tony + mary!
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nothing in here is true


   Tuesday, December 24, 2002  
interview with a pro journalist

don't: look, it's tony pierce.
tony: wow, i was just signing off
don't: that would be dumb.
don't: :-)
tony: i have to write about Hell
don't: tony doesn't like me anymore.
tony: don't doesnt like me any more
don't: i don't even get exciting e-mails anymore like i did for that day.
don't: it was like a one night stand.
tony: you shouldnt feel bad
tony: its not you
tony: ive just had a few bad online relationships
tony: recently
tony: as in Very recently
don't: what does that have to do with me.
don't: nada.
don't: listen.
don't: i got my airplane tickets today for l.a. i'll be flying into lax january 13th. i'll be there for 4 days and then i fly to maui. we should sit down and do that interview, wouldn't that be fun.
tony: all interviews i do are on aol
don't: that's weird.
tony: not really
tony: that way if someone tries to make me look dumber than i really am
tony: i have the interview that i can put on my site
don't: i thought the perks would be more appealing.
don't: hm, okay.
don't: i offered.
tony: what sign did you say you were?
tony: taurus?
tony: the bull?
don't: right.
don't: yup.
tony: isnt the customer always right?
don't: which one of us is the customer.
tony: mememememememememe
tony: whats the problem with letting me do it the way i want to?
don't: okay, i didn't know you had such a problem in social situations.
tony: im a master of social situations
tony: and im a good interview
tony: why dont you want me to feel comfortable?
tony: why do you want me to be misquoted?
don't: you're not comfortable meeting people in real life?
tony: misunderstood
tony: i dont think that people who know me through my writing
don't: you could sit across from me and answer the questions on paper and we could pass it back and forth.
tony: will like me as much in person
don't: what do you have to lose, i mean, you said i'm hot.
don't: even just to get a peek at the cleavage.
don't: or the ass even.
tony: i thought we were talking about an interview?
don't: well, we'd be naked and everything.
tony: you will come here and get naked and interview me?
don't: no, i couldn't interview naked.
tony: why?
don't: i would feel dirty.
tony: whats dirty about your body?
don't: hah.
don't: hey, i'm asking the questions.
tony: good luck with that ideal
tony: why do you want to get naked for me?
don't: i don't.
don't: i want to sit across from you with a tape recorder.
tony: why is my voice more important than my words?
don't: because i'll be in l.a., that's the only reason.
don't: so, why not.
don't: four days.
don't: f o u r
don't: 1 2 3 4
tony: where are you staying?
don't: hotel, my sister is coming with me.
don't: but.
don't: laksjdf
don't: woah.
tony: what sign is your sister?
don't: taurus.
tony: twin?
don't: nope.
tony: damn
don't: do you know where the hyatt anaheim is.
tony: yes
don't: nice?
tony: do you like disneyland?
don't: no.
tony: thats all thats going on in anaheim
don't: oh.
tony: do you like your pussy eaten?
don't: are you going to answer me.
tony: i have never been to the hyatt anaheim
tony: im sure it's fine
don't: there's supposed to be someone famous at the hyatt anaheim this week.
don't: that's not my question, dope.
don't: we're staying at the beverly hills hotel.
tony: tony robbins isnt that famous
tony: im #3 tony on google, he's like #15
don't: ugh.
don't: sigh.
tony: i know
tony: im #4
don't: how come you said you were in bad online relationships if you've never met anyone online.
tony: well, thats one of the problems
tony: she keeps teasing me
tony: telling me she will come see me
tony: then doesnt
don't: than she's bullshit.
tony: yep
don't: detach your heart from the situation.
tony: i try
tony: i like her a lot though
don't: how do you know she's her.
tony: she had her brother make a little movie
tony: her on the phone talking to me
don't: oh.
tony: crazy
don't: hmm.
don't: that's not good.
tony: what isnt?
don't: is it that pasty girl?
tony: all you girls are pasty
don't: i'm not.
tony: show me more pics
don't: k, hold.
don't: i bet you deleted the other ones.
tony: not of you i didnt
don't: you should.
tony: why?
don't: shit, if they're not going to end up on than fuck it.
tony: they dont fit
tony: keep trying
tony: right now im writing about Hell
tony: and about Santa
tony: if you have pics of either of those things
tony: starring you
tony: then you might have a chance
don't: i would need to re-start my other computer, transfer them to disk and get them onto this computer, you're not going to make me do all that, are you?
tony: ive read that its impossible to make a taurus woman do anything
don't: not true.
tony: whats the key?
don't: that's the secret.
tony: if you want to get me more pictures
tony: i will promise to stay on line
tony: i really want to write right now
tony: so it might be perfect
don't: so, in other words...
tony: go get your pics
tony: i'll be here
don't: but don't talk.
tony: dont you want to find out about hell?
don't: no.
tony: dont you like my writing?
don't: i like your writing but i don't think i like you very much.
don't: that's the conflict.
tony: because you cant control me?
don't: hehe.
tony: i will tell you how to control me
tony: wear a short plaid skirt
tony: knee highs
tony: sexy shoes
tony: lipstick
tony: and know what you want
don't: well, i've been telling you what i want for 17 minutes.
don't: it's not working.
don't: so, you're right, everything you do write is a lie.
don't: :-)
tony: i gave you the secret and you piss on it
don't: and i just proved your theory wrong.
don't: okay, here we go.
don't: here's one of me with short hair.
don't: don't laugh on the inside.
don't: connect with me baby.
tony wants to directly connect.
don't is now directly connected.
don't: that was bad.
don't: i should not have shown that.
don't: that was sick and wrong.
tony: was that on your wedding day?
don't: i wish.
don't: oh!
don't: here's me being cute.
don't: i love those shoes.
tony: kulats
don't: see, i'm not pasty.
don't: yup.
tony: cant tell
don't: bullshit.
tony: more
don't: wanna see my boat?
don't: no, nevermind.
tony: everytime you say nevermind
don't: you want to hurt me bad.
don't: real bad.
tony: no, a baby seal gets clubbed
don't: i think out loud, that's all.
don't: shut the fuck up.
tony: its true
don't: shhhh
tony: i have brilliance to deliver
don't: i don't show anyone my boat, feel special.
tony: i feel very special

tony: sorta
don't: right.
tony: you have 4 more minutes
don't: to what.
tony: till i have to write
don't: i'm timed.
tony: 3
don't: don't doesn't get timed.
tony: don't wants to be the man so badly
don't: so, which day should i book for personal tony time. the 13th, the 14th, the 15th or the 16th.
don't: i can tell you where to meet me, you can show up freely.
don't: if you don't, i'll know you're a pussy.
don't: and don't time people, it's dumb.
tony: my schedule isnt in front of me
tony: im a pussy about certain things, but not about meeting girls
don't: i'm sure all four are open.
tony: everything i do is dumb
tony: dont be so sure
tony: 1
don't: please stop.
tony: a good picture buys you 4 more minutes
don't: i'm not a trick.
tony: dont project
tony: its called a compromise
don't: a compromise.
don't: i guess i just look at things differently.
don't: hmm.
tony: -1
don't: stop.
tony: maybe youve had all day to write
tony: i didnt
don't: i haven't.
tony: i had to make out with a beautiful twnty year old
tony: i had to feel her up
don't: that's just what i was thinking to myself about.
tony: i had to buy her mexican food
don't: i should be working but i'm talking.
don't: why?
tony: then i had to go to another girls house
don't: because i want to.
tony: and feed her cats
tony: but the cats werent anywhere to be found
tony: -2
tony: then i had to drive on the hollywood freeway to go home
tony: and the phone rings a lot here
don't: i still need to get myself off in shower before bed so don't think you're the only one with a full schedule, tony pierce.
tony: i dont beat off on sunday
don't: are you going to answer me.
tony: so i have a double load here
don't: or should i just give up for good.
tony: that sits and waits untill im done writing
tony: -3
tony: whats the question?
don't: you know the question.
tony: 9 inches
don't: seriously now.
don't: should i just stop.
tony: probably
tony: i like girls who do as i say
tony: and give me pics
tony: and say sweet things to me
tony: incredibly easy
don't: that's a downer.
tony: -5
tony: whats so down about it?
don't: because i figured you would want to meet me.
don't: nice talking to you though, i really appreciate your time.
don't: i guess i always miss out on the good ones.
tony: poor you
tony: -7
don't: maybe you'll change your mind.
tony: about what?
don't: maybe it'll happen in the next 2 minutes.
don't: about being dumb towards me.
tony: -9
don't: really, just no desire at all?
tony: to meet someone i dont know?
don't: yes, i guess.
tony: i dont even go see the people i love the most!
tony: i live 2 miles from 15 friends
tony: i dont see them
tony: i have Blooks for them
tony: perfect excuses to see them
tony: its Christmas
tony: i dont see them
don't: they're not me.
tony: so dont take it personally
tony: fine, what makes you so special?
tony: do tell.
tony: writer girl
don't: you can't go wrong.
tony: in what way?
don't: i'm well-rounded.
don't: heh.
tony: you have a fat ass?
don't: you're just scared you might like it.
tony: i prefer fat asses
tony: oh yeah thats what else i did today
tony: gave a blook to a girl with a perfect ass
tony: at her home
tony: she looked incredible
don't: did you touch it.
tony: she was sick
tony: i stayed on the porch
tony: hadnt seen her in 5 months
tony: maybe more
tony: stuck my arm all the way out
don't: i'd love to hear more but i want to talk about me.
tony: gave it to her
tony: ran off
tony: she Was a virgin
tony: 25 yrs old
tony: professional
tony: D cups
don't: ooo, d cups.
tony: perfect ass
tony: thick lips
tony: smart
don't: sounds nice, wish i coulda gotten a piece of the coochie.
don't: can we talk about me.
tony: ive ignored her for half a year
don't: you've ignored me for 7 minutes.
tony: so, the question is,
tony: with that all said
tony: why should i meet you?
don't: because you were looking for a don't to fill that void.
tony: i told you what i liked
tony: you are saying thats not you
don't: why do you have to be difficult.
don't: why do questions have to be involved.
tony: im being easy as pie
don't: why not me.
don't: it's stupid.
don't: why the fuck not.
tony: cuz you dont want what i want
don't: eh?
tony: i am old enough to know what i need
tony: and what i want
don't: what do i want that you don't want.
don't: do tell.
tony: you want to be the man
tony: you want control
tony: you want things your way
tony: - 18
don't: no, that's just the way things happen.
don't: that's stupid.
tony: send me a picture
don't: in the mail?
tony: now
don't: testing me, i like it.
don't: i'm not 19, i'm 23 remember.
tony: ok, im gonna go write now
don't: i bore you.
tony: you dont listen
tony: say goodnight, don't.
don't: or took 2 minutes to write an e-mail.
don't: you're a dick.
tony: guilty
tony: if telling you i have waited all night to write
tony: and then spending a half hour with your pouty ass is being a dick
tony: then im guilty as hell
don't: eh, i don't give a shit.
don't: i'm a better writer anyway.
tony: no shit
tony: you are
tony: i agree
tony: you make money off your shit
tony: all i get are girls who want to fuck me
don't: my interview could have been called "pussy"
tony: too bad you dont have the guts
tony: ironic
don't: the ones who talk about it are the ones who don't get it.
don't: the guts to what.
tony: to call it pussy
don't: you're not worth it.
tony: i offered to fly to LA to fuck him, he said he'd think about it, this is a story about a pussy
don't: you could have been.
don't: did i?
tony: -24
don't: wow, i must have been slipped some roofies when i said that.
don't: karma's a bitch.
tony: <--- Christian
tony: <--- couldnt give a shit about "karma"
don't: that's why you don't make money off your shit because you talk to people like they're 4.
don't: god, if i were 5 years old, i'd prank you.
tony: i dont make money off my shit because publishers wouldnt know where to put my shit
tony: prank away
tony: im going to write
tony: adios
don't: right next to the autobiography of
don't: i'm not done yelling at you.
tony: i'll give you three more minutes
tony: im going to change your name
tony: and put this on the blog
don't: no.
tony: gimme a good picture
tony: i truly dont appreciate people who dont appreciate my time
don't: why would you put something on to distort our conversation and make me look like an ass.
don't: i appreciate your time when it's spent doodling with me.
don't: see that!
tony: so youre admitting that youve been an ass to me for the last half hour?
don't: because i'm offended.
don't: i'm not an ass.
don't: i never said that.
tony: unlike your interview of me, im not going to change your words
tony: so if you havent acted like an ass
tony: theres no way i could make you "look" like one
don't: why would you put an aol conversation up.
don't: like you're not going to write a little snotty paragraph to go with it.
tony: im not drudge
tony: i dont need any snotty intro
don't: do you have a deep voice.
tony: -30
don't: answer me.
tony: deeper than youd think
don't: i doubt that.
tony: say goodnight to the nice people now
don't: no.
don't: i'm not finished.
don't: and neither are you.
tony: what do you want your fake name to be?
don't: don't.
tony: perfect
don't: don't.
don't: seriously.
don't: sigh.
don't: please.
don't: give me your phone number.
tony: why?
tony: you have it
don't: not anymore.
tony: what happened to it
don't: i wrote it at work.
tony: i asked you nicely to let me work
tony: i told you my circumstance
tony: you saw i havent been able to write all day
tony: 1 entry????
tony: so not cool/
tony: instead of saying, cool man, hit me up when youre done
don't: sigh.
tony: you were all
tony: me me me me me me me me me me
don't: i was born in may.
don't: just right now.
tony: i know lots of people born in may
don't: it's not me mem em ememe always.
tony: angels
don't: i'm a baby.
don't: i'm the youngest.
tony: hey
tony: your time is up
tony: -36
don't: do you realize that when you sign off on me, this is our last conversation.
tony: do you realize that i
tony: dont care
tony: or
tony: believe you?
don't: oh.
tony: if anyone ever doubted that i am in Hell
tony: now they know the truth.
don't: that was shitty to say to someone before christmas.
don't: i'm sorry i made you feel like that.
don't: i thought it was funny.
tony: if you dont let me write, i will print all of this
don't: why don't you just block me.
tony: why dont you just do what the person says will make them happy?
don't: because if you don't give a shit, just block me.
tony: because if i had blocked you, i would have never had this post

government monkey

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