Friday, August 16, 2002
 ways republicans can prove that they're not completely full of shit
1. legalize pot - they say that they're pro-farmer, pro-business, not racist, good economists, logical, and with Christian values, prove it. God made all the green plants on the 6th day and said it was good. Laughing and giggling and getting the munchies is good. smoke all the weed you want, you wont die. ask any hippie. legalize weed, stop the war on drugs, tax the hell out of it so that it's 3x the price of cigarettes (currently it's about 10x) and use those taxes to rebuild our cities.
2. abolish school vouchers - simply the most racist thing ive seen in my lifetime.
3. apologize to clinton for that ridiculous impeachment bullshit - that was an embarrassment to our country and many people will never look at rebulicans as serious public officials unless they admit that it was a failed witch hunt and a waste of tax dollars. that was a miserable precedent that was basically, "we lost the election so we will sick the dogs on the President that will start with whitewater and end with impeachment." you should be ashamed.
4. abolish the FCC. those are the public's airwaves. if people really don't want to hear the word "fuck" in primetime, they will tune out. we're not babies. you say you want less government, prove it. and by the way, hbo has proven that the people do want to hear the word "fuck" in primetime.
5. fire alan greenspan.
6. break up Ticketmaster.
7. find Bin Laden - we've believed your bullshit about a strong military. you've gotten all the money and toys and laws and people that you need. you identified him as the enemy. find him, prosecute him, do it on pay-per-view, give the money to The Great Ghetto Project (to be explained later).
8. stop this impending baseball strike - once again, republicans swear they know a thing or two about business, and this is a dispute among millionaires, if you cant figure out how to make it so that millionaires can make money, then what exactly can you claim to be good at?
9. Create the Great Ghetto Project: people think that Republicans are racist and only concerned with helping out themselves and other rich whites, prove those critics wrong. If America is a big apple barrel with a rotting bottom that needs repair so that the whole barrel doesn't collapse on itself, then repair the rotting parts. I say start with the ghettos. Everyone knows where they are.
Use your alleged business genius and create popular television programs that people will will fork over $20 to see on pay-per-view. i have a few ideas, naturally, to get the ball rolling.
the first show will be called "Titties for the Cities." now the first thing you'll have to do, of course, is stop making the word "titties" illegal to say on television, but once you abolish the FCC that will be easy to do. What this program will consist of will be a parade of hundreds of beautiful young women from all over the world who will walk onto a stage, lift their shirts and say whatever they want for 30 seconds, this will be a one hour show. it will raise millions if not billions, mostly because celebrities interested in helping america's poor will also lift their shirts in support.
"Public Execution Live" - public executions are not cruel and unusual punishment. they just aren't. put that shit on tv, rake in the millions.
"Lie Detector Debates" - hook up political candidates to lie detectors, put them under super hot lights, give them 2 minutes to answer questions, after 2 minutes their mics go dead, have the lie detector on the split screen. this very well might be cruel and unusual, but it might also just help this country return to glory.
take the monies, hire all the poor who wait outside of Home Depot who want jobs, hire all the people on welfare, train them using licensed contractors, and then block by block rebuild the ghettos until there aren't any any more. have Martha Stewart supervise. put that shit on tv too.
if you cannot rebuild our cities, you aren't public servants. you can put additions to your mansions with mexican workers, you let mexicans and blacks be nannies to your babies, now let them learn a trade and rebuild their communities.
10. Give Blacks, Mexicans, Native Americans and public school teachers a 100% relief from state and federal income taxes. The teachers don't have to pay taxes for as long as they're teachers. The minorities get 12 years of relief in the form of a punch-card. Each year they choose not to pay taxes they go to the post office and get their card punched. if the IRS comes to their house, they simply have to show their punch card and the IRS has to go away.
The purpose of this is to apologize for slavery, and apologize for stealing the land that our nation is now residing on.
If you cant fix the economy, use the military, take government out of our airwaves, encourage smart people to be educators, save baseball, and protect our country from terrorists, then what is the GOP really about other than getting in the way of Liberals. you've gone to the best schools, you've had the best opportunites, we've even allowed you to steal an election. so now do something and quit talking about it.
Do these things, conservatives, and i will know that you are not full of shit.
you've got two years. you really only need one.
your pal,
tony
kudos to peggy and daniel for the flowage. thank you thank you thank you!!!!
p.s. this is the last political post that i will make this year. there are plenty of other places to go for this bologna. most people like to talk about this, i like to actually see things happen. i say we get shit done and quit talking so much.
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