maria called me up the other day. she doesnt play around with email and she totally hates it when i screen my calls. a totally smart girl, but she insists that i have an answering machine hidden somewhere and i havent had an answering machine since i was in college so all of her messages are tony Tony i know you're there you fuck pick up the fucking phone. i can hear you. I HEAR YOU! click. i caller back and she said that her friend told her that she was on my page and didnt i remember the little agreement that we had about no pictures of her on here. a few years back around Christmas i put one up with her dressed up as a santas helper. her grandmother really is into Christmas and saw it somehow and got really pissed off and started saying that i wasnt a good catholic for taking pictures of her grandaughter like that. i was all God made us naked, grandma. say shit like that enough and you will either get slapped or thrown out of houses. ive been thrown out of a few. but it is Christmas so let's examine. first it's not Xmas, what the hell is that? next, with all due respect to my non-Christian friends, who i do truly respect, how did Christmas become a dirty word? no one says it in California. everything is happy holidays, seasons greetings. There's this dude who i work with who is a Wiccan. i totally asked him about Yule and if this country was worth a damn any more we'd have Wiccans and Mormons, Devilworshippers and Jews on tv during these days telling everyone about their special holiday and when you passed someone you'd say, Happy Chanukah and they'd tell you Merry Christmas Tell me that's not a happy holiday. Maybe it's just California. People don't even put lights on their precious houses. They've got a guy to do the lawn, a pool guy, a housekeeper, a bookkeeper, a mechanic, if they're lucky: a girlfriend ... but shell out $50 so a kid would string up some damn Christmas lights? never! this town has no holiday spirit and you know why? cuz every day is a holiday here. everyday people are blessed with good weather, fun toys, half naked ladies, too much food, good music and booze. people aren't really fucked up puking everyday but there is an overall buzz maintaining itself. but let's get back to Jesus for a second and the fact that it's his birthday. how can anyone resist the story of a virgin birth where not only is
the couple too poor to get a room to deliver the messiah, but as soon as he is born he has to run from the law the press and the
hitmen. Little Baby Jesus has to book to Africa, pronto because a King wants to kill him! Bam! That's like day two of this
guy's life and my brilliant friends and sexy girlfriends refuse to read this story - which only gets crazier! fucking-A, man.
maria's grandmother has her rosary beads twisted around her now cold fingers and when she was alive closed her
mind to the idea that maria had a sweet ass that was not a sin to check out and admire. thats sin tony thats
lust. and id say i dont lust when i see venus de milo or michaelangelos david and both of them no offense
have better asses than our fine maria. beauty does not mean lust. beauty simply means beauty. doesn't
it? and shed pull her jaw off the floor and ask me out of the door way before i could even offer up the
idea that the good Lord made our bodies and made them in some cases to be pretty nice, whatever. it
looks like this year will mean that instead of little baby Jesus's (my personal escapee superhero) we
are going to see Grinch's in santa suits since somehow that is politically correct here in Hollywood
since now the Grinch is actually the latest celebrity so why the hell not.but it's ok. no really.
maria asked me to write a little something about Christmas on my web page and told me that
she missed me and i said that i missed her too and i really dont appreciate the fact that there
are some girls who i can talk on the phone with for about twenty-five seconds and their voices
bring back such vivid memories and whammo we are straight back in time and all the
growing up that i have done is pointless because now
i'm back in their clutches completely defenseless
to their every whim and if they say do this
i have no will and if they say dont do that
im all ok. which is why i like to
keep the conversations
down to about twenty one
seconds or so especially
with maria, who i wish the
best to, tonight.