Dear Tony,

Right now I'm should be in the back of a Vanaggon sleeping under the stars with this hottie that I've been with for a year. She's not my girl. But we date a lot. Even though, she says she considers me her boyfriend. And I must say, when I think of things like Memorial Day weekends the first person I think of is her.

And that is why last week at this time I was telling her that I wanted to drive up to San Francisco with her in my Vanaggon, real slow, camping along the way, and being together for all four days.

She was into it.

The plan was to have no plan.

Just drive.

Pull over and check shit out when it was cool, drive when it was dull.

Just hold hands and ride north and fuck against trees along the way.

In the middle of the week she called and told me that she couldnt spend all four days with me because her roommates were going to have a Memorial Day party on Sunday and she had to be there for it because she and her roommates have been best friends forevr.

Normally that sort of shit would piss me off, but I have tried to be better to her, and I told her it was a bummer because, strangely, even though we've dated for a year, we've never gone out of town together, and never had a roadtrip together. But I understood the closeness that she has for her friends, and I realize that sometimes I can get in the way of their activities.

She asked if I was mad and I said, I would get over it. And I thanked her for telling me early enough so I could do something else.

So we ammended our plans to drive down to Mexico on Friday (I was going to get out of class early on Friday, and pick her up and be on the road by 4pm), and be back in LA by Saturday night. A quickie little trip but fun. A mini roadtrip.

Friday came and she IMed me and said she was looking forward to our weekend. I told her that I was super tired and wondered if we could just chill at my parents house in Newport cuz they would be out of town and I was having second thoughts about crossing the border twice in two days. She said all she wanted to do was be naked with me, and my folk's place would be great since it would be cleaner than my apartment.

Then she made a smiley face.

So that night I met her at their place and she laid down on the couch and we held each other and she fell asleep and I let her nap a while and when she woke up she told me that she couldnt spend the night cuz she had been on two dates with this new guy and she just hasnt figured out how to emotionally deal with dating two guys.

So she said she had to sorta stop dating me for a while. Starting right then. She started to cry. She asked me if I was mad. I told her I couldnt tell her what to do with her life. I wasn't her boyfriend. I think she wanted me to fight. I didn't want to fight. I was exhausted from the week. I was a little tipsy from the beers I had been drinking and the two vicodin I had eaten for my bad back. And I was shocked.

She and I hadn't had a fight in months and months. Our sex life had only gotten increasingly better. I was banging the hell out of this chick every time we'd see each other. She would lay on the bed afterwards and just say quietly oh my god oh my god oh my god. There was nothing that we wouldnt do to each other. Nothing.

If she felt like our relationship was getting dull or something, I mean, wasn't that why we were going on the road trip? Wasn't that a good idea? Every time I reach out to her she punishes me. I had just written a poem about kissing her that she said she loved. I had just made all these cds for her.

And by telling me right there and then that she was reneging on the two-day weekend plans made me really furious because I had told her that that was the only thing what would have bothered me if she had canceled our roadtrip at the last minute. As long as I have a little bit of time to realign things and rearrange things I'm cool, but this wasn't cool and she knew it.

She kept saying that she was sorry for being an asshole. She kept saying that she knew she was wrong. That she was sorry. She was taking full blame.

So now I'm sitting here. It's Saturday night. I'm in this huge beach side house that's really clean and really empty and it sucks.

I can't write about it on my blog because I don't want to give her the pleasure of knowing that I even care. Because I know there's something psychological that she's trying to do to me, I just don't know what. What the hell did I do to her to deserve this?

And that's why I'm writing to you. You seem to know how to handle dating multiple women. Maybe not everything on your blog is false. So could you help a brother out?

Thanks,

Saul in Newport Beach

dear saul,

id like to begin this by saying something sweeping and shockinglike "all you bitches crazy" but everyones crazy, certainly not just all you bitches.

half you bitches voted for bush. that even in retrospect is crazy given that clinton gore did wonders for this cuntry and the only handful of shit that ever stuck to clinton was that he actually did have sex with that woman. oooooo. still have you bitches vote for bush and you'll still vote for him in novemember despite the economy stupid despite the gas prices despite iraq despite the fcc despite the fact that he Still cant pronounce abu ghraib despite the fact that he still cant find osb or wmd and it took him a nearly a year of occupation to find saddam. but youre all, its cool, and what do you want us to do... think?

and the other half of you bitches let it all happen. the fcc Still hasnt fined oprah. the president Still hasnt released his national guard records. and the voting machines in florida still arent fixed.

therefore it doesnt suprise me that your bitch is crazy since all you bitches crazy. i suggest you drop her into the once a month club. that means once a month. no weekends. no overnights. and no kissing. bitches who dont respect a good thing will never respect a good thing. by dropping her out of the heavy rotation youre not punishing her, youre weening you. and if she has a key to your crib change the locks.

g's up,

tony

kevynn + raspil + angelina

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raymi's wish is my desire

everyones all american + anti + i think manic

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this week in rock in LA

tonight 5/28
prince, staples
the motels, hollywood park casino
ozma, mr. t's bowl
soccer mom, 14 below
child pornography, the smell

saturday 5/29
alanis morissette, the grove (free) - noon
shock g, viper room
primus, verizon amphitheatre

sunday 5/30
the spazmatics, dragonfly
extreme elvis, king king

monday 5/31
sondre lerche, hear music (free)
the gin blossoms, hollywood park casino
sondre lerche, troubador

tuesday 6/1
yo la tengo, henry fonda theatre
third grade teacher, spaceland
driving by braille, the derby
ron sexsmith, troubador

wednesday 6/2
madonna, the pond
wetback, spaceland
this scares me, the smell
lambchop, knitting factory

thurs 6/3
prince, staples
madonna, the pond
stan ridgeway, knitting factory
pato banton, key club

fri 6/4
eagles of death metal, amoeba (free)
the shins, wiltern

eric case + sk smith + wonkette emailed me back and i nearly fell over *swoon*

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problem is, she knows when its too late. its one twenty five am and its too late. long legs. smooth. maybe a little too smooth. not a blemish, not a mark. he seriously thought to himself, she might be an android. then remembered that she had made that joke about putting on a strapon and effing him. so this is what they meant by anal probe.

her eyes were closed. he couldnt stop kissing her belly and telling her how good looking she looked. hed kiss and say, see, now thats good shit. search for a new target a few inches away and kiss and say, yep.

the white stipes were on in the living room speakers. something about jolene jolene jolene jo-lene...

but neither of them noticed. jesus candle blowing from the open sliding glass door which should be closed he thought cuz shes sorta loud and went back to not thinking and aiming at better parts and slowly moving down to the perfect perfect skin perfect from years of soaking in a tub waiting for a good man but tonight she settled again.

this shit is worth something he told her, seemingly genuine for once, but completely inappropriate considering the situation. she smiled. had to.

kissed over there and said fifty cents right there.

kissed over here and said probably about a good fourty cents depending on the supply and

kissed the neck and said buck, buck fiddy.

closer to the ear, two bucks.

ear, twenty

ears arent cheap

kissed around the hair line, inhaled deeply

coughed

(stoner)

kissed her forehead

again

and

again

kissed her nose

and then top smiling lip

twelve fiddy

fifteen

thirty

fifty

hundred

three hundred

three hundred

three hundred

threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

amy + sutter + noah

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why today's new york times mention makes me pissed off at the Instapundit. by tony pierce, 110.

as you are well aware, today the paper of record, the epitome of high class american journalism, printed part of an interview with me, and linked this very blog on from its website.

the approximate amount of traffic that i will get from that link from the nyt will be around 3,000 hits today. not bad when you consider that i average about 1,000 hits a day.

however, earlier this month, my new best friend atrios linked me and i got 7,000 hits, more than twice the number of the highly respected and deservedly so new york times.

atrois's numbers still pale in comparison to the Instapundit who could easilly bring in 3, 4, or 5 times the amount of traffic to the fortunate blog who is lucky enough to find himself on the other end of a link when Indy decides to take a break from blogging, as he did yesterday as he is away travelling.

glenn's site, instapundit.com averages over 120,000 hits a day, according to his site meter.

this hour alone he got more hits (4,765) from the blogosphere than i will get all day from the new york times.

my hope is that my man would actually do something interesting with those hits other than just be a drudgeclone.

and although i am not implying that he is intentionally abusing his influence by linking solely to news articles and bloggers and blogs who echo is political bent, i would like to invite him to broaden his scope and share the love a little more than he has done in recent months, particularilly in regards to non-partisan news stories like the involvement of Riggs Bank and their record-breaking fine of $25 million for aiding the Saudi's to money launder and fund at least two of the 19 terrorists responsible for the tragedies on 9/11.

the reason mr. reynolds gets so many hits a day is because he is generally believed to be a reliable news filter. as a law professor he apparently has enough free time in his day to read scores of newspapers and websites and as a free service to the web he links to many of those current event stories and news blurbs and provides insightful and reasonable commentary in short, readable chunks.

however when he refuses to do things like discuss the testimony that donald rumsfeld gave earlier this month, seriously discuss the accusations that pulitzer winning investigative reporter seymour hersh levvied against the defense secretary saying that the cia said that rumsfeld expanded a highly secretive operation originally intended to find Al Qaeda to include the aggressive and sexual interrogation of prisoners in Iraq, or even mention Riggs Bank and its relationship to President Bush's uncle Jonathan (an executive of Riggs Investment), the illusion of impartiality is diminished.

Riggs Bank is the infamous Washington DC establishment best know as the being where Saudi Princess Haifa Al-Faisal, wife of Saudi Ambassador Prince Bandar allegedly sent nearly a half million dollars to the saudi "student" Omar al-Bayoumi who then gave some of the money to Khalid al-Mihdhar and Nawaf al-Hazmi.

Khalid al-Mihdhar and Nawaf al-Hazmi, pictured, of course are two of the nineteen 9/11 hijackers, 15 of whom were Saudi, like osama bin ladin.

The ties between the bush family and the prince and princess go far beyond banking, which might be one reason why the President censored 28 pages of a 9/11 congressional report that dealt with the Saudi's role in the terrorist attacks.

"My judgment is 95 percent of that information could be declassified, become uncensored so the American people would know," Sen. Richard Shelby (R-Ala.), former vice chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, said last July on "Meet the Press".

Shelby who said that he had read all 28 pages that had been redacted, speculated that the reason that the Bush Administration is keeping those pages from the American public is because of politics.

"I think it might be embarrassing to international relations," he said.

So is the Instapundit also concerned about embarrasing international relations between the USA and Saudi Arabia? is that why he refuses to even blog the words "Riggs Bank" who was fined last month for doing things like not even mentioning approximately $30 million in transactions between the Saudis and "charities" that they donate to, some who have members of al-queda on their board.

I would think that any serious political blogger would be interested in this, which might be the juiciest political story of the year. The uncle of the president, Jonathan Bush, who is the brother of the former president, turning the other way so that the saudi crown can fund the terrorists behind 9/11?

wouldnt that make Jonathan Bush the biggest traitor since benedict arnold?

i know uncle bush probably didnt physically do anything, but he turned his back so that those attrocities could happen.

and isnt that just as bad?

and isnt anyone who turns their backs on attrocities specifically surrounding 9/11 a traitor in these, the days of the Patriot Act?

i wouldnt know. i just get 1,000 hits a day.

but if i had the luxury of 15 times that, i think i would want to use my superpowers to continue the discussions that are nearest and dearest to america's heart.

like little things like 9/11 and those who were part of the problem.

even if it means, for example, including the president and his uncle, and the bank that was central to letting it happen.

verbungle + doc searls + jim gilliam

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sharp-eyed reader rick rock was correct in noticing that the paper of record didnt mention my age in today's article on bloggers.

did they ask me my age? yes.

did they ask several times over several phone calls? yes.

did i ever give them my actual age? hell no.

if i havent told you, my dear readers, why would i tell strangers just because theyre being persistant?

i dont give my age on the blog for lots of reasons, and I told the NY Times, who i respect and admire.

the first being that age is rarely relevant in any discussion that doesnt have to do with statutory rape, bilking social security, or underage drinking.

but mostly i am interested in having my stories and my writings judged solely on the tales and the storytelling.

age only allows for generalizations and discriminations that arent necessarilly the truth. when i say that im 110 years old, im saying that im old. isnt that enough?

we live in a time where youth is foolishly glamourized and idealized and allowed special treatment despite the fact that even though some kids are incredible, most are dumbassed twits who look good in miniskirts because they're, well, young.

for example, if youre a marginal singer and youre 16 years old, you can be the runner-up for American Idol. but if youre a dynamite singer and over 25 you cant even audition. thats fucked up, particuliarly because i just saw Prince, who is no longer a teenager, kick everyones ass, of any age, several times over.

why cant the media figure out a way to get him in front of 50 million tv viewers?

because the media has a hardon for the "next big thing" and they turn their backs on established stars the minute they drop out of the top 40.

the media's obsession with youth is no different than other forms of agism that i have to battle on the daily.

for example, if a young woman wants to make out with a 110 year old blogger suddenly everyone claims that shes being taken advantage of, and the blogger is branded as some sexcrazed cradlerobber-- even if the dirty old man is far cooler and takes better care of her than some pimplefaced freak with a slipknot tshirt, herpes, and a permanant boner.

my stupid age in relation to a fluff peice about obsessive blogging has absolutely nothing to do with the story, and the exclusion of my age subracted zero from the tale being spun.

the habit that the NYT and other papers and magazines have of including ages in the descriptions of their subjects is lazy journalism that distorts the story in more cases than adding to them.

who cares that "joe schmoe, 57, owner of Local Icecream Shop" who got robbed tuesday is 57 years old? it's only useful information if joe was 157 or 15, because then it would possibly be the cause of the robbery. and thats why i call the blanket use of ages lazy journalism.

i have great respect for the new york times. far more respect than i have for the la times, my local rag. but not everything they do is perfect.

i dont have a girlfriend. i never said to the reporter that i had a girlfriend. i told a perfect antedote about how my obsessive blogging lead to strife with a girl who had spent the night at my house.

i said that she heard me wake up at 6am, and asked me to wake her up at 7:30am so we could be on time for work.

what happened was i blogged until 8:10am and woke her up after i was done and that led us to being late which re-started a long going little arguement that she has with me that i should spend the night more often at her house, so that we wouldnt be so late in the mornings.

but because i dont like her setup as it irritates the carpel tunnel that i fight with BECAUSE of my obsessive blogging, and because i dont like using iMacs, oftentimes she spends the night at my house.

but in this world where writers want everything to fit in a perfect box of "girlfriends" "age 111" and "scheduler" you miss out on the fine details of human experience, and in this case, in an interesting tale.

for the record i didnt even bother to tell them that i was an undercover agent in the xbi and i told them the one lie that i tell all reporters, that i am a scheduler for a large entertainment company.

to which they say cool and go back to trying to get me to reveal my age.

which matters less than where i work and what astrological sign i am.

and yes, this might be the last interview that i grant the press because these things never turn out the way i hope they will. which is "Fucking A: Tony Pierce the Man!"

but at least today my mom will be proud that her son is in a fancy ass paper for mostly good reasons.

and im very suprised and grateful that they linked me directly in their electronic version.

grateful because no i can invite the thousands of hits that they sent me to one of my all-time favorite "obsessive" bloggers, jay mccarthy, whose home burned down the other day and is now feeling gulity that his blog-reading is falling behind. thats the sort of guy he is.

jay's site, makeoutcity.com, is the epitome of a good blogger who appreciates the blogs and spends a great amount of time reading and writing about the whole whateverthisis.

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prince
staples center
los angeles
5/26/04

dearly beloved,

if u ever want 2 get through this thing called life, make sure u go 2 a prince show at least once.

and if you go once, you'll be back.

prince popped up through the center of his stage last night at the sold-out staples center dressed in white. pure of any sin. and the definition of sexy.

an x marked the spot on the center of the arena. his gold microphone awaited him. his 8 peice band including horn section featuring james brown's legendary sax man maceo parker and blonde bombshell candy dulfer waited for him. and the screaming LA crowd who were amazingly on-time waited for him on this, the second night of an unprecidented five-night stand of los angeles's premier concert and sports venue.

home of the lakers, the grammys, the kings, and last night, of prince.

he owned it. he rocked it. he was it.

as a witness of hundreds of concerts, ive seen the best: the stones, springsteen, u2, miles davis, the jackson 5, eric clapton, van halen, tom waits, elvis costello, tsar, jane's addiction, and the beastie boys. but never have i seen one man seemingly never make a mistake, a wasted motion, or spin and twirl and pirrorette and be equal parts show-off and showman like that freaky little dude from minnesota.

and the fucker did it in heels.

he played his guitar like a kid would play a broomstick. it was an air guitar to him.

a total maestro he would throw his hand down and the drummer would accent the beat and stop.

a master controller he would tell the lighting man to bring up the lights and bring them down and the lights went up or down immediately.

when he grew tired of his guitar a well-dressed man would come out and take it from him and he pranced over to a couch on the stage and his keyboard player gave him a pillow for his feet and a blanket.

then he played bass. then he played bass with the bass player.

then he danced.

fuck did he dance.

all while throwing out classic r&b numbers like chinese stars, all written, produced, and performed by himself throughout the years.

upon entering the show the ushers handed out free copies of his new cd, musicology and one guy said to his buddy, "mick jagger never gave me anything for free."

and as much as i love mick, mick never played the guitar or wrote these sorts of songs, alone, or this sexy, or with this much funk.

what we got to be a part of last night kept us on our feet dancing for over two hours, and when he concluded with an extended encore of the title track of his best known album, purple rain no one wanted to leave.

except for the yuppies who wanted to somehow "beat" traffic. which, sadly was half the arena.

but whatever, prince had pummelled them. he had pummelled all of us.

if elvis had actually known a thing about showmanship and songwriting and guitar playing and dancing, the king would have been prince.

in my 110 years, this was the best arena concert ive ever seen.

i smiled the entire time.

anti + simpleton + xero 79

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dear ladies of los angeles,



i know the new york times on 5/27 says i have a girlfriend.

i dont. i swear. i dont.

i swear.

tons of photo essays + before i blogged i did this + lick magazine issue one + issue two + lick blog

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the sun came out today in LA. we're not used to having two days without sunshine. because of the sun we tolerate the gridlocked freeways, the expensive rents, and the movie industry closing down our favorite restaurants and strip clubs in order to film.

last night the lakers made mincemeat out of minnesota. kobe only took two shots in the first half just to toy with the timberwolves' emotions. the lakergirls didnt even aplly any glitter. they should just give us our rings now.

tonight im seeing prince with my true love. her car got broken into last night but she doesnt care cuz shes seeing prince tongiht with me. my carpel tunnel is kicking in so hard and i dont care cuz im seeing the artist and i know that the carpal tunnel is the devil in my wristbone and he doesnt want me to spread the good news. so fuck him.

last night i was up till 3am. im a fool. im a superfool. this morn i woke up and heard howard stern talking to wendy the retard and it was wonderful. the devil doesnt want me to type about this either.

tomorrow i will probably get mentioned in the new york times. hopefully in a postitive way, but you never know. so if you are near a newsstand that has the paper of record tomorrow pick it up and read all about it.

will it help me get a job as a writer? doubt it. last year the LA Times called this very blog the "most entertaining blog in LA" and nobody was knocking down my door and to be honest i didnt really push anyone to get a gig writing anywhere either. but still, you'd think someone would write me and see what my rate is to spice up their online presence.

but no. life isnt like that.

life, just like dating, just like most things, is about going out there with your big fat black bat and beating people over the head with it and dragging home what you can. you can be nice all you want but opportunity rarely knocks, youve got to knock it over and sink your teeth in and take a huge bite.

how do you think we got america.

sad part about taking what you want. i was at dodger stadium the other day with the super hot clipper girl's cousin. i forget what game we saw. dodgers against someone. and she said wow, how did they get all this land up on top of this hill like this, must have gotten it a long time ago before there were any houses.

but there were always houses on top of hills.

and i told her the story about how they displaced all these poor families who lived on chavez ravine in 1960 when the dodgers moved from brooklyn to LA.

and i told her the story about how when FOX bought the dodgers from the O'Malley family that they also got the land that dodger stadium sits on.

and i invited her to look around and think about how many mcmansions you could build on that land if you were to move Dodger Stadium somewhere else like Irwindale or Downtown.

and all the millions you could make.

and she said but where did all the people go when they knocked down their homes.

and i reminded her that those were the little details that nobody wants to think about.

she said, what, they had to move to pasadena or something?

i said, worse.

she said, echo park?

i said, worse.

she said, south central?

i said, worse.

and just then someone walked past wearing an Angel hat.

she said the OC?

and i nodded.

and she said, sheeeeeet. and i said, yeah. i know.

stephen + zanti misfit + mad mathias and steph all took the quiz

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yes i am a little dissapointed and suprised that not more people took me up on the honest-blogger quiz.

i thought more bloggers had the courage to answer a few questions so that others could learn more about them and so they could be up-front to their readers.

but we dont really live in a time when courage is rewarded as much as mediocraty and image and status.

it takes courage to do things like say the war on drugs is a pathetic waste of time and money.

it takes courage to do things like say the war on iraq is a pathetic waste of time money and american lives and how dare we have the nads to propigate the belief that iraq cant figure out how to move on without saddam unless WE teach them how to set up their new system when our system produced a fucking retard as president who didnt win the popular vote and probably didnt win the electoral votes either.

it takes courage to say i voted for these five people as president.

it takes courage to put your name on it and present it to the blogosphere which includes people who might want to disagree with you.

it takes courage to say i believe that Jesus is God and i have read and agree with the Bible.

and it really takes courage to say i believe in Jesus and i havent read the bible.

but i know the game. dont make yourself vulnerable, dont put yourself out there, dont reveal the truth about yourself or else you give your "enemy" ammunition and you shock your supporters.

it takes courage to say that you dont give a flying fuck what your readers think about your beliefs, here they are, love it or git.

one thing you have to say about our sitting president, he doesnt give a rats ass what you think of him, his lack of education, his fucked up brand of Christianity, his disdain for the press and the constitution, how the world views this country, how his actions effect the economy, or how much oil prices are costing americans.

all he cares about is himself and his friends and their ideals.

hes a dumb as an abusive soldier smiling at the digial camera, but at least he's comfortable with himself. and that we could all learn from.

in the same way that we can learn by noticing how much retards laugh.

my pallie kitty bukkake wrote an addendum to the honest-bloggers quiz. below are her new questions and my new answers.

1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog? i live in hollywood. im the last person anyone is going to recognize.

2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered? that would take some sort of effort. not to mention time and talent.

3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you? creeps no, dorks sure.

4. Do you lie in your blog? only about my age, my job, my dating habits, my flying car, and a lot of the little details. but generally no.

5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog? that shits for chicks.

6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop? anyone who threatens to quit blogging probably should quit blogging.

7. Are you in therapy? If not, should you be? If so, is it helping? no. yes, but i should be the therapist.

8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones? about 10% of the stupid anonymous ones. no, never, although i have been tempted to write fake ones to stir up a little situation in the comments, but then i realized that im not in highschool anymore.

9. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog? How about after? at 110 years old it takes a little more than what ive seen on the blogosphere. although raymi, bunny, bunnie, and zulieka intellectually turn me on a great deal.

10. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less? probably less. which is why i dont encourage interaction, and why i dont seek out meeting the bloggers who i like to read.

11. Do you have a job? i am paid a stipend for what i do from 9-6.

12. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it? i would even do it for a half-decent salary.

13. Which blogger do you want to meet in real life? several including fragrant, kristin, zulieka, bunnie, nay, jaylex, steph, aaron, and the kool kids at blogger.com.

14. How many bloggers have you made out with? 5

15. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have? i dont mind picking up the check, but i dont think that means im acting like im rich.

16. Does your family read your blog? yes.

17. How old is your blog? 3 years in august.

18. Do you get more than 1000 pageviews per day? Do you care? my counter has been public since i started. right now it says that i am averaging 2,000+ but sitemeter's averages has never worked right. i average about 1,000 a day. heres why i know it doesnt work right. for nearly half a year i have averaged about 1,000 a day. last week atrios linked me and i got 7,000 in one day and 3,000 the next day. now all of a sudden sitemeter is saying i average 2,000+. nuts.

19. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar? im not depressed very often, but the times that i am i wish i had a secret blog because if i write about it i would prefer to turn off the comments on that particular post because i wouldnt want it to look like i was pandering for pity. sometimes i just want to tell a sad story starring me. otherwise im rarely slutty and i only lie on the blog.

20. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing? i donate all the time. i think its nice. currently i recommend donating to makeoutcity who had his house burn down the other day.

21. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes? no, and i also dont deduct the way i probably could either.

22. Is blogging narcissistic? in theory. but careful storytelling can overcome that.

23. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time? guilty isnt the word. ancy is.

24. Do you like John Mayer? fuck john mayer. and the bluesbreakers.

25. Do you have enemies? yes, and theyre dumb.

26. Are you lonely? i havent been lonely in years. luckilly.

27. Why bother? cuz a lot of people would love to be in our situations.

simpleton + antipode + glowsticks

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people have been writing in a bunch wondering why i am putting all these pictures of hot chicks on my blog. and the answer is simple: i always put pics of hot chicks on my blog.

mostly i do it to distract people away from the sloppy design and frivilous writing.

but right now im putting these particular photographs of this years Miss Universe wannabes on nearly every post so that people have a good idea of who is in the running for the upcoming pageant, which takes place June 1 in Ecuador.

im not a fan of beauty pageants. i think everyone is beautiful. especially when they leave nice comments on my blog and flow me.

but this is a spectacle and it is bizarre, and it is a funny way to learn about foreign lands. but mostly its a spectacle.

in theory it would be pretty cool to try to figure out who is the hottest chick on the globe, and one of the things that i am attempting to show you through all these pictures is that this contest takes place over several weeks, which, as you probably would agree is necessary when trying to determine beauty.

you cant just flip through a stack of 8x10 glossies. you cant just check out video tapes or have them parade down a catwalk buttnaked.

in order to find true beauty you have to sit with the ladies and make them do crazy things and laugh as they crack over several weeks.

which is why it should be a reality show.

and everyone would watch.

and it would make a fortune.

as ive discussed before.

and as i will probably discuss again.

hottest chick from work came over tonight and we ate and drank and watched tv.

i have the greatest life.

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a hot babe wants to have lunch with me and i told her to pick me up at 1pm so i could write to you. is that sick? yes it is.

lots of things can happen when you make a hottie wait. the obvious of course is someone else can ask her to lunch. someone taller and richer and more powerful and handsomer.

the other thing is she can eat her mellonballs by herself at her desk and pout.

the other thing is she can suddenly get really busy and have to cancel.

fortunately if you fly chopper one you have a tiny bit of pull at the xbi and a hottie might wait for twenty minutes and get some extra work done.

lets keep our fingers crossed that this will be the case.

my editor wrote me earlier this afternoon to tell me that the forum, formerly the Fabulous Forum, and formerly the Great Western Forum is located in Inglewood, which of course i knew since i lived about four blocks away from the LA landmark in the late 80s.

he was writing to tell me that Inglewood has been an incorporated city since 1908.

and therefore not part of South Central LA.

to which i say, whatev.

but thats why hes my editor. splitting hairs is what i (dont) pay him to do. attention to detail is what hes best at.

whats fascinating is that he knew this fact seconds after i posted it.

freaky.

i hear he has a new babe.

im happy for him cuz hes a good man.

now its time for a little soup as im feeling a tad bit under the weather.

but just a tad.

although miss montreal, upon hearing this, refused to kiss me all night last night. a first.

and if she didnt have sudden plans to have a stupid ass memorial day party this weekend, i was planning on driving her up pch and banging her every 50 miles.

i guess i will have to find another cheerleader to join me.

sigh.

utter wonder + kitty bukkake + tiny little penis

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madonna reinvented herself at the forum last night kicking off her brand new tour here in los angeles.

the forum is technically in south central la, which has recently been changed to the more politically correct "south los angeles", but i digress.

twenty years ago madonna bumped and grinded her way onto mtv and it's been hard to get her out of the public spotlight, try as we might.

sadly the re-invention has already taken place in the forms of britney and christina, but whatev, maybe the old bag has a few more tricks up her sleeve, who knows.

you know how hot you are here in LA based on where you are playing. while doing a few shows at the Forum used to be the creme de la creme back in the day of dayglow, fingerless bikergloves, and ripped sweatshirts, it's no longer the case.

today in LA you're not a big dog unless youre headlining at Staples Center.

tomorrow night the Lakers will headline there, and wednesday Prince begins a five night engagement ending the arguement once and for all as to who of the big stars of '84 has held up the best: madonna, springsteen, prince, or michael jackson.

no one is as sexy as prince. madonna keeps trying to push the boundaries, but she never etched the word slave on her face. the king of pop pretends to be extravagant but i dont see him handing out free copies of his new cd to all attendees of his concert as a free gift as thanks for forking over $75 for each ticket.

and springsteen hasnt written a good song since the title track of tunnel of love back in 1987.

so prince wins.

and he looks better.

and he didnt ever have to get naked with vanilla ice in a sex book, or jump on the kaballah bandwagon, or turn british.

which is why im going to his show on wednesday and why i will just wait for the inevitable concert movie about this madonna comeback.

plus i bet she lipsyncs.

one thing you should know about me. i try to be fair. i wont bash someone unless i have a solution to the situation.

heres what madonna needs to do if she wants to reinvent herself:

drop all the dancers and stage shit and props and crap and comeback to us as a real american singer.

we love her songs.

we love her.

come back stripped down in classy long dresses (and a few short naughty ones), stand in front of a barebones band and sing your fucking hits.

my favorite records by madonna were during her first reinvention in the 90s.

1992's Erotica started the experimentation into electronica, '94's Bedtime Stories is probably maddys most complete record of her career, and '98's Ray of Light got the critical acclaim that had eluded her for most of her life.

since then she began to lose her way. Although she had some great tunes on 2000's Music, the title track was the last good song she's written in four years.

is she over the hill?

probably.

is she capable of pulling a tina turner-esque private dancer comeback?

probably.

does anyone think that she's going to do it this year?

nope. nope. and nope.

she might also consider doing a tour of covering nothing but '80 hits from her former mtv-mates.

or better yet, do a duet record with the purple one. a double album.

bing + darren + danielle + flagrant

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letters from the readers
Hi, I read your blog...

Ok, I�ve been looking at your blog for months. I�ve looked for your email address before but never found it on your site. Maybe I�ve been blind, but I finally noticed it today. Anyway, I don�t read your posts much, they�re allover the place, long and make no sense. I never know if you�re bullshitting or not and I know nothing about you so it never makes sense wtf you�re talking about. However, I find those pictures you post with your entries really interesting, I demand you caption that shit. Because I always end up reading your useless blog entries trying to find some info on the pictures, but it turns out to be a waste of my brain.

P.S. That girl you always post, thin, red head, always wears long gloves. What�s her name? Tell her she�s beautiful for me. Thanks.

Thanks

Hello Mr. Tony Pierce,
Just noticed that you linked to my blog amongst your many million
other links but I got at least one referall from your page so cool.
Oh, right, in case you don't know who I am and are wondering just why
the hell some random person linked to you and so you randomly linked
to him, I'm Michael. I'm a friend of Allison's (melting_dolls). When
she visited you I happened to be on IM with her at one point and
attempted a moment of humour by gasping that she was in presence of a
celebrity. If none of that rings a bell, then just wait a few years
and everyone will know my name..... or not. Whatever though.

Thanks for the link.

--Michael

you're a stud

Tony,

My boss just came by and asked me if I knew who Tony Pierce was and why
was he linking to our corporate website.

And did I know what the hell a "blog" was?

Apparently our website has been getting traffic from your link via my
flowage.

Sorry, I should have used my private email to avoid the confusion.

I told him that bloggers were people who wrote about what they wanted,
instead of writing what they were told to write (like I do every day).
I told him Tony is the coolest 110 year old blogger on the Internet and
that nothing he wrote was ever true. And that lack of truth must be why
Tony felt an affinity for our high-quality software products and linked to
us.

But more likely, Tony meant to link to something cool, hip or news
worthy and linked to my place of employment by accident. (Just kidding.)

He was, "oh well, any publicity is good publicity" and went back to his
leather-appointed office to nurse his Italian coffee.

Sam

if you'd like to email the busblog, just write to busblog at gmail dot com

matthew + tamarina + casey all had the guts to take the honest-bloggers quiz

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i first met miss spain universe, mar'a jesos ruiz garz-n, in a topless tapas joint in madrid in january 2000.

she didnt know the place was a topless tapas establishment either, but we both took off our shirts and cozied up to the bar.

i was there with two dozen of my closest friends to see rock group tsar.

there being spain, not the topless tapas place.

mar'a asked me if i was americano

i said, si.

she asked me if i liked my tapas

i said, si.

she asked me if i liked her cunt-

then she coughed

country

and i said

si.

she asked me if i knew more spanish than just yes and no and i said

si.

she asked me what other words i knew.

i said, burrito, taco, guacamole...

she said, we dont have those things here.

i said, si.

so we simply slowdanced to the spanish guitars and i sang her a little song that i made up there on the spot.

i sang

spanish girl
in all the world
i want a spanish girl

she doesnt know
how much i weigh in pounds
she doesnt care
that im 108, 108 years oooooold
oooooh my spanish girl.

she sighed and looked at me with eyes of a girl falling madly in love
as the twinkle lights of the disco ball rained possibilities
and the lines began to form outside the duncan donuts shop across the pallazo.

she said, i know how much pounds you weigh.

i said, what about the metric system.

she said, yes, but i know.

i said, ah.

she said, si.

and i smiled.

and i tilted my head to the exito

and she said si.

and we left into the madrid night forgetting our shirts

and not giving a muchas gracias.

dot floofy + bloopy + dougie gyro

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the speakerbox in the corner is dusty strands of faded confetti wave to the breezes of the occilating fan that doesnt occilate as much as you'd think it would.

it hesitates.

it goes to the left and hangs and blows. then it slowly moves to the right and hangs and stays there for a little longer than it should. and then it comes back.

sorta like the the intellect of the voting public, except more rational.

her shoe touched mine. startled, i flinched and i knocked over my water glass against my marguerita glass and some water splashed into the salsa.

techno had replaced tango on the jukebox and in the corner someone was being sung happy birthday.

i cant believe anything that happens to me in LA but thats why you move here.

in a week this will be my anniversary of being here twenty years. time flies when your mind is getting blown and all i can say is the girls only get hotter and the situations only become more bizarre and theres nothing thats going to make me leave here ever.

not even kids.

maybe a great job. but i doubt it. nobody wants me. i dont blame em. im not like what theyre used to.

its funny how money moves you places. its funny how we allow it all to happen to us and pretend like we dont have any choice other than to follow the end of the rainbow.

shes redheaded. i hadnt dined with a redhead in years and now this is two in a row. sometimes its hard to tell if the ones who smile like you or just like to smile.

titties for days and what are you supposed to do about that?

right up there for you to look at and the question is are you supposed to look at them or not look at them.

"we're going to look at your tits for just a minute, ok?" i ask her.

she doesnt stop smiling.

"k."

nice. no apparent marks. i check the outline on her silk blouse for a nipple ring. cant find one. decide not to look too long. look at the fullness for padding or pushup bra-ness. not like i care. not like i give a shit if a chick has a "d" or an "a" cup. but there they are.

hot plates the man says and serves us a wet burrito and a taco salad.

she kicks my foot again and this time i can tell its not an accident and as hes leaving i say, senior.

he says, yes sir.

and i say two more margueritas por favor.

and he says, of course sir, looking for a nipple ring too

without asking permission first.

blogography & roxanne had the guts to take the quiz.

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this was a nothing game. dont sweat it. the lakers didnt want it. la wasnt into it. i wasnt into it. you werent into it. let the wolves get their bone. just dont let them get used to it.

saw Mean Girls with my truest yesterday. good movie. solid. not the Clueless of this generation, nor the Heathers. but it was suprisingly smart, and good, and whatshername is seriously cute. great themes that young women should learn, but wont. like how "pretty" is relative and boring. tina fey is the hottest chick on tv on saturdays and on that screen she really did actually look like a middleaged highschool teacher. proving that when youre smart and funny you actually look more attractive.

or something.

all i know is tickets for the 2:40p show were $11. each.

this is at the mann's chinese 6. not the famous manns chinese, but the theatres that they built next to the hollywood landmark in the hollywood & highland complex that houses the kodak theatre and the ryan seacrest show.

85. c. czerwonka
86. jay l.

my true love didnt know that ryan seacrest tapes his show there. and that got her a kiss on the cheek.

we held hands in the movies. as always. but it was different than ever before. we really are growing apart. shes dating and im dating thats bound to change your perspective on things.

we both have equally unfulfilling jobs. difference is she gets raises and promotions and bonuses and i get shit reviews even though someone showed me my production numbers for this month and im the highest in the company. and still they insult me to my face.

odd thing is, shes way more affected by her situation than i am in mine. she thinks about her gig on the weekend and stresses. i dont. not cuz im a better person, just cuz i guess ive lost that idealistic part of me that whispers
youve GOT to do something amazing in your life or else youve WASTED something.

God is everywhere. God is in everything. even in shit. even in mediocrity. even in the xbi. even in the lonely silence of chopper one ten thousand feet above the 405. and where theres God theres magic plus crazy love.

and you know what He's saying? He's saying come out lazereth. youre not dead. you might be in a casket. you might have your dead man's clothes on, but youre not dead. come out. and lazereth walked out of san antonio with his fist in the air bitches.

dude at work the other day asked me how i handle it there with all the bullshit. hes pretty new but you can see within a few days what youre up against. and i said once youve given up on your dreams theres a suprisingly larger realm of possibility that appears for you. some that might actually eclipse your stupid former goals.

and right when i said that two girls from the third floor came walking by and almost on cue said hi tony at the same time and giggled embarrasingly at their unexpectedly singsongy harmony.

and in the middle of the laughing i heard one of them say jinx.

impeach dubya + the unsomnambulist + chadster + trogers and the iranian truth all took the quiz

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speaking of blogger burnout... america's favorite blogging sisters, the madpony girls, havent updated their blog in over a month!

so much must have happened since Lauren, aka, shewhoneverposts, reviewed the unforgettable Nick and Jessica Variety Hour on 4/13, and the world is dying to find out.

- did kristin decide to move back into the sorority house?

- did lauren accept the offer to go to the junior prom with Pookie, the new kid from South Central, or did she take the easy way out and go with the captain of the wrestling team?

- whats up with Bugsy, and how many ribbons have they won since last time?

- is Kristin's new boyfriend really the former drummer of the Flaming Lips, or is that just a rumor?

- what does Lauren think of Smarty Jones? Does she think he can win the triple crown?

- is dadpony counting the days until both his girls have left the stable and he and mompony can finally enjoy the house to themselves minus phones constantly rining, doors being slammed, and internet connections being used?

- what are the newest trends in footwear?

- what were their insights on the new comedy "Mean Girls"?

- but most pressing: why have the girls completely turned their tanned-backsides on their adoring readers? do they suggest that we all do the same? is it better on the other side? is real life more fulfilling than this virtual shadowdance?

inquiring minds not only want to know, but we need to know.

dare i say, we demand to know.

just as i typed this post, i found laurenpony online.

she was getting ready for work but was able to say a few words for this Exclusive Interview, so rest your fears, shes alive and apparently so is her sister.

dumbme: young ponygirl
lauren: hihi
dumbme: i miss your blog so
dumbme: please promise to write on it when youre done with your schooling
lauren: haha okay that will be next yr
dumbme: no no this spring
lauren: okay perhaps
lauren: its k's turn to write a post
dumbme: speaking of which, tell your sister to call me when she gets off her handsome beau
lauren: ok lol

sean bonner + votexia + jon henke took the honest blogger quiz, you should too!

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Tyler Cowen has an interesting post about "blogging burnout" that the instapundit linked today which i whole-heartedly agree with.

so many people think they're these great writers, or they aspire to be great writers, or they think theyre intellectual, or they think they know something about politics, sex, sport, music, or debate, and when it comes time to rock the mic day after day they fall flat on their face.

some complain that they dont want to "give it away for free" on the web but those people are making excuses for even whores come home and have real sex after they clock out. so f the lying liars who are probably procrastinating pros when they do get paid to steal my ideas.

the interenet and the web and blogging is ideal for the real writer and the real reader. i would argue that the real writer is also a great reader, and theres nothing better to read than the web, so i would partially disagree with mr. cowen when he writes that blogging cuts into his time reading, because i assume he is saying it cuts into his book-reading time, which i would argue is being replaced with web-reading, which is also reading. but what do i know.

heres one reason i will probably never experience blogger burnout.

cuz i know that there are no rules on the web other than dont be dull.

which means you can type things like this:

i am in the best fucking mood right now and its only eight fifty eight am on sunday morning.

7. The "Master Bloggers," whoever you think those may be, are strange in the first place. mr. cowen writes. and i would tend to agree. although i dont get enough hits to consider myself a master blogger, i admit to being strange in the first place. and prolific is just a polite way to say obsessive in the same way reclusive is a nice way to say shut-in, the same way eccentric is just a spin on saying rich 'n' crazy. although no one ever calls james brown, mike tyson, or michael jackson eccentric so maybe it doesnt apply if youre black (or were black).

heres when you will experience "blogger burnout":

1. when your internal dialogue gets hijacked by your concerns about what your readers will think.
2. when you are afraid to write down what you are truly thinking about at that moment.
3. when you believe the lie that some people just arent capable of good writing.
4. when you believe the lie that there is a certain way that you "should" write anything.
5. when you get more involved in punctuation, spelling, or aestetics than saying what you want to say.
6. when you get caught up in traffic, hits, popularity, readers, and/or fame.
7. when you believe the lie that what you think doesnt matter.
8. when you believe the lie that what youre about to say has been said before and/or written down better.
9. when you forget that most ideas can be expressed in less than 15 minutes.
10. when you dont set aside a little bit of time each day to update your blog.

if your blog feels more like a "have to" instead of a "get to" youre writing about the wrong things.

perhaps the only thing going through your mind is the hottie at work who you want to bang, but you fucked up and you told this person about your blog, and therefore you are experiencing writers block because you cant think of anything else to say or think about.

its at this time that you should thank blogger.com for allowing unlimited amounts of free blogs.

i suggest that you set up a new blog called www.iwannabonethisonehottie.blogspot.com and get it off your chest.

and dont be suprised that once you get it all out over there, then you will return to your original blog re-focused and ready to rock, and lo and behold not only are you cured of the lie that is blogger burnout, but just the opposite, now you have two rockin blogs, and the newer one is probably better, cuz its more honest.

dc thorton + blow hard + daily pundit all had the guts to take the honest bloggers quiz... do you?

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