it's nba allstar weekend here in la. and everyone is celebrating magic johnsons contribution to the game.

all i have to say is motherfucker makes us forget that he has AIDS.

he looks better, sounds stronger, looks fatter than ever before.

he doesnt even look like hes aging, let alone dying.

magic johnson played every position in the finals as a rookie including center because kareem got hurt, and the lakers won the championship and now hes beating AIDS.

amazing.

he has a half dozen movie theatres here in LA in the hood.

several starbucks as well.

bought fat burger, the best hamburger chain in LA.

and TGIF!

i wrote a letter to him when i was in college when it was discovered that he got HIV.

im glad they got a tv show together and had jessica simpson sing for him.

im glad they made an ugly statue of him to put infront of staples.

but they should put one in front of the forum too. a better one. a bigger one.

cuz thats where he kicked everybodys ass.

except for that time that mj kicked his ass.

i love you magic.

if i was the mayor, id name the ten the magic johnson freeway.

planet sara + kzug + dc thornton + tina

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dear readers of the busblog,

happy valentines day.

i hope that this day brings you love and happiness and sexiness and smiles. for thats what each of you bring to me every day.

some of you comment. thats nice. some of you write. thats nice. some of you take off your clothes for me and send me the pictures. sometimes thats nice.

some of you have started to write for Lick. that might be the nicest thing of all.

some of you give me money or bid on my auctions or buy my crap. thats unbelieveable.

and then some of you, better still, come over to my house and do some of the most amazing things. thats, well, bizzare. i dont understand any of that one bit. but i love it, and im grateful.

love is all around. and for that im also grateful.

i love living in LA i love living in hollywood i love living near my friends and in the warmth and minutes away from two terribly gorgeous exgirlfriends who continue to love me in ways no one including me can fathom.

i love living in the town that tsar built. punk rock has its own standards of success. no one could refute the sex pistols being successful despite only having one album and one us tour. tsars new record comes out very soon and it'll be interesting if their label does a better job with hyping that record better than they're hyping labelmates the polyphonic spree who are also creative and poppy.

i love being able to get away with murder in just about every aspect of my life except my career.

i love the people who i work with and my view of los angeles.

i love that ive been able to make out with the hottest girls in town.

i love that ive been able to pull off this no car thing.

i love the internet and its free porn and music and movies. thank you mr. gore. yes, this does make up for tipper.

i love you dsl i love you direct tv and tivo for you i must thank the Lord above. thank You thank You thank You.

i want to thank the good people of Captain Morgan's for keeping me stocked up with that spiced shit, i love you all.

i love the wacky kids at Blogger slash Google who made all of this possible. some say the blogging revolution was inevitable and i call bs on that. a Lot of things pre-dated blogging including full blown web sites. but there was something missing in Live Journal and Open Diary and Geocities and aol and message boards and yahoo groups. blogger nailed it, made it easy, were able to handle the periods of success and not implode like whats happening over at friendster. i love what theyve created and im indebted.

i love ebay and paypal and hugh hefner for showing us how its done and i love the ghost of charles bukowski who haunts what is now known as little armenia.

i love herbal remedies, the woman who makes the tom kha kai at palms thai, the old man who tells me dirty jokes in the morning at the xbi gift shop when i get my oj and bagel.

i love howard stern.

i love my true love.

and i love my mom.

happy valentines day america,

tony

raymi + bunny + bunnie + splinkee + tiffany + raspil + mad pony + steph + moxie

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If 13 people sit down to dinner together, all will die within the year. The Turks so disliked the number 13 that it was practically expunged from their vocabulary (Brewer, 1894).

If you have 13 letters in your name, you will have the devil's luck (Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy and Albert De Salvo all have 13 letters in their names).

There are 13 witches in a coven.

Twelve gods were invited to a banquet at Valhalla. Loki, the Evil One, god of mischief, had been excluded from the guest list but crashed the party anyway, bringing the total number of attendees to 13. True to character, Loki raised hell by inciting Hod, the blind god of winter, to attack Balder the Good, who was a favorite of the gods. Hod took a spear of mistletoe offered by Loki and obediently hurled it at Balder, killing him instantly. All Valhalla grieved. And although one might take the moral of this story to be "Beware of uninvited guests bearing mistletoe," the Norse themselves apparently concluded that 13 people at a dinner party is just plain bad luck.

the Bible tells us there were exactly 13 present at the Last Supper. One of the "disciples" betrayed Jesus Christ, setting the stage for the Crucifixion.

the Crucifixion took place on a Friday.

friday the thirteenth.

- from about.com

On October 13, 1307, a day so infamous that Friday the 13th would become a synonym for ill fortune, officers of King Philip IV of France carried out mass arrests in a well-coordinated dawn raid that left several thousand Templars ? knights, sergeants, priests, and serving brethren ? in chains, charged with heresy, blasphemy, various obscenities, and homosexual practices. None of these charges was ever proven, even in France ? and the Order was found innocent elsewhere ? but in the seven years following the arrests, hundreds of Templars suffered excruciating tortures intended to force 'confessions,' and more than a hundred died under torture or were executed by burning at the stake.

- Tales of the Knights Templar, Warner Books

Someone looked at traffic fatalities in Finland on Friday the 13th as opposed to other Fridays. They found that there were more traffic fatalities on Friday the 13th but only for women. I was asked to comment on this study. Clearly, it could be an anomaly. But my interpretation of the study was that it's generally understood that women are more superstitious than men. If you add that piece of information to the Finnish results, it could be true that women driving on Friday the 13th were more anxious and may have been involved in more accidents because of their beliefs.

- seattle post

did you know that bunnie is back in america. yep. welcome back, baby.

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this week in rock in los angeles

tonight
berlin, the canyon
lee rocker, cozy's
kanye west, house of blues
tony bennet, disney concert hall
mort sahl w/ mare winningham, mccabes

saturday 2/14
r. kelly, la entertainment center
deep purple with thin lizzy, wiltern
billy vera and the beaters, cozy's
kanye west, key club

sunday 2/15
busta w/ lil kim, la entertainment center
snoop dogg's playas ball, key club
the spazmatics, dragonfly
swell, spaceland

monday 2/16
metal shop, viper room

tuesday 2/17
michael penn, largo
cannibal corpse, key club
melissa etheridge, house of blues

wednesday 2/18
becky, viper room
stephen pearcy, cat club
melissa etheridge, house of blues

thursday 2/19
star fuckers, cat club
nina hagen, key club
supersuckers w/ the hangmen, roxy
melissa etheridge, house of blues

la blogs + joz joz joz + kate sullivan

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marc brown took pictures at the tsar show

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im listening to courtney loves new cd via netscapes full cd listening party. this will be my first listen of it and now i will write about it in realtime.

1. mono

did you miss me? did you miss me? courtney asks. yes baby yes. shes screaming. shes talking about ecstacy bad drugs and hard luck. i love her. this track rocks along. it sounds like a song that i would hear in a club from a soon-to-be signed band. i like that. she just said handjob. nice chorus. i love courtney. why does everyone fuck it all up and try to hate her. we need more courtneys not less. i gotta hear it tonight i gotta hear it tonight. she sounds desperate.

2. But Julian, I'm a Little Older Than You

starts out great. lots of words. whoops whats that there. a bridge? fake bridge? oh ok back to the words. i see paris i see france... ok not sure i know whats happening. i can smell her on you everywhere? i see, shes crazy. shes panting now. oi? i hear romeo void here. wheres the saxamaphone? shes a little bit older than us. and because of that she knows where we live. thats the lesson of this song.

3. Hold On To Me

ah, a slow song. we love it when courtney sings pretty like in malibu. this is one of those. this is a song i would cry to if i had a girlfriend right now who broke up with me. i love her voice. what a nice voice. people asked what courtney would sound like if she ran out of songs that kurt wrote for her. i think thats a mean thing to say. but if its a serious question, this is your answer. are those strings? no, psych furs keyboards. im the center of the universe shes teling us. i would call this song fm. its very rent-a-car and listen to the local fm station play aor. if i was courtney i wouldnt play these types of songs anymore. she should ask herself if guns n roses would sing it. or tom waits. this song they would turn off right away.

4. Sunset Strip

courtney sounds like paul westerberg here a little. whoops not any more. she sounds crazy but also adorable and vulnerable. dare i say girlie. she sure licked that l in climb (ka-LIME-buh). bad food bad sex bad tv... take all these stupid things away. like lines like those. i dont know how i feel about this. shes singing pretty good. the lyrics are bad and good at the same time. the singing, theres a lot of it. lots of words. were you jerking off to her or jerking off to me. i would like to hear someone cover this. yes, i would. its building up. you know this is all courtney. im glad theyre not calling this hole. is that whats missing. is that the problem here. too much courtney. did that guy... i got pills cuz im the best and worst dressed... i got pills cuz my coochies sore....

ok im gonna listen to that one again. i like this streaming but the sound isnt all that great. is that the idea? im glad i didnt have to register or anything. thanks for leaving out that annoying step.

it starts off good. about how she has everything. shes on top of the world. but she wants something. look at me for the very last time... rock stars pop stars everyone dies... i know i wont see tomorrow. i like this song. maybe it takes two times. it is a replacements song isnt it. she seems sad. this song sounds like something off pleased to meet me. that didnt make the cut. its better than lots of whats on the radio right now. yes i like it.

cuz we know we're too good for tomorrow. how many suicide notes are we gonna see that written on in pink ink. this is a hard song to sing. she keeps getting more passionate is that the word. it keeps going up. sing this on american idols fuckers. it sounds like a song a guy would write in his first band ever. but better.

5. All The Drugs - hi, she just said fuck. isnt this supposed to be the netscape + aol "clean version"? my children are now totally useless to society. nice bass riff. all. the. drugs. too bad she hates marilyn manson. he coulda helped her make this one sound less 70s although i love that bass riff. its like deep purple. its like a little motorhead. theres that guitar i heard in the last record that made her seem old. hi. courtney is sounding like cher when she says mon-aye. shes saying that all the money isnt as good as all the drugs. its dragging here at the end. i think this is where the good guitar solo should be. this should be a guitar solo song like how moby dick was a drum solo song. eddie van halen would have done nicely since he hasnt done anything in 20 years worth shit. guest in courtneys next record and make her let you play 4-5 minutes of guitar jam in her next middle-less tune. this one coulda used your dying ass.

6. Almost Golden - i think rodney played this last sunday. i like this one. color me impressed. theres that rimshot beat from the last record. might even be the same beat. courtneys voice is doubled on the chorus. doesnt she have a friend to sing with? is melissa in this band any more? doesnt sound like it. that chick from the donnas probably woulda sang with you baby. we'll see which one of us gets out alive? jim morrison is turning in his waterbed in africa. wasnt the end of catcher in the rye something about stay gold. is that what this is about. i hope not. sorta bad song.

7. I'll Do Anything - teen spirit intro. interesting. get me from behind. im shocked. i like this. i cant type. its good. ok bad guitar solo for a second. lots more words. shes good at the words here. she sounds great. this would be an easy video to make. she wants him to throw her against the wall. gimme gimme. she wants it wants it. but why doesnt she want a good guitar player? i thought she was rich. she wants things. not sure what she wants. white boys and big black men? would i do her? again you mean?

8. Uncool - the begining here sounds like "dreamweaver". good. ok no longer good. back to the mellow part. good. wait, bad. yeah this is a song that doesnt know if its a big song or a little song. this is something that should be a b-side. movie song? what the hell is it about. better solo. slightly. she wants to be uncool? keep making songs like this. this band seems totally studio. no heart. no style. no flavor. this isnt hole is it. who's in this band. did courtney play all the instruments. once again, marilyn manson coulda helped you out on this one. he would have wiped his ass with it. and not in the good way. courtney please dont write these sorta songs. this does not befit a rock goddess, t'all.

9. Life Despite God - drunk. screaming. stark. theres an organ. now a tambournie. she sounds like maria mckee after losing a fight. she seems fucked up. i like that. baby baby baby shame on you. karisa said that people wouldnt want to buy her record if she kept getting thrown in jail. i disagree. everyone likes a train wreck. its beautiful with the right lighting. this song has the right lighting. oops i just heard fuck. netscape! my children! damn good song here. nearly blues. here comes the rainnnnnnnyyyeah.

i will

fuck

you up.

nice nice tune baby. some little girl sing this on american idol and she'd straight up win. this is scatty now, i love it. screaming now. perfect. kurt wrote this one didnt he. its so good. lack of production helped this one. nothing got in the way.

10. Hello - shut up, im gonna take your innocence for free. is how it starts with another 70s riff. shes doing the right thing. lots of hellos in the back. this is better than the earlier songs of this cd. why are two pretty damn good songs in there this deep. what if the kids in virgin records at the listening stations have to pee and dont make it this far down.

my babys dead. huh? what happened to this song. why this here in the middle? ok im officially confused. more hellos. i do like that part. will i get this cd. of course. its flawed as hell. maybe i wont. fire! what!?

11. Zeplin Song - second time she has mentioned a bus stop bench. sadly this might be the worst hole song ive ever heard. what is happening here. didnt she spend a lot of time doing drugs during the last few years. this is all you get after all that? shes talking about star sailor. not nearly as well as how pavement talked about stp. is she dissing zeplin. yeah, worst hole song ever. crazy in a bad way.

12. Never Gonna Be the Same - this sounds like a kiss song. a slow one. now it sounds like a motely crue first album ballad. too fast for courtney love. she just mentioned "show a little faith in me" and this tune sorta sounds like shes been listening to that a lot. its nice. maybe she shoulda covered it like mandy moore did so nicely. i like this one too. now it sounds like "goodbye to romance" without that amazing chorus. and of course no randi rhodes. this would be great in concert. lighters everywhere. i hope she plays only clubs. this would kill in a club. how on earth could you put zeplin song on the same record as this song and some of those others? who is telling courtney that shes making some bad choices? did drew appove of zep song? this is nice. thank you courtney. this is a good song.

ok so thats the record. not bad. sorta good. this is one of those instances where the iPod would be perfect. download the good songs and ignore the total failures. her muff-like shrieks are lame. but whatev. she seems to want to talk and sing a lot and i guess that shouldnt suprise me, but its a mighty chatty record. with that come some good lines. definately no trace of corgan or reznor. sad.

next record courtney needs to get filter to back her. or do an acoustic record. did i say folk? i might have. the thing that courtney is doing is trying to rock and i love her for that. but shes a mom. i hate to say it but she is showing some signs of mommy on the edges. shes not your typical mom but shes not the blue jean leather jacket rocker that she is trying to be on this record. the only time she seems dangerous is when its self inflicted. thats not what we need.

if she wants to rock the way it seems like she wants to rock shes going to need help. even neil young has crazy horse. that first hole record had a crazy horse present. this one doesnt. at all. which is sad because courtney is still a powerful presence and has a distinctive voice and collaboration wouldnt be such a bad move on the next one.

courtney called howard stern today + courtney love dot com + virginia anne + gods lonely man

# | |

barbie is breaking up with ken. i dont blame her. fuck ken. women get barbie and we have that dickless prettyboy?

other thank smile, in 47 years wtf has ken done.

he's kept the weight off. i'll give him that. i looked in the mirror the other night and there is a gut there, america. wasnt pretty.

not like ken.

smiley.

ken always seemed like he was waving at something.

what the hell was he always waving at.

fuck ken.

put "ken" into google and whattya get?

you get the substance abuse and mental health services administration.

i dont know why.

maybe cuz ken's a druggie.

which is the secret reason why barbie, who never really seemed to have much use for bro before, kicked his plastic ass to the curb.

the second return of ken into google is ken layne and the corvids.

the best record that came out last year.

if barbie's ken was in the corvids he wouldnt be waving goodbye to her sweet ass today.

btw, all the corvids have hot babes.

# | |

i got invited today to coachella. the huge rock concert in the desert about 90 minutes away from hollywood.

two hot chicks might go. together. they may want to be with them. you know what i mean. every mans fantasy. but because i have been assigned the job of living this way so as to report back to you, this fantasy will become a reality.

heres my only problem.

im old.

im 110.

i look younger than that but its all xbi cgi.

this is what i want from coachella. i want an old fucks sextion.

luxury seats at the rock show.

i want it airconditioned, i want it shaded, i want tv screens. i want it to come with complimentary binaculars so i can see all the lovelies on stage and off, and i want bikini girls to bring me $10 beers (pictured).

i dont need luxury boxes at the laker game. i need them at the 8 hour rock festival.

i dont need luxury boxes at the dodger game. i need them so i wont have to stand stand stand during the cure stand stand stand during the pixies stand stand stand during wilco and radiohead.

sorry, but you really cant dance to those bands and f all of you for pretending that you can.

how am i gonna rock out to Air or Belle and Sebastian?

i love the flaming lips but i would rather sit down and enjoy their trippiness without some dumb frat dick in front of me in my way.

death cab, bright eyes, you will know us by the trail of the dead: i want to watch those bands not get crushed by college kids standing on their tip toes to get a good view.

i want a cushioney seat, i want a place to put my visa card so i can charge EVERYTHING including my chocolate ice cream in my commemorative cup.

and yes, id pay $150 for my seat, per day.

build it and charge my lazy olde ass, hippies.

the entire coachella lineup + bunny is going too!

# | |

john woo says im the luckiest man alive. we bowled at streamwood lanes last night. road trip. some hotties were there distracting us. we went into the match in first place. i had dropped down to being the second best bowler in the league.

we started out with mgds. i didnt have any control and this one particular black girl was looking great. only problem was i was sweating from some shit that had happened in the unfriendly skies during 9-5 and i wasnt at my freshest.

and i wasnt bowling well. i dont know what was the problem but i figured i should at least hit on this babe and distract her from the fact that i was missing spares by justthismuch.

she admitted that even though she looked just like a chick from my sports illustrated desk calendar that she had only been intimate with one man. somehow this didnt help my concentration at the line.

so ordered a round of shots.

she drank the captain morgans and pretended that she hadnt ever before.

mmm this is suprisingly good. she said.

i was all, girl, you know those full lips have wrapped themselves around the good captain before and even though she had dark skin i could see her blush cuz you cant bullshit a bullshitter at the bowling alley of all places.

kid rock played through the tinny speakers next to the bar. i made some headway with the chickie as her friend did her best to cockblock me but i have all the workaround for all the cblockers and maybe one day you will be able to read my best selling book called cockblock this bitch.

what you have to do when someone runs interference is do as the matadors do and make them think theyve got you and then just turn your hips eversoslightly straighten your back and flash that sword and slap that beast on the ass as he bludgeons past you. do it latin style and hear the applause.

did i tell you im part latin?

mais, oui.

somehow the conversation ended up in the gutter which is fine. its good to see the limits a lady will go with you verbally with her friend next to her. if she goes too far in there shes a ho. if she gets flustered you have something to work with. if she wont even go there and puts her hands over her ears or seriously looks truly shocked.

they left in the middle of the third game after the alcohol had hit me perfect and oiled my pitching arm. it was cool.

until the games were over and everyone had left.

my man john woo pulled the truck around. we drove a few blocks and i had realized that i hadnt brought my lil school bag. so we hightailed it back to the lanes.

no bag.

which meant no keys no security bag no cell phone no porn on dvd no Pimp by iceberg slim and all that cash i had heisted from that mother fucker was no longer in my possession.

all i had was me john woo my buzz and his vehicle.

i did remember miss montreals number.

it was nearly midnight.

i had remembered that i had given her that key just the other day.

how i remembered her number is beyond me cuz this lil bowler hardly ever calls the ladies. they call him. ha!

but i did remember and i called and she answered and she said yes come over.

and john woo said dude you went from homeless and cold to having a big titted hottie waiting for you within 5 minutes.

and we sped down wilshire and even the buildings smiled a secret lil smile of youbastard.

best week ever + ravenwolf + bunnie will soon write for lick :)

# | |

i had a phone interview with a big company today. it was a job where i would blog for a living. i think i fucked up.

its hard to answer their questions and not seem too cool for school but isnt that what youre supposed to do?

first question that i fucked up on was when the guy asked me if i considered what i did on my blog what i would do on their blog. i responded in a sorta flippant way.

i said, are you going to pay me to lie about my life and put up pictures of hot girls?

he said no. we want you to write about our projects.

i said ok then i suppose my blog wont be anything like the blog that you fellas want.

there was some silence on the phone and some whispering.

have i told you that the only time one should whisper is when one is in the bed with another?

it is.

i dont think i got the job.

i dont think i want to work for someone who doesnt understand me perfectly. not that thats ever happened before. recently.

im a little weary of people who want blogs on their corporate site who dont truly understand what blogs are for. people who want them just cuz their daughters tell them that theyre cool. they are cool.

im sure they will have a blog. one day. and a good one.

it just wont be any time soon.

and i doubt i will write it.

and if i do theyre going to have to pay me so much its gonna hurt.

fucked up thing about hollywood is the only time some people respect you is if you have a high rate and stand firm with it.

it doesnt mean that youre any good. it just means you know how to be stubborn.

me, i just want to write well.

live well.

rock well.

and fuck tons.

and you wish i wrote like this for your silly little corporate blog that you want your daughter to read.

# | |

anna wants to know why im ignoring her. im not ignoring her. im just not interested anymore. in her. and her dumb ass. which is russian. and married to a boybander. without the decency to britney spears that shit off.

someone bid on my fro. i forget who told me. mighta been my truest. cant remember. today has been a blur.

people need to bid on that shit. my mom wrote me an email this morning and said that even for my standards what im doing is gross.

if it had been a phone call i woulda told her that it shouldnt matter what im auctioning off, its for charity. if i had a bag of dirt on there people should bid so that the poor and the sick and the sexy can get free medical aid from the Hollywood Free Clinic on sunset blvd.

and since when is hair gross?

i know that jerry seinfeld has that joke about how we love hair when its on peoples heads but we instantly hate it when it's no longer attatched.

its a joke because its true, but it shouldnt be true. hair isnt gross. it's hair. its the same thing that we pretend makes someone look good or look bad. hair is dumb. image is dumb. hair in a plastic bag on my chair in my hollywood bungalow is dumb, not gross.

everyone, however, especially those at the xbi say that what im doing is gross.

f them.

what im doing is beautiful. im raising money for a charity. and youre helping.

and its funny.

and its right.

and it makes you think a little.

and for each bid that i get miss montreal says she will come over to my house and please me orally and thats a good thing.

trust me, its a good thing.

and heres what i will do. whoever is the highest bidder, let me know and i will link their website. in fact everyone who bids will get their pages linked. how about that smarties? huh? huh!

the other day i gave a hot girl a key to my house.

i tried to play it cool and say, my maid has one, so you might as well have one.

truth was i didnt like keeping my back door open when she would come over at night when i was in the shower.

scary enough being in a shower alone with nothing to protect you except a .45 and a back door cam, but to have a door wide open for just any old yahoo to slip in through is silly.

i told karisa this and she said, ooooo she can come in whenever she wants and i said yep.

and we drank a two dollar shot and i said yep again. feeling slightly defeated somehow.

which is just as dumb as you all thinking that my fro in a freezer bag is gross. so there.

splink is my role model + ashly writes for lick + bonjour avec boucles

# | |

tsar played last night and im still recovering. $2 drinks on a weeknight are not good things for 110 year old mens.

the band was phenominal. there was a man who couldnt stay cool and HAD to dance and i felt his joy.

at one point karisa turned to me and said how amazing it was that tsar is so much better than every band thats out there right now and i agreed and we clinked our budweisers and then ordered kamikazees and shot them and then ordered rolling rocks and drank them and i toook tons of pics

and i hugged moxie

and i got my bald head kissed by many womens and they took pictures kissing my head and i smiled cuz it made me happy inside.

and tsar played and played and moxie told me that Mono Stereo was her favorite tsar tune, but tsar didnt know that so they didnt play it

but they played lots of new songs that were perfect.

i swear this band is going to come to your town and when they do you must go because this is how its done when you know how to do things.

this is the way of the west

this is the future of rock n roll boiled down to the essentials

rock

hard

lyrics

and pretty melodies

and guitars and drums

and solomon trying to hide out but he cant cuz good shit is good shit and it sticks out like a sore thumb.

i was the luckiest man in the world last night

and when i came home i got on my knees and i gave thanks.

mc brown + moxie has a cute pic of me and her + acccordian guy

# | |

drunk bored restless waiting for karisa to call back cuz shes coming over we're gonna eat pizza and then we are going to the damn show and watch tsar kick all our asses while drinking two dollar beers. how do you beat that? great rock music for free if you whisper free diana ross at the door and two dollar beers.
and im serious for a minute. tsar could be the finest rock band in los angeles. do you know how many times i say that on this blog - tsar is the finest rock band in los angeles and nobody calls bullshit? nobody.

does the music scene in la blow? yes. its blown since guns got signed. doesnt matter. every year there is a great band that plays la for a while until people figure it out. weezer did it. beck did it. now tsars doing it. my recommendation get there early and stand near the front. the power And the subtlety can best be seen and felt from up close.

i should be showering or cleaning up the pad but im lazy and drunk and i really want to play playstation but when i bought that thing i promised myself that i would only play if i did something constructive first. so i will tell you about someone who told me that they have a crush on me. me!

how do you like them apples.

i dont believe it of course but it is very nice. im almost done reading pimp by iceberg slim and he wrote this in the 40s about pimping in the 30s and guess what number his hotel is in downtown chicago. four twenty.

i love this book so. i dont want it to end. i cant see how it could end. fortunately my man has written several books about his pimp life and im going to let something out into the universe. lets see what happens.

pimp needs to be a modern day film starring of course snoop dogg. i would also cast Shaquille O'Neal as "Sweet" the biggest meanest pimp in town who lives in a penthouse apartment and just might be "crazy" and lil kim as "The Runt" his whore. this book is so intensely real its unreal. and the stories and descriptions seem so modern day that its freaky. but the most surprising thing about it is how much attention he pays to jazz music which is always playing. if he gets into a studebaker, or walks into a bar, or goes into an apartment theres either live music, a jukebox, or a record player belting out duke ellington or billie holiday. he beats his whore in one instance as billie holiday's "my man" spins in the corner of the room.

the main character is a tall skinny black man who's main asset is how well he can speak the pimp jive.

i see a cameo from richard pryor as one of the theives in the bar, eminem as one of the bad cops, and of course sam jackson as "Top" the pimp who teaches "Blood" the trade.

spike lee should direct, duh.

snoop would probably do it for a few million, and sam jackson would be the most expensive but he has been in four spike lee movies but none since '91s jungle fever. thats 13 years ago! wtf, sam. lil kim's not gonna cost you anything.

i see a cameo by mariah carey as the woman who educates the young man in the sack when he was a teen.

the movie could be and should be made for under thirty million. a few interiors. no special effects. and if it works out you have a few more books to go to if you want some ready made sequels.

heres ways to mess it up.

hire will smith instead of snoop dogg.

make it modern day.

put hip hop music in it anywhere

fuckers.

leah + rabbit + my afro is for sale

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this is new york fashion week and on monday betsey johnson showed her new line. to celebrate miss montreal came over last night dressed up as an 80s ho. betsey would have been proud.

she had a striped shirt dress that barely covered her coochie, fishnets, bangles, pink earrings, and tall fuck me boots. so i fucked her.

you know youre with a good girl when you reach down the fishnets and you're doing your thing and you whisper that youre sorry but that youre trying to be gentle cuz you dont want to rip her stockings and shes all i dont care if you rip my fucking stockings and she rips em for you.

i suppose theres other ways to know when youre with a good girl but thats one way.

my truest gave me back a few crates of cds that i gave her years back when we split. apparently she never cracked open the ted nugent box set nor any of the motorhead cds or many of the other assorted masterpieces so she brought them over this weekend and last night as miss montreal was over i popped in the first cypress hill cd from my old box of love.

heres a game you can play with cypress hill and a half naked betsey johnson looking canadian girl in your waterbed.

every time that one guy in the background repeats what the main guy says, kiss the girl.

every time they mention drugs of some sort, squeeze her ass.

every time they talk about cops fucking up their shit do something with a boobie.

and like most cds, dont get her naked and dont let her get you naked until the first track is completed. if youre a super good boy wait till the end of the second track.

and of course, dont head for the home stretch until the cd has completed and it starts repeating.

musical cues my friends. life is full of tiny little musical cues to help your unworthy ass out.

ben's daily blarf + regerchris + hosemonster is getting hitched

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good news and bad news.




good news: rick dees is quitting.

bad news: ryan seacrest will probably replace him.

hey radio wonks: you *can* have pop radio shows without incredibly annoying
know-nothing mascara wearing idiots to tell you that youre listening to beyonce

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tsar is playing tonight at the derby in los feliz. have i told you that? they are.

tell the man at the door this password

i cut tonys hair

and you will get in free.

tell the bartender these words

serve me the two dollar beer

and he will only charge you two fifty.

theres food you can order, and room to dance.

theres valet parking in the back.

im sure some pretty girls might show up.

and then of course theres all the people from the blogosphere that will be there.

im hoping moxie will make an appearance since tsar is her favorite group.

maybe some big wig record execs will be there to see what real glam rock is all about.

who knows.

all i know is there will be two dollar beers.

for two fifty.

for your ass.

Tsar
tonight
The Derby
4500 Los Feliz Blvd.

moxie + dirty fez + mist

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a heavy butterscotch moon hung over the ghetto of east hollywood tonight as i drove to the jack in the box to get miss montreal her number four plain.

she hadnt seen my shaved head yet and i was secretly hoping that she was going to take me up on my little dare but life is never as good as what you dream about on blogs and she just wanted to say hi and hang out and drink and kiss a little and watch average joe and smoke some of her wacky tabbacky. she kept offering it to me and it smelled good but nah. dope is fer dopes. hugs not drugs i told her and snuggled up againster as we watched the hottie weed through the men who wished to woo her.

i do have a good life and i realized this on vermont where there appeared to be a crushing use of force between a metro bus and a two door hatchback and im not usually a lookie loo but i saw a man on the pavement surrounded by paramedics totally passed out and naked. i surmised that his clothes had been cut off of him so the doctors could get at whatever they needed to get at.

and let me tell you a thing or two about pavement. back in the olden days when i went to college i was a skater. i skateboarded everywhere and every now and then i would hit an acorn or find a rut in the sidewalk or hit a wet spot and begin to soar through the air with the greatest of ease.

of the many lessons that i learned at the university of isla vista was that road and skin should never rub against each other with any real force. the skin just rips so easilly as if by being alive and young we are simply marinating our fragile flesh.

so i saw this guy face down naked middle of the street etc and i thought whats stopping me from being that guy. i walk around not giving a fuck. i fly around in a damn copter. i get shot at by assholes daily. who's to say that one day that might not be me. and then i thought i know whos to say and i better get right with him or im fucked.

came home and i called my mom and told her i loved her.

hung up and then i told the girl that i was happy she was here.

and then she attempted to suck the life out of me.

then she got pretty close but not really that close cuz im a freak of nature so we adjourned to my chambers and we gave the walls something to wish they could talk about.

thats for damn sure.

then she shaved the five oclock shadow from my head and asked me if i knew how ridiculously adorable i looked which is a very nice thing to say even if its just to be nice

while the saggy moon resisted its inevitable nightly assention into the heavens cuz usually its better in hollywood.

mr sutter has an funny quiz + kevin cole calls my afro auction genius + britcoal lays it out

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best part about living in hollywood is you could walk into a bar at 5:30am and run into just about anyone. karisa, paris, courtney, madonna, flea. it dont matter.

its warm here today. my bald head is the perfect thermometer. it tells me everything. its super sensitive. everything about me is super sensitive. yes, even that. but not too sensitive. i was reading pimp on the bus today which sometimes isnt the best thing to do cuz its sexy and people can see that youre getting excited.

they had a scene in the book where all these pimps were having a party at a pimp party and all their hos were there. maybe not all of them but lots of them were. and this one pimp said that his ho could make this pimp come within three minutes just with oral. and the one pimp said pardon me my friend but i will wager you three hundred dollars that she cannot.

the pimp took the mans money and his associate got on her knees and did her work and in a minute she had won her employer three hundred bucks just like that. and i have to say that i have yet to meet a woman who could make me lose that bet and ive been with some of the most talented and marvelous women in the world. i just happen to have ridiculous control.

ask clipper girl who was over last night feeding me three d doritos as we watched the grammys bored even though it was a hit parade of stars. she said let me find something to nibble on and she let her fingers do the walking from my knee to my thigh to my hi. and i was all by nibble you better mean kiss and by kiss you better mean lick as in sex drugs rock and she was all mmmmm hmmmm and alicia keys tickled the ivories and when she was done i wasnt cuz i have what janet used to have which is control. yes i'm bragging, and sure thats a dare. everythings a dare.

hopefully she will come over soon and give my head a good shave cuz now its starting to itch as the hairs come back. i want it michael jordan bald forever now. im sold. people are coming from all over the xbi to look and laugh and gawk and some get the courage to ask if they can touch it and just like when i had a fro i will always allow people to touch. why not. people are saying they love it. they should love it. whats not to love. i love this warm weather on my scalp. i love the ladies fingers on my pate. i love the way you move.

cubs havent made a move since the dark ages and i cant wait to die so i can haunt the trib corp. first thing im gonna do is shake kurdts hand and bow to jimi and then im gonna ask the big man if i can go be a ghost and just haunt those motherfuckers till they pee their pants and run to their mommas.

dont you want to judge the wet tshirt contest st phil might ask and i will say not yet

what about the icecream cake contest st fred might ask and i will say later later

and he will remind me that i will have a heavenly stomach and i will say dude, i have to haunt those fuckwads

and they will let me fly back to my sweet home of chicago and i will rattle the chains and whoooooo in the halls and give them all colds by rubbing my ass on the doorknobs and i will make up little computer viruses and write things in blood in the mirrors of the mens room

things like

sell the cubs you fucks

things like

sell the cubs you worthless hacks

things like

sign maddux or i will whisper to your wife whats what

problem with the cubs is not enough good souls are willing to come back to earth to help out their old team.

selfish bastard ghosts

mc brown has some commercials up that he starred in + jason + kimbalina

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ive said it before, i'll say it again. fuck the grammys. fuck them for giving my girl who can not only sing but be a fucking rock star one grammy and fuck them for giving their fairy little bitch justin two grammys for riding on the backs of black folks. vegas acts do not get grammys.

bob dylan tom waits david bowie get grammys

oh wait, no they dont, not when theyre in competition with that musical genius dave matthews.

before the lights went up and the cameras rolled and ellen babbled her nonsense about r&b and rap being the same thing (very telling, grammys) tom waits and bob dylan and david bowie and lenny kravitz lost to dave matthews for Male Rock Vocal Performance.

president bush is in office, i work for pennies a day, and dave matthews wins a grammy for Rock over dylan tom waits david bowie and lenny kravitz.

why should people even try if thats what youre going to do.

and justin wins two motherfuckers?

and tom waits wins nothing?

on any other day i would also complain that Evanescence won best New artist but since that is the kiss of death im glad they won. even though 50 cent is the ring tone on every cell phone for everyone i know. not that that makes you deserving of a grammy, but whatevah.

what the grammys dont get is that they still have a shred of cred. their dumbass award actually means something. but when they give motherfucking Coldplay the record of the year over Beyonce, who had the best song of the year, over Black Eyed Peas who had the most politically correct groovy tune in years, over Eminem who had the strongest song of Last year, and over Outkast who had the catchiest song of the year, they out themselves as being the stuffy assed old unhip out of touch jerkoffs who deserve their "industry" being attacked at all angles for knighting the dentist office music instead of embracing the soul.

4 soulful tunes and you award the whitey who married gwennie.

god, save the queen.

speaking of queens, good to see Richard Marx getting rewarded again. song of the year, huh.

fuck the grammys.

were they deciding which dead or dying guy they were going to award? did they figure we'd give some to the dead and some to the dying?

how about awarding the best songs? is that so tough? linda perry wrote the best song. christina aguelera sang it. give it to the ladies and quit being fucking bitches. is that so difficult?

this is why punk rock will live forever. this is why rock was born. this is why every kid in america and canada and all the other places would have taken their gibson and smashed it all over that steinway like dave grohl should have done after they were forced to dumb down their pop hit with arturio sandoval.

fuck the grammys but you must admit my girl xtina looked hot with her little boobies perking out all over.

i love you baby.

and the white stripes showed all those fakers what rock sounds like.

thank you jack white.

madpony + did splinky pull a britney and get hitched?! + steph wants me, i want you too baby

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lick magazine update is up



new this week: six super cool stories, and a chat between Raymi & Bunny!

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beatiful brown skinned girl came over the other night, and i dont remember exactly what we ended up doing but i remember that at the begining i was playing madden 2004 getting my ass kicked by the All Raiders and at the end of it was 24 hours later and i was bald (pictured). yes i have a lil mole.

somewhere in the middle of it she was cold so i turned on the space heater and brought the boom box in the room and she thought she had a minute or two for me to decide on the all important question of what cd i was going to put in there but ah-ha i fooled her and jumped her and we went at it in the silence so that the neighbors could hear everything.

and there was plenty to hear.

then we woke up in the middle of the night grinding and one thing i like about this girl is she doesnt know how to say no and she doesnt ever want to say no and she has never said no to me even though she has said no to pretty much every tommy hillfuckr across this great land but at 4am its just a tease and i told her maybe during the dawns early light and she remembered that and i put in miles' aura and did what came unnaturally and she whispered that i was the man and i lived up to the hype

as always

and when the cd was over we finished and i got up and tossed out the jimmy hat and i looked in the mirror because i knew that it was gonna happen later today and we snuggled up and slept till one thirty.

ordered pizza watched roger & me did it again and then she said are you ready and i said yes but you cant laugh and she said why would i laugh and i said dont even be happy about it and she got the buzzers and dug in.

first with the #3 cover and then with no cover at all.

we put plastic down so we could recover the hair because she had a genius idea the other day and i might still go through with which is to auction the fro for charity and while she was shaving it off i watched shelby lynne and liz phair on the directv freeview and she asked me which charity i would give the money to.

i thought about the united negro college fund but then i remembered about the time i had to take a pretty blonde girl to the hollywood free clinic because a condom broke and we needed the morning after pill and the only place that didnt dick us around was the hollywood free clinic and i remember sitting in the waiting room with all the sad people of hollywood and how they didnt have many video tapes for the people to watch as they freaked out for all the various reasons that they were in the hollywood free clinic. and the blonde girl was freaking out so much that in the middle of her exam she had to come out to the waiting room to sit with me and she was so pale from fear and i held her hand and told her it was gonna be ok and there was a disney film in there and we watched it and i thought fuck disney and how they stole all the fairy tales and made them theirs. no creativity. no soul. fuck disney.

but everything worked out and now every time i go past the hollywood free clinic i put a movie through their mail slot and try to build to their video tape collection.

and before i knew it i was bald and the hottie was telling me how adorable i was and she took all these pictures and she begged me to smile but i was tired and drunk and tired and i always look like an idiot when i smile for the birdie.

then she had to go to a goth club and left me and i tried to work on lick but i was exhausted from all the lustin and i ate a cold slice of za and laid down in front of the tv and fell asleep and woke up during weekend vibe and then went over to splinkys site which if she deletes any of the good shit that shes written this weekend will be a crying shame cuz its super good.

and now im watching an old saturday night live during the era when eddie murphy, brad hall and that chick from seinfeld were on the cast and all the phones they are using have cords and my kids will probably never see a few things in their day: modems, phones with cords, and me with a fro.

cristina + brian + jaime

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