i said, gwen? she said, tony. i said sorry the ice rink is closed.
she said thats cool, i didnt want to skate anyway. wanna watch tv
and i could play with your hair? she said, eeek! i said, ok i'll think
of something else she said, eeek means ohmygod yes! so we were
watching saturday night live and her hair is much coarser
than you'd think and for the exception of some beautiful
experiences on ecstasy, i really dont know how to play
with hair in a way that would drive a girl mad, but since nothing
in this is true, whatever i did was really good
and when i noticed that she hadnt stopped smiling since i touched
her hair, i figured id say something dumb like, here it comes, and
i kissed her neck. and somehow her smile got even bigger.

now some people practice piano playing or they work out all
day and some people play chess outside the donut store
on sunset with their foul-mouthed friends - who cheat! - but
if theres one thing i will tell my kids to work on it is the makeout
session. And if there is something that i secretly wanted to happen
if what was going to happen was going to happen, it would be that
not only would the makeout session exist, but it would be good.
no lie. i mean seriously, who doesnt like to mack with someone
new and get all tingly inside and come up for air, but better,
have her not want you to come up for air? isnt that why we pay
these exorbitant rents here in hollywood? isnt that what
dreams are made of? isnt that why you see me in
all these fancy clothes? isnt that why we all
learned how to html?

and since this is all locker room bs, this is my lie to
you. not only did she kiss good, but she kissed hard
and passionate and didnt want to stop, even when it
was time to drive her back to her daddy's house.
And since this is a dream, this is how i dream,
when i walked her to the hotel room door
and i knew that id never have her in a private
place again for a while, i got close, nuzzled
up on that neck and dragged very slowly
right up to the ear and whispered some
thing perfect and noticed how she
didnt move back, didnt go for
the door handle, didnt open
her eyes didnt shut down
that smile.

you know i care very deeply for you, so let
me give you some tips for how to prepare
your hotel room just incase you might be
entertaining guests. OK if you have a room
in vegas, know that they dont want you in
there, they want you in the casino. person-
ally, i hope you get lucky in both places.
but if you want to make your guests
happy, pack a tiny little bathroom-sized
trashliner with your unmentionables. take
the little trashcan in your room,
wash it out with soapy hot water and put your trash liner in there. then go to the ice machine and fill that puppy up!




you'll probably get about about 4
times the amount of ice than you'd
normally get out of that big gulp they
call an "ice chest". the ice can will
come in handy if your girl has a thing
for diet coke and if youre really a good
boy scout you'll get a twelve pack of that
sugar water and have it chilling in the can
for when you want to really make her happy.
throw a hand towel over the top, ice it off and
it will stay cold for 12-18 hours depending on how hot the room gets. heres another tip: it doesnt work if you're with a hippiegirl but here goes anyway: most rooms have two styrofoam cups for the little coffee maker in your room: bring at least two little candles with you, put them in the two cups, peel the styrofoam around the candle so it's even with the top of the candle. even if you are a smelly unemployed carless wonder, your candles will provide better light for you than the glow of "Your Big Break" coming from the boob tube - and you might have something good to write on your web page when youre done.



bring lotion, matches, and cool pajamas, but dont bring condoms. nothing ruins a makeout session quicker than sex. And we all know that none of you mousekateers are having sex without jimmies so - also bring a good book because if you happen to visit this dream girl on mother's day weekend and you show up on Saturday night, you're going to have to spend sunday reading kurt vonnegut's sirens of titan. or if your luck is exceedingly good there will be two playoff games for your ass the first starring vince carter vs. allen iverson and the other featuring your la lakers. And when she calls at eleven pm it might be a good idea to have a nine volt battery for when you take her home at 4am you can get her sweet ass through the remote controlled security gates of her father's mansion. cuz you really dont want to be waking the las vegas italian construction contractor at that hour. eeek!