is one that will annul your ass if youre crazy. which perhaps she is.

instapundit still hasnt covered this breaking media event + nor has the creator of entertainment weekly + fark was funny about it

# | |

Jeff Jarvis wants to know why the Beagle website was so slow to finally announce on its site that it got a message from its Mars lander.

I've got the same question, Jeff, but different. Why is it that the Syndey Morning Herald is reporting that Britney Spears got married yesterday in Vegas and BritneyFans.com "the #1 source for Britney Fans" didnt consider it reason enough to update?

"Scottish news direct from Scotland", scotsman.com is reporting about the 22 yr old songstress marrying her old hometown chum in sin city, and yet BritneySpears.com "the official website" is still congratulating fan club member Rebecca Graba who won the "In the Zone" CD pre-sale contest.

ABC News dot com has it, and yet MTV dot com does not.

and currently its 1am sunday morning. this shit happened more than 24 hours ago.

Britney.com, her record label's site devoted to her doesnt tell its fans that their pop star is a mrs., which is mighty jive.

World of Britney dot com and britney spears dot org have the friggin marriage certificate, and yet the smoking gun is telling us about an old geezer who held up a pizza hut with an electric drill.

the web sure aint what it used to be jeff.

thats for damn sure.

how can britney.com.br, the brazilian fan club have the news of what might be the most famous young woman in the world getting married, and yet the los angeles times doesnt have a freaking word about it.

how many brazillians do you think they staff at britney.com.br?

how many vh-1ers do you think they staff at vh-1 who hasnt added any news updates since 12/30/03 when they reported on ms. spears' "toxic" video. dont you think yesterday might have been a good day to stroll into the office after a long weekend, just cuz, you know, they are calling that section news after all. or does mtv and vh-1 have a different time frame for when news isnt new any more?

perhaps they subscribe to the la times' and the chicago tribune's philosphy, which is news isnt new until they get around to reporting on it.

you'd think at least theyd read the paper of record who has several search results linking its readers to Reuters and AP reports of the big news.

my condolences to my man o-dub who shoulda been that guy.

metafilter, by the way, had the item posted at 10pm pacific tonight. and its first wisecrack came two minutes later.

who needs newspapers?

although if the LA Times had a blog, maybe they wouldnt seem so obsolete

my question though is where are the bloggers? wheres doc searls or boingboing? i thought the internet never slept.

all you people gave andrew sullivan money last year, wheres his lazy ass on a saturday night? not in front of a computer like he oughtta be.

my guess is, because of the time difference, blair will get it before glenn.

my guess is the times wont have it till monday.

britney@staples 6/6/02 + lauren defends britney 12/06/02 + interview with an escalator

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