the rebirth of Sonny I. LaVista

apparently it's not that easy to just quit the fbi.

im not one to give great big speeches or to write up big long essays telling people that they sucked or that this guy was a cock to me or that other guy was a liar. i really don't like to involve myself with drama.

i understand that some people have that need. but i try to avoid it at all costs.

i think it has something to do with my nervous condition that makes me puke everytime i get pissed off. because of it i try to be really nice to people and see their good sides. otherwise theres a big mess. it's sorta like the clockwork orange except nobody *did* it to me. i was just born with a fucked up stomach.

thank God there are some new medications that you smoke, believe it or not, that helps ease this condition and allows me to eat more. the bad news is it was discovered in a hair sample during my exit interview.

"agent LaVista, we found illegal substances in your blood and in your hair. care to explain?"

not really.

"i am afraid you will have to."

as you see from my record, i was undercover for the last four years and part of that included ingesting the substances that you discovered.

"we found a large amount of this substance in your sample. more than even a regular user would have."

i like to immerse myself in my work. it helps me forget about how worthless i feel about myself.

"pardon me if i disagree with your thesis, your chart shows an amazingly high confidence level. and my experience of you also leads me to believe the contrary."

i'm a very good faker. the chart should say that somewhere too.

"we could withhold all of your benefits as well as your severance if these allegations are true."

the love of money is the root of all evil. keep the money if you think it's yours. i think it's mine.

"agent, we could put you in jail."

ma'am i was one of your finest agents. i put more bad people in jail than many of the men and women who ended up to be special agents. i never complained about being transferred or reassigned. i never even complained when i had to put some of my closest friends in jail.

"... the ones who escaped?"

yes, those friends.

"do you think you could escape prison?"

no, i think i would probably be raped, beaten and killed in prison.

"and that doesn't frighten you?"

the only thing that has ever frightened me is the idea that one day i won't make it to heaven.

"don't you think your god would be upset that you did not fully disclose in your weekly reports the substances your were ingesting."

my God made those substances.

"but you lied on your reports."

one reason i am stepping away from the agency is because i have never been lied to so much in my life than here. in our last interview i believe you lied to me a good ten or twelve times. i always believed that adults, and especially older adults, didn't have to lie when they were under pressure. i thought only children and stupid people did that. i would prefer to spend my working hours around smart people and confident people and people who could figure out ways to answer tough questions without being completely false.

"so you admit to falsifying your reports."

if you call withholding information falsifying then yes. i did not reveal a lot that i could have in the reports. for example, i could have ratted-out a lot of internal people for doing illegal, immoral, and just plain old sloppy things. i just wanted to do the job that i was assigned to do. it is my belief that unless i was in Internal, it was my duty to bust the bad guys outside of these walls. so i will admit to withholding information. i also think your assistant is hot. ive withheld that for a while too.

"is there anything else you would like to put on the record?"

not really.

"it has been rumored that you will soon inherit a large amount of money and that is why you have always been so blasé about financial reparation to punish your behavior."

it's been rumored that you are a dyke. rumors have never interested me. especially ones of a personal nature intended to hurt people's feelings.

"agent, is the rumor true?"

no i do not have anything socked away anywhere. i dont have a rich uncle. i will not be getting a large sum of money any time soon or any time not-so-soon. i have never been as fascinated with money the way that most people have been. i believe in the new testament where it says behold the lillies of the fields ... and it talks about how God takes care of them and they shall not want. and then it asks how much more important do you think we are to God than lillies. i have never missed a meal. i have always been able to have pretty much anything that i have wanted. i have even been able to get laid fairly regularly. the only things left is the corvette and the malibu beach house.

"that sounds like Barbie."

the first time i ever got an erection was when i was playing with my sisters Barbies and i put Ken on top of Barbie...

"yes you have disclosed that once before. let's move on."

is your rumor true?

"this interview isn't about me. let's continue. and please, let's not be rude."

i didn't mean to come across as rude. i was just trying to bond here.

"what would you like to do once you leave the agency."

i would like to learn how to kiss better.

"agent..."

i couldnt be more serious.

"what sort of profession would you like to pursue?"

oh, i would like to be a taxi driver.

"were you aware that that is one of the professions that you are not permitted to become employed in as it would be difficult for us to find you in cases of an emergency?"

i am aware of that.

"well?"

well i'll give you my cell phone number. and if you need a cab one day i hope you use it.

"you don't understand. you cannot be a cab driver."

then i'd like to be a reviewer of adult films and X-rated videos.

"that is something that you have freelanced at over the years, true?"

i never saw so much porn until my first assignment here. i am still fascinated by them and i enjoy telling interested adults which ones are the really bad ones and which ones are the really good ones.

"i have a personal belief that you are a loose cannon and you will probably be better served in the dirty underbelly of pornography."

i appreciate you sharing your opinion, but i don't consider two attractive adults getting off on each other dirty.

"what do you consider it?"

erotic.

"mr. sonny i. lavista, several senior members of my department consider you a drug-taking sex fiend with no regard to your own well-being, no regard for authority or for the responsibilities needed to be a contributing professional in this society."

tell them that they should say that to my face next time.

"they just may."

i think you want me.

"i think you're a pig."

this is my last day. aren't you supposed to be nice to me? i didn't even ask for this meeting, you did. did you invite me here so you could have one last chance to insult me?

"i am capable of doing much more than insult you. i find it an insult if you may be allowed to walk out of here a free man who will be allowed to put this fine agency on his resume."

let me be a taxi driver and i will tell them that i worked at mcdonalds these last few years. somehow i don't think they'd care.

"i am going to recommend that you be brought up on charges of falsifying reports and that your entire career here be audited."

i am going to ask you not to do that.

"why shouldn't I?"

well, other than for a few of the oldschool marines. i was pretty well-liked here and it wasn't because i went out carousing or hob-knobbed or anything like that. it was because i was good at my job and i was honest with everyone.

"you lied on your reports..."

do you like pussy?

"that is none of your business."

neither are the things that i left off of my report. they could throw you out of here for your sexual preference and i don't believe that that is right. and i wouldnt want you thrown out of here for that because i dont think that kissing girls or getting baked hurts people. i think judging people for what they do in private, off hours, hurts people. i think that if the Good Lord blessed us with above-average brains we should use them to reason. there are some things that we should do by-the-book but there is a lot of gray area that we should rely on wisdom to maneuver within.

"are you ready for your polygraph?"

not really.

"you have ten minutes to prepare. agent jones will be in shortly."

may i have a hug?

"no you may not."