My co-worker and I are not getting along very well. It is affecting
our work. I have told my boss that I would like a transfer but he won't
allow it. I have all the skillz that they're looking for in fact I was
rookie of the year and I have won many awards. Last year we won the
world championship for the first time in ten years. Don't you think
some of that was due to me being on the team? Anywayz I want a raise
and I want to be the team captain.
Peace, Kobe B.
I know you. You're the twenty-two year
old basketball player who makes more than a hundred thousand dollars
a game. You graduated high school and became a Laker. Your coach is
one of the coolest coaches ever. You have a new arena, you have the
most famous fans, you belong to a glamorous tradition, your cheerleaders
are the Laker Girls. even the man who broadcasts your games is a legend.
And instead of just enjoying the ride you want to find something wrong
with the fact that your center is twenty-nine, seven feet high, three
hundred pounds strong and named Shaquille.
You are as dumb as you
can possibly be.
You say you want to be
a rapper and we all sit
around and humor you but nobody wants to
hear you rap. We barely allow Will Smith to
rap and it's really only the girls who dance to
him and Kobe, when was the last time you put
on a Will Smith album, truly.
You got engaged to your
eighteen year old sweetheart and we gasp and we try to stay
silent but some of us fail to. Call us sober.
But now you want to fuck
up a blossoming
dynasty because of your ego. There is only one thing that you need to
be worrying about - how many rings you can get with Shaq and Phil Jackson
before you are thirty because I say you should have 7 and if you get
any less than that I blame you for being a pussy ass bitch.
If you liked getting your
dick sucked so
much in Italy then why don't you go
back to Italy.
Get seven rings by the
30 and people will call you way
better things than captain. They will
start to call you the greatest. Not
even the white girls are calling you
that right now. fucker.
this is your job, kobe bryant. you have
to lead the nba into the next phase of superstardom, where every team
has a kickass player worthy of a sneaker deal. your job is to be the ying
to shaqs yang. if you want, you can be the yang, it really doesnt matter.
you just cant be both.
see, i went to college. i
went to the same college at the same time as your teammate brian shaw.
i took a zen class there and i wrote a paper on zen poetry. during my
research for my paper i read a proverb that speaks to your struggle. i
may have imagined it, ask phil if zen says that it matters. i dont think
"man cannot kiss woman
on left cheek
and right cheek
my teacher was a dirty old
man so i didnt write about that one. but i think it means: when you're
open, shoot the big ball in the big hole; when you're not, pass the ball
to the big black man. kiss your fiancé when you come home. thank
the Lord almighty for your job, it's a good one.
this city lit cop cars on
fire after you won it all in june. don't think you couldn't be the next
nick van smack, cedric ceballos, vlade, elden campbell or eddie jones.
nobody talks or cares about any of them ... any more.