i dont have a girlfriend. theres some girls who want to be my girlfriend but they dont really. not my girlfriend. my girlfriend knows im a knucklehead. my girlfriend knows that usually once or twice a year a girl from the internet wants to meet me and actually does. my girlfriend knows that i like my many mansions. my girlfriend knows that there are rules for me and rules for the world and they dont always match up. my girlfriend knows that im addicted to writing. my girlfriend knows that im incredibly loyal. my girlfriend knows that sometimes i forget my shit cuz it takes me probably two hours to leave my house because i am close to having that disease where the person never wants to leave his house ever. my girlfriend knows that when i say i dont want to talk about something i really dont want to talk about it and i cant get suckered into talking about it. my girlfriend knows that i am the most honest person in the world and when i tell her that something went a certain way and shes probably better off then maybe she should just chill cuz shes probably better off.

83. virginiaanne

my girlfriend knows that occasionally i truly need some tonytime where i can just drink my rum alone crank the rancid and tap tap tap on my computer and hope that something decent comes over the transom. my girlfriend woulda given me a day to chill after having to be tourguide for a week during the month of pisces. my girlfriend knows i aint going anywhere. my girlfriend knows that being jealous only makes me less. cuz i know i aint doing anything to get jealous over. my girlfriend always comes over. my girlfriend looks good in a robe and lets me feel her up even when shes mad at me. my girlfriend says did you have a nice time with that redhead and i'll say yeah and she'll say well lets see if she taught you anything. and when i tell my girlfriend that theres stuff i dont even want to get into she will remember that i am xbi and theres probably something that im completely dead serious about so she should lay off.

my girlfriend knows that im not going to be single forever and one day i will have a girlfriend and if she thinks that she and i might be able to make it work she would look at all the little things and the big things and the mistakes and all the right things and she will remind herself that i just might be the most fucked up person in the world and all im trying to do is make it all work out and all im trying to do is make it so everyone is cool with everything which is probably why i tried to work shit out weeks ago.

my girlfriend knows how to bowl.

sk smith feeling the pisces + 835 + steph + talk sick

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isla vista owns me. im going to move there. karisa taught me how to truly be independent, so now very few things own me. the cubs do of course. the blog. yes. soft drinks. but thats about it. maybe the web. maybe. probably.

but sunsets and college girls holding surfboards where the weather is eternally 72 degrees and the sound of skateboards clacking over the uneven asphalt cracked from burnt furniture has a place in my heart that calls to me like a siren in a dream.

the greatest burrito place in town is no longer there and the best burrito place in town is now a corporate place and i sat there eating the third worst burrito in town next to the young redheaded girl and i realized that i know what my destiny is, its to bring back to isla vista whats isla vistas: the finest burrito in town.

many kegs ago there was a burrito place next to the dominos pizza called tacos acapulco. they had about 5 little mexican guys working there who would dance to the music and smile and serve you your burrito. they had beers in bottles but it wasnt really a drinking place. it was an eating place and the burritos were seriously good but they were also made better by the smiles and the warmth and the partying and the musica.

kids from all over ate there for dinner and for that time after midnight when you need a spicy taco for as to combat the drinking youve done and are about to do. those guys were still dancing. laughing at the girls trying to order in spanish.

tacos acapulco got sued by the bigger mexican chain called acapulco and changed their name to tia albertos. then the dancing happy little mexican guys got into a wage war with alberto and said hasta and got a place across the street. and went in competition with their former boss.

the dumb sorority girls didnt see what was happening and instead of getting all their customers to walk across the street to the place made by the people who actually made the food and gave it the atmosphere only Half the kids defected and the other half stuck with their old munching grounds.

this caused both establishments to go broke.

now the kids settle for the same old same old and i know i could change all that in the snap of a finger.

i think i will name it senior vista's.

and it will have a beer and wine bar. and partying mexicans. and lines out the door till 3am. and i will have buckets of money flowing, and profit earnings for the workers. health insurance tip jars. dry tshirt contests. and a plasma screen tv for the big games.

pretty simple really.

the secret is in the free chips and spicy salsa.

and the break dancing of course.

and if i was really smart id get a guy to push a taco cart through iv at noon and sell them on campus during the lunchtime rush like it aint no thing. cuz it aint.

everyone and i know i exaggerate in here and lie and cheat and steal but everyone in isla vista had either a surfboard in their hand or was riding a skateboard or was pumping at a keg or holding out a cup or running home to make love.

kitty bukkake + leah + amy

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took the southern belle to koreatown last night for an evening of league bowling. she nibbled at my shrimp fried rice and watched us beat the kids from E! by the slimmest of margins: 2 pins.

owning up to their side of the bargain, the losers took us to their studio and we took pictures at the news desk and pretended to announce that bad music had been deemed illegal by the fcc meaning that most radio stations would have to start broadcasting in spanish so as to not offend rich white people. remembering that most of us were rich white people we went back to drinking and skipping rocks across the la brea tar pits.

one guy stripped down and wanted to go skinnydipping but baja fresh seemed more appealing.

today the plans are to go to santa barbara. the land that doc searls built. the place of my birth. its warm here in southern california. eighties or so. its sunny. its perfect. the radio plays everything perfect but the cd doesnt like burned discs and i thought we had gotten beyond that. do you know i love you? i do. i talked to karisa and chris and we went to miss montreals place of buisness yesterday and i swear to you three of the ladies there said, "bunny mcintosh!?"

and she said yes. and miss montreal said, and this is tony pierce. and the ladies said, bunny what brings you here? and you could see how excited they were and they should be. and the one thing i like about this girl is that she truly is a nice girl and being so little she gets drunk easily, matching me shot for shot at the alley and bottle for bottle at the tarpits and winebox for winebox on the cab home and at 1:30a i was happy that it was she who was passed out and not me for then i got to change my nba fantasy players around cuz im a dork.

and tonight we will eat the best burritos in californuh. those that are made in isla vista. where my children will be sired and my ashes will be spread.

home of my dreams.

land that i love.

we will drink on the cliffs of dp and toast to all of you.

and if theres a couch

we'll burn that fucker to the gods

in your name.

amen.

mc brown + required reading + vanmega

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old man woke up at ten. pretty girl woke up at noon. she glid across the hardwood in her frilly lil nightie. or is it a slip. or is it a dress. i feel bad that shes barefoot cuz my floors are rarely clean. kissed the top of my head and balleted across the great room out the front door and over the dirt hill that used to be my front lawn cartwheeling down the arched driveway to the golden gates to the rolled up newspaper.

sat indian style on my polar bearskin rug bobbing her head to the new jay-z trying to find out when starsky n hutch was playing at the manns chinese and telling me how she thought the hova was lame-a until this record and you never know what a brothas gotta do to get the whitegirl crossover and i told her that i think theres something wrong with me that i really love the new britney single and before i know it shes on the computer going through all her favorite blogs.

last night we were headed to the airport cuz i was certain that she had only hitchhiked out here so she could tell her friends that she'd gotten it on with the busblog and boys can feel used sometimes too and she got it so she called up her friend her best friend who was all she doesnt want to tell everyone she got it on with the busblog she wants to tell everyone that she did it with lick. so we were cool again.

wish the same could be said for clipper girls cousin miss montreal rosalita and ashley. the daisy princess emailed me and asked if i thought she was hotter/cooler/prettier than her and i was all you/are/taken.

of course i will lose everything and have to start over and thats cool. ive had so many mid life crisises and followup renovations and new management signs put up that ive run out of rusty nails. shes smaller than you think. shorter. cuter. smarter. realer. i havent officially weighed her but id say just around perfect. shes clearly not in love with me but ashley wouldnt believe that since she thinks any hot chick who walks into my place immediately rips their own clothes off and demands to be anally intruded even though she knows i dont do that

on the first date.

i feel fat next to her. im getting fat. i never minded before. i still dont really mind. but then i saw the chart on the right and i remembered that jerry garcia didnt die of a heroin od he died cuz he spent his whole life eating junk food and his shit got all clogged up. i dont want my shit all clogged up.

back to the chart. looks like that war on drugs sure worked. no ones dying any more from dope. now i wonder if they will use just as much time money and effort on either keeping americans from smoking cigs or eating themselves into an early grave.

after they finish protecting us from howard stern and janet jacksons teet.

todays the first day of the waste of my life.

good thing bowling is on the agenda.

dong resin + midnight mailman + ocean chum

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my astrology says that this is a good time for me to look up into the heavens and bitch to the Lord Almighty about all the things that are going wrong in my life.

It says that if i do this then the Lord will look down on me and will fix all my problems.

It says that the way the planets are arranged right now I could have anything I wanted.

I have nothing to complain about and all I want is for my mom and my friends to be happy.

And for the Cubs to win the world series.

And for a safe to fall on our president's empty head.

I'm a strong healthy black man with dsl directv rent control and a new showerhead. what more could a man want.

i have vacation in 5 hours. i get to spend the next three days with ms. bunny mcintosh.

my favorite band, tsar, is about to come out with the best record of 2004

what on earth would i have to bitch about to the creator of the universe?

world poverty? smog? gasoline prices?

shoot me in the head when i get seriously pissed off about gasoline prices. k?

me and bunny went food shopping the other day and she was all, wow, its expensive this food. i was all, this is the ghetto Foods 4 Less, only way it gets any cheaper is to steal it from your neighbors's fridge.

im not a complainer.

my astrology says the squeaky wheel gets the grease. but this blogger knows that IF theres a plan for me, all the huffing and puffing wont blow down the door of despair. the only thing that makes dreams come true is the big fella. and if he doesnt want me to have the things that i think i want then i have to be cool with that, and i am cool with that. i will probably never have a house or kids that look like me or interns who come from the bank with wheelbarrows of cash for me, but i have enough. i dont need to ask for any more.

except for my mom to be happy.

and the cubs to win.

and this lamp.

welch + science blog + i heart kate sullivan

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have i ever told you that i understand anything? i dont. i dont understand a damn thing.

people ask me why i get more hits than them. fuck if i know. people ask me how i get away with murder. and i dont know that either.

i wonder why people call me their hero. i wonder why people want to party with me. i wonder why super hot babes want to come to my house for spring break and be way cuter in real life. but we could go all day and all night and some of the morning asking why when all along the answer is a simple one.

because.

life isnt fair. life isnt predictable. life isnt perfect. but life is good. it's very good. if you hang in there everything evens out and if youre the right dumbass at the right time the sky will open up and down will fall buckets of fun.

im not sorry i havent updated much lately. i told you i wasnt going to and i lived up to my promise. you can call me whatever you want but im generally a man of my word. i promised lots of pics and ive given some pics. lots will start appearing tomorrow when i can fully start spring breaking. today is my last day on call, so of course this morning they woke me from my pleasant bed and told me that i have to come in. so here i am. in.

if life was fair i wouldnt have half the shit i have now. id probably still be working at sears. assistant manager of dept 57 or some shit busting peoples asses for not selling enough warranties. but thankfully it isnt and even though im not entertaining my southern visitor, if i have to work, today is a day that is great to work: its warm, its sunny, its clear, and the crime we're about to fight is exactly the type that i love: vengeful crime.

today we get to bust some motherfuckers that we've been after for a long delicious time. we've been staking these asswipes out for months and todays the day and it couldnt be sweeter. they are very bad people and theyre going to get spanked by the x and it's so big you might even hear it in your part of the usa.

last night my boy anti came over. good people. i never really know what to do when people come over so usually we just drink, watch tv and i give them stuff. i gave anti a bukowski book cuz he says he never read him before. first i was going to give him The Most Beautiful Woman in Town but bunny said that it wasnt a good one so i gave Notes of a Dirty Old Man or something. i forget. i was toasted. thankfully i wasnt driving.

no hangover today which is nice. but also what happens when people send you cuban rum. thanks people.

i will do my best to live up to your high ideals but deep down im just a dumbass from hollywood.

tsar was amazing on sunday.

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the busblog meets melting dolls



and she is a doll

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