did a new photo essay for your collective behinds which you can now find here.

one of these days i'll get a peice of software that will let me compress the images a little more so that there wont be such huge file sizes.

my girl teresa says that shes on a dial up, and i forgot that people are still using dial up.

if i was president i would wire the nation. or make it wireless. one or the other. but nobody should still be having to surf the internet using a modem in the year two thousand and fucking three.

hows a man supposed to make a photo essay if he has to worry about people downloading at 56k?

do you guys have the new white stripes record yet? kate sullivan says that it inspires making out and throwing off of clothes. i have taken two showers with it so maybe the latter is true.

she complains though that because its a double lp that it will cause lots of troubles while making out.

i think the opposite is true.

usually during nice long sessions, it's good to get one's breath and reassess the situation. and theres no better reason to call for a twenty second time out than to flip over the red record, or put on the white one.

this gives one time to light up a smoke or take a quick sip of "water" and then dive back into combat.

before the time of mp3s i invested in a sony two hundred disc cd player which came with a remote control.

sometimes i would take a quick break to find and use the remote, but that can come across as a huge buzz kill, and a good boy scout should have prepared a good program order.

now with the advent of winamp there should be no excuse that you wouldnt have 100 tunes lined up starting with the mellow, peaking with some speed metal, and winding down with the slow jams. and yet many times, even with lots of heads up, i am usually bumbling with cds at the last minute asking if one mediocre cd is better than another.

eventually weezer will end up in there, or bjork, or floyd, or the jesus and mary chain, or madonna.

i like putting in the tunes ive never heard before the best.

with someone ive never really known before.

or with someone who's always new.

katie hall drunk! + splink + new zealand news + linda

p.s. first person who flows the busblog ten bones, gets their link above anna for next week. no pressure, just saying.

[update: John3 wins!]

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simple questions




1. why are you here? it's saturday.
2. how did you get here (blog, site, bookmark)
3. what are you looking for?

please answer in the comments.

thank you.

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raymi thinks about me when shes drunk thats nice.

she wants to meet me when shes drunk too. thats very nice. smart, really. maybe i can be drunk too.

sorta like a blind date, except a drunk date, where both parties are wasted upon meeting.

who would i get drunk with first though? my fluffer, as it were, though in this case, my drunker.

nomally, i suppose, i would have said catherine zeta-jones, but she is with child right now, so shes out.

i believe jodie foster is knocked up too, which is too bad cuz i hear she loves to party.

once a long time ago i had a two night stand with a girl in hollywood.

she reminded me exactly of the character of that crazy chick in fight club, she almost looked like her a little bit.

but identicaly like her in almost every other way.

id like to drink with her before i met raymi. where ever she is.

once i asked her to the movies. i said, hey wanna see something about mary?

she said, no, i dont want to see something about mary.

i was all, but matt dillon.

she was all, romeo, come to my house after you go see your something about mary, and bring drinks.

then the other time we went to the lava lounge first and got wasted off blue drinks and stumbled back to her limo.

ive seen a few things in my life, north americans.

and for the most part, ive hung in there without making too much of an ass out of myself.

a lot of credit has to go to the fact that i was fortunate enough to have several years of higher education.

knowing how to drink is a valueable skill, and because of that my children will definately be attending a party school.

my first real job was for a multi billion dollar conglomarate. they flew all of us young guys out to headquarters and got us drunk on the river.

smart thinking because the booze became truth serum.

if a guy was obviously drunk and was cool, then thats a cool dude. good pick.

if a guy was an asshole drunk, look out. mostly because in the sales biz you end up drunk a lot.

in college if you couldnt skateboard drunk you were worthless because they had recently passed an ordinance that said if you got caught riding your bicycle drunk you could lose your drivers license. which makes no sense, but it forced us all to become world class skaters.

the bums skated. the stray dogs skated. whole gangs skated.

once me and my buddy chris were poisoned by these well meaning hippie girls and we were hallucinating so much that we thought we saw a fox trucking down the sidewalk and i said to chris, much later, dude, was that a fox.

and he said yes and i think he was on a skateboard.

i think i would like to watch strange brew with raymi and drink every time they say beer.

jim treacher + moxie + sumo pop

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some cool things happened on the train this morning that i really should tell you about, except im having a hard time concentrating because theres a very sexy girl walking around the control room here in super low cut jeans, a sparkely belt with stars, and a semi belly shirt.

dont people know that we're trying to fight some serious crime up in this peice?

k, so anyway, got out of the house early again this morning in hope that my lust interest would be near my work so i could get her number like i should have yesterday.

got down into the subway and theres an announcement. Lord only knows what they were trying to tell us because everything that comes out of that loudspeaker sounds like the teacher from Peanuts.

all i knew was the subway train was stopped and people were asking each other what the fuck the lady said and the train wasnt going anywhere.

soon everyone was being told to leave the train, that another train would be coming on the other track in a few minutes.

hold on this gets way better.

so we all got off the train, and since im mr. camera picture taker dude, i took pics of all the people waiting. click. click. click.

then i see three paramedics taking somebody up the escalator on a stretcher. click.

then the train came and we all get on and i see a big black dude with a clippers jersey with huge arms and on one of his biceps i see a terrible tattoo that i really wanted to take a picture of but this guy was a little intimidating so i didnt steal his soul.

which turned out to be a smart move on my part, because there we were on a super jammed up train and suddenly clipper fan is yelling at a homeless man for taking up two seats with his homelessness.

homeless man, who we will call george (cuz he was black and dreadlocked like George Clinton from P-Funk) wakes up startled hearing clipper bro barking at him and moves his bag of crap and gives the double peace sign.

but thats not enough for clipper fan who keeps staring at him, so george stares at him back.

Black people may not have money power priveledge but we do have pride.

Clipper fan, asks george what hes staring at. all black folk know thats a trick question, so he doesnt answer.

clipper fan asks it again and again and then again.

the formerly overcrowded train suddenly has lots of room for people to get out of the way of what is about to go down, namely a young strong black man pouncing on the weak old homeless prey.

a mom takes her four year old and puts him on her lap. he starts crying cuz he wants to walk around. everyone is quiet. some white guy reading john grisham pretends to read as he walks away from the drama. me im thinking i need a camera that attaches to my forehead because this shit is good.

then Clipper fan reaches into his back pack and keeps his hand in there, bicep flexed, looking bigger than ever.

do you want to die, nigga? he asks george.

homeless man thinks about it.

i said, do you want to die, fool?

george nods to the affirmative!

all i could imagine was bright red blood and brains all over the bulletproof glass window of the metro car.

do you know who i am? Clipper fan asks.

whole time im thinking im undercover, i cant blow my cover. i dont think this dude has a gun and even if he does i dont think hes gonna blow this dude away over being stared at so i play it cool. just observing. reaching into my backpack. i will run at him, shoot him point blank in the nose. i might hit someone else but whatev, xbi bitch. then i disarm him then i will run away up the escalator.

i axed you if you knew who i was, nig-gah!

george shook his head no.

im a young wild black fool with nothing to lose and i will pop you right now.

we got to the stop and the doors opened.

it was my stop.

i couldnt radio anyone cuz i was beneath the fucking crust of la and i was in the second to last car on the train and the dumbass metro drivers never do anything if you run at them waiving your arms, so you know what i did?

i got on the escalator, walked up to the surface

and then i said a little prayer for my bro george clinton and the sleeping man in the seat behind him.

lynn + meigan + im hose monster's hero

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caption this, please

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well the war's still going on, so to protest it i will continue to put up pictures of hot girls. today we gaze upon bellies and legs of ms. paris and nikki hilton, porn star names if ever i saw em.

fell asleep last night while finishing up the website of los angeles's best attorney, but i promise it will be done this weekend.

i have no idea why im slacking on it. my attorney has been so wonderful to me, and has never complained at my medicraty. maybe its because she knows that in real life im americas biggest loser.

which is interesting. ive had several supervisors who have complained to me that i try to come across as "mr. cool." and i look around and i think who the hell are they talking about?

my mom buys most of my clothes, and she still shops for them in the same places that she bought me clothes when i was 8. sears. most the time these trendy threads are wrinkled because i leave them in the laundry hamper.

my hair has always been a joke.

i either wear white sneakers or black ones.

i mispronounce words worst than i spell them.

i love sports so much i play online internet fantasy games.

im a tv junkie.

i stay at home way more than i go out.

my house is a mess pretty much at all times. i dont read books. im a born again Christian. and my newest favorite hobby is gardening.

none of these activities add up to the doings of anyone named mr. cool.

and yet somehow i continue to be levied criticism of always "trying to look cool."

theres nothing cool about me, other than my friends. i have the coolest friends.

im wearing a raiders beanie which on most people makes them look tougher, on me it makes me look cold and pin-heady. it cost me $5 at the subway stop.

my sunglasses have flames on the side stickered on. those, too, cost me five bucks.

mr. cool's bicycle is broken.

mr. cool doesnt have a date for this weekend and isnt all that upset about it. maybe thats a little cool, but not really.

mr. cool needs to toast his bagel from a bag of five that he got from the ninety nine cent store.

mr. cool loves you all.

how to start a free blog (scroll to the bottom) + backseat driver + fussy

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tall skinny girl was waiting for the subway with me today. i was shocked. what a pleasant surprise. i was actually running a little early.

she looked cute. shorter hair than i remember. wasn't as pissed off. not as punk rock looking.

i wanted to stand next to her and wait for the subway with her but that wouldn't be my style with her.

my style is to ignore her when close up and admire her from afar.

craziest thing is shes not even that amazing looking. theres just something about her that makes me nervous as hell. i love that feeling.

i know girls like boys who are full of confidence, but i like girls who make me all nervous.

at wilshire vermont i lost her. at first i thought she was gonna take the bus so i went to the stairs (the elevator has been broken all week) and i didn't see her climbing the stairs so i went down to the wilshire western subway train and didn't see her there so i climbed the stairs to the bus.

nothing.

no tall skinny girl, no nothing other than a bunch of losers like me commuting in the early cold spring morning of koreatown.

took the express bus down wilshire, got off where i normally do and walked past a local bus stop.

gorgeous girl there.

tight jeans. tight white blouse. amazing heels. pretty, sweet face. it was getting warmer.

i strolled past her and turned around and asked myself, why are you avoiding the girls that you like?

i asked myself, why must you only date cheerleaders and chicks who write you off your website?

so i stopped and waited with her at the stop.

i was under the bus stop, proper. the sun was shining so i was getting a little shade which was helpful since i had a jacket on and a fleece shirt underneath it, and since i was nervous, i was sweating a tad, but not really.

she looked at me, looked past me, then looked at me again.

then she walked into the covered area with me.

shit you not.

all the negative thoughts went flowing through my brain.

shes too young. she wont like you. its a set up. she has a penis. she has bad breath. shes going to boarding school. she doesn't like boys. she has diseases. her dad will kill you. she rides the bus. You ride the bus!

the bus, thank God, wasn't coming any time soon.

i had to say something. but what do you say?

sweet ass you got there. damn!

so i said the thing that i have learned works every time. every time, people.

i really like your shoes.

she smiled and said thanks and moved closer.

she has the teeth of a teenager, my negative thoughts told me.

are those suede? i asked.

uh huh. she said and smiled very brightly, looked at the bus and then back at me and twirled her hair behind her ear.

i looked away.

the bus came.

she sat near me.

i got off at my stop.

and this is why i sleep alone.

bukkake + sk smith + nevada north

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it was raymi's birthday on tuesday! how could i have forgotten!

im in love with raymi, and im about a hundred percent sure she wouldnt like me.

i doubt first of all that she would like my music. hardly anyone does.

chris says she does but chris tells the prettiest lies.

and i dont think i could keep up with her. i saw her chat live on the internet and she could barely keep still, imagine how riled up she'd get if she saw me without my shirt on. she'd rip me to shreds.

im a sensitive poet. i cant be being ripped to shreds. by a candadian. girl.

i still get carpal tunnel, raymi the minx would fuck my shit up.

anyhow, i lust her. from afar. im glad shes around.

i like that she sorta rambles in her writings. i like that she has like 89 blogs. im glad shes a foreigner. im glad that if she ever did come to la she would probably let me take like a zillion naked pictures of her and then we'd see what this damn camera can do.

ive said it before and its still true, theres nothing i dont like about raymi.

and i think shes even sexier now that shes twenty.

a. beam is back

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lot of people are sick at the agency which is scary cuz of that asian disease.

the killer flu one.

this one guy sneezed today and i said SARS which is funny, but wrong.

we were talking about geraldo rivera and some guy walking by real fast, total hurry, had plenty of time to chime in with a juicy ass fuck geraldo.

this dude was wearing a turtleneck.

super hot chick from where i used to work makes tshirts now, and how sweet would it be to bust with the fuck geraldo tshirt when youre walking to the liquor store.

fuck bush, fuck the yankees, fuck terrorists, fuck sluts, fuck bud selig, fuck ticketmaster, fuck your hanging chads, fuck blood for oil, fuck the busblog.

it could be a whole line.

black shirts, white letters. easy.

nothing in here is true, right?

yeah, i buy cds all the time.

i think sixteen ninety nine for a cd is a reasonable price.

the white stripes came out with a new cd yesterday. one that they claim to have made for $15,000, which is a ridiculously low price. maybe even impossible.

since the first thousand people who buy the cd pay it off, i wanted to be part of that.

the last cd i actually bought was norah jones for my mom at Christmas.

tom waits was playing on the cd player of this record store.

there was a sealed Eazy Duz It above the register. vinyl. vinyl all over the place.

fuck vinyl

just kidding. i saw an ac/dc flat above the window and i pointed to it and asked for one, he went into the back, got one and charged me two bucks.

no problem. you know how hard it must be to be an independent record store these days?

picked up vice magazine. free. now i dont feel bad about the twenty bucks im spending. buying records is like a vote, anyhow. i elect the white stripes. i elect weezer. i elect tsar.

i did something so incredibly stupid today and so then i bought an overpriced cd, and then paid money for something promotional.

rode the bus to the subway

these four black kids were being loud and teenaged and quasi gangsta and brushed up against my magazine more than a few times to see what id do.

im undercover motherfuckers

train came after a long time, saw a total loser guy with the hottest chick ive ever seen on the subway. latino, arms crossed, long jeans, heels poking out the boot cut, bitchiest eyes, and bro was all up close to her and she would just look past him, and up.

forgot about my boys till i got to sunset and on the elevator.

me, two of em, chinese lady. a group of other people were about twenty feet away and if i was the lady i woulda kept the door open so the numbers would be more in her favor, but she let the doors shut and we rode up from below slowly.

big guy says u-g-k underground killaz, he was looking at the graffiti on the ceiling of the elevator.

his buddy scanned the ceiling and nodded

they discussed how that crew lost their influence in a suprising defeat not too long ago, and the big one took out his pick and slid it through the back of his afro

and i keyed in on his adams apple

just in case i needed a target

bettie girl + reverse cowgirl + cleve blog

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i wish i could tell you everything. sometimes i do have an interesting life. sometimes it's downright fascinating.

unfortunately some of it is off limits for purposes of this blog.

sucks.

mostly sucks because lots of it is right on the forefront of my mind and theres no better place to work out such issues than in a forum like this with wonderful people like you. and instead of saying things like two cheerleaders called me last night as i was making jiffy pop with a third... im forced to say things like, what the fuck are the red sox thinking trying to "improve" fenway by sticking rows of seats atop the green monster?

and here we are in america. home of the brave.

land of the free.

fuckers.

two cheerleaders called me last night as i was making jiffy pop with a third.

giggling. bar noise in the background.

i tried to talk softly cuz my date was flipping channels on the tivo.

what?! they yelled on their end of the line. huey lewis was playing on their jukebox.

huey lewis?

hip to be square i think. they wanted to know if they could come over because they locked their keys in their car as they were barhopping and i was two subway stops away.

cheerleader logic. instead of using the phone to call AAA or a tow truck they called me because when they thought of this particular seedy bar they thought of me. things could be worse.

what worried me was they had done about three cosmos too many and they shouldnta been about to go driving at all, so i told them to get a cab home and then call the tow truck in the morning. they said they wanted to come and sober up at my place.

i looked at my leather couch and my guest for the evening and i wondered what toby mcguire would do.

that didnt help so i thought about what jack nicholson would do. i put down the phone and asked my guest if she was interested in having two of her squadmates come over.

she hesitated and said, okay? and took a sip from her wine glass.

you know what ladies, lets do this another night, i told them, thinking id probably never have this opportunity ever again. three cheerleadres. two drunk, one getting there. clean apartment, stocked fridge, three full cans of ready whip.

they understood and hung up with a thank you, even though there was nothing to thank me for.

got back into the living room and my guest was putting on her little faux fur jacket.

she looked at me, applied her red lipstick and gave me the dirtiest stare. threw her tube of mac back into her coach and said that next time i would be better off not answering the phone.

sped off in her miata.

and i stood there with the front door still not closed because when she slammed it it hit the swinging chain lock and bounced back open with the sickest bang.

scurrility

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Libra Horoscope for week of April 3, 2003

Your idealism is one of your greatest assets, but it can also be a liability. Driven to seek beauty and harmony, you sometimes become blind to the messy truth. That's why I was so pleased to get the following oracle when I consulted the ancient Chinese book of divination, the I Ching, on your behalf: "It is only when you have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any self-deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events by which the path to success may be recognized." I interpret this to mean that you are about to temporarily suspend your idealism in order to see the messy truth, which will in turn lead you to an opportunity to practice your idealism on a higher level.

- Rob Brezney

i really wanted to write this morning.

i wanted to write about a lot of things, like clipper girl's friend who came over last night to sleep with me.

just sleep sleep not sexy sleep.

i wanted to write about how sometimes thats nice but sometimes its torture cuz i havent had a beautiful love making session in like weeks and its killing me.

i wanted to write also, maybe most importantly about an incredibly interesting debate that i had with several smart people about why it is that we in our blogs dont link to pay sites like Variety.com which is totally full of great information, and has a free trial period.

some of my friends were saying that we link to other sites that charge money like Amazon or cdnow, or nay. And probably the best example is when people link to Salon.

Salon might be a little different because all you have to do to read a particular article which might be the article of the moment (because Rabbit wrote it), all you have to do is click one ad and watch it for thirty seconds.

But I argued that a lot of times if i get to the Washington Post and they even ask for my birthday that i wont read the article because fuck the Washington Post for wanting to know my birthday.

Chris says she just lies when they ask, but i dont feel comfortable lying.

Anyhow, i would like you all to do me a favor, one of the few favors that I will ask from you before the Tsar cd comes out this fall. Do me a favor and sign up for the free trial on Variety.com because i would like to talk about some of the information in there and i wouldnt want you to be frustrated when i wrote about it.

Also, if you have a blog, let me know in the comments here: do you link to pay sites? would you? should you?

i am seriously interested in your feedback in this matter.

now it's time for me to make a sandwich for my lunch.

Variety

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alecia did london and she came back with a sweet photo essay.

cubs didnt lose today.

because it was april fools i made up this great story that was somewhat believeable and wrote it in an email and sent it to karisa.

she didnt write back all day.

then i wrote her back to see if she was super disappointed in me.

she wrote back and said she wasnt disappointed but for me not to write her back for the rest of the day because she would be "busy".

then i wrote her back and said april fools.

and she said that i sucked, cuz i got her good.

so then tonight chris called me and i was telling her the story, and chris was believing the story before i could tell her that it was an april fools story, so i kept telling it.

and at one point i told it so well that chris choked on her sushi.

and then i said

april fools.

and she laughed and called me a bastard.

theres a twenty year old marine reservist who now wants to claim that he is a concientious objector.

im a pacifist but if anyone has to fight in the war, it ought to be that dude, for being an idiot.

i went to bed early, i hope mike tyson on jimmy kimmel got tivoed.

before i did, heres a poem. people sometimes write in and ask me if i have written any good new poems. the answer is no. so heres an old one with a new picture. i changed the title and one line to make it more politically correct.

the consonation is lost, but i feel better with it.

tiffany + tina + bunnie

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jennifer garner called me up and said its april fools day, maybe you should do a post today and make it all true.

i said, nah.

put on my clothes, brushed my teeth and kissed her on the forehead and took the bus back to my house.

i dont like showering in strange places.

man on the radio was complaining that men complain to much. especially the american ones.

for some reason i thought immediately of andy rooney.

winner of the greatest job in the world contest.

i wonder how much andy would pay me to write his shit.

that way all hes got to do is show up for two minutes a week and not even think about anything.

how much would you pay not to have to even think about anything?

went to work then came home and made a tv dinner.

usually i dont eat tv dinners, but im exhausted tonight for some reason.

cracked open the old time favorite, salisburry steak.

somehow theyve turned the simple process of preparing a tv dinner (take dinner out of box, put it into microwave, press Quick Start + 3) into... cooking.

today i had to flip over the "steak", pull back the plastic over the potatoes, stir the potatoes, and then put it in for a few more minutes.

ended up having to put a slice of pizza into the toaster oven afterwards.

fell asleep, woke up and write you.

vodka pundit + almost bathing suit season + urban chic + my readers dont do that!

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apparently if you went into a particular phone store in Russia today and took off your clothes, they would give you a free cellular phone.

i didnt even know they had cell phones in Russia.

when i was in college they had a weasly record store (that didnt sell any records) that had a promotion where you could get one free cd if you took off your clothes. they said that they would be filming it so a lot of people chickened out. still i think they got 100 kids to bare it all. hopefully they got busted for kiddie porn since im sure there were some underagers in the group.

i kept my clothes on even though Achtung Baby had just been released.

today is April Fools day and i wonder if they have that in Russia. if they did i would have been doublely suspicious of said promotion.

im not a big fan of April Fools because i think it takes a lot to gain someones trust and only one day and one stupid "joke" to ruin it. plus im very naive and gullible and sometimes i end up trusting people who i shouldnt.

i was thinking about doing an april fools thing on here today but i want you all to trust me, which i know is difficult since i say on here that nothing is true, but still you do, and i appreciate that to no end.

this girl today said that she sent me a package with some pictures of herself. i bet that was an april fools joke. typically the ladies just deliver the goods, make my jaw drop, and then i go about my business.

how did we get off track.

what i want to say is i like what metafilter did today.

let me know if youve seen some other sites do this today.

urban chic + almost bathing suit season + vodka pundit

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when the new tsar cd comes out im going to ask you people to get behind it.

im going to want you to not only buy it but tell all your friends.

last time we tried to let the record company take care of their success, but this time we're going to take that shit in our own hands.

my bro whalen called me yesterday to wish me a happy opening day. i thought that was killer.

he really is a pretty awesome guy sometimes.

i love all the guys in tsar. all very different people. all great friends. all great musicians.

even solomon.

im so happy that theyre my friends. i wish theyd get on with it and start playing in la every week. it's the only way.

they also need a video. i wish theyd make ten videoes in ten days. i wish theyd get held hostage at a radio station and be forced to spin records and play live and then the captor get caught and tsar ruled the world.

i want peter jennings to wear a tsar tshirt at a knicks game.

i want the pixies to get back together for the sole purpose of playing the first tsar record in its entirety on rock radio.

i want a new girlfriend.

i want a boss who respects me.

i want a job so good that i could afford a car and drive down wilshire listening to talk radio during rush hour on the way home and i dont have to rush i can just cruise into the kfc drive through and after ordering call up a cute girl and ask her if she wants me to swing by and take her to the new chris rock movie and shed say, me? and id say, you.

and shed squeal and ask me to give her 15 minutes and when i got there shed smell super great and shed be beaming and id be beaming and shed get into the car and as we were heading to the $13 a ticket theatre we'd hear the dj say, and this, oh my, this is the brand new single from la's best new band.

kiddies, this is tsar.

and this girl would like me so much she would hold my hand through the whole movie.

and then shed ask me to show her tsar videos at my place afterwards.

i get to use my new bus pass today.

5ilver + jamie + lilly

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i swear this wont turn into a sports blog

i have no problem with jon gruden.

during the season i had to hold him in the way of an enemy.

but they won that super bowl fair and square. and the raiders gave a lot of it away.

good for jon gruden.

cubs scored 15 runs today. not since 1899 have they scored that many on opening day. we're going all the way.

leadoff hitter corey patterson knocked in seven runs. two homers.

if fucking corey patterson is ready to rock, this shits over.

and kerry wood was snapping that curveball, in the cold of new york.

and they had to walk sammy three times cuz theyre pussy ass bitches whose mothers are ashamed of.

it snowed in the middle of opening day in baltimore today.

then the sun came out, then they played some more, then it went into extra innings.

when the cubs go all the way this year, you can say it was the year it fucking snowed in baltimore on opening day.

quite a few people wished me happy opening day today, i liked that.

i wore a black espn tshirt today and my cubs hat, then they asked me how the (red) sox were doing.

this year again i find myself surrounded by red sox fans.

sox lost a hot breakah today. pedro pitched his ass off through six. might have even been up by six.

then they let the bullpen finish it up and those fuckers gave up the lead and then lost it.

besides pedros sharp opener, red sox fans were probably also happy about the fact that derek jeter dislocated his shoulder in a freak accident at third when he slid in head first hustling to third from first on a ground ball out in the infield.

and he was safe.

first day of the season and people are speculating how steinbrenner will replace his all star.

will he use the major leagues current farm system, the montreal expos, and pluck the youthful orlando cabrera, or let barry larkin get a chance to get a ring.

soriano hit a grand slam.

they might not need a shortstop.

matt welch + bambino's curse + midnight magica's rhps photo essay

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cubs win, cubs win!

and to celebrate, i present to you a brand new photo essay, that has nothing to do with baseball, for your ass.

dont be ascared to tell me how rad it is.

(make sure to click the >> things)
(for best results change your display settings to 1024x764)

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today is opening day. the day where every team still has a chance, even the cubs.

if you asked me how the cubs chances are, i would tell you that they have kerry wood who might have 300 strikeouts this year. i would say they have matt clement who might toss 250 strikeouts this year. i would say they have mark prior who will record 20 wins this season. i would say their bullpen is deep. i would say sammy sosa is gonna hit 62 homers and mark belhorn will hit 45 and play second base.

the only thing missing at wrigley field this year is harry carey.

and me.

and, of course, you.

does nancy faust still play the organ at wrigley?

how sick are you when you know the name of the organist at the ball game?

once i was at old chicago stadium watching larry bird destroy the bulls, this was well before jordan, and i went with my buddies because the San Diego Chicken was performing during the game, and afterwards i got his autograph, and i saw a woman with sheet music going down the stairwell and i said, "nancy faust?" and she stopped dead in her tracks.

and i got her autograph too.

im glad the way this season is starting.

yesterday, technically, baseball opened up with the defending champion anaheim angels hosting a game against the texas rangers. they werent scheduled to be the first game of the season but inclement weather back east made for some cancellations that pretty much showed us how baseball should begin.

the defending champs should have the opportunity to kick off the season. why not?

when i was a lad, i would beg my mother to let me have this day off. and if i was president of the united states, i would make Opening Day an official national holiday. its a big deal.

my mom would usually get in a huge fight with me and there would be tears, damaged bedroom furniture, and some sort of "deal" that we would both reluctantly agree to, but come opening day i rarely found myself in the unfriendly confines of school.

today im lucky enough to fly a black helicopter equipped with many monitors, one of which gets ESPN.

thank you, glorious Lord.

and go Cubs, you bastards.

chris's brother-in-law (with picture of her sister and cute nephews)

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an email from Jeanine

hey there the Bay Bay! read yer blog today - one day I'll flow you big. Sadly I've not been coming from enough abundance lately.

Love the monkey! As always!

But HEY!- you make it seem like me n' Chris have been all catty or something, like, we're only NOW becoming friendly or something - WHATCHOO Soam Kahndo DOH-MEH!?!?!?

Me n' that fine, very hot girl do QUITE alright together ...without you OR your commentary, thank you very much! And have been for a while! Or have you forgetten those very RAD pix from the Art Show of one G. Vaine late last summer!?!? I don't THINK those were staged!!

mmm-hmmm! (snap, snap)

I love you, and am also attempting to scan and send you this great picture I have from Burma (ca. 1995) when the Illegally Ousted and Unjustly Arrested True Leader and Hero of the People, one AUNG SAN SOO KYI (daughter of Burma's hero in the Fight for Freedom Against Great Britain)- spoke at a popular rally, where all righteous and loving Burmese citizens came to show their support despite the fear of death and torture at the hands of Ne Win's EVIL MILITARY JUNTA!!!!!.....wait - where the hell is my soapbox....Ah! (scrape, scrape)

AND WHERE WAS THE U.S. THEN?

Oh- right- Shell and Chevron and United Bank of California, (etc, etc, etc) were too busy being major investors in Burma to actually realize there was A WHOLE NATION of INNOCENTS being KILLED and TORTURED under their noses!!! No - no need for a WAR FOR PEACE over there! yeah- just checking! mmm-hmm!


Sorry- I ate all the brownies, and brought the rest to Kim's house on Sunday...I could always make more though...it was funny- everyone would
go to eat a brownie, and then stop and ask me if there was "anything else" in the "brownies"! (why do our friends only do that to me???)

love you, talk to you soon!

me

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today is miss tiffany's nineteenth birthday.

lots of people write me. some chat with me. almost everyone is nice to me.

im not sure, but i think i like conversing the best with girls. for the most part the girls are nicer than the boys. i like nice people.

then i like talking with people here in LA the most too cuz then we have that in common.

well tiffany is a nice girl. she lives in irvine and goes to school at uci like dan the goose and ashleys roommates. only beautiful people become anteaters, it seems.

i like the way that tiffany writes. she had two blogs but now only one.

i like her pictures and her design. it seems like girls typically have way better design then boys.

i also like it when people have no fear telling us their deepest thoughts and ideas about their life. i like it when people let us inside their little secret world. and tiffany isnt too worried, it seems, about letting us in.

when she goes on vacation, tiffany drives right past my house and when she does she beeps her horn and waves.

if im home i wave back.

the other day she beeped and i saw she had a trail of balloons flying from the back of her convertible and it was sweet.

when i was turning 19, i was chasing a punk rock girl who wasnt sure if she wanted me or not. turned out she did, but neither of us found that out till i was 21.

anyway, happy birthday tiffany. i hope you had a great day today!! the only thing that could get me to blog on the day of rest is your big day.

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