in case you missed it, the secretary of defense donald rumsfield got his righteous ass handed to him on capital hill yesterday.

and if you missed it, you're not alone.

matt drudge, blogger and towel boy to the right took the day off to get his kneepads restuffed apparently because if you go to his blog today all you see is a headline saying "More Photos, Videos Coming" linking a 6 1/2 paragraph breif of the 3-hour drubbing the senate armed services committee delivered onto the architect of americas last two "wars."

but drudge isnt the only one to ignore what some reporters called the most fascinating testimony they'd heard in 20+ years of covering american politics.

instapundit called in sick but his blog ads to the new republic and "say no to daschle's gang" kept on blinking. although this morning he did have enough strength to get a jab in on michael moore.

the new republic's blog "a daily journal of politics" didnt even blog yesterday... for some reason. maybe they have a new definition of daily.

sgt. stryker's only post was a link to timmers weekend caption contest which is a picture of sen. kerry shaking a young boy's hand.

josh marshall completely missed the boat by becoming distracted by joe leiberman's opening buffonary, but he did remind us about a long peice of fluff the defense secretary did for the washington post on 1/29/01 where he wrote, "In the execution of presidential decisions work to be true to his views, in fact and tone. If you foul up, tell the president and correct it fast. Delay only compounds mistakes."

and since it metafilter is so paranoid about turning into newsfilter they completely ignored it. cuz theyre too damn cool for news.

this was a day where in the morning the new york times ed board said simply "Donald Rumsfeld Should Go" that afternoon the Washington Post's editoral board wrote a little bit called "An Inadequate Response," and the day before the Economists cover story was titled Resign, Rumsfeld.

so wtf, a-list political blogs? the secretary of defense gets berated in an allstar gangbang of bitchslaps from ted kennedy to hillary to even libby dole the post and the times and if people clicked around the blogosphere this morning you'd think that nothing necessarilly out of the ordinary went down in dc yesterday.

scooped by quote unquote journalists?

are you all on the fucking take?

all of you?

say it aint so glenn.

fucking wonkette got it right three fucking times yesterday and shes a fucking girl.

the blogosphere is in very deep shit when the fucking busblog has to deliver the goods on whats happening in washington dc. ive got teenagers to date.

instalinker really must be sick because today he sends us to donald sensing cuz his boy said rumsfeld did a good job yesterday.

really? a good job?

the secretary of defense had information in january that us military personel were abusing iraqi prisoners of war in a way that most americans deem vile, outrageous, and unamerican. only after the pictures came out did rumsfeld say anything. before that he didnt tell the president, didnt tell the congress, and didnt tell america.

he sat on it as someone who was responsible for it would sit on it.

just like all the a-list bloggers are doing, weirdly.

the best summary of the asswhipping Rummy & Co. got could be best encapsulated during an exchange near the end of the proceedings surrounding the curious moment when Gen. Richard B. Myers, Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff discussed finding out that 60 Minutes was going to do a story on it and asking them to delay the broadcast.

MEYERS: I called CBS to ask them to delay the pictures showing on CBS's "60 Minutes" because I thought it would result in direct harm...

Sen. Mark Dayton (D-Minn.): Mr. Secretary, is that standard procedure for the military command of this country to try to suppress a news report at the highest level?

MYERS: It didn't -- let me just -- Senator Dayton, this is a serious allegation...

DAYTON: Sure is.

MYERS: ... and it's absolutely -- the context of your question, I believe, is wrong.

DAYTON: I understand the context, General, you...

MYERS: Let me just...

DAYTON: ... told us the context earlier. I have very limited time, sir.

(CROSSTALK)

MYERS: I want to take as much time as we need to straighten this out.

This report -- the report was already out there, the news was out there about the abuse...

DAYTON: General, if the news had been out there and we had all known about it...

(CROSSTALK)

Sen. John W. Warner (R-Va). (Chairman): Senator, I ask that the witness be allowed to respond to your question. They're very important questions.

General, would you proceed?

MYERS: Thank you, sir.

Thank you, Senator Dayton.

This was not to suppress anything. What I asked CBS News to do was to delay the release of the pictures, given the current situation in Iraq, which was as bad as it had been since major combat ended, because I thought it bring direct harm to our troops; it would kill our troops.

We talked about it, and I said, "I know this report will eventually come out. But this -- if you can delay it for some period of time -- it would be helpful."

DAYTON: What period of time is that?

MYERS: I did it based on talking to General Abizaid and his worry was like mine, and he convinced me that this was the right thing to do. There was no -- this report has been around since January. What was new were the pictures. I asked for the pictures to be delayed.

DAYTON: Did you discuss delaying -- calling CBS to ask them to delay their report, with the secretary of defense, or the vice president or the president?

MYERS: Of course not.

DAYTON: None of those.

MYERS: Of course not.

DAYTON: I would just say, General -- and I agree with your assessment of the consequences of this on our troops, and that's the great tragedy of this, but attempts to suppress news reports, to withhold the truth from Congress and from the American people is antithetical to democracy.

MYERS: You bet it is. And that's not what we were doing.

DAYTON: And whatever the intentions may be, sir, the result is always the same. And it's, I think, terribly tragic that the president, who wants to expand democracy around the world, by actions of his own administration is undermining that democracy in the United States.

DAYTON: That's always the result when people try to control information, delay it, manage it and suppress it, it has that result. It's antithetical to a democracy.

RUMSFELD: May I speak a minute, Mr. Senator?

Throughout the history of this country, there have been instances where military situations have existed that have led government to talk to members of the media and make an editorial request of them that they delay for some period disclosing some piece of information. It is not against our history. It is not against our principles. It is not suppression of the news. And it's a misunderstanding of the situation to say it is.

DAYTON: It is against our principles. It's against our principles when you come before 40 to 45 members of the Senate three hours before that news report is going to occur and don't mention one word about it, sir.

That is antithetical to democracy and the Constitution, which has the Senate and the House as co-equal responsibility for this country.

I want to just ask about the escalation of American forces, sir. You're bringing in, in response to all of this -- and this is also important. This is the future of this nation and the people who are over there.

You're increasing the number of forces, the number of tanks over there. How can this have anything to do but to escalate the level of violence, the opposition of Iraqis, intensify the hatred across the Arab world to the United States, and more atrocities? How can this have any result other than to put us deeper into this situation and make the conditions there worse for our forces and for our nation and for the world?

which was only topped by this earlier salvo between Republican Lindsey Graham (R - S.C.), and the unfortunate general.

GRAHAM: At that time, is it fair to say you knew there was a story about to come out that was going to create a real problem for us?

MYERS: At that time, what my concern was was the impact it could have on our forces in Iraq. That was my focus at the time, was, "OK, if these photos are revealed right now, given the intensity of operations, what could be that impact on our troops?"

And my conclusion was this would be the worst of all possible times for these to come forward, realizing that eventually they're going to come forward; I understand that.

GRAHAM: Did you feel the need to inform the Congress or the president or the secretary of defense about the potential damage this could do?

MYERS: We had discussed the potential damage back in January, and in February and in March. And as we marched through those events on that chart, a lot of those events were based on our concern with where this might lead. In other words, is there a...

WARNER: We just need to -- could you use the microphone, General, we're missing some of your...

MYERS: OK.

GRAHAM: Long story short, I do trust the people in uniform to get it right. And I want to take the time necessary to make sure the people responsible are brought to justice and anybody innocently accused has their day in court.

You're right, Secretary Rumsfeld.

Here's the problem: It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the explosive nature of these photos apart from court-martial, apart from legal proceedings. And most of us here found out about it on television. And if we knew enough to say, "Don't air a show that's going to be bad," why did we not call the president, call senior members of Congress to prepare us for what we were eventually going to see? That's the essence of my concern about all this.

get well soon, prof. reynolds.

:)

the transcript of the rumsfield hearing + video of protesters who got into the hearings + dan from real world miami arrested in xxx movie theatre and wrote a very funny post about it in his blog

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franny and others have asked why i think i can put pictures of what karisa calls "thin" young women on the busblog, and simultaneously berate women for constantly being obsessed with their bodies.

easy.

just because you see pictures of models or actresses or sports people or politicians in a blog or a magazine or on tv or on a billboard doesnt mean that you have to a)feel bad about yourself b)run out and try to look just like those people c)quit eating foods that you like.

unless your goal, of course, is to be a billboard model.

i put pictures of lots of people on this blog. i put friends up here, i put sports heroes, i put pictures of monkeys on here.

i put tons of pics of george bush up here and i dont see one person saying, "the media through its proliferation of photographs of the commander and cheif have forced me to enter my name to run for the president of the united states."

they dont say it because it would be ridiculous.

i started a little thing called Lick Magazine a while back and this year i brought it back.

one of the beauties about it is that it's not only written and designed exclusively by women, but it's anonymous.

im quite aware that readers project ideas on writing when they think that the author is "hot", similarilly, they might ignore good writing if they judge an author as not being hot. this is also ridiculous.

as much as i love raymi's favorite blog, madpony.com, it is safe to assume that they might not be getting 1,300+ hits a day (even though they havent updated in nearly a month) solely because of the insightful, humorous, and tight writing. some of their popularity might be due to the fact that both the madpony sisters are relatively attractive young women.

ridiculous.

Lick is anonymous for many reasons, primarilly because when authors can write with the freedom of anonymity they might write freer, and therefore, better. but also because when there's not a name attatched theres also no baggage and the writing simply gets read for what it is.

Lick is not like life.

in life we do judge people and things by their appearances.

sometimes we judge positively based on what the worldview of what "pretty" or "hot" or "sexy" is. i invite you to determine your own realms of beauty and celebrate them and ignore the trends made up by fat old men of madison avenue and their kin.

and i also suggest that if you see me putting pictures of the olsen twins on this blog, perhaps im doing it sarcastically, cuz thats probably the case.

earlier this week i raved about the pixies and implied that i was sexually attracted to the far-from-anorexic kim deal. in the comments my words were echoed by a male reader. neither of us were being sarcastic.

later in the week i gave out some sex secrets that i learned from my former girlfriend, tennis star anna kournikova who looks nothing like kim deal.

this should tell you something about the nature of men. we like all sorts of people. and some of us are attracted to a wider variety than some would expect.

the easiest picture i could put up on the busblog is one of a bikini girl sipping a marguerita from a straw. sometimes i put a picture like that up to get people to stay on my page for one more second, sometimes i put a picture like that up to titilate the baser desires of my highschoolboy readership, sometimes i put a picture like that up because it's a ridiculous image.

if you, dear reader, judge yourself based on what pictures i put up, youre in very deep doo-doo because there might be a day when clown suits become all the vogue and where will you be without your chanel red rubber nose?

heres my advice: be yourself. quit hanging out with people who judge you positively or negatively because of your appearance. in the same sence, quit judging people by their outward appearance. look at people's hearts, their acts, their ways, their beliefs.

i wear wrinkled ugly clothes that my mother buys me at target. i have a gut that sticks out and i call it my baby. i wear the same pair of shoes every day. i eat what i want.

i suggest that its different for boys because boys demand that it be different for boys.

but kim deal proves that there are exceptions.

i cannot implore to you more this one plea: in every aspect of your life be the exception

and quit listening to the demons in your head as they convince you that you are anything other than beautiful.

the detox + sex and depression + lil mija

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the week in rock in la

tonight 5/7
andrew w.k., el rey
megan mullaly, knitting factory
dan band, avalon
snow patrol, ameoba (free)

tomorrow 5/8
einsturzende neubauten, el rey
megan mullaly, knitting factory
lazy cowgirls, thunderbird
john hammond, mccabes
mary j. blige, universal

sunday 5/9
chris pierce, little temple
the constantines, spaceland

monday 5/10
danger mouse, amoeba (free)
ben lee, the hotel cafe

tuesday 5/11
slipknot + fear factory, universal
the mooney suzuki, roxy
bryan adams, wiltern

wednesday 5/12
TSAR - SPACELAND 9PM sharp
graham parker, knitting factory

thursday 5/13
the mars volta, wiltern

after the debauchery + tina give tips to men + spit circle

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wanna know what the voice of the republican party said about the pictures of the american soldiers humiliating iraqi soldiers?

you know the ones, the naked guys tied up with bags over their heads forced to pose in homosexual poses?

Mr. Rush Limbaugh said, "This is no different than what happens at the skull and bones initiation and we're going to ruin people's lives over it and we're going to hamper our military effort, and then we are going to really hammer them because they had a good time. You know, these people are being fired at every day. I'm talking about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional release? You ever need to blow some steam off?"

and this is what tony pierce has to say

if the democrats cannot regain the whitehouse against perhaps the most worthless jackass of a president ever

during a time when rush limbaugh is self destructing before our very eyes

while the country is trillions of dollars in the hole

with gasoline prices soaring

and censorship spreading like communism

and a war spiraling out of control with no end in sight

then the democratic party needs to decide to go the way of the whigs.

i cannot imagine a more easy choice in november than to kick george bush off american idol, and if no one wants to be the simon cowell and cross their arms and say

dreadful

dreadful

dreadful

in a way that people get it, and agree, then the democrats dont deserve to exist any more

cuz this should be a cakewalk.

and rush limbaugh knows it

which is why he's falling apart like a bitch.

sk smith + states with higher iq's vote democrat + sean bonner

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Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
heard. A guy went in for a drink and they charged his ass off. both - south of no north, bukowski

Now try again with a second book:
answers - give us the intelligence to support those answers." - the five biggest lies bush told us about iraq

Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
a cover of Stuff Magazine from november 2001 with brooke burke on the cover

If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
a pepperoni pizza, extra large.

Tell me something about you that I don't know.
i had to spend an extra six months in junior college because my history teacher said i couldn't write an essay. and she was right.

Do you name your vehicles? What are the name(s)?:
only girls do that shit.

What are the last films you saw?
kill bill 2 + the hairdressers husband + the basketball diaries

What time is it?
1:44am

Name as it appears on birth certificate:
Sonny I. LaVista

Nicknames:
loc, which i dont like
tp3, which just reminds me of high school

Number of candles on your last birthday:
so many

First Pet:
angela romano, over the sweater

Hair color:
i have 1mm of jet black stubble

Favorite restaurant:
m&m's on crenshaw and mlk

Favorite flower:
the asian one on playboy's nightcalls 411

Favorite non-alcoholic drink:
cherry coke

Disney or Warner Bros:
todd francis

Favorite fast food restaurant:
jack in the crack

What color is your bedroom carpet?
oriental from ikea, $49

whom did you get your last e-mail from?
zulieka, because i dont check anything other than my busblog at gmail account nowadays

What do you do most often when you are bored?
i havent been bored in years

Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
credit cards are against the bible

Most annoying thing people ask me:
when are you going to quit the xbi and get a real job?

Bedtime:
2am if i dont lay on the couch and watch tv, midnight if i do.

Town you live in:
hollywood, california, two of the greatest places i could think of

Favorite TV shows?
sopranos, pardon the interruption, real world, howard stern show, best week ever

Last person you went out to dinner with:
karisa and her friends

What are you listening to right now?
my keyboard keys clacking happilly

How do you take your coffee?
fuck coffee

Morning or Nighttime person?
i write better in the morning

Where you plan to vacation next?
hopefully new york, otherwise anywhere with a hot tub

How many partners have you got it on with this year?
two.

Last cds you downloaded
d-12: d-12 world, talking heads: remain in the light,

Person you stole this from
flagrant, who rules

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everything i ever wanted to know about sex i learned from anna kournikova.

start with the hair. pull it. yank it. and when you do it bite at the neck like youre pissed off at something. if you cant think of anything to be pissed off about think about who is actually biting anna kournikova's neck. that should do the trick.

next learn how to breathe. breathe on the off beats. if you'd normally breathe out when you push, breathe in. if you breathe around her ear or shoulders she might even like it. when in doubt go faster.

dont forget to think about anything except fucking. think about the fcc think about flags waving think about library stacks think about leaves blowing around. think about burn victim rooms. think about anything other than the hottie whos hair youre pulling.

nuzzle the nuzzable areas, pinch the pointy bits, bite the tounge when she shoves it at you.

yank the fuzzy kitty cat collar.

now learn how to talk dirty. you should have learned about this when you had phone sex early in the relationship. phone sex is vital, kids. vital. you get to learn boundaries you get to learn what the russian tennis star likes. you get to learn the vocabulary that she enjoys. you get to learn her turnons and turnoffs before she becomes a centerfold. and most of all you get to find out if she likes being called a filthy little whore or a dirty fucking slut. details my friends, details.

saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can ruin everything. dont learn this the hard way cuz no one wants to read about your victim stories. deliver us tales of triumph and tell us about how you made her see colors blindfolded.

pull out your boy scout guidebooks and relearn how to tie knots. theres a reason why theyre the foundation of american life, and its not because we all have 30 foot sailboats.

for some of ours are bigger.

learn to spank, learn to lick, learn to kiss. in that order.

become aware of the biology of the most intimate of the feminine of areas. recall your days as a paperboy and stop at every landmark and deliver the paper with your tounge. learn to eat and enjoy eating pussy like it's the center of life.

apreciate the tastes the aromas the magic the majesty the folds the textures and the flavours and if you cant learn how to fake it. my advice: dont fake it.

and if you cant write about it or talk about it or blog about it youre kidding yourself if you think you can finger it.

spend far too much time down there.

ask yourself if youve ever heard this statement in passing at the trader joe's: i really loved him but he ate me out too much.

and as in most things, learn how to use the left hand.

back to fucking. remember they call it fucking.

remind everyone that youre an animal. remember you were born with hair all over you, a desire to play with your food, and opposible thumbs. remember that you were born the stronger one and the bigger one and the rougher one. be strong be rough be tough. leave being gentle for fairies and conservatives. its two thousand and four, if they wanted to make out with a girl, theyd make out with a girl.

fuck like the cops are coming. come like you dodged em.

lift her and defy gravity. let the wall get some and the carpet. ruin the suede loveseat, wax the tabletops and use science against her. light the roof on fire and let that motherfucker burn.

after you threaten the ass, growl. remind her what to tell her girlfriends. tell her precisely what to feel.

fuck like how youd play guitar if you could actually play guitar: hard fast and all night.

lift weights do curls pushup and pullup. not so that you'll look good in a speedo, sexy, but so you can lift her up and do it right there in her best friend's closet when everyone is in the backyard playing drunken twister like theyre edgy.

look that dirty girl in the eye dont kisser and thank me cuz not only can you last cuz youve practiced your breathing but you can hold her up cuz youre in shape. shape magazine doesnt tell you why you want to be in shape but now you know the rest of the story old man.

some say you cant slap her ass too much.

she is a very bad girl after all.

and a bitch

and a secret ho

and a little tramp who's spoiled

and pretty and

far too pampered in daddys condo in redondo

which all deserve a slap. not like youre used to. a hard one. a good one.

several good ones.

and then tell her how good that ass looks since no chick is happy with their ass.

love her ass.

as ive loved you.

dirty fez + fat free milk + houseplant

# | |

one of the oddities of being me is that i often find myself lunching with some of the hottest chicks in hollywood.

while the women that i have had the pleasure of dining with last night ordered their atkins-friendly meals and discussed how trimspa was different than slimfast and how one gym was better than another gym, i found myself in a familiar situation as somehow the discussion usually gets directed toward me as im either the sole male at the table or the least likely to be politically correct.

last night at karisas birthday dinner i had to lay it out in the really-real manner that you have all become familiar with.

i looked at the ladies of the table and i said, you girls need to learn a few things about men.

there are no longer "leg men" or "breast men" or guys who like eyes. there are only vagina men. we like pussy and we like it as much as we can get it.

one young woman nearly dropped her grilled chicken with nofat dressing on top.

heres what you need to learn: not how many carbs are in a slice of pizza, but how to suck a cock and act like the fountain of youth is in our nads. you need to learn how to not start fights over minute little bullshit, you need to learn how to talk dirty and you need to learn how to cook.

(similarilly dudes need to learn how to go down on a girl and how to fuck with a capital f.)

fuck this bullshit catty madeup competition with other women about who has better clothes, fancier purses, and more successful men. learn how to appreciate the pick n roll, the glory of steak and eggs, and the spontenaity of road head.

los angeles and specifically hollywood is the only town other than possibly new york where you could seriously find a table of 3-4 extremely beautiful women who in their hearts are not happy with their looks and therefore unsatisfied with themselves because of some unattainable physical goal that theyve convinced themselves that can be reached.

the belief is, once theyve starved themselves into the size zilch lil black dress they will feel better about themselves, the men will come pouring out of the woodwork, the women will be jealous and envious, and everyone will want to either hire them love them or want to befriend them.

even though every size zero woman in hollywood is villified worse than slow drivers in the fast lane dialing up their shrinks on their cellphones.

"you know she binges and purges," they whisper. "eat much?" they sneer. "i didnt know lara flynn has an Older sister," they hiss.

one reason i love karisa is she doesnt buy into that crap which is why she smiled at me when i was explaining to the girls that in order to love yourself you need to forget about these bizarre beliefs about bodytypes and start dating black men exclusively.

karisa might have it easier because she likes to run in the mountains and is addicted to Abs of Steel and only dates guys who appreciates a little meat on the bones. karisa could use a little more junk in the trunk to some tastes but shes a great cook so i let it slide.

first thing women need to do is quit competing with other women. whats the point? and how does anyone know who won?

what ever happened to bake-offs?

next thing women need to do is wear shorter skirts. everything is forgiven in a short skirt. the fatter you grow the shorter your skirt needs to be. i live in a latino portion of hollywood. trust me when i tell you that the above theory works in practice.

probably the most important thing that the modern woman needs to do is quit dating guys who flinch at cellulite, belly rolls, or wrinkles. not only are those guys probably gay and should just come out of the closet like tom cruise is about to, but theyre just going to dump you once you go up a dress size. why should they get rewarded with the hotties as they do the dance of denial?

finally the young women of america need to learn how to cook. and cook their asses off. everyone knows that sex naturally leaves relationships the longer that the union is together, but eating is a constant. if you dont want to eat breads and rices and beans and fatty foods, the best way to control it is to make healthy meals yourself and then feed them to your man who will be yours forever.

centerpoint + insIDEAmind + tina

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tony: happy birthday karisa!!

karisa: thank you, tony!
karisa: i loved your story on your website :-)
karisa: thank you!

tony: you did?!
tony: good
tony: i was hoping you wouldnt hate it

karisa: haha- not at all!
karisa: that pic is wicked funny.

tony: when i think of you, thats normally the spirit that i think of

karisa: haha- good!
karisa: that makes me happy.

tony: can i interview you quickly for the blog?

karisa: what are you going to ask?

tony: simple things

karisa: ok- it is going to be a slow day- so you can interview me if you would like.

tony: yay!
tony: now that youre 80 years old
tony: what was your favorite memory of being 79?

karisa: hmmmm....
karisa: well, there were a few things!
karisa: falling in love with my hot boyfriend....
karisa: getting the drunkest ever in mass and taking a limo to boston to see the red sox- and later dancing on tables and running through fountains and body shots....
karisa: seeing my bro get married...

tony: very nice
tony: how many times (approximately) have you been in vegas over the last 122 months?

karisa: at least 30 (that i can remember)...
karisa: maybe 35....
karisa: but some trips could count as two ;-)

tony: cuz you partied that hard?

karisa: haha- yeah. or just got to do so many amazing things during one trip.

tony: is hard rock still your favorite place to party there?

karisa: i like the hard rock- and it has a cool vibe- but i think the most important thing is who you are partying with and what you make of it when you are there.

tony: is ghost bar still the coolest bar there?

karisa: haha- no- it is only cool if your company rents it out and it is free and 'no-hassle' to get in. 'rain' is very cool- but you have to work major magic for entry!
karisa: any club that you can work your way into (jumping the long lines) is cool ;-)

tony: what was the best book you read this year?

karisa: middlesex was very cool b/c it was so well written... 'wicked' was fun until the end.... when i think the author got bored and just stopped lending to the story.... i really liked voltaire too.... i really liked so many books this year that i read... it is hard to say in one sentence!

tony: did last year convince you that the red sox are truly cursed?

karisa: no. that was strictly bad coaching on grady little's part. we SHOULD have won that game. i think it was fixed ;-) since my bro has 1918 tatooed on his arm now- i think this will be the year ;-)

tony: should grady have been fired?

karisa: yes.
karisa: definitely.

tony: your close friends know about your aversion to blood... will you ever see the Passion of the Christ?
tony: will you rent it?

karisa: i get queasy watching south park the other night. and that is a cartoon.

tony: damn, i didnt know it was that bad
tony: did they have fake blood?

karisa: haha- i hope it wasn't real! ;-)

tony: but it was a bloody scene?

karisa: just they typical kenny slaughter.

tony: ahahaha
tony: what are your top two goals for this year?
tony: other than see me nude
tony: again

karisa: hahah! well, aside from that.... ;-) that is a lot to think about....

tony: maybe youre life is perfect all of a sudden?

karisa: some lady stopped me on hollywood blvd on friday and was doing a survey.... and she asked me my biggest fear in life....
karisa: which i told her was too loaded of a question for my friday afternoon!
karisa: i don't know if i have any goals. i want things.... i guess.
karisa: i want to see my family in vegas in a couple of weeks....
karisa: i want to go to new york this summer.....
karisa: i want to run everyday and wear a bikini at the beach (and look good in it)...
karisa: i want to take some classes...
karisa: i want to write to my friends more...
karisa: i want to be able to save even $5.....
karisa: are those goals, btw?

tony: yes
tony: good ones too

karisa: i don't even know how to define them anymore!

tony: i suddenly have a new goal of seeing you look "good" in a bikini this summer now too

karisa: haha- whatever! ;-)

tony: other than the busblog, what other websites/blogs do you frequent daily?

karisa: websites???

tony: yes
tony: thats the last question

karisa: i have a lot of 'free time' at work so i could literally name about 500.....
karisa: but here are the top ones....
karisa: cnn.com
karisa: iwon.com
karisa: gawker.com
karisa: drudgereport.com (i know, i know)

tony: i hate you
tony: :-)

karisa: gothamist.com
karisa: theonion.com (on tuesdays)
karisa: nbc4.tv

tony: one final last quesiton

tony: judging from the new beastie boys single
tony: how do you think the new record will be?

karisa: i love the beasties- and i don't want to talk smack at all... i think that if they bring it back to the old school that it will be awesome ;-)

tony: thank you for your time karisa. happy 81th birthday?

karisa: my pleasure, tony baloney ;-)

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i lost a bet and had to be karisas friend in the spring of 1998. i coulda won a lowered chevy citation, but you wont hear me complaining. born on a pontoon boat off frisco, i first met karisa at the dairy queen in mundelion. she worked the drive thru. she kicked ass at dipping your cone into the chocolate sauce and getting it hard real fast.

certified genius and future farmer of america karisa is the oldest of nine girls each born two years apart from the next.

her youngest sister is ten.

when i first saw her i have to admit, i thought, i could make a ton of money off that shit. but i was lazy and illprepared. she has a photogentic memory, the liver of a bear, the nerve of a backyard possum, and the strength of a nasty fart. but shes quick on her feet and knows eight languages so i keep her around in case i need verification that someone called me an asshole in mandarin.

people ask all the time and since im now married i can tell the truth and admit that yes ive kissed karisa three times.

the first time was the night that the patriots were handed that snowy playoff game at foxburough. i had 50 bucks on the raiders and i was forced to pay up but i didnt have the money so they made me kiss karisa who had been eating philly cheesesteaks with extra onions throughout the fourth quarter. this was during the time that she was smoking a pack of marlboro reds a day. more when she was drinking. right before she puckered up someone handed her a toasty warm slice of garlic bread. truth is more pungent than fiction.

after the count reached ten she removed her tounge from my mouth and a tear rolled down my face and they said dont cry the raiders will come back next year but it was the onions. onions always make me cry. i spit a tiny one at the tv and dabbed at my face with a viva.

you know that shit was a fumble.

afterward she kissed my cheek and whispered that the raiders just sucked and i needed to deal with it. and then she threw me into pool.

the final time we kissed was in a cab ride coming home from marc browns house after the zwan show on four twenty of last year. we were drunk off our ass cuz the mc had just tossed a rager and she and i drained every bottle of champagne in the house and i had done some damage on the captain morgans singlehandedly.

we were sliding around the backseat of the cab as he screeched around the corners of hollywood driving as fast as humanly possible and on the long stretch up vermont into the griffth park hills of her hideaway we realized that we'd known each other all these years and we hadnt really kissed. ever. not real ones at least.

neither of us wanted to do it. what if it ruined our perfect friendship. what if it came to the surface during an xbi mindreading. what if she, like all the others, fell in love with me and could no longer be trusted or counted on as a peer.

and before we could talk ourselves out of it our dude took a quick turn and we slid into each others arms and went for it.

and if i wasnt so fucked up that night perhaps i could tell you if it was any good.

which is maybe why i dont drink any more.

and maybe why karisa is always trying to get me wasted.

happy birthday rock idol home improver beastie girler do it yourselfer off road driver ms pacman loser.

maybe one day you'll shed your shyness learn how to hold your booze and let your hair down.

until then i promise to keep photoshopping your pics so you look halfway hot.

happy birthday karisa, thanks for hanging in there with me

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Ed. - rarely do i do this, but sometimes i will cut and paste an article in its entirety.

today the paper of record got off its ass and called out the fcc for censoring howard stern and fla fla flowey.

EDITORIAL OBSERVER
Fighting for Free Speech Means Fighting for . . . Howard Stern
By ADAM COHEN
New York Times
May 3, 2004

Legal rulings about indecency have a way of quickly slipping into ridiculousness, and so it is with the Federal Communications Commission's recent decision imposing $495,000 in fines on Clear Channel for broadcasting an episode of the Howard Stern show. The F.C.C.'s opinion focuses on a program in which the self-proclaimed "King of All Media" interviewed the inventor of "Sphincterine," which the commission huffily calls a "purported personal hygiene product." A key factor in its analysis, duly noted in its "Notice of Apparent Liability for Forfeiture," was that the segment contained "repeated flatulence sound effects."

Call it the whoopee cushion doctrine. It is hard to believe that the government now regards flatulence jokes, the lamest staple of gag gift stores, as grounds for taking away a broadcast license. But since Janet Jackson's unfortunate wardrobe malfunction, the F.C.C. has been furiously rewriting the rules. Another edict holds that broadcasters can lose their licenses even for "isolated or fleeting" swear words, a doctrine arising from a single gerund uttered at the 2003 Golden Globes.

Don't bother calling the commissioners philistines � they do it themselves. In the Golden Globe ruling, they admit their definition could put D. H. Lawrence and James Joyce off limits. Not surprisingly, though, the F.C.C. has started with Mr. Stern. He has long been a favorite target; more than half of the $4.5 million in fines the F.C.C. has imposed since 1990 has been on him. The payments were once just overhead for his highly profitable show, but with the fines soaring, and broadcast licenses at far greater risk, the economics are dramatically changed. After the $495,000 fine, Clear Channel dropped Mr. Stern from its six stations. He remains on 35 other stations, but no one can say for how long.

It would be hard to quarrel with a broadcaster that dropped Mr. Stern on grounds of taste. Turn on his show or pick up his biography, "Private Parts," and choose your reason, from his peculiar fascination with the sex lives of dwarves to his on-air interrogation of his mother about her sex life. But government fines, not high standards, spurred Clear Channel.

It is Mr. Stern's offensiveness that makes his cause so important. The F.C.C. is using his unpopularity as cover for a whole new approach that throws out decades of free-speech law. The talk right now is over the colorful battles between Mr. Stern and Michael Powell, the head of the F.C.C. But when the headlines fade, the censorious new regime will apply to everyone. The danger it poses to the culture is real.

On March 18, the F.C.C. issued orders that spell out, as the commission puts it, "a new approach." Some of the standards are objectionable on their face. The F.C.C.'s inclusion of "profanity," which it concedes is often synonymous with "blasphemy," means, a coalition of civil liberties groups, media organizations and artists points out, that "the most commonplace of divine imprecations, such as 'Go to Hell' or 'God damn it,' are now actionable."

As disturbing as the new rules, however, is the F.C.C.'s warning that it does not intend to hold itself to any specific definitions of indecency. The commission states, at the end of a list of vague categories of forbidden speech, that it will "analyze other potentially profane words or phrases on a case-by-case basis."

While making its criteria hopelessly vague, the F.C.C. is removing longstanding protections that give speakers breathing room. While the law has long said that violations must be "repeated" before a penalty can be imposed, the F.C.C. now says an isolated incident is enough. Instead of requiring that offenses be "willful," the new rules hold that a broadcaster's good-faith efforts to understand highly subjective standards are "irrelevant" to whether it will be punished.

This new legal landscape will stifle important artistic expression, since broadcasters will be afraid of wandering too close to an essentially undefined line. It also raises a real danger that indecency will be used to stifle political dissent. Among the comments Mr. Stern is in trouble for are a schoolyard epithet used about President Bush and another aimed at a Republican congresswoman.

The combination of unknowable rules and draconian penalties is already having a chilling effect. There are reports of radio stations banning classic songs like Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side" and Elton John's "The Bitch is Back." The television show "ER" recently edited out a brief shot of the exposed breast of an 80-year-old hospital patient. And the satirist Sandra Tsing Loh was fired by a public radio station when an engineer failed to bleep out various words that were meant to be bleeped for comic effect.

Even Mr. Stern has been transformed by recent events. He now regularly talks about the F.C.C. on his show, and his Web site has a quotation from Supreme Court Justice William Brennan, discussions of the presidential election and voter registration information. More uplifting content than usual, but it is taking Mr. Stern's time and energy away from sphincters, flatulence and all the other vulgarities he has a constitutional right to obsess about.

buzzmachine + no matt0 + tiffany went to coachella

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its a beautiful morning in hollywood. its always beautiful when you get to wake up with a pretty girl who goes down on you, lets you flip her over, and like wise you roll off the bed and act like animals as liz phair plays and the sun shines and the ceiling fan twirls and the sheets tangle and the birds chirp.

no way do i want to go to work today. no way is that girl topless right now pulling on her jeans and buckling her trendy white belt. no way will i be working for the xbi in two to three months.

i had a great long weekend. on thursday i got to teach at the greatest classroom in america. on friday i saw the pixies and had my mind blown. on saturday a gorgeous young woman made me a madras and sprinkled some ecstasy in there and i told her that i was feeling sick and she told me what it was and i was all, you..... and i smiled and she said what can i get you and i said just give me a second to shower and right there in the shower it came on and we walked to the grocery store for eight cans of whipped cream gummy bears and popscicles. we only remembered the nitrous. on sunday she left me a worn out mess flopped on the couch barely able to nibble on the french bread from the day before and drinking warm orange juice because it was so hot in hollywood this weekend that everything ended up being warm.

and here i am waiting for her to curl her hair and drive me to work so i can get yelled at for not being the perfect xbi agent that i never was. calgon has taken me away but reality has brought me back and im stronger and happier and better prepared for my departure from this stage of my so called life.

i am seriously as in seriously as in super seriously considering quitting this job and doing that photography experiment where i have a chair on hollywood blvd and a table that has a sign in book and a sign that says no talking and another sign that says smile and a bucket where people will give me $2-$20 depending on how im doing that day.

the xbi's base salary is $25k because they know that we shake down all of the criminals that we catch. most agents make over $100k. because i have a "technical" position of flying chopper one, my base is $30k and i give everything that i shake down to the united negro college fund.

and i live fine.

$30k a day after taxes is $100 a day. which is 30 people saying yes i will let you take my picture here on hollywood blvd in hopes that it might make it into a tony pierce photo essay coffee table book and tipping me $3. thirty people a day on hollywood blvd. i think it can be done. call me crazy but i think it will be fun and easy. call me nuts but i think a tourist family of four would give me $10. call me nuts but i think a couple would give me $5. call me insane but if i got 5 families (5x10) 4 couples (4x5) and 7 randoms (6x3), i would make as much as i do now and it would be creative and fun and interesting.

of course it would also be dangerous since hollywood blvd isnt the safest place and i would have a $1000 camera and maybe maybe maybe a $250 photo printer so that these people would have something to take back home of their trip to hollywood california. and it will be annoying trying to convince all the hobos and crackheads that i cant speak (pointing at a sign that says No talking doesnt mean much when the urchin cant read).

and maybe after 100 pictures i can get a book deal. although i doubt it.

and maybe after 50 picures of celebrities i can sell some to whoever you sell those to, but i doubt that too.

and of course there will be a website called smilenotalking.com where people can set up appointments to get to meet the barely famous blogger who seriously lost his mind when he gave up his career of 3 years and traded in sure money and medical benefits in the name of art.

but you cant always sit around waiting for the man.

sometimes you have to go get him when hes not lookin.

my beautiful wife moxie + vacant + stephanie

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