SEPTEMBER
5
OBITUARY
Angriest, Drunk Dwarf Dies
Former
People's Most Beautiful Person,
Hank, 39, Lived a Short, Sloppy Life
"Go have sex with your mudda."
They dressed him in a Superman's costume, as an elf, in a pink bunny suit, they even put him in a little box placed on a busy New York sidewalk where he screamed "help" to unsuspecting pedestrians.
But nothing was as funny as when Hank, the famous angry, drunken dwarf would belligerently spew insults at the faceless callers of the nationally syndicated Howard Stern radio program.
"Aw shuddup ya dumb a-hole."
At 4'1",
thick glasses and permanent bedhead, Hank was the total package when it
came to pure comedy, but add that mouth and you've got real genius.
From within Hank's mouth, home of yellowed, chipped teeth, belched some of the foulest insults ever slurred.
His rich Bostonian accent will be sorely missed from the airwaves.
The image of him falling asleep on Stern's studio couch still clutching his 16 oz. plastic Sprite bottle half full with vodka -- and then finally falling altogether, is just irresistible television.
But, not until a few months ago did America learn the depths of Hank's real genius: Classic Rock Trivia.
In a rapid-fire quiz session against Stern's producer Gary Del Abate, Hank answered questions from "name the drummer of Aerosmith," to much more difficult ones that I can't remember now because I'm really sleepy.
But Hank got nearly all of them right.
Which sorta was awesome, but was also sorta creepy as hell.
Aw, Hank. You go have sex with your mother, too.
Hank
(1962-2001)
