what do you do when youve been handed everything and it's still not enough? when you have worked for some things and you get those too and youre still unsatisfied. when you collect things and are handed things and all around you there are things stuff and etceteras and no amount of booze or drugs or aplomb or hits or kisses or vermouth soaked mashed potatoes can please you. when the teen girls say theres nothing i can do to please you and you think yes you can ESP me but that doesnt work. how could it?

i have started to figure out why pam anderson keeps getting her titties worked on, why prince charles wanted camila bowles instead of princess di. why michael jordan keeps quitting hoops. why the world keeps spinning even though its just going in circles. why they wont show a blowjob on tv even though it would get huge ratings and probably all save us from this terrible mess.


its not always good to know these things which is why the good Lord has a cherub defending the tree of knowledge and why he changed the name to the tree of life to fake us out and why there are fiery swords protecting it, spinning like in a nintendo game and everytime you try to hop your lil mario head to boink the coins off it, you just tumble to a whan-whan-whan death. good thing we have two more lives left but too bad this game is so new that that there are no cheater codes or hacks or little kids with websites with all the secrets. you are the first down this path. no you arent. look at all the skeletons. youve reached the end of the internet. time to go back now. turn off the computer. step outside. do your laundry, slacker. quit listening to so much U2.

in nature there arent many mirrors. you can see reflections in the still waters, but for the most part the good Lord knows that if we see ourselves too often or too clearly we wont like what we see so he makes a toad jump into the lake or a huge turtle snap at your nose and i cant wait to see Weezer tonight at the long beach arena cuz i once saw Iron Maiden there in the 80s and it damn near changed my life. and i will tell you thats what i need. im sick of being at the bottom of everything.

there are days when even leftovers are the finest things of all. there are days when pf changs wont save you. there are days when everyone can tell you that they love you and it isnt until that little old lady behind the counter of the mini market who never says hello to you cuz you suck says hi, happy thanksgiving and it means everything in the whole world to you.

most people dont know this but in the olden times they used to have fbi agents manning the suicide hotlines because when people are at their wits ends they'll tell you anything and a lot of times people who would be very very bad people would call these hotlines right before they did something bad or right before they offed themselves. so dont be so impressed by alot of the accomplishments out there in life because sometimes they are simply handed to others. and back in the day i was on one of those calls and i said so before you ace yourself tell me who the ringleader is, and the girl told me and i said, see now youve saved some lives and you helped people and she said, but not really, now that guys family is over and his life is over and i said, you dont know that. they might not be in as much love as you think. those kids might hate him, she said but they... i said, hush hush. shhhh. she said ok i hafta go now.

and i said. meet me at the long beach arena tonight. theres this band called iron maiden. there was silence on the phone. i thought she was dead. then she said, i fucking love iron maiden. i said i'll meet you there at 7 o'clock. she said ok. she said thank you. i said i cant wait to meet you. she said, wait. whats your favorite song of theres. it was a quiz. i said, i love the trooper, i love hallowed be thy name. i love two minutes to midnight, but id say my favorite maiden tune is the Rime Of The Ancient Mariner. she said why. she said, youre just reading that off a list. i said, because not only do they incorporate a cheesy fucked up old school poem that no one read, but its long and its dynamic and Eddie comes out at the end and when that happens you know everythings gonna be all right.