LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22) Week of March 8, 2001 The first ten weeks of 2001 have been brought to you by The Anarchists' Coloring Book, for generous troublemakers who hate to color inside the lines. This next week is brought to you by The Equalizers -- smooth, beautiful stones meant to be thrown at heaven. They're recommended for all your tussles with higher powers, whether you're wrestling with fallen angels or awakening from a dream of God pulling down your pants in public. This week is also brought to you by the Do-It-Yourself Fortune-Telling Kit, which helps you concoct your very own Free Will Astrology oracles. Why depend on any "expert" at all, even a benign one like myself, when you can be your own guru? - Rob Brezney

"There are some things in my life that I have no control over," my friend Pedro (not pictured) posed during the birthday celebration of my friend Ben (not pictured). He said this to me knowing that I believe that we have absolute control over everything in our lives, and he knew that I was having a great time at this party, and he knew that I had drunk three beers on a fairly empty stomach. Still, he went on, "for example, I fucking LOVE Rob Brezney in the Weekly. That guy is so funny and eerilly accurate." Pedro knows that I deplore astrology, but he continued. "Also, I must write in the mornings. I've gotta take my constitutional, read the entire paper, have my coffee and muffin and then I must write. And I must write until I'm done writing and if I don't do this I will feel very bad for the rest of the day. But you must understand, you're a writer."

I said, Pedro. My friends are writers. I'm a hack. This is a hobby for me. I dont do this to try to get paid or laid or have people think that I'm something special. If I don't write, big whoop. But I agree with you on the constitutional thing. Sometimes if I have an idea in my head it is important for me to get it out, but most of the times I am just writing to see what the ending will be like. He said, I don't understand. I said. Haven't you ever just gone for it one day and written pages and pages and the characters say shit that you never thought theyd say and the keyboard just feels real good in your lap and there are no spelling mistakes and the story just writes itself? he nodded. I said well in the end of those stories theres always, at least for me, these great suprise endings. I'm not saying that this happens a lot of times, but I know that to me that is the nice little prize inside the little box of happiness, like when you come home from a nice long run and theres a message for you from someone other than the hotties who are now starting to call cuz the word is out. Pedro said, you are proving my point. He said, while you are in these "zones" you are not in control. Something else is guiding you this way or that way and I interrupted and said, aha, my friend. Aha! I look at it the other way around. I think that when you are in said zones, you are the one who is nudging the story this way or that and you are using the force to fill in the details and the blanks and the mundane building blocks necessary to establish the foundation and hold up the walls and the super super magical part is when you become one with the process and your ideas are ideas married to the project, not to you. Pedro was very confused at this point. I said, its like driving your porsche down to San Diego on a Saturday afternoon alone with a broken radio. you have nothing but yourself and the car's engine and the wind to listen to. after a while you space out and the car is basically driving itself and you could basically drive that thing with your index finger. Pedro said, so when does the magic happen? The magic, my friend, happens when you realize youve been driving 110 MPH for 75 miles and youre a minority in a european driving machine and no cop has stopped you and youve written a song and youve organized your thoughts - all while really doing nothing.Pedro said, so where is the magical end of this story, are two hot chicks going to approach us or something. I said, nope. He said are you going to say something insightful and deep. I said nope. He said are the walls going to fall down and fantastical who-ha is going to take place. I said, no way man. What we're going to do is go see our friends Champion rock Spaceland. and doug miller will be there and paulo and tsar and lots of hotties who arent here at this bash. and pedro said and then what? and i said, well if you believe that you are in control of your life and not a vicitim to your beliefs: whatever you want. he said, yeah, you're right. you're not much of a writer. i said, see.