Dear Sonny,
I can't hit my free throws. My team is losing. The young buck wants to leave. I want to leave. My movies suck. My cds suck. The kids aren't buying my jerseys any more. I'm not happy. I went to college for this?
Signed, 34

I know your whole trip. You're the gentle giant. You're the big guy all the little kids
love. You're Shaq Diesel, you're the Shaq Daddy. You're the MVP.
Bull. You were those things. Look around, the honeymoon is over.
Now you're just the guy who can't shoot free throws. What I
would like you to do is point your browser over to eBay
and look at what the kids are paying for Kobe's cards.
I remember back in '93 there was a guy named MJ
playing but your rookie card was going for over $300.
You were the man. You were the next big thing. Well
now Kobe's rookie cards are going for well over $1000
and if you don't think you helped that situation you're
loco. You are still the man. It's time to start being a
man. Crash the boards, fucker. Drive to the hole. The
scariest thing next to two rich niggas with gun permits
is you coming through the lane with a purpose. fucking
a, it's ok to be superman for sixty minutes. be clark kent
on the golf course. there is a time when you are going to
want to have the body that you have now and you will say
i could have done so much more. you don't want that. why
aren't you listening to phil? phil couldnt be in a better spot
for you right now to believe in. he's got his rings, cash,
respect. he only wants the best for you. uh, duh.
what you're going to have to do is be nice to kobe
and your coach and your teammates and be mean to the
rest of the nba. big aristotle, you know what the good
book says about a house divided? it says it's fucked.
this is what i say. let kobe get all the props. you
go home and keep reading and keep editing video
and keep making stupid movies. they say that no
one can truly be loved until they learn to love themself.
now you've made your mama proud by going back to
school. you've made chick and phil happy by
winning it all last year. i say make yourself happy now.
be selfish even. but that is where the selfishness will
end from now on.i will do my part from time to time in
recommending to you and all other struggling free throwers videos that
will inspire you. may i suggest Andrew Blake's Pin-ups 2.
thank me later, sonny.

home + kobe + marci + email

Dear Shaq,
I know you. You are the best center in the NBA. You totally dominated the regular season, playoffs and championships last year. You're also the guy who couldn't get along with Penny in Orlando and who seemed like such a perfect fit in LA. Your movies and cds suck because you are an NBA center, you're not a rapper or an actor. I'm not those things either, and I am also not the best center the Lakers have had since Kareem. I know those are hard shoes to fill, but I thought you had size 22EEE. Shaq, I believe in you. I don't want your jersey because everyone already has your jersey. I see the garbage man wearing it, I see the little babies getting rolled in their strollers wearing it, I see beggars wearing your jersey. They wear it because they love you and they want to be like you. So here is what you are going to have to do. You're gonna have to make that number mean something different. Right now it means how many girls you're gonna do that night -- either 3 or 4. Free throws are all in the wrist buddy, and theres nothing better than 34 minutes of porn a day for what is ailing you in the wrist department. I know you, you are the guy who had as many girls as you've wanted for as long as you've noticed girls. I doubt you've ever had to exercise your wrist in a very long time. But think about who all the best free throw shooters are -- skinny white guys who are only dorkier off the court. They get their 34 minutes all the time, and I am willing to gamble that they get more than that.The next thing that you need to do is get mean.