eleven messages






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dear eddie van halen,

i hear you're going to get the band back together.

beautiful.

summer tour, on the road, doing the old tunes, sneaking a few new ones in... awesome.

whooo fucking hooo.

but please do us all a favor. please bring back diamond dave.

and please kick sammy to the curb.

unless of course you hate your fans and only want to pander to the fratboys who will raise their coors lights to you as you jet around the country playing in outdoor arenas at $50 a head churning out all those horrible songs you wrote with the red rocker post 1984.

by the way, fuck you for OU812, For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, Balance and all that other weak ass pop shit that wasnt pop or metal but basically Lita Ford cover songs sung by men who have lost the will to rock.

didnt you get the message when God came down from the heavens and struck you with throat cancer: BRING DAVE BACK!

didnt you get the message when your wife of a million years left you?

she fell in love with you, like we all did, when you were wearing those ridiculous outfits, those long socks, and finger tapping your way into our hearts.

there has never been any true love for Sammy Hagar or Montrose. who you kidding?

i'll say it here and i'll say it till my 'roids burst: Fuck Sammy Haggar. and im not alone in my opinion.

of course David Lee Roth is a pain in the ass, and he's and asshole, and hes a potsmoking doubletalking weirdo.

hello, thats what we like in our rockstars.

seems to me that aerosmith didnt do so bad with their wackjob singer or the stones for that matter.

do you really think those doctors removed that cancer so that you could present those organ grinder synth laced medicore vanhagar shit to guys with their shirts tucked in who nod in unison?

my guess is no.

my guess is they hoped that the two guys who owned Hot For Teacher, Unchained, Everybody Wants Some, and Panama would come back and bust rock a new asshole.

id see the Darkness play 20 times before i saw Van Haggar remind me that life isnt fair, that dreams die, that rock is dead, that the best band of my youth has turned into a bunch of fucking losers.

id see Poins play 10 times before i saw Sammy Haggar fuck Jump up for me. let Aztec Camera sing it instead. let Morrisey sing it. Anyone but Sammy Haggar.

eddie, you havent changed the world in 20 years. you havent wowed rock since before half of the people who should be buying your records were born.

in an improbably move, youre worse for america than our sitting president. youre more dangerous to music than the terrorists are to air travel because if you go on tour with Sammy and sell out it will give the kids the impression that washed up recycled heartless soulless non-rocking bullshit is kosher, and its so not kosher i almost want to follow your tour around the nation and protest it.

i dont care what david lee roth did to you. i dont care how annoying he is. i dont care how many times he gets popped in washington square park with a joint, he is the left hand of 80s rock and you are the right hand, but right now youre just the cock.

please remove yourself from sammy's mouth and give me back what is rightfully mine

van halen circa 1982 when everyone bowed down in awe to your ass.

your pal,

tony

graham + aaron c. + david

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the week in rock in LA
march 26 - april1

tonight:
new edition, keith sweat: universal
reel big fish, aquabats: henry fonda
dolorean: knitting factory
christopher cross: house of blues

saturday
ice-t with body count: key club
rudy ray moore: little pedro's
loudon wainwright III: mccabes
the get up kids: troubador
the church: house of blues
leftover salmon: knitting factory
frank sinatra, Jr.: the canyon

sunday
the used, sugarcult, goldfinger, story of the year, others: oak canyon ranch
d.o.a.: malibu inn
spazzmatics: dragonfly
the evangenitals: mr. t's bowl
jackson browne: lobrero theatre (santa barbara)

monday
prince: staples center
modest mouse: house of blues
static x, prong: roxy
the von bondies: troubador
abe lincoln story: spaceland
joey shithead; knitting factory

tuesday
story of the year: avalon
static x, prong: roxy
wednesday

thursday
the breeders (pictured), lou barlow, har mar superstar: spaceland
star fuckers: cat club
liars: troubador
john wesley harding: largo
(hed): whisky
porn star Houston: club vodka

noah glass + goldtoe + gnome-girl

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Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
starring Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, and Kirsten Dunst
written by Charlie Kaufman
directed by Michel Gondry

the problem with most critics is they're easilly fooled. for example, just because Adaptation. was better than 95% of the movies that came out doesnt mean that it was good. interesting looking dog turds are still dog turds, doesnt matter what evil genius produced it.

the eternal sunshine of the blah blah blah isnt a dog turd. but it does have a rotten poop right in the middle of it that most people are going to be willing to overlook because it was created by a screenwriter who Might become a genius once everyone stops kissing his narcisistic ass.

i recommend that you see this movie, but im not going to rave because it doesnt deserve to be raved about. yes it is creative and different and interestingly shot, and Very well acted. but its flaws are huge and easilly corrected if only someone had the nads to speak up and tell charlie that he's off the map.

he's right on the money in so many ways, as was the director, as was the casting, that it only makes the mistakes that much more glaring and unbelievable.

my girlfriend kristin dunst is adorable in this, my boy jim carrey shows that once again - as in The Truman Show - that he can be "serious" and be just as good as any dramatic actor - and kate winslet continues to amaze and impress.

special kudos has to go to whoever the music coordinator was who got beck to contribute to the soundtrack. if the fucker is going to be all droney and somber the best place for him to be is on movie soundtracks where that shit flies.

heres what i want charlie kaufman to do: i want him to team up with spike lee. spike is crazy, but his storylines dont have any gaping holes.

then i want charlie kaufman to do a trilogy with spike jonez.

then i want charlie kaufman to take a year off and chill

then i want charlie kaufman to make a star wars movie with george lucas.

then i want charlie kaufman to make a batman movie with tim burton.

then i want charlie kaufman to make Blues Brothers 2001 where the ghost of John Belushi beats the fuck out of Dan Ackroyd and Jim Belushi for the first half of the movie for making blues brothers 2000, and then they go into space eat acid and reinvent punk rock

in space no one can hear you say oi.

then i want charlie kaufman to let me direct snoop dogg in iceberg slim's pimp.

and im telling you right now. there will be no gigantic flaws in our shit.

roger ebert fucking wished he could write reviews like me

after the debauchery + Lick got a positive review in Suicide Girls + blogging.la

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people praise the busblog and they should. some think they should be praising it more.

but not many people know about the little things that happen behind the scenes that are actually not little at all, theyre huge.

oftentimes i have technical difficulties on this page. sometimes they have to do with the way ive coded the blog.

yesterday Sitemeter was making the page load even slower than normal so i took the code out.

today i put it back in and i did it in a sloppy way that screwed things up even more.

i looked through the Blogger.com knowledge base and when i couldnt find the answer i emailed the good people behind the curtain.

within minutes, people, MINUTES, i had a lovely techincal support person fixing my problem and before i could say fuckmovablefuck my shit was fixed.

just another reason why im down with Blogger 4 Life!

and cuz they started this gangsta shit.

and cuz they once sent me a nice hoodie.

and cuz their shit gets me laid.

and cuz theyre nice.

there is no better support than Blogger Support, i should know, i worked for many years for a company that provided outsourced technical and customer support for web sites. thats where i met karisa.

Blogger Support totally rules.

another behind the scenes angel is mr. oswald p tyler, cheif ceo of nothing special network systems, who hosts the busblog at a nominal fee.

mr os couldnt be cooler and nicer and friendlier and i dont think i thank him enough for what he has done for me and our friends.

this blog and my site hardly ever goes down. and if it does its for little blips of time. i heart mr os and im eternally grateful for his support.

if any of you are considering hosting solutions, please consider Nothing Special, they kick ass. just ask mr matt welch, mr ken layne, or rock group tsar, or any of the other dozens of sites that NSNS hosts.

i also need to thank my true love, my honeys, and my friends who always give me constructive criticism about my stuff on here. but i especially want to thank the lovely ladies who sit on my lap in my closet and read my masterwork outloud to me so i can hear how it sounds from the mouths of babes.

that shit is priceless to me, and it might seem narcisistic but its super important, because when people read good smooth shit aloud it naturally flows. if its confusing it doesnt flow. and sometimes i want it not to flow but normally i want it schmoove.

unlike this post.

anyway thank you blogger support. thank you mr os. thank you kim my lawyer. thank you my friends. thank you my readers. thank you hotties. and thank you good Lord for letting me be born during this magical time.

blogger + kimbalina + sk smith

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Today's Birthdays, March 25

Apollo 8, 11 & 13 astronaut James Lovell, Jr., turns 76. Capt. Lovell racked up 715 hours in space which at one point was a record until Spacelab showed up. in 1973 he retired from the Navy and from the Space Program to join Bay-Houston Towing Company in Houston, a company involved in "harbor and coastwise towing, mining and marketing of peat products for the lawn and garden industry, and ranching." Don't be sad, he was promoted to the position of President and Chief Executive Officer on March 1, 1975.

Crazy-haired movie critic Gene Shalit turns 72. His moustache turns 62. The Today staple was a regular on What's My Line? and To Tell The Truth, played his bassoon on stage at Lincoln Center, and conducted the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra in a full concert of classical music, proving that image is truly everything

Feminist and publisher Gloria Steinem is 70. 70 years old! The Ms. magazine founder graduated magna cum laude from Smith College in 1956 but sexism was so rampant back then that it took her a full 8 years to co-found New York magazine. In 1971 she created Ms. Magazine and nothing smelled better to young men than the oncoming aroma of freshly burning brassierres. Next to cooling apple pies, of course.

Dominos Pizza founder Tom Monaghan is 67. His success proves that humans will rush to rally behind generic, middle of the road, bland bullshit because it appears safe, easy and inexpensive, even when it's not. Later the Bush family proves this too. My advice: avoid the Noid.

Florida orange juice spokesperson and anti-gay advocate Anita Bryant is 64. In 1977 she campaigned to repeal a Miami ordinance banning anti-gay discrimination. Her organization, Save Our Children, claimed that gays were converting children to homosexuality and rallied against gay adoptions.

"Since homosexuals cannot reproduce," she argued, "they must recruit and freshen their ranks."

As archaic and backwards as that sounds, earlier this year a federal appellate court upheld Florida's anti-gay adoption law using some of the same twisted logic that gay adoptive parents might create gay adoptive kids.

Which is why I drink only orange juice made from fresh California Valencia oranges, and not those uptight ones from the sunshine state.

The recently hospitalized Aretha Franklin is 62. The Queen of Soul and Rock n Roll Hall of Fame member has garnered 15 Grammy Awards throughout her respectable career, but my favorite moment of hers was when she co-starred in The Blues Brothers and unsuccessfully tried to convince Matt "Guitar" Murphy that he should think about his responsibilities instead of re-joining up with the likes of Jake and Elwood Blues.

The original Starsky, Paul Michael Glaser, is 61, and still doesnt get the props he deserves for directing Shaq in 1996's classic, Kazaam.

Actress Bonnie Bedilia is 58. She was Bruce Willis's wife in the Die Hard movies. 'member?

UK singer, songwriter Elton John is 57. He's gay.

SNL allumn Mary Gross is 51. Most recently she appeared in A Mighty Wind, Troop Beverly Hills and the TV show Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. Poor woman.

His momma knows him as Haywood Nelson but you know him as Dwayne Wayne from what may have been the best show in the 70s What's Happening! Rerun and Rog's pal turns 44 today. Now he had a fro!

Rebecca from tv's The Practice, Lisa Gay Hamilton hits the big 4-0. Although IMDB says she was in Jackie Brown, I dont remember her in it. All I remember, truthfully, is Deniro smoking out of a bong and then taking Bridget Fonda from behind. Remind me to rent that one again.

Ferris Bueller's skinny little wife Sarah Jessica Parker is 39. Almost everything about her annoys me. How she got an Emmy for "acting" like the ever-confused ditzy fashionista in Sex and the City is beyond me, but every chick I know wanted to be Carrie even though she is the Butterface posterchild (everythings hot but her face).

She was so convincing in Honeymoon In Vegas that hollywood ran right out and remade it the very next year (Indecent Proposal) with the far-more-worth-a-million-dollars-to-sleep-with-for-one-night Demi Moore.

Singer, guitarist Jeff Healey is 38. He's blind. He also plays the guitar backwards and upside down. Somehow.

The token black chick in "Saved By the Bell," Lark Voorhies ("Lisa Turtle ") is 30. Although she tried to be the next Tootie, no one can fill those roller skates despite appearing on several soap operas including "Days Of Our Lives" and "Bold and The Beautiful."

little big mind + space kadet + little lost robot

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everyone is coming to the Tsar show on April 5 at the El Rey on the Miracle Mile even Jupiter, Saturn, Mars, Venus and Mercury.

so you should come too.

this is going to be a mindblowing show. apparently theres a new attitude at the old historic LA theatre: they want good bands to play. so the first band that the brand new booker chose, no lie, were your boys Tsar.

and Tsar was all, cool, thanks, who are we opening for?

and the booker dude was all, no, youre the headliners.

and they were all, but our album wont even be out yet.

and the dude was like, so.

and they were all, but we dont have a video or a bunch of hype or anything.

and he was all, so.

and they were all, but we've been playing tiny little clubs as little warm up gigs before we tour the world and the booker guy was all, you are the best band in LA, you have a hot new cd coming out, you will fucking rock these old walls and shake the foundations, if there is one band that needs to be playing real venues its inside-out Star.

and they were all, cool.

so to celebrate im inviting you, my los angeles readers, to come to the show.

im also inviting my san diego readers

im inviting my oc readers

im inviting my ex girlfriends and former employees

im inviting all the hot babes of the web who want to meet me and touch my bald head

im inviting all the stalkers who want to meet karisa

im inviting everyone who can read this message to come to hollywood california on passover monday as the planets align and the sound of a new generation is hear.

a call in the wilderness as passionate as the cry of a wanting virgin on her wedding night

one of absolute pleasure and delicous pain

of fantastical beauty and endless wonderment

the sound of curious eyes being opened for the very first time in the name of rock.

im calling you out to witness the end of the bullshit and the beginning of a new regime in power punk.

this is your chance to experience the majesty which is tsar.

say you'll come.

tsar + balloon farm + the invisible hand + uppity-negro + betsy

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dear flagrant disregard,

my name is tony pierce.

i am 110 years old and i live near you but i live in hollywood.

i think youre swell.

i know youre probably a big fat hairy man. or worse, a republican, but i like you.

i like your website. i like your other website, the secret one, and i like your blog.

sometimes when youre sad it makes me sad. sometimes it makes me smile cuz i know youre just kidding.

lately youve been happy and that makes me very very happy because of all the times you seem so nervous and not happy.

i think you should try to practice to be happy.

heres how i practice.

what i do is i sit on my curb and i look at people.

i monitor myself and whenever i think Fuck what a goddamned asshole, i go, oh be nice now. and then i try to be nice. oh, what a hot looking fucking goddamned asshole.

etc.

so now i have gotten to the point where i just go, oh hi, look at that nice naked bum pissing so carefully in the gutter for that nice officer of the law to roll his car through.

see.

ok. now here is how to be happy with all that sweet art that you make.

sit in your house and look at the sculptures and charcoals and oil paintings and then sit back and say fuck not many people have these things.

then get a tiny peice of art that you have made and send it to the person who wrote this web page cuz he would be so damn appreciative you dont even know. send it to:

tony pierce
4845 Fountain Ave #15
Hollywood, CA 90029

and he wont ebay that shit.

not even after you die and become hugely famous.

ok.

now heres another way that you can be happy and make other people happy too.

email xxxtonyxxx at hotmail and give me a good time that i can catch you on AOL instant messenger so we can have a folow-up interview from the one we did many many many moons gone by.

if you want you can even send me pics of girls who you'd like me to put in the interview thing.

and last but not least, flagrant... i know how much you love the rock music, what you should do, and i think you'll like this, you need to go to the El Rey on April 5 to see Tsar play there.

theyre the headliners.

theyre going to rock the fucker.

theyre going to bring rock music back to wilshire blvd where it hasnt been in a long long time.

you dont have to say hi to me.

you dont have to buy me a michelob.

you dont have to introduce yourself as splinky the wonder kid.

you can lie if you want cuz sometimes Sometimes lies are funny, you can say hi my name is angela romano and god i love your blog.

and i will be so drunk + happy to be at a tsar show i wont even know what youre doing and later if you want when we're in an olde folkes home you can say remember that time at the el rey on passover night in two thousand and four...

flagrant + melting dolls + zero79

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my third grade teacher was a stripper. we didnt know what was one. not sure we woulda understood. found out when i was in highschool. we loved her back then. loved her more after.

she was our fourth grade teacher too. cried during reading us "Where the Red Fern Grows" out loud.

was the first reason i wanted to write.

somehow that was fourth grader logic: i love my teacher so much that i want to write a story that would make her cry.

i wonder where she is.

we called her Mrs. Janice even though she wasnt married. in those days we called everyone Mrs.

i dont think ive called anyone Mrs since.

last night my true love asked me if i still wanted kids. i said eh. she asked if i still wanted to get married. i was all eh.

she said dont give up on your dreams just cuz i wont marry you.

i was all, i gave up on being manager for the Cubs so who cares about all the other little stuff.

she said baby.

i was all, yes baby.

she was all, do you really want to marry me?

and i was all, no.

she said what!

i was all i want to do you then marry you then do you again.

then we talked about how Bush is a fucking pussy for not letting Condi Rice take the stand on Capital Hill and take her lumps for knowing about 9-11 and not doing shit about it.

and i started singing "whats he building in there" by tom waits but i changed it to "whats he hiding over there".

then we told each other we loved each other.

then i fell asleep watching the sopranos

and i still havent made it through sundays episode.

lady gauchos are in the sweet sixteen for the first time ever + the foxy moxie pierce + ken layne

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today's birthdays: March 24

Producer, animator Joseph Barbera is 93. Co-founder of the Hanna Barbera cartoon empire which brought us such classics as Tom & Jerry, Huckleberry Hound, Yogi Bear, Scooby Doo, The Flinstones, The Jetsons, The Atom Ant Show, Magilla Gorilla, Jonny Quest, Josie & the Pussycats, Motormouse, and The Smurfs.

Happy birthday old man, you make all of todays animators look like slackers.

Acid-eating poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti is 84. Best known for his City Lights book store in San Francisco, home of all the great beat writers. Proof that sex drugs and rock wont kill you.

Cher's favorite showgirl-esque fashion designer Bob Mackie is 64. He's won seven Emmys, including awards for his work on various Cher specials as well as the TV series "Mama's Family" and "Carol & Company." Yes, they give awards for going to Wal*Mart to clothe Mama's Family.

Oscar-winning director Curtis Hanson is 59. After getting the golden statuette for the movie "L.A. Confidential" he directed Eminem in "8 Mile". He also helmed the "Wonder Boys." Because of Curtis the Crossroads of the World's globe now spins atop the crazy building on Sunset Blvd. Thanks, Curt.

Musician & Producer Nick Lowe is 55. Best known for writing "(What's So Funny About) Peace, Love & Understanding" which Elvis Costello covered. Lowe produced several Costello projects including his first album "My Aim Is True" where Huey Lewis's band The News backed up the bespeckled Costello during such classics as "Allison."

Fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger is 53. Fuck Tommy Hilfucker.

Emmy Award-winning fat guy Louie Anderson is 53. Somehow he won two Emmys for his animated kids show "Life with Louie." But he will probably be best known for being the oaf who took over Family Feud for Richard Dawson and came out of the closet making everyone think: there are gay guys interested in Louie Anderson's ass?

Supertramp bassist Dougie Thomson is 53. They made that one song on "Breakfast in America" and we never heard from them again. This guy could be my gardener for all I know and judging from my lawn he probably is. Fuck Tommy Hilfucker.

Actress Donna Pescow is 50. After being John Travolta's girlfriend in "Saturday Night Fever" she went on to be forgotten on the TV series "Even Stevens" and "Angie."

Actress, model, and 80s hearthrob Kelly LeBrock is 44. "Weird Science" and "The Woman in Red" were huge hits back in the day and I was lucky enough to check out some video tapes for her during that period of time, and all I can say is makeup and lighting people in the industry just dont get paid enough. Still, I'd hit it.

Big fat black Star Jones is 42. In a close race she is officially the most annoying yenta of "The View" especially now that she is engaged to a man half her size. Theres an old joke about how you make love to a fat woman (roll her in flour and aim for the wet spots). It's an old joke because back in those days there was enough flour to cover most obese women. Not so after Star's romance with the new Steadman.

Actress Annabella Sciorra is 40. Probably best known as the Mercedes-selling former fling of Tony Soprano, she was also the mom in the "Hand That Rocks The Cradle" and the interracial love interest of Wesley Snipes in "Jungle Fever". Doest look a day over 45. Still, I'd hit that as well.

Jack Nicholson's ex-squeeze Lara Flynn Boyle is 34. The size 0 star hit it big with "Twin Peaks", "The Practice" and wearing that ballerina costume to the Oscars. I'd hit it but i'd break it.

Irish musician Sharon Corr of the Coors is 34. I have no clue which one she is, but since theyre all hot it really doesnt matter who she is does it. I hope shes the fiddle player though. Not sure why.

How could Alyson Hanningan be 30 today? Famous for her bandcamp tales in the "American Pie" movies some of us find her lesbian work in "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" grossly overlooked.

And finally little Keisha Castle-Hughes turns 14 today. When she was nominated for her work in "Whale Rider" last year she became the youngest Best Actress nominee in the history of the Academy Awards. It was her first feature film showing that experience means nothing to Oscar.

synthetic reality + ryan schofield + madpony

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theres good news and bad news to getting a lot of hits. the good news is everyone chips in a few bucks and you get rich.

the bad news is you have a much higher probability of having idiots run willy nilly through your comments leaving dumbass messages for you.

this is especially the case if you like to talk about religion politics or howard stern.

jeff jarvis gets ten times the hits that i do, and he's has been chronicling the howard stern vs the fcc saga so closely over the last few months that he has been calling his summaries The Daily Stern.

whats interesting to me after reading his take on the drama and his readers' responses is that i have never seen an issue where so many bright thinking flag wavers were so easilly to sell out the rights of another american simply because they didnt agree with his radio talk show in which he says penis or vagina when he's talking about penises and vaginas.

i can understand why the college kids stoners and strippers who dial my shit up wouldnt have a clear understanding of constitutional law and corporate politics and therefore wouldnt be interested in this fascinating moment in time when the self proclaimed king of all media is facing off against the fcc for the first time in ten years, an election year, in the wake of nipple gate and a conservative extremist president who like his father continues to make bad desicions as slouches towards his inevitable political doom.

but jarvis's readers are supposed to know better.

one particular commentor goes by the name of Trump.

today Trump said something so stupid that i just had to comment.

but first let's hear from him

So this morning, Stern:

-Compared religious people to the taliban (something Jeff also does)
-Said Bush was as bad as Hamas
-Compared Bush and the Republicans to Nazis.
-Said Bush knew about 9/11 but failed to stop it
-Said the war was all for Halliburton
-Said Kerry "volunteered" for Vietnam, in spite of his attempts to get a deferral
-In the howler of the day, he said Kerry had "one of the strongest voting records on defense he's ever seen"
-Mentioned that Bush "lied" about WMD
-Said the Iraq war was going horribly

Sorry, defending free speech is one thing, defending rank willful ignorance is another. I refuse to do it. He has a right to his ignorance, but NOT ON MY PUBLIC AIRWAVES. His dubious right to free speech on regulated airwaves is as dust in the wind compared to the damage he's doing to this country right now. I'll make a deal here- lets have this clown's "rights" be violated. I'll join you in protesting when it happens to the next guy. I refuse to defend the ignorant, or worse, the willfully lying.

Posted by Trump at March 23, 2004 12:25 PM

to which i replied:

so trump,

when your boy rush calls feminists "feminazis" you're cool with that

but when howard stern reminds us that the nazis were the type to kick people off the radio because of their politcal beliefs you get your panties in a bunch?

shocking.

the framers didnt reserve the right to free speech so the straight laced simple minded kool aid drinkers could smile and nod, they did it to protect those who needed to be protected: the fringe

the ones who call women nazis because they disagree with rich white old men.

i dont know if youve counted, but for every bush-baiting independent who has the gall to say things like the invasion in iraq isnt going well, theres 20 pasty right wing comb-overs like you with a radio show or a tv show or a corporation or a media conglomorate to say differently.

the anger you have about stern though is he

dare i say

trumps

all of you self righteous self serving ignorant frat boys

while showing how simple it really is.

and i cant wait to hear howard the morning after the election this november clear his throat and say

george w bush

you friggin idiot

youre fired.

the stern machine + today's tiffany's 20th birthday + when did mcmanus become a damned genius

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people are demanding to know what you do with a 22 year old virgin on her birthday.

get her drunk. duh.

what i did first though was i suprised her at her place of business. i know she gets off work at 6:30p so i made it to her place at 6. slipped the door guard a fiver to let me up unannounced and suprised her with a bouquet of flowers. one two three awwww.

then i asked her where she wanted to eat. she was so happy and shocked that i had shown up and suprised her that she said she didnt care where we ate. i said, even thai? she said even thai. which meant that she was in a great mood cuz she hates thai.

she drove us east down hollywood blvd and we parked in front of palms thai, home of the thai elvis impersonator. it wasnt yet dinner time so it wasnt crowded. i ordered a pad thai for her, and a shrimp fried rice and tom kha kah soup for my self.

the lady said that it would take a good 15 minutes to make the grub and we were getting this to go winkwinknudgenudge so we took a romantic stroll down east hollywood which isnt romantic at all.

i remembered that courtney love's old strip haunt Jumbo's Clown Room was near by and we ducked in for a quickie little peek and a quickie little beer n shot.

normally the women look pretty skanky but last night they had three pretty hot babes in there being all hot and playing Tom Waits songs which is precisely what you want to hear in a seedy neighborhood in hollywood at a one-girl-at-a-time strip club where theres no cover no hype and two stools in the back for lap dances.

headed out buzzed got the food and got to my house where we did everything-but. which included a vicious game of backgammon and a sexy couple of rounds of charades.

i kept guessing, "do me now?"

"do me Right now?"

but i was wrong.

but that dirty little girl did get all her 22 birthday spankings, thats for damn sure.

then i worked on lick till 4:20am as she snored on my couch waiting for her knight in shining armor to arrive.

some would say shes still waiting.

star sailing + michelle bell + annika

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part two on why the Scrubbies
will demolish the Corvids in Fantasy Baseball

otherwise known as "we thought pierce was cool"

(Corvid's GM Matt Welch's comments in italics)

Floyd vs. Jose Guillen. One's 27, and will play every day. The other's brittle as a ritz cracker.

the key word in welchie's slur is Ritz. mr. cliff floyd has been injured an awful lot in his career but sticks and stones no longer hurt him. he's having an awesome spring, and sits poised to regain his 30 HR 100 RBI .317 season that he gave the marlins in 2001 - not that long ago.

with Piazza batting behind him, mr. floyd will not only get decent pitches but will probably score a ton.

meanwhile jose guillen is a dominican howard johnson not the fabled hotel chain, but the former ny met who one day woke up and started hitting homers.

guillen spent his entire career bobbing between hitting .222 and .247. he also spent loads of time in the minors because he just. couldnt. hit. then all of a sudden last year he saw the light and around the fourth of july found himself batting .350!

he ended the year with a remarkable 23 homers, but now that steroids are illegal, he's a corked bat away from being back to hitting below the mendoza line.

have fun spending 7 years learning american league pitchers jose!

because im nice, i will consider this a toss up since both these players are huge question marks.

Podsednik vs. Kearns. Some skinny last-place Slav, vs. the next coming of Mickey Mantle. Good luck.

that skinny slav is Milwaukees best player, thank you. even though thats not saying much. last year as a Rookie, he led the brew crew in hitting (.314), runs scored (100), hits (175) and stolen bases (43).

the next Mickey Mantle has a good start on the mickster with an injury that kept him from playing the second half of the season last year. he did have an impressive 15 homers and an unimpressive .244 ba. but im sure he will find his way to the bottle and be the true embodiment of the former yankee.

i win.

Sosa vs. Shannon Stewart. Guess you had to win something besides backup C.

i like guys named Shannon. especially black guys, cuz you know if youre a black guy named Shannon you're used to beating peoples asses for laughing at your name.

Shannon doesnt beat Sammy at anything. even after his corked bat incident, Sammy took a non corked bat and knocked 40 homers and led the cubbies to what should have been a world series appearence.

bothered with an early season injury, sammy only hit .279 but drove in 103 runs. He also scored 99 runs. His K's continue to decrease but sadly his walks were nowhere near the 103 that he tallied just a few years ago.

but now that steroids are no longer cool in the bigs, count on the commish to juice the balls and dont be surprised if Sammy slams 70 homers this year --- more than 9-10 Shannon Stewarts.

so i win on this one - big time.

Walker vs. Carl Everett. Mine plays every outfield position, yours gets hurt every year.

mine will go into the hall of fame. mine does get hurt every year but for less than 20 games each of the last three seasons. mine goes to canada each year that he gets "hurt" to go fishing and work on his swing in peace. mine hit .350 in 2001 and .338 in 2002. only reason i got him at all - in the 7th round! - was cuz last year he batted a shockingly low .284, but he still walked 100 times and drove in 80 rbi's.

mine will win the batting crown again and yours is named carl.

carl is playing for his 7th team in his 10th year. if he's lucky he'll hit .280, but whats more likely is he'll twist his knee on that turf in montreal and call it a career. his name may as well be shannon.

did i mention that none of his previous six teams are saying fuck how could we have let carl everett go? he plays every position!

my outfield kicks yours in the ass despite the fact that i have two whities!

Roberts vs. Scott Spiezio. Whatev vs. Whatev

agreed.

i could go on and on about how my guy is gonna swipe 40 bases in the new-look go-go orioles but my baja burrito just arrived and i only like black dudes named Bip Roberts, not Brian.

still i will have to suffer with him till some dominican phenom rises from the nothingness for me to snatch up and be my new Mark Bellhorn.

Colon vs. Javier Vasquez. Not to diss my boy, but Jav had 240 Ks last year, he's young, not fat, and going from Puerto Rico to House o Ruth.

Senior Vasquez is the real reason to hate the Yankees. He will help the bombers forget about losing Wells Pettite and Clemens combined.

Kevin Brown will remind them what they lost. Especially after he gets hurt again.

Yes your boy struck out 247 batters last year, but you can do that in the NL when you get to whiff pitchers three times a game. The AL will be a different story. They still have DHs over there.

I like Vasquez but I also like Colon. I espect both of these fellas to flirt with 20 wins.

Therefore, a toss-up. But fuck the Yankees.

Derek Lowe vs. Johan Santana. Go check out their lifetime K/9s, and ERA over last two seasons, then get back to me.

im getting bach to you. johan doesnt have many "lifetime" stats since he's only been in the bigs for four years and he only really started pitching well last year. (12-3, 3.07, 169ks).

But Derek Lowe is a damn stud. In 2000 he had 42 saves, in 2001 he had 21 so they made him a starter in 2002.

So in 2002 he fucked around and won 21 friggin games. Last year he only won 17... poor guy. Now that they have a bullpen in beantown he'll win 20 again. of my four starters he has the best chance to win 20 games and the least chance to get over 120 k's. whatev.

20 game-winning toss-up. yay us.

Willis vs. Washburn. Proven 18-game winner on a first place team, vs. sophomore jinx on a struggling reigning champ? Probably a wash.

what you talking about welchie?

your boy washburn had one year where he won 18 games. and i think that damn monkey helped him win half of em. last year he gave up 200 hits, had a 4.45 era, was fat, was ugly, and planted that weed in hud's bag, and i bet you drop him before the all-star break.

Dontrelle might not lose a game before july. he's young, he's hung, and he has a ring.

i win. in a landslide/hurricane.

Glavine vs. Lackey. I'll bet you $50 on that one, too.

Tom Glavine has had one bad year his whole life.

Last year.

He did it on purpose so I could pick him up in the 18th round. This is a guy who had 18 wins in 2002. had 16 wins the year before that and 21 the year before that. career 251 wins.

lackey has a career 19 wins. and hes ugly.

in his last 13 games your boy won three games and lost eight. and it's not like he strikes people out. i dont know what you see in him other than a guy who would be delivering milk to your momma if this was 1950, not wins for Your anaheim angels.

my hall of famer beats your pretty boy big time.

my advice: keep your eye on the free agent wire and offer up some trades.

and whatever you do, dont discuss that bullpen of yours. especially that dude Kolb who might might might get 25 save opps.

matthew lee welch + howard owens + accordian guy

join the other busblog fantasy baseball league:
live draft THIS saturday @ noon pacific time + League ID# 88589 Password: blogger
but im gonna win that one too

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paris hilton wants to know what my fucking problem is. apparently im the only straight guy in hollywood who wont bone her. so she sent me this picture and asked if i only liked super innocent girls like ashley who wore daisies in their hair and i was thinking if everyone reads this blog, which apparently everyone does, why do the madpony girls kick my ass, doubling my hits on most days, even on weeks where they dont even update?

and i told paris that no i dont like only super innocent girls. im open to all sorts of chicks, including her and her sister. but then i regretted saying anything cuz the last thing i need is to have to deal with breaking poor aaron carter's fragile heart by stealing his girlfriend who does look pretty good in the marge simpson edition of maxim and its about time that maxim got a few more toons in their shit. even though a toon killed my uncle.

if i was to have a girlfriend anytime soon i would insist that our lustmaking sessions occur solely at my hollywood cabana. theres one particular young lady who keeps trying to pull me over to her cute little condo even though she has a cute little roommate. now, sure, i think we all know what madness may ensue, but it aint gonna ensue. all thats gonna happen is im going to be terribly uncomfortable and im not going to be able to bring the noise the way id like to because im going to be uptight about her roommate hearing, and whatever guest her roommate might have over.

its the silliest issue in rock, but say la vie. i had a similar problem with my true love way back in the day when we were just getting to know each other, except the roles were reversed in a way. i lived with four other dudes in a huge victorian on haight and she lived with her best friend in a quiet apartment on cole and i told her that our loudnesses would be absorbed by the cacocaphony of the bachelors, while at her place her book-learnin roommate would not only hear each move we made but would probably analyze and judge each sound that i was provoking.

youd think the ladies would appreciate a man who has his own place and all the benefits that would come from such a situation but im telling you fellas, life is not as simple as you think its going to be once you graduate highschool.

but no, they just get weirder.

me and paris have similar problems she tells me. for most people, she explains, they have to worry about getting money to spend. her problem is where to spend it and on what. and for me its not how i will get laid or by whom but where.

and i was all yeah paris those are tough problems we have. but im still not doing you until you wash all that aaron carter shit off your face and belly and everywhere else it might be.

she was like, thats so not cool

the new n.e.r.d. record isnt all that.

and i was all, dude im going to take a black light to your shit and if it isnt all out of there i dont want nothing to do with you and she was calling me names and crying but deep down she knows that it's the right thing to do.

and i think i got an inspiration from raspil on how to put Lick up tonight.

my single mom life + franny + prestopundit

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i think the real reason why im procrastinating on lick is cuz i dont have a good cover concept. i love the stories, theyre great. i love what raspil has done but i dont have a great picture for the cover yet and even though i have until the end of the month for it i dont want to give people the wrong idea.

i do love this picture of tiffany and anti at tiffanys twentieth birthday party but is that really a cover?

i appreciate all the ladies who have been patient with me as i go through this struggle.

one of my favorite magazines, the beastie boys' Grand Royal was like this.

they wouldnt come out for months, but when it did it was well worth the wait.

i got all six of their issues on ebay last year for thirty bucks.

one reason that i put the Lick blog up there was so people could write on there while the issue was getting put together.

im not exactly sure that people understand the blog and the zine and the differences.

thats fine.

people dont understand a lot of things.

thats why millions and millions and millions of people will actually vote for george bush in a few months.

and millions.

smart people even.

people who go through their lives not fucking up at all.

edjumacated people.

successful at business, career, and family.

people who dont buy unreasonably priced goods and services but will hire a guy who spends frivously and doesnt have a plan to get any money coming in.

people who are super against tax-and-spend but are somehow cool with dont-tax-and-spend.

maybe theyre just waiting on a good picture to inspire them before they get their heads out of their asses too.

mallory + anti + tiffany + lick mag + lick blog

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fantasy baseball 2004 talk
another reason the busblog kicks wil wheatons ass

my man matt welch thinks his Corvids fantasy baseball team
is more superior than my Scrubbies

in the busblog fantasy baseball league? we'll see about that.

his comments will be in italics

Welch sez: Let's compare Scrubbies & Corvids:

Piazza vs. Posada. Your boy's old & injured; mine's reigning 3rd place MVP. I win.

posada had a good year last year. LAST year. it was the best season of his ho hum career. this is a guy who averages a strike out a game. posada barely got 30 hrs last year, in his best year ever, whereas piazza averages 32 a year. injured. mike piazza could hit a homer with a broken leg if he had to. remember when he got hit in the head and died? during the wake he hit a home run. with bleached locks.

and this year hes gonna do it shoeless to keep it real (pictured).

plus posada is a yankee. fuck the yankees. plus posadas gonna bat either seventh or eighth in the lineup. no need to give him any good pitches with the scary likes of enrique wilson looming on the on-deck circle swinging three bats.

piazza will be hurt And he will hit 30 homers AND drive in 100 ribbies AND stoke my slugging percentage.

and he will finally come out.

along with enrique wilson.

Kendall vs. Jason Phillips. Jason who?

yahoo fantasy baseball allows you to tweak the settings any way you want. you can have ten outfielders if you want, 18 relievers. anything.

i choose to have only two changes to the traditional fantasy format. instead of the typical generic OF positions, i like to have a LF, CF and RF. this makes things a tad harder, you have to actually think about the specific fields that these professionals work in, and i find it offensive that most hacks lump all outfielders together, as if it doesnt take a certain skill set for each position.

i also have two catchers. i do this because catchers are normally drafted lower in the draft. this happens because most catchers are not offense-generating gentlemen. typically. and fantasy sports is almost entirely about the o. so to shake things up, and to shine the spotlight even brighter on those few men who actually do bring pop to the lineup from behind the plate, i allow two catchers to start each game in my leagues.

jason kendall, my second catcher, since piazza will probably get hurt, as welch so heartlessly brought up, only got hurt once. a long time ago, after rolling his ankle in one of the most disturbing peices of video this blogger has ever seen. before the injury, kendall's ba was in the 320s. after the injury he has steadilly gotten his swing back, and last year he regained his 320 average.

this year i expect him to hit .350, and start swiping bases again.

welch has piazzas backup jason thomas or something, who has only played in 136 games while looking like my bro mike hickey. he might not even end the season in the majors.

it's i who wins. the only way i could have drafted better in this vital area of Catchers is if i would have gotten piazza and ivan rodriguez And jason kendall. which i will probably do next week even though catchers dont really win it or lose it for you in fantasy sports.

Thomas vs. Nick Johnson. $50 says I win.

as a cub fan i dont like picking white sox. but frank thomas hit 42 home runs last year and drew 100 walks. welch claims to have read Moneyball but doesnt have one motherfucker with 100 walks. i do. so i win. and my boy has a lifetime batting average of .312, which he will flirt with again this year as he seems to have recovered from that hideous bicep tear that i dont even want to think about.

the problem with the big hurt is that he has struck out 115 times both last year and the year before. thats not like him. once he calms down and realizes that the sox arent going anywhere and all he needs to worry about is personal statistics and on base percentage, he will be the scott hattenberg that we all know he can be.

nick johnson is a poor man's brad fullmer, minus the one good year. nick played well for the yanks in last years post season but who couldnt tee off against that marlins pitching? oh thats right, the yankees couldnt. fuck the yankees.

nick johnson will never hit 500 homers, he's barely driven in over 100 ribbies in his life, let alone average it a year. he looks old, he doesnt have vlad in the lineup, and worst yet: he's the one expected to drive in runs like vlad did. he's doomed. viva la france and the twelve people who will show up to watch the expos play this year, a walking corpse if ever there was one.

i'd take your $50, welch, but i dont take money from journalists.

cuz they never have any.

i will take an autographed corvids poster though.

and the joy in knowing i did what you should do at first base: get a heavy fucking hitter who drives in runs. and frank thomas is back and i have him and i got him in the ninth gdamned round.

thats called a sleeper, friends.

Young vs. Soriano. Same team. Guess who'll start?

eric young is 100 years old. he swiped 28 bases despite being hurt. and popped a career-high 15 homers, mostly in milwaukee.

why the texas rangers chose to trade their franchise player for a second baseman is beyond me. so what if soriano is the best secondbaseman in baseball, and the future of the national pasttime. and steals around 40 bags a year and hits around 40 homers a year. and will hit 330 once he stops swinging at every pitch.

yes hes a stud, but the busblog fantasy league punishes him for his k's which he will get more of once he realizes that he's the only player on the field there at the ballpark in arlington. i say he gets pitched around and whiffs at at least three intentional walks.

what i plan on doing at second is platooning eric young and brian roberts in baltimore for those stolen bases, g.

you keep collecting those current and xyankees and those strikeouts.

Lowell vs. Glaus. One's 27 & plays in a good HR park for righties. Other's 31 or something & plays in the worse HR park for righties.

that 27 year old whiffs about 4.3 times for every homer, homer. in 2000 when he hit his career high 47 hrs he struck out 163 times. he's also no gold glover and hasnt had mo to blame in years.

with an angel murderers row of vlad, anderson and glaus i predict him to drive in 100 ribbies... but at what cost?

mike lowell will also drive in 100 ribbies because he still has those rabbits castillo and pierre ahead of him, but he wont strike out, instead he will hit .275 for my ass.

production at the corners. not ks. plus glaus doenst walk nearly enough. and hes ugly.

he needs to come out too.

Jeter vs. Furcal. $5 says I win.

derek jeter had his worst year last year in his career with only 10 dingers, 11 sbs and 52 rbi's. he also had 14 errors. his batting average mysteriously was .324 which apparently you can get away with when youre surrounded by studs.

this year jeter has more studs around him and a rod at third instead of a boone.

dont be suprised if he hits .375 with 35 homers and 30 sbs. theres no reason to steal bases when your lineup is indecent all the way down to enrigay wilson, but thats precisely why you run if you ask me.

theres only two yankees anyone should ever pick up for fantasy baseball, their shortstop and their closer.

this year the exception is their third baseman, but we're ignoring him right now until i can trade for him. watch jeter get 111 runs this year too thanks to his thirdbaseman.

furcal is that guy who lied about his age. turns out he's 37. which explains why he cant steal over 25 bases any more. it also explains why he's whiffed nearly 200 times over the last two years.

and whaddup with his 31 errors last year?

to recap: ive demolished him with my two catchers, and at first, he wins at second, we'll toss third up, but then i destroy him at short. that means im up $55 and a framed autographed corvids gold record.

outfielders and pitchers tonight or tomorrow.

aaron's baseball blog + muscle 68 + welchie + have you bought the Corvids cd yet? it's $12, what the hell.

join the other busblog fantasy baseball league:
live draft saturday @ noon + League ID# 88589 Password: blogger
but im gonna win that one too

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black folk can get away with anything. we have to keep reminding ourselves of that. bo jackson and michael jordan, michael jackson and oj. the fact that p diddy even has made one dollar is incredible but he was allowed to change his name several dozen times, do well in fashion, producing, creating television, and having the gayest manservant alive (pictured) while still not seeming gay is fascinating. magic got away with having aids. 50 got away with not even knowing how to rap, bobby mcfarren got away with a grammy, but i guess so did rob and fab. arsenio almost got away with it. gary coleman and emmanuelle lewis got away with it as kids, not so much now.

downtown julie brown is getting away with having that fake british accent. colin powell is getting away with it, as is condi rice - claiming to be republican, that is. jc watts somehow pulled it off despite being named jc watts.

i have no idea how charlie pride got away with it.

and heres oprah getting away with it.

please explain to me again how one person can be the richest most powerful woman on tv when she has one show. dont say its cuz she owns the oxygen channel because nobody watches the damn oxygen channel, nor reads her magazine, or watches dr. phil.

no way can she be that powerful or that rich.

no way.

and shes getting away with being fat.

and shes getting away with not having any damn kids.

and shes getting away with not getting married to steadman.

while being able to tell america what tossing a salad is on national tv when Only kids are watching

pretty much.

does she get fined by the fcc?

haiiiiiiiiiiillllllll no.

fool you musta lost your mind. oprah? oprah winfrey?

wigga please.

prince gets away with it. tyson gets away with it. mariah whitney r kelly get away with it cuz blacks can do anything.

snoop dogg smoked dope made porn rapped about pimping his hoes and being in a gang and even when murder was the case he slipped between their hands and looked smoooove on the way out.

ice cube has said fuck the police, the fbi, and amerikkka and got away with it.

kobes gonna get away with it, cheating that is. tiger woods is getting away with nailing that blonde model chick. and michael powell is getting away with not fining oprah.

and i think thats a good thing.

cuz sometimes those light skinned brothas wont give a sista a break.

i got a break during today's fantasy draft:

M. Piazza (NYM - C)
J. Kendall (Pit - C)
F. Thomas (CWS - 1B)
E. Young (Tex - 2B)
M. Lowell (Fla - 3B)
D. Jeter (NYY - SS)
C. Floyd (NYM - LF)
S. Podsednik (Mil - CF)
S. Sosa (ChC - RF)
L. Walker (Col - RF)
�. S�nchez (Det - CF)
B. Roberts (Bal - 2B)

B. Col�n (Ana - SP)
D. Lowe (Bos - SP)
D. Willis (Fla - SP)
T. Glavine (NYM - SP)
C. Pavano (Fla - SP)
J. Julio (Bal - RP)
J. Mesa (Pit - RP)
M. MacDougal (KC - RP)
C. Pavano (Fla - SP)
B. Koch (CWS - RP)


happy bday artlung + dc + tiffany

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