Dear Sonny,
My co-worker and I are not getting along very well. It is affecting our work. I have told my boss that I would like a transfer but he won't allow it. I have all the skillz that they're looking for in fact I was rookie of the year and I have won many awards. Last year we won the world championship for the first time in ten years. Don't you think some of that was due to me being on the team? Anywayz I want a raise and I want to be the team captain.
Peace, Kobe B.

 

 

 

 

  

Dear Kobe,
I know you. You're the twenty-two year old basketball player who makes more than a hundred thousand dollars a game. You graduated high school and became a Laker. Your coach is one of the coolest coaches ever. You have a new arena, you have the most famous fans, you belong to a glamorous tradition, your cheerleaders are the Laker Girls. even the man who broadcasts your games is a legend. And instead of just enjoying the ride you want to find something wrong with the fact that your center is twenty-nine, seven feet high, three hundred pounds strong and named Shaquille.

You are as dumb as you can possibly be.

You say you want to be a rapper and we all sit
around and humor you but nobody wants to
hear you rap. We barely allow Will Smith to
rap and it's really only the girls who dance to
him and Kobe, when was the last time you put
on a Will Smith album, truly.

You got engaged to your eighteen year old sweetheart and we gasp and we try to stay
silent but some of us fail to. Call us sober.

But now you want to fuck up a blossoming
dynasty because of your ego. There is only one thing that you need to be worrying about - how many rings you can get with Shaq and Phil Jackson before you are thirty because I say you should have 7 and if you get any less than that I blame you for being a pussy ass bitch.

If you liked getting your dick sucked so
much in Italy then why don't you go
back to Italy.

Get seven rings by the time you're
30 and people will call you way
better things than captain. They will
start to call you the greatest. Not
even the white girls are calling you
that right now. fucker.
email + home + cages

 

 

 

 

 

 


this is your job, kobe bryant. you have to lead the nba into the next phase of superstardom, where every team has a kickass player worthy of a sneaker deal. your job is to be the ying to shaqs yang. if you want, you can be the yang, it really doesnt matter. you just cant be both.

see, i went to college. i went to the same college at the same time as your teammate brian shaw. i took a zen class there and i wrote a paper on zen poetry. during my research for my paper i read a proverb that speaks to your struggle. i may have imagined it, ask phil if zen says that it matters. i dont think it does.

"man cannot kiss woman
on left cheek
and right cheek
simultaneously."

my teacher was a dirty old man so i didnt write about that one. but i think it means: when you're open, shoot the big ball in the big hole; when you're not, pass the ball to the big black man. kiss your fiancé when you come home. thank the Lord almighty for your job, it's a good one.

this city lit cop cars on fire after you won it all in june. don't think you couldn't be the next nick van smack, cedric ceballos, vlade, elden campbell or eddie jones. nobody talks or cares about any of them ... any more.