i know these are dumb and narcisistic, but theyre easy and drudge would never do them so here:

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: dumbass
-- Birth date: rocktober 22
-- Birthplace: our nations capital
-- Current Location: hollywood
-- Eye Color: black
-- Hair Color: black
-- Height: 5'10"
-- Righty or Lefty: green
-- Zodiac Sign: libra/scorpio

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: american
-- The shoes you wore today: just socks
-- Your weakness: morning blogging
-- Your fears: theyve all been realized
-- Your perfect pizza: ginos east with sausage & pepperoni
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: retrieving my mojo

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: im 110
-- Your first waking thoughts: i love howard stern
-- Your best physical feature: hands
-- Your most missed memory: huh?

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: diet pepsi
-- McDonald's or Burger King: kfc
-- Single or group dates: im not that kinky - single
-- Adidas or Nike: f nike and their sweatshops
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: long island
-- Chocolate or vanilla: both, as often as possible
-- Cappuccino or coffee: that junk is for adults

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: only in amsterdam
-- Cuss: never
-- Sing: horribly
-- Take a shower everyday: not on weekends unless i have a date
-- Do you think you've been in love: dozens of times
-- Want to go to college: my favorite 7 yrs were spent there, why not
-- Liked high school: sorta
-- Want to get married: definately
-- Believe in yourself: only when im drunk
-- Get motion sickness: rarely
-- Think you're attractive: nope
-- Think you're a health freak: i wash my hands a lot
-- Like thunderstorms: of course
-- Play an instrument: made a girl sing today

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: duh
-- Smoked: double duh
-- Done a drug: triple duh
-- Made Out: quadruple duh
-- Gone on a date: hmmm, not sure id call them dates
-- Gone to the mall?: no
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: they come in bags
-- Eaten sushi: of course, oh wait do you mean, then hell no.
-- Been on stage: yes but the cameras were off
-- Been dumped: if you dont get said no to youre not risking
-- Gone skating: im old, no
-- Made homemade cookies: havent workd the oven in a year
-- Dyed your hair: ha!

LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: but of course
-- If so, was it mixed company: but of course
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: but of course
-- Been caught "doing something": people honked from below, so yes
-- Been called a tease: hmmm
-- Gotten beaten up: lets just say i was outnumbered
-- Shoplifted: never
-- Changed who you were to fit in: only for business

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: 125
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 10, angus, pete, jimi, lefty, george foreman, prince, ilka, pierce, ae, michaelangelo, mary
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: on the cliffs of isla vista
-- How do you want to die: slowly
-- Where you want to go to college: i do have a terrible memory, but i believe i already went to college
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: tall
-- What country would you most like to visit: finland

LAYER NINE:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: only one at a time
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: trust is my middle name, my mom just spelled it funny
-- Number of CDs that I own: thousands and thousands
-- Number of piercings: just my last name is pierced
-- Number of tattoos: its against the good book, so none
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: hundreds and hundreds
-- Number of scars on my body: several
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: less than five
-- Who did you get this from: Bluecad

# | |

you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo. i never dream but the other night i had several dreams. in one of them i was running with my old pal aj. in another i was flying around in chopper one for a very long time never really accomplishing anything interesting. in another one i was back in high school taking a test but i couldnt read the letters. in another i was driving a semi truck that had eggs in the cargo. but i didnt know how to work the gears even though somehow we had made it to the freeway. me being me and the eggs and a few chickens. why chickens? why dreams. she had short hair and a ride to the fair. we went there. we ate there. we walked around and thought about things outloud and drank beers out of cups. they had games of chance and dark corners and rickety rides. they had funny lights and left handed monkeys throwing peanut shells and donkeys. there were butter sculpters, men from mars, and drunken turtle races. we bet on #7 but it wasnt in the stars. then i had another dream. this one was in black and white. i was black she was white. her white legs shown in the black sky on top of the black garter on her white thigh.

one lonely beastie i be, all by myself without nobody. cept the little hottie in my baseball hat, shits getting long, shits getting phat. and yo dre, what you say, she says minnie mighty super tightie little thin but built to win, likes it when i lick her there took me to the county fair. she called the pizza man when i wasnt lookin and now theres cinnastix and buffalo wings and a roni pie extra cheese heading up the hill. my momma called. my best friend called. the nieghbors out tanning in this 70 degree january. i wish i could call my new thing Nary. but its registered. nary dot com nary not net nary dot org. all of em.

got the stones four flicks and theres one song in the hidden gems of disc three where my favorite band ac/dc plays a song with the best band of all the rolling stones and it was pretty weird and they were all real happy but you could see why angus and malcom dont jam with others really, cuz theyre really so much better than everyone else.

and ive been waiting all day for this girl to get on the aol instant messenger but im gonna have to live my life in a few minutes or two. what i'll do is be on later tonight and maybe tomorrow too.

makeout city + the topic is secrets + georgy

# | |

this is called how long can you write until the sexiest clipper girl there is gets over here. ten minutes ago she said she was ten minutes away. in that time i have brushed my teeth, picked up a few odd things, shot a shot of bacardi and found this picture from buzznet.

busy day today. something fucked up big and i got super mad and my boss didnt understand why i was mad and it was cuz i was swamped and ive been swamped all week and i said it was gonna make me have to stay at work till eight o'clock and i dont ok i will admit it i dont like to fly chopper one at night.

which why they never really wanted me to fly it. cuz you have to be able to fly it at night. most crime happens at night. and i was all fine then train someone else to fly it too but they first off didnt want anyone else to know its secrets which is sorta dumb what if i double cross everyone and b what happens when i die.

almost everyone dies in the xbi. hardly any old men. the old men in the xbi are usually the biggest cowards. hi.

shes gonna be drunk and fridayed and bold. im gonna fuck it up by not attacking her immediately and the tv will go on and nothing will happen till the morn, i dont know why.

i like watching the clippers and i wouldnta without her. corey magette tonight grabbed his arm right near the end of the game and went on defence with one arm straight down at his side just like how kobe looked the other night.

and the announcers were all, but they only have one timeout left. and they went on defence and then someone got the rebound and he held his elbow and limped-jogged back on offense and they bounced it into brand on the block and he got double teamed and kicked it out to jarick and magette raised his allegedly hurt arm and got the cross court pass, toed the three point line and hit a 40 footer.

they lost but they did it with a fight.

theyre a bunch of dirty nosed crazies. i love em. i miss darius and odom but so is the nature of the beast following the clippers.

i think what happened in the michael jackson thing today was awesome and id tell you more but hark could that be a knock at my door?

nutsy meggy + sahalie + eye want splinky to write something cool for lick

# | |

caption this, please

# | |

my man welch asks me why i dont ignore the teens who want to fight with me and i tell him i do. then when i do some say no fair why arent you fighting and others say no fair why are you ignoring and some say... and you know what f what some say. since when have i ever cared what people say? but i suppose i do care what certain some say, not other some, not that im trying to be cold and calous and mean, but whatever. whatever. WHATEVER. i want to be like anti. anti doesnt care. whats his word. pffft. they told him he was too dangerous for the xbi and they gave him back his knife and escorted him out of the building. i told them to take it easy on him that if he did anything funny i would shoot him my own damn self and they overheard me i think esp no i wouldnt, chill and followed us both to the garage.

this weekend is the nfl championship games. this weekend is when i install my dvd burner in my computer. this weekend is when i will catch up on my sleep and go through all the Lick mail and sort it all out.

superbowl sunday we will launch Lick during halftime on the Lick site.

superbowl sunday we will announce the busblog Man of the Year.

but thats not for a few more weeks.

i dont know why i find it necessary to have a bagel every morning but i do.

i dont know why i find it necessary to tell you everything that isnt true.

81. aaron
82. aj

the other day i signed up for XXX Netflicks and yesterday i got my first two dvds. it works exactly like Netflicks. i pay $15 for two dvds at a time and its interesting how my recordable standalone dvd recorder wont burn the copyprotected smut. and its interesting how only some of the porn is copyprotected. but whats most interesting is how bored i am with porn at this escalated age that i find myself in.

true life is better. usually. but movies can take us to a place where we dont usually find ourselves. but it seems to me that modern smut only wants to gross us out with their gaping orafices and messy faces and disgusting supporting actors. does anyone remember laughter?

in a perfect world an archangel will come down and whisper in my ear that its secretly ok to be the worlds greatest porno director and that i wont be shunned at the pearly gates that mars needs women but earth needs quality adult dvds.

its not that i want to live a life of excess on my mansion on the hill as snoop doggs nextdoor neighbro but if thats the way the cookie crumbles then crumble bitch, crumble.

meanwhile i guess im supposed to keep fighting crime that never stops and be there when a young girl wants to try out her christmas web cam?

one day i suppose that brown-haired girl will let me kick that football.

lets just hope the wind isnt too wicked and i get a block or two.

drawz + photo friday + mi amore

# | |

the kids write me emails all the time and i feel bad cuz my email is terrible. i still havent hooked eudora up so im reading everything off my yahoo account and their spam filter is terrible and fuck those of you who dont understand what im talking about when i talk about hits. its not bragging, its putting things in context. guess what you get with that sort of traffic, which by the way isnt even a fraction of the traffic that what some better writers get, you get about 2,500 pieces of spam a day. i really do have to devote a fair amount of time to manage the email flow while trying to pick out the real pieces of mail.

anyway the kids write the best emails. all of it is about picking up girls. just like everything

wait a second.

its two am and 103.1 is playing bastards of young.

dear mexican radio station thats programing this clear channel radio station,

gracias.

so just like in baseball or basketball you have to know the fundamentals. and the first fundamental to getting anything you want in life particularly the attention of the weaker sex is to ignore the first hundred no's.

and quit asking questions

would you like to go to the fair with me betty? isnt gonna get you to the damn fair.

baby im gonna get off work early on friday and pick your cute little ass up and you know what we're gonna do

everyone loves a mystery

what?

five o'clock. pick you up here.

but i have a hair appointment.

lalalallala.

but i have to learn how to ski.

theres skiing where we're going.

its ok to lie if youre asking a girl out.

as long as its funny.

im sorry but really id love to but i cant.

ok, 5:30

and for gods sake dont be yourself.

be someone taller.

3rd Leg + self portrait of a wishing well + kristin

# | |

today don left me a message to tell me he was pretty freaked out and happy. he was telling me that jen had delivered baby stella today.

he didnt mention once that it was also mlk's 75th birthday.

so i deleted that shit right away and put in the new corvids cd.

which is now available on Amazon dot com and of course on ken's website.

like bonnie and charlie, don and jen met at the nexus. just like all of us.

they fell in love and got married in the presidio and far as i can tell have been living happily ever after.

don and i were roommates with layne charlie dan & hickey on haight street when i met my true love.

both jen and don are dynamite writers and excellent people and some believe the secret reason why frisco is still cool.

happy birthday stella, you're already ahead of the game after picking such kickass parents

and being born on an arguably historic day.

and now that you've given us this lovely child, dear Lord, can you please let the cubs get pudge and the professor?

please?

we were there when don and jen got married

sksmith welcomes stella + as does greg vaine

# | |

2003 busblog woman of the year runner-up: mariah carey.

cuz she didnt go crazy again.

what label is mariah carey on again? well whoever shes with are wasting their money. that girl needs to get on tv.

shes not in the loop of cool. shes not on the radio. i dont see her on tv. i dont see the paparazzi all over her ass. and as far as i know shes not dating anyone famous.

whoever you are in charge of her success: wtf are you doing?

put aside anything you might think about her and start from what is:

shes hot.
she sings her ass off.
shes rich.
shes single.

right there she should be on mtv even a little bit. and yet i dont see her. why? evanescence is none of those and i hear and see her ass everywhere.

shes the best selling female artists of all time and her latest album charmbracelet debuted at #3 on the wings of one of her strongest songs in quite a while "through the rain".

shes not the hasbeen.

not yet, at least.

the last single mariah released was a cover of def leppards "bringin' on the heartache" another in a long line of 80s hits that shes covered over her career. it peaked at #26.

people want to buy mariah carey.

she might be a crazy bitch, but the crazy bitch can sing.

island records, def jam, which ever one of you is lucky enough to have her right now, find her some damn songs to sing.

every girl on the number one show on tv, american idol, would die to sing like mariah carey. and watch how some of them try.

and there she is, the real mariah carey and i havent seen her on tv in what seems like years.

beyonce should pay close attention

just like mariah should have paid attention to whitney.

if i was def jam i would have mariah come out with a billie holiday songbook

show a little class

win a few grammys since theyre practically giving them away nowadays.

and do it before whitney does

or worse

celine.

christina aguelera was the 2003 woman of the year

kate reports on 103.1 today in the LA Weekly! + welch rejoices as well + insideamind

# | |

dear clear channel radio,

yeah, i know, i cant believe im writing you either.

you have a radio station out here in Los Angeles that makes me very happy. it's called Independent 103.

and you own it.

you just played Madness "house of fun", before that you played the Cure "pictures of you", now youre playing The Smiths.

i heart you.

youve played the Ramones a few times today, the Clash, nirvahnah, temple of the dawg.

last night i caught you playing the Pixies.

you rock the polyphonic spree like crazy and the beasties and soundgarden and im down with that.

so yeah, im in.

and yes, i know youre the devil, but what can i do.

if you cant beat em, you sell out to em, isnt that how it works?

whatever.

what id like to do is write a blog for you. whats a blog? it's this. what would your blog look like? it would look sorta like this but it would be different.

what it would be would be the story of the radio station that waltzed into the city of angels playing x and rancid and planted the flag for the new alternative.

it would be the daily tale of the radio station that taught kroq that radiohead should get played more.

kroq right now is saying, whats this?

this is what you get.

you want to be independent, 103.1? then get yourself a blog. but better yet get yourself a blogger who will sit around in his board shorts drinking and writing while listening to your radio station.

maybe late night you'll give me a little radio show where we will all talk about music with the kids.

but right now lets just focus on the blog.

you need one.

actually you dont need nothin. you dont have any djs and thats fine. who needs djs. you do need to lay off the pearl jam. youre playing betterman now which is ok, but how about pearl jam only three times a day. 20 times a day is not ok. k?

i will work for cheap.

i will interview the bands that you play and put it in the blog.

i will make fun of your competition.

i will link to your stream.

i will make you proud.

i will work from home.

hire me clear channel.

hurry.

hur

r

y

our girl kate wrote about this very same topic today in the LA Weekly!

alicia + betsy + mary

# | |

after i shaved off my hair last year i swore id never do it again. now im reconsidering.

theres a super hot chick who says she will get it on with me if i shave off my trademark fro.

i know it's very samson and delilah but you should see this girl.

thing is i would do it if two or three girls would get it on with me, but one? hardly seems worth it.

last year it took a good 7 months for my fro to grow back. and at 110 years old ive gotten my fair share of tang. some would say more than my fair share. hell, id say more than my fair share.

still, you should see this girl.

today she called me and said, why dont you see if you readers would throw in $500 if you shaved it off and i told her never to disrespect the generosity of my readers again!

although it would be fun to see if people would chip in to see me clean shaven.

what would be the proper payment to completely shave a mans hair from his head?

sex once?

money?

sex twice?

lots of money?

a new tv?

one of those plasma jobbers?

i pretty much have all the worldly posessions a man could want.

i dont know.

i really dont know.

but i do know that the makers of gawker are looking for a travel writer and i also know that splinky is inbetween jobs.

i also know that im seriously considering selling ads for the best new radio station in LA, 103.1 which now streams

# | |

two lesbians stumble into a bowling alley

first one says i want to make a blog called are you fucking kidding me

shorter one was mexican, hair dyed yellow. not really a mohawk but definitely a ridge across the top a little higher than the rest. piercings on the lip. dickies cut off at the knee. two shirts, leather wrist strap. wallet on a chain. work shoes.

taller one wore lipstick. had a nice rack. giggled and then laughed. a lot. smiled at me when i smiled at her.

they sat down to put their bowling shoes on. the shorter one pulled out a can of bud light out of her jacket pocket after looking around first and then cracked it open

giggly put a straw in it.

i was drinking mgd out of a bottle.

within minutes the dude showed up while they were bowling together and pointed at the abandoned beer can avec bendy straw and said is this yours?

i held up my bottle and took a gulp and the teengirls returned from their gutterball and he questioned them as i went for the fries.

we were in hollywood. holly star lanes on santa monica boulevard. not the best part of town. but it was just then.

the dude left.

the can remained.

the one girl punched the other in the leg right before she was about to throw her ball. the ball rolled into the gutter and the other punched the other in the arm. hard.

they were like teenboys, really, except way cuter.

the shorter one asked me if the dude hassled me i said nah.

it made me wonder if she told the guy that the beer was mine.

i wanted to buy them drinks but i wondered if they were underage then i really wanted to buy them drinks and then the other pulled a second can of miller lite out of her jacket pocket.

they put the straw in the new can and wrestled in their seats. one holding ones head and fake-biting a huge chunk out of her thick head.

before i knew it their game was over, half their can of beer had spilled over as the only loser of the punching fight wrestling match. they took off their shoes and walked over to the snack bar.

and then me and john woo and travis k smiley could finally concentrate on our form.

in peace.

alone.

until three lesbians walked into a bowling alley.

they were black and this was true.

i couldnt be happy without splinky

# | |

hi tony,

i linked your ass a long time ago, but that's not why i'm emailing. i just wanted to say thanks for the link the other day, and to apologize for something i said on your comments a long time ago.

i believe i said i wouldn't donate any money to your flowage for some ass reason, but you being the cool guy that you are didn't rip me, you just offered up your opinion, or something along those lines.

i've recently had a perspective changing experience in my life, along with a little growing up, and i believe differently now.

over the course of my blog perusing the last few months, i've seen complete strangers offer up all sorts of different gifts, from hand-made hats, to cookies, to cd's, to books, and probably a ton of other stuff i missed.

at last glance, it looks like you were up to 78 out of your goal of 1600. the old me might have tried to call bullshit, and ask if you're really saving this money for a car. the new me says who cares if you are or not, it's up to the individual if they want to believe it is or not. and while i can't personally account for the remaining amount all at once, i will be contributing to the cause.

if you could just reply (i know you're busy, and if i don't get a response, it won't bother me) and let me know how much paypal takes out for the donation so i can make it an even amount, that would be great.

and of course, love the site.

hope you get the time to read this.

vladmir

+++++++++++++

Dear Vlad,

thanks for the kind words.

OF COURSE i will be using the flowage to the car fund for a car. sheesh.

i know that "nothing in here is true" but thats true. i would be kicked off the internet as the biggest bullshitter of all if i did anything inappropriate with those funds.

the car fund experiment is one of my favorite little things about the busblog.

for those of you who dont know, i am trying to see how long it takes to get $20k for a new car off my blog.

its an art project science fair experiment of sorts.

if you look on the left hand side of my blog you will see the names of the people who have already flowed the blog. and if someone flows that day i will include their number with a link to their blog somewhere in a post.

79. sara
80. august mueller

if it takes 20 years to get the ride then we will know that it takes 20 years. hopefully it will take less.

i dont talk about the flow that often cuz i dont want to bore you with it and i dont want this thing to be an ongoing pledge drive, but i do like the experiment cuz its a super long term thing and people hardly ever do super long term things in blogs.

as for PayPal, thanks for concerning yourself with it, but generally you shouldnt. its cool. however, just so you know Paypal takes about eighty cents out of each $20 flow.

thanks!

Tony

james + bunnie mac + planet sara

# | |

pablo picasso was never called an asshole. but i bet he was called lots of other names.

pabby.

so.

cass.

with initials like mine, you can imagine the nicknames i was called.

tp never bothered me much.

when they would just straight up calling me Toilet Paper, well that was interesting.

but being the only black kid in school for most of my life, the n word was tossed around from time to time.

strangely that never bothered me much either.

names dont bother me. words dont bother me. very little bothers me.

the cubs and their mediocrity bothers me.

people who believe a president who has obvious personal agendas sorta bother me, but not much.

people who stand next to each other in escalators annoy me way more than pretty much anything nowadays.

if you really want to get me in a pissy mood, clog the escalator in the morning and look at the ceiling. maybe turn around and say "cubs suck."

in other news i went bowling last night and flirted with some lesbians.

only bowled a 137.

i was only sorta drunk.

afterwards i slurred loveable words to my truest and she giggled. i told her that no offense to anyone else but i have yet to feel a connection to another person like what i feel with her.

she said she felt the same thing.

i said lets go to britneys chapel in vegas and get hitched.

she said what about the paparazzi.

i sad f the poppies.

she said what about the maloof brothers.

i said f them too.

she said what about the fact i dont feel that way about you any more.

i said, hmmm.

then she told me she had quit smoking thanks to an out of date book that karisa got her.

and i fell for her even deeper.

malatemail + janelle + true

# | |

a select few people are getting the wrong impression about me on the internet. and since im too lazy to make an About section to summarize whatever it is that should be summarized in a smart and tidy little witty way let me just do it the way that we always do it here which is of course long and drawn out.

i should have probably been drowned when i was born but life isnt fair and ta da here i am for you.

im the greatest employee. im hardly ever sick, i get along with pretty much everyone who isnt a total jagoff, i dont mind working late, im completely versitile and im ridiculously loyal even if being paid an insulting wage.

i keep a nice-looking desk, im bubbling full of genius ideas, i ride the bus to work and i thoughorly wash my hands after i pinch a loaf.

at home i am a dirty, filthy, reclusive 110 year old man totally addicted to the internet, televised american sports, porn, bleeding-edge technology, and popular music videos. my sex drive peaked years ago. my eating habits have stabalized. my rum drinking is certifiably under control. but my mansion is usually cluttered, stuffy, and riddled with lust.

i have lived long enough to learn that the people you need to impress are already impressed with you, and those who will never be impressed should be utterly ignored.

focus on your mother.

would she be happy with what youre doing?

big picture.

for that reason i never became a porn star, a drug dealer, or a congressman, even though i know i would have succeeded in mythological ways. sure my mom would have been proud that i was best in my field, but it was best in a field of shit.

but ultimately, your mom will always be proud of you, so quit sucking freuds dick and get on with your own life

your

life.

yours.

good bands focus on the crowd at hand.

its not about selling a zillion records in new zealand.

it's about making the people in the house dance.

i hate phonies. i hate liars. call me anything you want but you cant call me a liar. and if i lied let me know immediately and we will clean that shit up pronto as in pronto as in now motherfucker, now.

i know im not the most easy man to always deal with and for that reason i am most grateful in life to the women who have not only put up with my dumbass bullshit but then knealt down before me

if theres anyone who knows i dont deserve shit, not even the three squares and a roof that i would get in the joint, its me, but that doesnt mean that i should bullshit anyone in my daily walk, especially those who happen to stumble across this little sand in the hourglass.

i get a thousand hits a day on this blog. its more than lots. but its not even close to some. and even if i got more than everyone i would still keep it real as in really real as in really though because keeping it real is why we love nwa and angus young and bob dylan and why we hate as in HATE people who try to bullshit us.

because this is what bullshitting is

its one person saying

you are too fucking stupid to know that im bullshitting you right now so here it is.

the lies dont insult me, it's the part of me that you thought you could capitalize on.

which is exactly the part that i play keep away with the nba cheerleaders who often frequent my bachelor pad.

im a man full of love. bubbling over. but also steaming of hate. my hate has no end.

i hate people who cant think for themselves and make decisions off shit they Know makes no sense. i hate people who think a blowjob in the oval office is truly something to impeach someone over. i hate people who dont think precisely as i do and i hate people who dont know that i know that nobody thinks precisely as i do.

i hate newspapers which seduced me and then just as quickly all sold out. all.

i hate radio which was once my salvation but now is nothing but a way for the devil to make me hate from a deeper place, dare i say Special place.

i can run for hours. i can spit straight between my front teeth. im deeply religous. i drink red labeled whole fresh milk.

im a great bowler. im a lazy but skillful lover. im a dull but loyal boyfriend. and im the worst enemy of all time.

but mostly im just an american man slowly aging

and who will one day

before you know it

be dead.

but not gone.

cuz nothing good really goes away.

and as little self esteem i have,

i know that im good

if only at writing on this faggy little bullshit blog.

sk smith + jaime + d.lo

# | |

caption this, please

# | |

i dont mind being called a moron.

specially by dipshits.

a long time ago roget ebert said that the internet was the greatest invention that man ever created so that strangers could connect over long distances and tell each other that they suck.

what sucks about most of the people who leave anonymous negative comments to my posts about how riduculously transparent our fuehrer's lies are is that they never

ever

ever

back up their whines with facts or admissions or halfway concessions or ideas or reasons or excuses or apologies or different takes on what i present.

they just roll off their sisters, fire up their aol, and tell me i suck.

well duh, i know i suck.

tell me something i dont know.

but that still doesnt mean that our president isnt completely full of shit and up to his eyeballs in lies, deception, and impeachable acts.

and it doesnt mean that rumsfield didnt look like a stuttering old man who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar this afternoon during his press conference.

what im asking for i dont believe is all that difficult, however the gutless will see it as a challenge and wont own up. but what im asking for is a dialogue of even the most simple sort.

kids could figure it out.

if someone says something that you disagree with, write out what parts you disagree with and give reasons why and then leave your name and an email address and/or homepage.

if you really believe what it is that youre writing in my comments, that is.

sam + tomdog + flingus

# | |

dear george soros,

i hear you want to throw money at this george bush problem.

all i suggest is you throw it in the right places.

in the picture to the left you see a pretty girl who spent some money on a nice outfit, tennis lessons, and a nice racquet.

sometimes its better to spend money on a prettier girl instead. or twenty prettier girls.

according to reuters you plan on spending $12.5 million to defeat president bush.

all i can say is, if i was you, a billionaire, seriously committed to removing a president who has lied about weapons of mass destruction, lied about taking a country to war, illegally detained hundreds of people for two years now, crippled a once vibrant economy, and is poised to be one of the most rotten scoundrels ever to be called the president of the united states,

i would think bligger.

what hes doing in the name of freedom

in the name of america

is disgusting.

plus hes a fucking moron.

whys there a fucking lying moron running my country blowing shit up and killing and imprisoning people in my name and making me pay for it?

but whats creepier is how many people dont mind him.

and what do we make of the alleged millions who support the little fuck?

well you go spend your money.

me, im gonna write on my blog.

count the times i have sex this year

7

and start a new online zine

entirely written by women

a place for female bloggers to write what they dont write on their blogs.

Lick

sex

drugs

rock

something to do other than nothing

what id rather do is receive a check from you, mr soros, for five million dollars. and id rather put together a staff of excellent writers and photographers and pay them the highest salaries that theyve ever had

to make the finest online political web magazine ever

called the bush report

for the sole purpose of making sure that the american people know the truth about who they'll be voting for the next time theres a presidential election.

if i was a billionaire and i couldnt expose a dumbass like george fucktwit bush with my $12.5 million

and i actually had an extra $5 mil

to invest in the interent

which, like rock n roll

by the way,

isnt dead.

thank you.

well, if it was me,

id invest in something cheesy like the power of the truth

written like nails blasting out of a damn shotgun.

hell, fellow billionaire mark cuban

invested more than that this year on antoine walker

and all cuban wanted to do was beat the fucking lakers.

layne + welch + langfield + sullivan + minx

# | |

you know why i like girls? cuz they seriously dont care what you look like. i love that. all they care about is your personality.

in a way theyre sorta like dogs. except dogs dont even care about your personality, the only things dogs care about is that you dont beat them and that you feed them.

republicans are even more loyal than dogs. republicans will stand by their man regardless of whether that man bankrupts their country, or lies about why he's sending their sons and daughters to war.

im not that loyal.

if i was lied to by my president about pretty much anything other than getting a hummer in the office, I'd probably be pretty pissed off.

but to be lied to about why we're going to war... especially if i was a veteran, or a parent of a soldier... or a proud american... that would make me wonder why the president isnt getting in any trouble.

i mean i remember back in school, if a person lied about something dumb like who they liked or something, that wasnt a big deal. but if someone lied about something that, i dont know, ended in hundreds and hundreds of american military men and women dying and the country going into billions of dollars in debt - even more debt than before... well, if someone had done that in school, theyd definitely be sent to the principals office.

but republicans are so loyal, more loyal than women and dogs, that they're not only not demanding that bush gets sent to the office, but theyre completely ready to re-elect him.

i find that fascinating.

even more fascinating than a pretty little skinny woman marrying a man 5 times her size

who wears glasses

soundbitten + lick + blue cad

# | |

today is howard stern's birthday. he's 50. 50 years old.

howard is my favorite dj. but hes not really a dj, hes a talk show host, and probably the best interviewer in all of television and radio.

he doesnt get the credit he deserves but who does, really?

although he stole a lot of his act from my first favorite dj, mr. steve dahl, he has taken that "shock jock" style and elevated it to a higher level that im not so sure steve could have done if steve had moved to new york in the 70s and not chicago.

regardless i love howard. he has the best show on tv. he has easily the best radio show around. hes consistantly funny. he rarely bores me. his bread and butter is his celebrity interviews but his left hand uppercut is how he makes stars out of the people you expect the least.

from fred the elephant boy, to gary the retard, to kkk guy daniel carver, to stuttering john, hank the angry dwarf, beetlejuice, high pitch eric, and crackhead bob. howard can turn the most ridiculous into the most hilarious. he's the modern day ed sullivan and even though he's number one, he gets no respect from hollywood because he kisses no ones ass. which should be a lesson to you all.

hes got my respect.

look at the guests he had on his e! show last year. heavy on strippers and porn stars and retards. a sprinkling of top shelf celebs, but howard teaches us indirectly that the big stars arent the most entertaining, its the average people out there who are the most interesting.

if you think that exhibitionists and crack heads are average.

he can dress in a dress and hes funny. he can get a divorce after 20 years of being married and its funny. he can date a model he has no business being with and its funny. he can threaten to quit his show after yelling at his boss and its funny. hes a real guy who's not afraid to say what he thinks and its not only funny but its educational.

and then there are the lesbians.

no one had the nerve to allow lesbians to be themselves on tv until howard showed up and some might say he opened the same door to the gays, midgets, pornstars, and retards too. i would.

thanks howard for waking up at 3am every day for our asses and being funny every damn day.

thanks for not having a web site, or tshirts, or coffee mugs.

thanks for not being a sell out like pretty much the entire world.

happy 50th birthday.

you are the king.

f jackie,

tony

jarvis + adrants + king of all media

# | |

todays ashleys birthday, shes now 22.

never have i deserved any of the girls who i got to spend time with, but no way should i have had a girl like ashley like me the way she did and probably still does.

yes, it began as a simple internet friendship, and yes, it turned into much more.

shes as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside, and shes even more beautiful in person.

when she kisses you she keeps her eyes closed and lets it sink in.

she likes to hold your hand at all times

she squeals

once i woke up with her playing with the hairs on my chest and she said what would you like today boo

and i said three lovers in three ways

and she rang the little bell and miss gwen stefani appeared with a cloud of smoke behind door number three

and we all danced.

i danced the best

there were judges.

that night the skys parted and a beam of light shone through the stars and gwen stefani ascended into the better place and ashley asked me to write down what had happened so i wouldnt forget it

later we held hands

and fell asleep.

i miss her immensely.

theres no replacing someone as sweet, full of excitement, and a thrill to be with.

and im pretty sure my website has suffered with her absence.

happy birthday, daisy girl from the future worlds.

youre always in my fondest thoughts.

me and ashley rent a car + she was just 19 the other day + her livejournal

# | |

today is steph and lolas one year blog birthday. if it wasnt for their blog i would never have seen a picture of my future wife. hi future wife.

hi tony.

i dont need a lot to keep me happy. just everything. im watching the football playoffs. i hate pretty much everyone in the afc so youve gotta root for the black coach.

and i hate everyone in the nfc playoffs. so you gotta root for the black quarterback.

too bad they all cant lose.

the cheerleader wants to come over and make up with me. i think i was spoiled when i was younger. i dated a bunch of girls who could emmerse themselves with me and they were young and not overwhelmed with responsibilites and impressed with my mediocrity. and forgiving thanks to my youthful good looks.

i had a chance to get a two year extended warranty for my dvd burner which i shoulda gotten and i could get tonight but im lazy. its just money. im just a dummy. if i wasnt lazy id get flagrants tread mill and start working out so future wife wouldnt get squooshed when i collapsed on her after a strenuous session.

in a perfect world i would work for ronco and make george forman grill type things for him.

there needs to be a sit up machine called the six-pack maker.

xm radio needs to put a harddrive on their receivers so you could have tivo for your radio.

tivo needs to charge a dollar more per month to sportsfans who watch playoff football and who arent around to record the overtime session.

and double overtime session.

if i was smart i would go back at selling tvs, now that everyone is about to start buying plasma tvs in droves

and hd tvs

and plasma monitors for their computers.

and for their dvd players in their hummers.

if i was smart i would help open up a store that focused just on tvs and monitors for the home and auto. of course we'd sell directv setups and tivos and dvd recorders and 6.1 audio systems, but the focus would be on the "monitors" since they are going for thousands and thousands of dollars.

and since i know everything about selling tvs.

and installing them.

if, when howard stern begins to revolutionize satalite radio, he just gets his own channel, he should seriously consider rerunning his morning show in the evening for those of us who would like to listen to it after 7pm since most of his audience is either getting ready for work or at work during his 6a - 10a hours of broadcast.

i know i would listen.

steph does southbeach + digital tavern + moxie

# | |

most the time im a pretty affable chap but youd be surpised how quickly i can become offended and get unbelievably furious. maybe you wouldnt be surprised.

i think im a good person. i think i do good things. i think i am a fun person to be with. and i also thought i had plans to spend the weekend with a cheerleader and here it is noon and i havent seen said cheerleader since dinner time.

this isnt the first time that ive had a date with someone and in the middle of it they bail out.

most of the time i am a lovable libra. easy to please. easy to love. easy going. rockin out on faith no mores easy.

but i am on the scorpio cusp. usually just a pinky toe. sometimes completely submerged up to my fro.

sometimes when i say to someone, hey lets spend the weekend together, that could be considered a step in the right direction. someone reaching out to someone. someone trying to do more than play the old booty call game.

youd think some would appreciate such gestures, and dare i say, risks, out into the darkness

i once dated a young girl who wanted to be my girlfriend and kept my distance because she was so young. but eventually my defenses began to whither and one night i invited her to a romantic evening and i told her it was a date and she knew it would be a date and well lets just say that she in the middle of the date left me to go somewhere else and didnt return until 4:19 in the morning.

havent talked to her since.

not that she doesnt call. does she call? its been many moons since ive called her and last night she called three times. i didnt answer. why would i answer. and how did the indians live without caller id.

im not a lonely man. im not a bored man. i know i could get a high paying job if i really wanted one. i know i could have a cool girlfriend if i wanted.

exactly how the tribune corporation could do what it took to get the cubs to the world series.

if they wanted.

some people, i guess, just want to be mediocre

forever.

maybe you shouldnt be surprised

about that either.

splink is better than ever + instahangover + another take on blogs

# | |

she said she wanted to do it on my couch. i wasnt so sure i wanted to do that since so many people who visit sit on the couch, so i put a blanket down. then i put another blanket down. then we did it.

difference about doing it in the living room as opposed to the dungeon or the master bedroom is the living room has hard wood floors and moans and squeals and screams bounce and echo and broadcast all over the property. it was ridiculously warm today, so the windows were open but not for long.

she doesnt like it when i take little breaks but with hot chicks like her you have to take a little break, doesnt matter if youre 110 or 18, its ok to get a breather in there, if only for ten or fifteen seconds to shut the french windows or pull the shades.

like most of them, this un was an exhibitionist. is an exhibitionist. she could hear the workers outside the windows gardening and she gave me shit for not wanting to let them eavesdrop.

give the help a thrill, she scolded and turned over and scooted over the armrest

i put the darkness on the cd player.

took a sip of rum right out of the bottle and looked at what just might have been the best ass in all of hollywood

and then i took a gulp out of that bottle, set it down,

and wondered if people remembered that i was going to

6

count each time i got some

coyote + gnomegirl + leah

# | |