napoleon dynamite
directed by Jared Hess
starring Jon Heder, Jon Gries, Haylie Duff, and Efren Ramirez as Pedro

we were supposed to see Coffee and Cigarettes at the lemelle sunset but they were having this eating contest so we shared a plate of funnelcakes and watched the gorgefest.

apparently we had inadvertantly crossed paths with the LA Film Fest. whatever. just living here is a gdamn film fest.

but a live eating contest, well thats entertainment.

the guy's name was crazylegs and he had rounded up 5 people who were really good at eating certain things fast.

a hot dog eating guy
a guy who could eat a lot of boiled eggs
a spaghetti eating little kid
a guy who can eat a lot of pie
and a guy who could eat a lot of recees peices

crazylegs beat the first guy pretty easilly.
then he kicked the boiled eggs guy in the ass.

but then this little nine year old bobby brady lookin kid used his whole hand like a shovel and didnt mind getting dirty and destroyed the blonde dredlocked bespeckled white dude named crazylegs.

people were shouting and cheering and this was a normal looking kid. a boy who just smiled in astonishment. everyone was staring and cheering and i was waiting for him to double over in pain but no, that amount of pasta hadnt effected the lad in the slightest, except for the slight staining around his mouth due to the sauce, nothing more than what a good paper towel and some mother's spit couldnt remedey.

in the minute he ate probably five plates full of spaghetti and crazylegs, a grown man, who, youre right, did just eat about twenty hot dogs and thirty boiled eggs, but he is after all a professional.

after all that excitement we went up to the ticketbooth and saw that Napolean Dynamite was playing.

The ads made it look stupid but what the hell, we had already recieved some free entertainment, the movie only had to be a little bit good and we could call it even.

Weird thing is, Napolean Dynamite is actually a pretty good film. It's outrageous, over-the-top, and very funny. and somehow, bizarrilly realistic.

Don't miss the opening credits featuring a white stripes song.

three esthers.

tiffany + dc pierson + treacher + i cant wait to vote

# | |

as a whole it was a shit week.

lakers totally folded.
madpony quit.
my favorite drummer from my favorite band hung up his cowboy hat.
my arms and hands felt like crud.
courtney love canceled her tour.
britney spears canceled her tour.
the olsen twins became legal and didnt fly to hollywood to have sex with me.
and miss montreal permanently gave me back my housekey.

and still somehow, even though i promised myself that i wouldnt blog this weekend, to give everything a break, i popped in johnny cash's american iv: the man comes around and the itunes shuffled and began the session with the title track

my true love is flying home from cancun.

she took a vacation with a gaggle of european lesbians.

she called me from there one night and told me about how it had rained so hard that the little cabanas that they rented were flooding and the couple who rented the little fellas invited them into their home and fed them and opened up the house and let them stay there, which they did, and drank all night, and sang songs from many lands, and cooked dishes from everywhere.

she told me that she made the ladies my favorite breakfast treat, grits a la mode.

its not really a la mode, but that sure sounds better than a la bacon&eggs.

the trick is to make the grits a little watery and let the eggs be runny.

that way the grits dont soak up too much of the yolk right away and you have a shot at tasting the delicous endulgence.

i asked her how they found grits down in cancun but the phone kept cracking in and out on account of the stormy weather and i think she said that they actually had a big box of grits right there in the cupboard.

and then the connection started to be really bad

and i said baby i can only hear every other word that youre saying

she could hear me fine

i know because she said slowly with a little laugh


i...



love...


yoooouuuuuu...


tonight we will celebrate her 86th birthday

and maybe thats why im loving this friday night.

when she turned 20 + when she turned 21 + three days before we split

# | |

danielle doesnt like it when i ignore her. she doesnt work at the xbi but she works at the building that we occupy. and even though she says she reads my blog im not sure that she totally understands what i do for a living.

but whenever im around the office for lunchtime i like to eat with her cuz shes funny, shes smart, shes brutally honest, and there has never been a topic that she wont discuss with me.

and she hates wearing underwear.

danielle is half italian half jewish. shes half hippie half yuppie. shes all loud, all fun.

youd be suprised how depressing it can be saving the world. so its nice to have a happy girl to have a half sandwich and soup with on a june gloom friday.

she loves anthropologie and fishing. she likes to hike through the palisades and rich guys with loose wallets. she'll flash you if you dare her so i dont dare her.

i dont have that many friends at the xbi. its sorta an unsaid rule cuz we drop like flies. and you never know who's on the take who you'll have to take for a little drive. and thats why its awesome that danielle doesnt work for us.

unless of course she works for someone who is trying to infiltrate us.

in which case she might get a little tour of the pacific via chopper one.

but i doubt it.

she likes the grateful dead and old school jazz.

she watched the whole last season of the sopranos with me, and now we're gonna watch Deadwood.

she reads all the books i give her and she finds great details to talk about over thai.

she tells me that in two months shes going to be quitting her job at the flower stand downstairs and go to grad school in san diego.

i will miss her a ton.

i hope she keeps up her blog.

katzinjammer + lorie + la voice

# | |

this week in rock in la

tonight 6/18
brian wilson + wilson philips + andy williams + robin gibb, hollywood bowl
dick dale, hollywood park
mary chapin carpenter, the canyon
david cassidy, grove of anaheim
tsol + dickies, museum of american west

saturday 6/19
kiss + poison, verison amphitheatre
lazy cowgirls, thunderbird (last show ever)
leaving trains, spaceland
harvey danger, troubador

sunday 6/20
carlos guitarlos, liquid kitty

monday 6/21
kmfdm, el rey
ozomatli, dragonfly

tuesday 6/22
the roots + 311 , long beach arena
legendary pink dots, troubador
ozomatli, dragonfly

wednesday 6/23
the dead, verizon aphitheatre
john doe, largo
tony bennet, the greek
juliana hatfield, knitting factory
ozomatli, dragonfly

thursday 6/24
dresden dolls, viper room
dickies + agent orange, vault 350
joe henry, largo

friday 6/25
auf der maur, troubador
bang tango, paladinos

two bed two bath + steven adams + lauren clued me on on madpony's demise, thanks lauren

# | |

madpony calls it quits

weeks after madpony started, the busblog was telling you about them. two sweet oklahoman sisters. one in highschool, one in a sorority at ou. but these were different sisters from oklahoma than all the others. they were special.

since then this site has posted profiles of both young women. their absence in the blogosphere will be deeply missed.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

i think it's time to state the inevitable. madpony has come to an end. it's been a very fun (almost) two years sharing my stories with you all, but i feel quite literally like i'm beating a dead horse.

- kristin, madpony.com

dumbass_dumberass: :( :( :(

kristin: hi sweetie

dumbass_dumberass: right before i found out about you, i found out that the drummer of tsar quit on monday

kristin: double sucks
kristin: i'm sorry :-(

dumbass_dumberass: will you give me an exclusive interview

kristin: i guess :-)
kristin: but not tonight

dumbass_dumberass: you dont have 15 minutes for your #2 fan?

kristin: oh sweetie
kristin: i'm just exhausted

dumbass_dumberass: 14 minutes?

kristin: sigh

dumbass_dumberass: should i blame your bf?

kristin: nah

dumbass_dumberass: whats the reason then?

kristin: i'm just tired of it
kristin: interview tomorrow if you want

# | |

how to blog by tony pierce, 110

1. write every day.

2. if you think youre a good writer, write twice a day.

3. dont be afraid to do anything. infact if youre afraid of something, do it. then do it again. and again.

4. cuss like a sailor.

5. dont tell your mom, your work, your friends, the people you want to date, or the people you want to work for about your blog. if they find out and you'd rather they didnt read it, ask them nicely to grant you your privacy.

6. have comments. dont be upset if no one writes in your comments for a long time. eventually they'll write in there. if people start acting mean in your comments, ask them to stop, they probably will.

7. have an email address clearly displayed on your blog. sometimes people want to tell you that you rock in private.

8. dont worry very much about the design of your blog. image is a fakeout.

9. use Blogger. it's easy, it's free; and because they are owned by Google, your blog will get spidered better, you will show up in more search results, and more people will end up at your blog. besides, all the other blogging software & alternatives pretty much suck.

10. use spellcheck unless youre completely totally keeping it real. but even then you might want to use it if you think you wrote something really good.

11. say exactly what you want to say no matter what it looks like on the screen. then say something else. then keep going. and when youre done, re-read it, and edit it and hit publish and forget about it.

12. link like crazy. link anyone who links you, link your favorites, link your friends. dont be a prude. linking is what seperates bloggers from apes. and especially link if you're trying to prove a point and someone else said it first. it lends credibility even if youre full of shit.

13. if you havent written about sex, religion, and politics in a week youre probably playing it too safe, which means you probably fucked up on #5, in which case start a second blog and keep your big mouth shut about it this time.

14. remember: nobody cares which N*Sync member you are, what State you are, which Party of Five kid you are, or which Weezer song you are. the second you put one of those things on your blog you need to delete your blog and try out for the marching band. similarilly, nobody gives a shit what the weather is like in your town, nobody wants you to change their cursor into a butterfly, nobody wants to vote on whether your blog is hot or not, and nobody gives a rat ass what song youre listening to. write something Real for you, about you, every day.

15. dont be afraid if you think something has been said before. it has. and better. big whoop. say it anyway using your own words as honestly as you can. just let it out.

16. get Site Meter and make it available for everyone to see. if you're embarrassed that not a lot of people are clicking over to your page, dont be embarrassed by the number, be embarrassed that you actually give a crap about hits to your gay blog. it really is just a blog. and hits really dont mean anything. you want Site Meter, though, to see who is linking you so you can thank them and so you can link them back. similarilly, use Technorati, but dont obsess. write.

17. people like pictures. use them. save them to your own server. or use Blogger's free service. if you dont know how to do it, learn. also get a Buzznet account. several things will happen once you start blogging, one of them is you will learn new things. thats a good thing.

18. before you hit Save as Draft or Publish Post, select all and copy your masterpiece. you are using a computer and the internet, shit can happen. no need to lose a good post.

19. push the envelope in what youre writing about and how youre saying it. be more and more honest. get to the root of things. start at the root of things and get deeper. dig. think out loud. keep typing. keep going. eventually you'll find a little treasure chest. every time you blog this can happen if you let it.

20. change your style. mimic people. write beautiful lies. dream in public. kiss and tell. finger and tell. cry scream fight sing fuck and dont be afraid to be funny. the easiest thing to do is whine when you write. dont be lazy. audblog at least once a week.

21. write open letters. make lists. call people out on their bullshit. lead by example. invent and reinvent yourself. start by writing about what happened to you today. for example today i told a hot girl how wonderfully hot she is.

22. when in doubt review something. theres not enough reviews on blogs. review a movie you just saw, a tv show, a cd, a kiss you just got, a restaurant, a hike you just took, anything.

23. constantly write about the town that you live in.

24. out yourself. tell your secrets. you can always delete them later.

25. dont use your real name. dont write about your work unless you dont care about getting fired.

26. dont be afraid to come across as an asswipe. own your asswipeness.

27. nobody likes poems. dont put your poems on your blog. not even if theyre incredible. especially if theyre incredible. odds are theyre not incredible. bad poems are funny sometimes though, so fine, put your dumb poems on there. whatever.

28. tell us about your friends.

29. dont apologize about not blogging. nobody cares. just start blogging again.

30. read tons of blogs and leave nice comments.

if you're going to ripoff/mimic/be inspired by one blogger make it raymi, shes perfect.

# | |

exclusive interview with shaquille o'neal

shaq, tough loss.

yep.

wanna talk about it?

what's there to say, any time i raised my hand up in the air, somebody would fall over. instead of golden trophies of basketballs they should be handing out oscars. and the refs should get best supporting actor awards. how many times did kobe drive the lane and they swallowed their whistles? all the time. f the refs.

why do you think it went down that way?

they want parity in the nba. they dont like the fact that the lakers could just sign two great stars like karl and gary and win another ring. they want the east to look stronger than it is. they want some new heroes. they want the kids wearing fake afros and the Bad Boys to make a return to the nba. they want to reward larry brown and punish the answer. they want this to be the wwf, wwe, whatever. they want there to be a badder group of dudes than the baddest. we're the baddest dudes. nobody can take that from us. but they can hand rings to others.

shaq, some say that they called the finals the way that they should have called the last 5 years. they called you for fouls cuz you constantly elbow and manhandle.

if thats the case, then they picked a rotten time to start enforcing the rule. thats like suddenly calling knee high strikes strikes during the world series when you havent called them all year. and what about in minnesota when my boy madsen was dateraping me and still didnt get a foul called on him.

why do you think its like that?

its easy. its psychology. you see a big huge guy. then you see a bigger huger guy. if the bigger guy is standing there getting fouled by a smaller guy it doesnt look like a foul, it looks like the smaller guy is just trying real hard. but indeed it is a foul. its a real foul. if you prick me, dont i bleed?

as a matter of fact, ive never seen you bleed shaq.

well, i do. i bleed inside. where it counts.

thats sad.

im bleeding now.

so whats next for the lakers?

f the lakers. im on vacation. and all im going to do is try to get a new president elected.

pardon me?

i cant stand bush and i didnt even like reagan. do you know that reagan is the reason why saddam had the gas that he used on "his own people"? the kurds?

no i didnt know that.

bro, get thee to a library. rumsfeld was sent by reagan as his special envoy to iraq to do, among other things, ensure the delivery of chemical weapons that saddam used, not just on iranians, like reagan wanted, but on the kurds. and even after he did that reagan and rummy were buddies with him. we enabled saddam to be the bad guy that he is, was, whatever. and now george bush jr is going to be the guy who rids the world of him? talk about a straw man.

uh.

and reagan funded afghanistan during their war with the soviets. and who was the main guy in afghanistan during that time? who got the guns and the money and the training? who became the islamic warrior as they faught the soviets who outnumbered them by 3:1? osama bin hiding. the reasons the republicans know so much about saddam and his gas, and osama, and terrorism and al queda is because reagan started this whole mess and bush is trying to clean it up. the last thing they want is to have the democrats say, "look at this fucking mess those fuckups started with reagan, and we're going to have to fix it all."

what about your free throws? how are you going to approach them in the off-season? will phil return? what about kobe? are you two friends now?

interview over.

mark cuban + vimh + sk smith on laker hatin

# | |

im realizing that im a bad loser. the refs the refs. the fouls. the lack of fouls.

i know in my heart i should be respectful of ben wallaces uncanny knack for the loose ball. going up against a man twice his size and three times his weight.

i know i should feel good for larry brown who had to suffer the ignomy of the handful that ai must have been in philly.

but still i think to myself what would have this series been like if it was the pistons who had to walk on eggshells every time they went up to block a shot or drive the lane.

and i know that kobe proved how much different he is than michael jordan. jordan would have averaged 40 points and figured out a way to make a star out of someone else in the meantime.

but all kobe could do was force everything. all he could do was fumble and brick and remain frustrated by the seamingly perfect motown defence.

i want to give detroit their props but i cant.

those werent the four mvps that i was sold at the begining of this season.

where was the mailman?

where was the pick n roll?

what happened to dumping it into shaq?

and gp from oaktown, seemingly so perfect for this hollywood dreamteam, but never was he right for this team

the glove did not fit.

and since the glove didnt fit, it looks like everyones gonna quit.

phil hinted to it during the postgame, saying that his kids wanna hear him retire.

shaq hinted to it saying that he might leave even though he still has a year left on his contract.

only guy saying he wanted to stay was kobe who needs shaq so badly but simply cant take over a game the way mj did because for shaq to dominate like he can kobe has to give up the rock.

jordan never had that connundrum.

and poor shaq, he cant take over the play in the paint until someone passes the ball to him. no man is an island, but it must have felt that way for the big aristotle down on the low post, so close, yet without the ball, so far.

and i should be happy for the hapless city of detroit.

home of michael moore, kid rock, and eminem.

who for some reason dont want to ever leave.

and out of pity i do feel happy for the city of detroit.

because im a bad loser.

and if i was dr jerry buss i would sign 'n' trade kobe to orlando for tmac and grant hill because i bet you mcgrady could learn to feed the big fella.

and id try to figure out how to get antwan jamison from the mavs

because theres no rebuilding in lakerland.

thats what the clippers are for.

billy fro + kool keith + off wing opinion

# | |

rows of blue prada bags perfectly lined like little tin soldiers on the sidewalk. gucci clutches. bcgb wallets. this dude had everything and i was supposed to be the bad cop but i was feeling so damn good after my physical therapy that all i could muster was, wheres the good stuff?

the doctor earlier said i didnt have carpal tunnel. that i didnt have rsi. i just had a mild case of tendinitis and that everything i was doing was helping it.

i said will i ever play the piano again?

he said does the world need another piano player?

i said will i ever blog again?

he said, looks to me that you havent stopped blogging a bit.

and i blushed and i told him my little secret, which is the interns have been helping me out a bit.

and he said for me to let the interns do their thing for another week and during that week find another line of work where i wouldnt stress my hands so much.

and i said i fly chopper one.

and he said, i know you dont want to hear this tony, but youre not the only bad motherfucker who can fly that stupid helicopter.

and i said, yes but im the best.

and he said, i know that you dont want to hear this tony...

and i said, shut up

and he said, im serious

i said, nobody can fly that bird like i can

and he said, a long time ago i realized that even michael jordan's ass is capable of being kicked from time to time.

and i said, ah ha, but it hasnt. noone has kicked mjs ass yet.

and he said, i know that you dont want to hear this tony, but youre no michael jordan.

at anything.

and i wanted to say something like, thats not what your wife said.

but it was exactly what his wife says

evolvers + the floss angeles lakers + clever hack

# | |

last year on this date the new york yankees picked up aaron boone. a hot chick at work told me she liked it when i posted deals from years ago. so here you are: 6/15/03

in order to mourn this day which basart reminds us is the anniversary of the day that Tribune Corp. bought the Cubs from the Wrigley family for a paltry $20.5 million back in 1981 (back when $20.5 million was a lot of money), this will be my last post of the day.

but not before we get this in:

fuck you, Tribune Corp.

from your whiny announcers, to weak infielders, to your general ignorance of all things baseball i raise my middle fingers to your ivory towers and i wish monkeypox onto your most private of areas.

you took a national landmark, a local treasure, a sports jewel and you have wiped your dirty ass with it.

yes the cubs are good right now due to some timely hitting and a handful of young pitchers - pitchers that cost you a million or two, tops.

yes you got us the best manager in baseball after the frisco giants showed him to the door. leftovers. good leftovers, but leftovers none the less. still, thank you. you coulda fucked that up. but you didn't. a gift landed in your lap and you didn't squash it. nice work.

but you have done very little else for the cubs in the 23 years that you have slumlorded over my favorite team and for that i curse you and the things you hold dear.

i would say more rude things but my mommys on vacation this week and i understand that she might be reading this post especially since she too loves the cubs and wrigley field.

die you motherfuckers, die.

if you want a baseball team to have as a playtoy, go buy the sox. give the Cubs back to the people. the people deserve better.

how can you let a big fat windbag like George Steinbrenner just cherry pick the planet for the latest stars while you sit around counting your gazillions as the Cubs flounder and the little northside kids weep?

why would you want to do that?

alex gonzales and his clutch home runs helped the Cubs start off the season with some great late-inning wins. but in the last month he is barely hitting .214.

want to do something for the city of chicago? trade him for Miguel Tejada. right now. those dumbass A's will go for it, and guess what, the Yankees have an all-star shortstop And an all-star second baseman, so this will get you half way there. dumbasses.

god i hate you.

while youre at it trade Mark Bellhorn, Kyle Farnsworth, and Juan Cruz for Frank Catalanotto and Kelvim Escobar. the blue jays don't know what on earth they're doing and they'll be shocked that the cubs are giving up two fresh arms for one.

but this is our chance. this is our season. its now or never. especially the way you seem intent on burning out the arms of mark prior and kerry wood.

do this and i wont hate you.

as much.

makeoutcity voted for miss montreal + sutter + gekkeanna + sk smith

# | |

sean lennon and elizabeth jagger got to see farenheight 9/11 last night and you know what i did? i got home, i fixed myself a nice little drink, my dog fetched me my slippers and pipe, and when the delivery boy from the local italian place brought over my pasta with white sauce i tipped him enormously and turned on my tivo.

and guess what was on my tivo.

mr roger clemens pitching against mr mark prior. cubs + astros.

im a nerd. pretty big nerd. idiots misunderstand me and theres not much i can do about that. if i had kids id advise them to ignore the idiots whenever possible. but kids dont listen so fuck them too.

the idiots dont understand my nerdiness and if they did maybe theyd see my true self. some would think that i need a half dozen barely legal college girls to be happy, full email boxes of praise, and fat lines of cocaine on the bare bottoms of vacationing nba cheerleaders to feel right. but its so not true.

a little bacardi, a crispy slice of garlic bread, and thou.

thou being my cubbies of course.

i fucked up last year in october when the cubs were making their run for the world series and im still paying for it at the xbi but whatever. if thats all theyve got on me then im better than they give me credit for.

all i know is before id finished my first tumbler of rum n coke the cubbies were up by four at minute maide park, formerly enron field. and this is against the rocket, who at 41 years old had started this campaign 9-0. and again i state to the court that age is bullshit.

mark prior was shutting the astros out and it had nothing to do with the fact that he is 23. it had to do with the fact that he was getting healthy again. and his fastball moved and his curve was breaking, and his spots were perfect and his control was pinpoint and because some things were meant to be, like pb and j like shaq and kobe, like you n me.

prior was on fire and so was the scrappy todd walker who nobody wanted. who nobody picked to bat over 300 for the northsiders, but there he was in the top of the ninth a double away from the cycle and he pulled it left handed down the right field line and it was hooking hooking foul. damn. i guess he will hover at .280, but whats this, on the next pitch he sent it sailing over the right field wall for his second homer of the game. todd walker, lead off man.

and so the cubs have won their third game in a row.

and handed the rocket his first loss, a little forshadowing of what will happen in rocktober.

and my phone rang but i didnt answer it. and the computer hummed but i ignored it. and then the door knocked and it wasnt really a knock it was a tap so i went to it and saw it was clipper girls cousin and she said hi and i said hi and she asked if there was anything she could do for me on account of my hands and i said you could hold my hand.

so she did.

we watched a little tv and she asked if she could type for me and i said, its cool i can type and she said no no let me. so we went over to the computer and she sat on my lap and she wrote the little thing about linda and it was real sweet. and she made us some malts with the ice cream in my fridge and when i passed out in my lay-z-boy she closed the french doors, turned down the nirvana live dvd, kissed my forehead and excused herself to the guest room.

and in the morning i saw a lipstick kiss on my head and i figured it all out.

with a little help from the ceiling cam.

and tonight the lakers will remind the pistons who's zooming whom.

the deputy + vortexia + katie

# | |

linda was a teenage runaway. long hair. bare feet. short nails. hot eyes. brown skin. smooth cheeks. wild mind. hard tounge. somehow bigger than life. somehow from another place entirely. somehow found the best people to migrate with. somehow made everyone better who she mixed in with. if msg had titties. nice full non allergic ones.

on a campus surrounded by beach there were hot chicks everywhere. she was the type of girl who was so sexy that she made you repeatedly reevaluate your girlfriend.

youd think things like my girlfriend doesnt climb trees. or walk around in a dayglow strapless bikini top and cut offs. my girlfriend cant roll a joint one handed while telling you about the dead show she was at last weekend. my girlfriend doesnt have lips like those or eyes like those or stories like hers or energy like her or pixie dust falling from her everythings.

and lots of the boys would say the wrong things to her and she would just exhale and run off or hop on an awaiting scooter.

magic powers of seductiveness that was equalparts innocent and guilty witchcraft and so natural.

she once made a man jump out of a two story building wearing a dress breaking both of his legs.

no one knows what she did or what she said to the young man to make him do such a thing

but theres no doubt

shes to blame.

she might even agree that shes to blame.

well somehow she ended up in the navy.

and the navy tamed her.

some folks say she was ready to be tamed and the navy was the luckier of the two because she could have sunk the whole damn fleet if she wanted, but she not only obeyed, she excelled.

one night she visited me in my san francisco bachelor pad, at the time she was stationed at treasure island, not far away.

in the middle of the night i noticed she wasnt next to me and i heard scrubbing and i went into the bathroom and she explained how she hadnt cleaned a head in over a day and it was weird for her.

so i let her clean the head.

real good.

so it wouldnt be weird for her.

and now shes a prison guard working death row.

where all the inmates love her.

and just last week she was on her vacation and she came through town and we ate at fred 62, the hip little coffee shop on vermont, and we drove around hollywood and beverly hills and sunset plaza drive, and everyone has a few people in their lives who will always love you and in their eyes you can do no wrong.

and thats

how i feel about linda.

lesbian + bukkake + berkley

# | |

hi blog

hi tony, shouldnt you be resting your hands.

work has been slow last week, and today wasnt slow but it wasnt insane, so i figure i got 15 minutes i can write you with.

sweet, thanks.

what do you think about what that dude from ucla said?

i think you should get a second opinion and see if you could be doing permenant damage to your hands.

i know.

will you?

probaly not.

you suck.

i do.

dont you want to be a famous writer when you grow up?

i am a famous writer.

no, like really famous. like so famous that people will say, "holy shit, you want to put your new story in our magazine? yes! please do! and heres a basket of money!" ?

you make it sound so much different than how i imagine it.

well thats what its like. your hands, however, have to work properly.

i just want to tell good stories.

oh, well, in that case youre fucked. noone has any good stories to tell.

i do i do!

tell me a good story then.

one upon a time i met a girl named anna kournikova. anna at the time had never made love with an american. or a black man. so we considered her a virgin. the way she pronounced it was were-gin. it was cute. eventually we were doing it all the time and it was great.

(snoring)

then one day she said, you know what, blogger, i think i do want you as my boyfriend. but i said, nah, you need someone better than me. someone cooler. richer. who has his own car, and a good job. i could get killed flying for the xbi and then where you'd be.

tony, no offense but im sleepwalking. get to the point.

and then we both got carpal and had to retire, the end.

thats a terrible story, tony.

i know bloggy, but my bus is about to come.

ok, cool, write a better one tomorrow, k?

k.

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Tony, I love your blog.

It's one of the best reads out there. But man, if I were you I'd drop the keyboard and never touch it again. RSIs like carpal tunnel are NOT something you can gut out and work through. The more you do it, the worse it gets.

I know. Here's my story.

In Jan '97 I remember feeling new wrist pain out of nowhere. I took it pretty easy after that. But it was dot-com times so I got a sweet job programming in May. By September I had to quit. Diagnosis: tendonitis of the wrist.

Here's a list of things I tried: stretching, good posture, exercises, breaks, massages, Rolfing (more massages), drinking lots of water, Kinesis ergonomic keyboard (awesome keyboard, but way too late to make a difference), fingerless gloves to keep my hands warm, anti-inflammatory meds, soaking my arms in warm water to bring down the inflammation, creative visualization.

I did all of that shit way too late, it would have made a difference BEFORE the pain, but by the time the pain shows up, it's too late.

So I headed back to school, cut way back on the typing. But it just got worse. After 3 months in school I couldn't even write with a pen without pain. It took me a year of doing nothing before I recovered enough to be able to write and read. My wrists still hurt today, but I can function, I can type a lot. But I'll never be able to work a full-time coding gig again, which sucks, cuz damn could I use the money.

If I could go back in time, I'd go back to Jan 1997, slap myself in the head and force myself at gunpoint to never touch a keyboard. Take a year vacation from keyboards, let all that cumulative damage repair itself. Cuz I ended up taking that year off later, only I was stuck with permanent damage to boot. And jokes from my friends about whacking
off too much.

I'd hate to not be able to read your blog, but dude, I'd hate even worse not to see you wrecked the same way my wrists were.

And I know other coders with the same story. There's so much other shit in life to do, and permanent damage is seriously on the line.

But you'll probably be as stubborn as I was -- I regret how stubborn I was, how long I stuck in there, making things get worse and worse.

So if you have to keep going, at least check out voice recognition software like DragonDictate and NaturallySpeaking -- this software wasn't very good when I was coding, but it's come a long way, I tried it 3 years ago and it was decent. And it would work a lot better for a blogger than for a coder.

The other thing is, don't let them operate on you. From what I read on the internet, and from friends' stories: that shit never helps for long. At BEST it'll bring the symptoms down for a while before you relapse again.

- Jon from UCLA

doc searls + my perfect wife moxie + sksmith

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since tony is resting his hands, here is a busblog flashback from 6/14/2002, the day that the Lakers had their last victory parade

today is flag day happy flag day, flag.

it's okay in my book to celebrate such a day especially when our nation's flag is the coolest of all and our state flag is pretty awesome as well.

somehow this week i forgot to tell you about our pal Ben getting a column published in FoxNews.com, which makes me think that FoxNews should just hire me to pick the columnists that will make their pages mightier.

one thing i learned in my teens selling stereos and tvs on commision is you want people to buy more than just one item. same should go with having people click on more than one link on your news site.

so if youre going to present to the world Ben Sullivan, you really should run a column from his sister Kate.

if youre going to run Layne, run Welch too.

or if you're going to give the world Welch, let them discover his talented wife Emmanuelle as well.

post a point-counterpoint from two law professors, like Reynolds and Volokh.

on the old days at Wrigley they used to have Ladies Day on Wednesday, i wouldnt mind seeing Rabbit, Sara, Virginia, Seipp, Amy, Solent, and Dawn take over a column for a week.

ok, now i have to go back to my tv to watch the parade.

i hope Shaq freestyles again.

eric richardson + franklin ave. + travis smith

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in the three years since ive written the busblog never have i warned you that i wouldnt be writing.

even if i went on vacation there would be blog entries. even if i was sick. even if there was a rolling blackout. even if i was experiencing carpal tunnel.

im not warning you so that you can fill my comments with tips or well wishes or sympathy or pity, but just so that you would know that the blogging will be light for a little while.

if it were me, there would be no change in production. but its my supervisors at the xbi. the higher ups. after years of disparaging my good name, suddenly theyre terribly interested in my good health.

as a boy growing up in the suburbs of chicago, once i saw walter payton playing space invaders at the driving range next to my house. i asked the shopkeep if he could give me a pen and a peice of paper so i could get walter's autograph and he said no. so i swiped a business card and ran through the christmas tree farm and to my house on the other side. i got a pen and ran back. as i arrived i saw sweetness being driven away in a jeep.

i ran with my hand up after the grand cherokee and i hoped he could see me through the dust that he was kicking up and soon i saw brakelights and i ran to the passenger side and there he was good old number thirty four. white sweat band, short fro, top gun pilot sunglasses on reflecting my image in each lens.

he signed the business card and told me to stay in school.

and since then no athlete has replaced him as my favorite player of all time.

if walter had a blog, he'd write through anything.

he'd keep his head down and blast through motherfuckers, he'd shimmy thisaway and end up thataway.

people say i idolize bukowski, i do, but i try to emulate payton.

power grace style soul

and a suprise in every box.

my old pal linda showed up this weekend lookin hot and spent the night last night and you'd think being a prison guard on death row in utah you'd meet some fine men but apparently if youre not mormon the pickins are slim.

so lets hope the lady has luck in vegas tonight.

pardon me, miss montreal has arrvied to help me with my finger excercises.

beth + ben + wKen show

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