mariah is nervous because shes gonna be on david letterman tonight and shes gonna sing. i teller that she shouldnt be nervous, "you really can sing!" but she says that a lot of freaky bad shit has gone down this year and what if something crazy happens on national tv?

im the worst person to cry to. not cuz i dont care, i do, but im always trying to make jokes and mariah is the easiest person to kid. so i say, "yeah, a light could fall on you, or paul might say something, or one of those dogs from stupid pet tricks might run out and pee on your leg."

she calls me all the time with this and i just make dumb jokes and she laughs at some and gets mad at the others and i dont know why she keeps calling, but the other day she was over and we'd had a long day and we were spooning on the couch watching Howard Stern and she was sorta crying softly and whispering this never ending list of things that have gone wrong in her life and i had just eaten, had a beer, and smoked one of those truly american cigarrettes and i fell asleep on her! and i woke up with her pushing me off of her and her pulling her jeans over these plaid pink panties that allegedly has a matching bra, if you know what i mean.

it's not that i dont care, i do i do. its just that men want to be able to solve problems, not talk about them. if the john is dirty, you clean the john, you dont call your best friend and talk about how it makes you feel.

while i was chasing her i slipped on my runner carpet in my hallway and made a super loud noise. mariah stopped in her tracks, turned around and said, "oh baby, are you okay?"

im okay.