i know it might seem like i complain a lot in here.
but i can assure you that i am a relatively positive person.

i am positive that i hate doctors.

mariah said, he couldnt have been that bad. i said, girl
he said to me, marijuana can produce a feminine hormone.
you could develop breasts.
i didnt say anything. he didnt say anything.
finally i said, i fucking wish.
then he said no you don't, you could also become impotent
lose your sex drive, and have difficulty performing.
i said doc, if theres one part of my life that theres no problems in
it's that one.
mariah raised her champagne glass. i clinked it against mine.

i told the doctor that i have never weighed 157 pounds in my life.
i said, that is so damn great.
he said, what have you usually weighed? i said, 130, 140 maybe.
i said, but it's cool, i was about to start working out anyway.
he said, some people think, oh i will eat that one extra apple
and then i will run to burn it off. well, it takes 3 miles to burn off an apple.

i said, im not trying to burn anything off.
i want to turn that into something good.

it was then that i heard the cutest snore. nearly a purr.
i looked over and mariah had fallen asleep.
she still had her heels on.

i took the half empty glass of wine off the nightstand
and put a doily under it, tugged on the cord to turn on the ceiling fan
and kissed my hot friend on the cheek
as i turned off the light
and made sure that the door was closed
but open just a crack
like she likes

and as i brushed my teeth i stepped back
away from the sink and mirror
and checked out my titties
just like a retard.