people send me stuff all the time. mostly its things that they see on the web but sometimes its pictures of their girlfriends or it's the girls themselves and everyone seems to want to know my opinion. i have no opinion! im happy everyone is out there getting naked and im happy that people feel comfortable getting their picture taken. me, id rather not be naked or get my picture taken during that moment. i'm home and i have lots of clothes on right now. i even have a robe on over my pj's and if you took a picture of me today you'd see a wreck of a young man with stubble and kleenex particles on his beard. these two girls send me pictures all the time. you'd think that theyd have famous boyfriends or agents or even girlfriends who they could share these with but i think they like sending them to me because im honest with them and i dont want nothing from them. "tony, we did like you said, we're naked but you can't see anything. we're laying on each other, but not in a dirty way. we're touching each other but in a nice way. is this good?" girls, of course it's good. for the longest time they were writing me about breast size and i was all if a guy cares then he's a moron and they were all but your girlfriend has big ones and i was all my girlfriend jumped me and hasn't let me get up in five years! it has nothing to do with her sweet body. im in love with her inner beauty. they were all yeah right. but i do like this picture. it doesnt look comfortable but it'll do. they wrote back asking, what about our hair we know you like long hair. ladies. come on now. i am from hanover park, Illinois. look for it on a map, it probably wont be there. a few years ago they had this big plan on making a freeway that went from the city of elgin to the o'hare airport. they didn't start the freeway at either elgin or o'hare but i'll tell you where they stopped building the freeway: hanover park. even construction workers give up when they come to my old town. your hair looks fine. melinda should let her bangs grow out cuz she looks like a boy and i know those are extensions and not long hair but who cares youre hot skinny white girls in america, who cares what i think. still they write back. i swear those aren't extensions! what makes me look like a boy? i even have an ankle bracelet, boys dont wear those. babes, shhhh. take it easy. boys do so wear ankle bracelets especially the la ones who wear shoes and no socks, hell i wore one almost half of the time i was in college but it was different. it was a friendship bracelet. i dont know what makes you look like a boy here but you do in your face. maybe its the lighting maybe its cuz we cant see your hips maybe its cuz you dont really have any hips. eat a meal or two. i do like your ankle bracelet you girls look great here. dont listen to what anyone says. just be yourselves have fun and do the things you wanna do. if you wanna be a tree hugger and lay on each other and take pictures then please do. i do appreciate the pictures. thank God for the web so that we can see all this, but you really shouldn't worry what a guy from hanover park thinks because beauty is about the insides. and sexiness is about the dirty thoughts that you can see. alison certainly has that down and you can tell it's for reals. still they write back. but i dont even read them any more. tomorrow is the twentieth anniversary of the day that the cubs traded their
star reliever mr. bruce sutter. the year before he won the cy young award. it's also the twentieth anniversary of the day john
lennon was shot and i remember going to the hanover park walgreens that day. what had happened was i heard
about them trading bruce and i was about to cry but i didnt want my sister to see so i walked
and i didnt know where i was gonna walk to so i figured id walk to the drug store and get
some candy. and when i got there i saw this woman crying too and i thought
wow everyone is bummed
that bruce is gone. and then
i went home in hopes that
wgn would have a nice
retrospective about his
brilliant career as a cub
but all everyone wanted
to talk about was the
dead beatle who'd
been shot
in front

his central park apartment.
and then i realized that the woman at the drugstore wasn't crying about a baseball pitcher who had been traded at all! and thats when i first applied to work at the fbi.