tony + mary!
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nothing in here is true


   Thursday, August 07, 2003  
theres three kinds of ass out there. and the third doesnt exist.

theres the easy ass. the kind thats always there for you. the kind that poses and whispers and locks onto you and doesnt let you leave the house without a million kisses and wishes.

easy ass gets boring to most, but the wise man learns to appreciate it and not get bored. boring people get bored - especially of easy ass.

billy joel had some easy ass for awhile and divorced it.

kobe cheated on his easy ass.

hef dances with his.

then theres the perfect ass. this is the type that doesnt exist. perfect ass wants you when you want it. perfect ass comes right before you do. sometimes right when you do. perfect ass doesnt bother you when youre crawling under the beach house while youre laying wire on your day off cuz your sick, perfect ass doesnt put you fourth on its list of things to do, perfect ass will make you cry but only out of joy.

there is no such thing as perfect ass.

if you think youve found it, you should marry it, or bottle it, or shake your head because your probably dreaming.

the closest thing youve probably gotten to perfect ass is your hand.

thats not a bad thing.

then theres normal ass.

normal ass is a pain in the ass, but c'est la vie.

you have to work to get normal ass, you have to work with normal ass's schedule, you have to marinate it, romance it, wine it and dine it.

you have to tell it that it looks good even when it doesnt look so good.

normal ass looks at you like youre normal ass and gets fed up with you just as much as you get fed up with it.

normal ass is forgetful, lies, cheats, fucks up, isnt perfect, isnt always sweet, doesnt always want it, will talk shit about you to the world, will probably make money writing about your ass one day.

normal ass is as plentiful as the leaves of grass and when people say they cant get any ass theyre overlooking the normal ass.

normal ass doesnt like being identified or boxed in or bagged and tagged.

normal ass wants to think that its special, but its not.

normal ass is as normal as pimple on the ass of a good looking girl.

me, i like easy ass, and i must admit that i get fooled into the idealistic dream that theres some perfect ass out there for me that will love me when it finds out my phone number, and yet im willing to settle for normal ass.

i dont think im much different in that example than most men.

if youre a man under the age of 100, any ass will do, but once you get older than that dont be suprised if you get impatient when perfect ass stops being perfect or when easy ass becomes dull.

even at 109 years old i have never been bored by easy ass, however ive grown tired of jump-through-the-ring-of-fire normal ass.

and because i have experienced perfect ass a few times i can tell you it does exist

but it was probably a dream.

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