dear fcc commisioner colin powell jr michael powell,

your excellency,

i know youre not in the business of fining black people, but i think in this case you must make an exception.

i heard that oprah winfrey during her oprah winfrey show this week discussed a horrible sex act that is not only sexual (which you cannot talk about between the hours of 6am and 10pm) but mr powell it was also excratory.

oprah winfrey had a woman on her show telling people what a Tossed Salad was.

3/18/04:
WINFREY: OK--so--OK, so what is a salad toss?
Ms. BURFORD: OK, a tossed salad is--get ready; hold on to your underwear for this one--oral anal sex. So oral sex to the anus is what tossed salad is.
Hi, Mom.

mr. powell, wtf is that all about?

and dont say it was "educational".

my teachers never told me to hold onto my underwear before they taught me how to do long division.

i applaud you for digging back to 2001 and deciding to fine him for discussing a blumpin, which i was appauled to learn from his show was getting you knob licked while you took a dump.

how utterly sickening.

next thing we'll have is jessica simpson telling her husband that she wants a dirty sanchez or a gorrila mask.

but wait, thats cable so its cool.

kids dont watch mtv.

and your job is to protect the kids, right.

then stop oprah winfrey.

she is on when kids are home (3p, 4p) and parents arent.

at least most kids are in school when howard stern is blah blah blahing with strippers and celebs and political figures, but oprah is a far greater threat.

and how did she get so much damn money?

she only has one show!

i dont trust her michael powell, but that isnt relevant. whats relevant is she talked about sex and scat in the same sentence. it was on tape, she coulda bleeped it or edited it but no, she ran it and sold commercials around it and put it on every tv station she could.

too bad this didnt happen after the senate is bound to pass the indecency bill because then you could have fined her a half million dollars in every market that she said those damaging and sickening things, because then you could have put her out of business and bankrupt immediately.

fine oprah or reverse the howard ruling.

or youre a republican uncle tom bitch only interested in fucking with whitey.

which im cool wit.

love always,

tony

gorilla mask + beautiful mistake + metrosexual

# | |

tonightsdate: all I know is that I am horny as fuck and I am counting down the hours until I can rip your clothes off....and I am dead serious

dumbme: you have a key, right?

sometimes life is good.

sometimes life is very good.

i know two people having birthday parties tonight.

im not going to either.

im going to have a little party at my house.

one with a hot chick with huge cans, a big smile, long blond hair, and a fetish that involves knocking on my door in a miniskirt and a fake blood on her forehead claiming to have just been in an auto accident and asking to use my phone.

shes an act-tress.

loves to act.

always tries to get me involved.

im not much for the role play but she scripted something good for me and ive learned my lines.

im the crumungeoney recluse who is up to here with women.

im the one who hasnt gotten any in so long that i dont even look at chicks any more.

while on the phone she sees my trophy room and realizes that at one point of my life i was a big time director and she asks me about it and i tell her that i was a porno director and she is shocked and then curious and asks how a man wins an award in directing adult film and i mix her a drink and reluctantly show her my reel.

all while secretly wishing for her to leave so i could go back to my liter of tequila and my tear soaked pillow.

of course she gets turned on by the video. it is award-winning after all. and of course that leads us into sex.

and five minutes later it's over.

tonights date says how horny she is, and thats nice. i wish i was. i wish i was motivated to do anything. i just want to drive but you cant just drive on a friday night in hollywood. especially if you dont have a car. all you can do is sit in traffic.

tonights date says how she wants to rip my clothes off but im wearing a weezer tshirt that i love. its a white ringer tee that has a chinese leftover takeout box thats smiling and says weezer under it in quasi-chinese writing.

i would prefer that it would stay in tact.

i wish i was motivated to do anything.

i know i have to put Lick up this weekend. i was hoping it would get done tonight but who am i fooling. only im getting done. Lick wasnt put up last night or the night before and i should get Raspil to do it but i dont think she wants to either.

its not that im losing interest in Lick im losing interest in everything cool.

not only do i blame the president and the month of pisces but i mostly blame society.

and myself, naturally.

this is what happens when you hand genxboy everything on a silver platter.

he says hey fucker, wheres the gold one

and sits back down on his futon.

sk smith + photodude + vodka pundit

# | |

have i told you that i love courtney? i do. what other rock star is letting brothas pose for pictures like this at Wendy's late at night?

not phil collins, thats for damn sure.

speaking of brothas, ive gotten lots of email but not many comments on the FCC Chairman's email below.

at first i thought it was fake, but now im believing that that email truly was from Colin's son.

As the Daily Stern reported today, the FCC fined Howard Stern $27,500 for talking about an oral sex act that occurs when you're taking a #2.

The conversation occured in 2001.

Ironically, yesterday, Oprah Winfrey had a guest on who was talking about... of all things, Licking someones ass

precisely what I discussed yesterday morning

for your asses.

anyway, let's compare and contrast what Oprah discussed yesterday with what Howard got busted for:

3/18/04:
WINFREY: OK--so--OK, so what is a salad toss?
Ms. BURFORD: OK, a tossed salad is--get ready; hold on to your underwear for this one--oral anal sex. So oral sex to the anus is what tossed salad is.
Hi, Mom.

7/2001
Howard Stern: Well, a blumpkin is receiving oral sex while you�re sitting on a toilet bowl if you are a man. You�re sitting on a toilet bowl and uh, while you�re evacuating you receive your oral.
Robin Quivers: Ick.

the difference is Oprah didnt get in any trouble, and Stern has to hand over the equivalent of a Ford Explorer.

normally I would have scratched my head and wondered why Stern would get punished for it, but after Michael Powell explained so clearly that this is about him trying to stick it to the White Oppressor, it makes a lot more sense to me.

so thank you Chairman Powell for the FCC exclusive.

brotha.

goldman + case + kimbalina + ev + sutter

# | |

The people have demanded it, and so here it is.



The Busblog Yahoo Fantasy Baseball League

League ID#: 16459

Password: blogger

Live Draft TODAY at 2pm Pacific

click here to join, but be prepared to lose to me mwahahahahaha

# | |

To: tony@tonypierce.con
From: "FCC Chairman Michael Powell" <mpowell@fcc.gov> Add to Address Book
Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 18:50:38 -0000
Subject: Whaddup G

Yo Tony,

I've been reading your shit. It's good. But why you gotta hate?

Straight up: What's a brotha got to do to get a time-out in this hizzy?

Shit bro, I'm just a struggling Black man trying to make a difference up in this piece and you're doing your best to fuck my shit up and all I wanna know is what's up with that, player?

Fuck. I hate whitey as much as you do. Lord KNOWS I do. You do too! So why you wanna cock block me from taking down that hook nosed half jew Howard Stern and all the other whiteys like Bubba the Splooge Fuck and all the rest?

White man suddenly doing something for you?

Didn't think so.

Several ways a brother can fuck with da man HARD:

fuck his daughter
fuck his son!
take his money
ruin his shit
fuck his wife
move next door to him and build a bigger crib than his ass
use his own laws against him

Who's the most hated Black man in America, tony?

OJ motherfucking Simpson. damn straight.

why?

Because OJ fucked the man's daughter, took his damn money, moved door to his ass, and got the Dream Team to get him off the hook based on "reasonable doubt".

nothing massah hates worse than having his own shit fly back at him when he least expects it.

But I'm smarter than OJ, tony.

and more powerful.

i now have the ability and the blessing to fuck with whitey every damn day.

check it, my man it's my job.

and who gave me this job? the first black president ever: your boy William Jefferson Clint-tone.

bubba hooked my ass up, whispered in my ear, asked me to be cool till W was up to his neck in bullshit, and right after miss jackson did her little dance i got a letter from the president as chuck d would say.

and i ran with it.

and nobody's stopping me

infact those pasty ass whiteboys are fucking helping me, cousin!

i laid it out like this "its something that your peeps could be cool with cuz its anti indecency, its cleaning up the airwaves, its making things straight."

when all along it's fines that will break the banks of shock jock jokers, and their bosses, and soon, the stations themselves.

stations owned by whitey.

bubba's laughing his pimp ass off right now and you should too my brotha cuz theys a crazy nigga up in the hen house and no hen is safe in this piece.

so lets squash this thing you got for my ass.

everything isnt what it seems to be.

no brothas own this shit right now so no brothas gonna get hurt.

infinity, clear channel, all that shit is going to come crashing down. they can run their fool asses to satelite all they want.

the people are going to get their airwaves back, and a black man is going to give it to them.

holla at ya boy,

mp

daily stern + belle du jour unmasked (laexaminer/laexaminer) + buzznet gets written up in the la times (buzznet/buzznet)

# | |

me and karisa are gonna get married. dont tell her boyfriend.

i think tom vu is right. i dont have the guts to make a lot of money. i dont have what it takes to go to one of his free seminars. im so old you wouldnt believe it. i should be loaded by now. with my good looks and charm and wit and brains. shit. i should be pulling down five figures by now.

super hot chick at work has been reading this blog lately. she asks me why i do so well with the ladies. im honest when i tell her i dont know. i tell her its cuz i dont get paid, i dont have a car, i dont have my youth any more, so the lord had to give me something.

i asked her if she wanted to come over to the crib saturday night and she passed.

thankfully.

i wouldnt want to get into another fight with miss montreal. even though our makeup session was pretty right on.

she said she dreampt about me the other day. yes day. it was a day dream. how incredible to get daydreamed about.

the xbi has these one way glass rooms. its for interrogating. all we ever do... not we... them... all THEY ever do in those rooms is beat peoples asses and give them xbi tattoos. what they do is beat the bad guys to a pulp and then put an anchor tattoo on their shoulder and put "jimmy" or "merle" underneath it so everyone thinks theyre gay.

i think the whole thing is gay.

anyway, i was in there today watching some dudes interrogate some dudes and i saw myself in the reflection of the window and i was all, what? these chicks dont mind looking at that? it was baffling.

unfortunately one of my buddies was reading my mind and esp'ed me with

if chicks had taste john mayer wouldnt sell so many records

and i was all, but i dont even look like john mayer!

then i heard the tattoo guy roll his shit into the interrogation room, i heard the familiar whirrrrrr of the tattoo shit and they said what name are you dudes putting under the anchor.

and they looked around and said

tony.

and thats the luck ive had today.

good and bad luck.

cuz as much as i love karisa she wouldnt let me have the two au pair girls that my babies would need, and she definately wouldnt go for the live in gogo dancer that i'd really like in my advanced age.

and what would we do when the redsox face the cubs in the series this year?

sigh.

kate sullivan + candied ginger + annika

# | |

some people like having their ass licked. i dont. but some do. i probably shouldnt say i dont cuz ive never tried, but i doubt that i would like it. still i think people should be allowed to have their ass licked, and im glad that in most of america people still have that right.

i like to listen to howard stern on the radio. i also like to watch him on the tv. some people dont like him and thats fine. many havent even tried to like him and thats fine too. still i think that people should be allowed to listen to howard on the radio and watch him on the tv, and im glad that in most of america people still have that right.

someone asked me why the democrats helped pass the indeceny bill that cruised through the house the other day. this is the bill that would fine a performer up to a half million dollars for doing things like saying the word fuck, exposing a nipple on tv, or talking about excretory thingies.

i told them that the dems are smart enough to know that the bill isnt something that they want to fight over right now. theyre about to get the white house again and the only way that they could fuck it up would be to come across as Pro-Ass Licking

or worse... Pro-Howard Stern.

i can bitch all day long about how the repubs are taking freedoms away from regular americans, imposing their will on nations around the world, and ruining our economy.. but at least theyre not afraid to do Something - even if it's terribly wrong, immoral, and backasswards.

but the dems are pretty much just chickenshits getting whomped in the political game at every turn.

they let their excited, strong, angry man get removed because he was excited.

if ever there was a moment for someone to say, excuse me but fuck off, it was the day after the "liberal media" gave him a hard time for the Dean Scream. instead he hesitated and lost steam.

like a bitch.

seems to me that only one Dem has learned from the bushies that politics in this new century isnt about being classy or playing by the rules, or being smooth, or smart or graceful, and thats the guy who says things under his breath when he knows his mic is on.

the one Dem who will be the next president of the united states.

a Dem who isnt going to get faked out by bullshit bills that wont be enforced once the Dems regain their rightful place again. rightful cuz they did the right things when they were in it last time, rightful because they got more votes in 2000, rightful because theyve shown themselves as being better at that gig right now.

they just suck at getting there and staying there.

maybe its too much to ask for leaders who can be courageous about fighting the right fights and defending those who arent politically correct to appreciate.

maybe im too idealistic when i think there has to be a few hundred Americans who can articulate their ideals and have the ability to communicate them to the people who have elected them as representatives.

maybe im nuts to think that we need to go back to throwing people out who are paid to represent us, but turn the tables and inflict their values on the people when it should be the other way around.

the dems and the repubs are there because we are here doing our thing. Somebody has to work out the details surrounding laws and taxes and shit like that so we hire those representatives to do that crap on our behalf.

they should not be making policy, they should be doing our will.

and we're just as bad cuz we keep voting these motherfuckers in.

some people like being told what theyre supposed to like. i dont. but some do. those people are called fashion victims. theyre not called voters.

be a voter

and when you do vote, may i recommend that you vote from a place of reason, not a place of manufactured fear

sublog + george must go + coyote

# | |

happy st. paddys, shane macgowan. who i cant believe is still alive. i love the irish. one was once used by one of the hottest irish girls you'll ever meet. in the morning i woke up and told her that i didnt remember what we had done and she was kind enough to refresh my memory.

ive been to many nations. never ireland.

the last time i made a ton of money it was due in part to a nice irish man. some didnt think he was nice. i never had a problem with him.

once i found myself in a foursome. three girls and dumbass. one of the girls was irish. weeks later she would get on my bed with me and her roommate and my roommate and we all tried to make out right there but we ended up laughing all night instead.

my favorite beer is guinness.

my favorite prepared drink is baileys.

last time i cried at a concert was at u2.

my favorite restaurant is mcdonalds.

these are my favorite pogues cds

rum sodomy and the lash
if i should fall from grace with god
yeah yeah yeah yeah

my favorite quarterback is donnovan mcnabb

the brits however made this commercial about their favorite swear words.

# | |

two of my favorite bloggers quoted me today and yesterday. usually im flattered, but recently ive winced because i just havent had the time to take my time and get into whatever it is that im typing about. sorta sucks but whatever. even halfassed i still write better than the idiots who comment against me, so its cool.

mr. doc searls of the santa barbara searls's quoted a large chunk about my support for howard stern and then mr buzzmachine of the daily stern jeff jarvis took the same quote for his blog.

poor jeff gets gangbanged by ignorance every time he valiantly rallies behind the king of all media, showing us all how it's done. im not sure i could do what he's doing. i must admit, i am a bit of an approval-suck. if my core readers didnt want me to write about something and Obviously didnt get it, i, sadly, would probably become persuaded to quit the fight, but not jarvis, he keeps his head down and continues to whale away at the body unaware of the uppercuts from the emptyheaded.

whats supremely ironic is that the anti-sternites seem to want a direct line from the president to howard stern getting dropped by clear channel, and yet they arent at all interested in direct lines for seemingly more important debates like how we're still in a motherfucking war with a country because our leader said they had weapons of mass destruction.

certainly they're smart, but these fuckheads just dont want to admit that this is how the line goes:

* howard dominates morning radio, which dominates how people start their day
* bush didnt win the election
* bush fucked the economy, got us into a war from lies and deception to distract us from his previous fuckups
* bush is now up for re-election
* bush appointed colin powell's son to be head of the fcc
* howard, who usually votes republican, starts calling bullshit on bush
* janet jackson shows the world her weird nipple thing
* colin's son who has never done anything realizes he has to do something about that nipple
* colin's son goes overboard cracking down on things that have nothing to do with nipples on tv
* to appease colin's son, a subcommitee drags Clear Channel to the hill to have them explain how they will conform
* the morning Clear Channel is to testify, they drop Howard Stern from 6 markets
* two of those markets are Ohio and Florida - states Bush has a slim chance of winning, states where Every vote matters
* Clear Channel initially claims that Stern was dropped because his show that day was obscene and offensive because a caller said "nigger" and "spic". The Nation called this excuse hogwash.
* the FCC did not fine Stern that day because legally his show was neither obscene nor offensive
* Clear Channel replaced Stern in most of those markets with pro-Bush Michael Savage who is best known for being fired by MSNBC last year for anti-gay statements and telling a caller that he hopes he gets AIDS and dies.
* Clear Channel who has a history of funding the RNC now refuses to pay Stern for the remaining portion of his contract with them
* Strongly endorsed by the Bush administration, the house passes a bill that would fine a radio performer up to a half million dollars for indecent material. ony One republican congressman votes against it.

free speech is free as long as you're a republican who doesn't talk about sex.

and lying is not indecent, unless youre martha stewart.

doc searls + buzz machine + dick cheney is a bitch

# | |

i get every tv channel on gods green earth and for the last two hours ive been surfing the web and watching of all things american idol. what a horrible show. are there no more good unsigned singers in america?

simon and the black dude had a fake little fight to make the show interesting, but American Idol is over. fuck it. it's dead.

my truest called. some people dont like it when i call her that. including her. whatev. we only spin around this fuckhole once. may as well be honest to people. she called. she used to talk to me about her work and i used to not want to talk to her about it. now for some reason i have become a better friend and i want to listen and help and of course once we get into it she tells me she doesnt want to talk about work any more. its funny.

as always i begged for her hand in marriage again. i told her that if she said yes i would run across town to her awaiting arms. she said thats like 11 miles! i said fine, id run to the busstop. which is funny because when our love was first blossoming i wouldnt even walk two blocks to her house. lifes funny. not funny haha. sometimes its not funny at all.

some asswipe just turned on the lights. fuck that.

im at the xbi now. its not where i want to be. i dont know where i want to be. i want to be in iv. i want to be alone. i want to be where grumpy olde men like me should be. on the porch of an old hotel in a rocking chair looking at the sports pages for the third time commenting about the skinny young ladies and their tiny little rat dogs trying to outdo each other by talking about the amount of times we used to beat off as teens. please let there be a heaven. please let there be one. even if i cant get in, please let there be one cuz maybe maybe maybe i can get in there.

there is a heaven and its zip code ends in 117.

a young girl in another state chatted with me last night and told me that she is completely shaved. completely. there used to be a time when that would have put a smile on my face for a good week. those were the days.

another even younger girl wrote me a very sexy story for Lick about how she wants to get it on with someone soon. how great she'd be at it. and i bet she'd be great at it. that made me happy.

but i laughed out loud maybe 9 times talking to my truest, but if ever there was a closed door thats it. might as well be bolted. might as well be a door on the 100th floor of tower #2.

at least i dont live on the east coast.

and another thing, fuck st. patty.

hey red + jaime + bored housewife

# | |

Look what Karisa emailed me!

FIRSTS
First job: papergirl
First self purchased CD: cd? Madonna "Borderline" was before cd�s, right? CD- no clue.
First piercing/tattoo: emeralds in my ears at age 5- and a sun on my ankle at 18.
First true love: Derek (puke)
First enemy: lynn cyr (poor girl)

LASTS
Last big car ride: to las Vegas with angel in mid-feb.
Last kiss: My boyfriend yesterday morning.
Last library book checked out: last books I bought were �wicked�, �candide�, �dubliners� & �deadeye dick�. No library in awhile L
Last movie seen: Starsky & Hutch - two stars
Last beverage drank: water
Last food consumed: cottage cheese w/strawberries
Last phone call: bf
CD played: Jay-Z- the black album
Last annoyance: my drive to work this morning
Last pop drank: coca-cola
Last ice cream eaten: fudge tracks light
Last time scolded: last weekend
Last shirt worn: my blue adidas

I....
I AM: slightly bored
I WANT: to always have fun
I HAVE: a good life
I WISH: my best friends lived closer
I HATE: celery and any types of beans and any type of violence
I FEAR: becoming boring
I HEAR: the very cheerful secretary behind me
I SEARCH: for good times
I WONDER: where I�ll be in 5 years from now
I REGRET: smoking for so long
I LOVE: my friends and family� and vegas
I ALWAYS: want to see/hear/learn something new
I AM NOT: angry
I DANCE: in my car and in da clubs
I SING: when i drive
I CRY: not as much as I should

YES or NO:
YOU KEEP A DIARY: no
YOU LIKE TO COOK: yes!
YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVE NOT SHARED WITH ANYONE: tons

DO YOU...?
HAVE A CRUSH: just on my bf
WANT TO GET MARRIED: I don�t know�
GET MOTION SICKNESS: only when moving backwards
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: yeah� Sigh�
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: blondish-brownish
EYE COLOR: blue!
BIRTHPLACE: holysmoke, mass

FAVORITES
NUMBER: 12
COLOR: blue to see, black to wear
DAY: sunny days- but preferably sunny saturdays
MONTH: august
SONG(S): depends on my mood.
SEASON: are there different seasons here?
DRINK: watchusett blueberry when on the east and sierra Nevada when I am way out west. And champagne anywhere and everywhere in between.

PREFERENCES
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: make out
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: neither. Not a huge chocolate fan
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: white
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: I like sugar candy.

IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED? No.
HELPED SOMEONE? I think so.
BOUGHT SOMETHING? No.
GOTTEN SICK? Yes!
GONE TO THE MOVIES? no
SAID 'i love you'?: no
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: hell no
TALKED TO AN EX?: yes, oddly- if im counts!
MISSED AN EX?: no
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: kind of.
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: yeah.
MISSED SOMEONE? yes
HUGGED SOMEONE? no
MADE A BOY MOAN? Unfortunately not

kerrie carnes + souptree

# | |

god i hate the yankees. but the question is, do i hate the yankees more than the republicans? no. because even though the yankees cheat and steal and dont play fair, nobody ever dies. my life isnt affected by george steinbrenner directly. gas prices dont change when they sign their fourth $100 million player.

it's also hard to root against republicans cuz thats like rooting against your left foot. i can boo the yanks all day long and i can boo the president but i cant really root against him because thats like hoping america fails and i wouldnt ever want that. ever. which is one huge difference between lefties and the others. the lefties at least understand that even when the election is stolen, you cant actually Hope for the biggest budget deficit of all time and the highest gas prices ever cuz thats not good for the world.

the yankees going on a 100 year losing streak, however, is good for the world. if derek jeter and a.rod slipped in the shower today, strangely that would be good for baseball. but if osama continues to run free thats not good for america or the world.

and even if he's caught under bush's watch that doesnt mean that bush should get re-elected.

unless bush catches him himself.

singlehandedly.

which is another difference between the liberals and the o'reillys. the right hated clinton so damn much they wouldnt have been cool with him no matter what he did. not surpluses or prosperity or peace or growth or anything. he wore the wrong color hat so he was hated. blindly hated. no matter how good he was for the country and the world. blowjobs dont matter so much when you think about how a man is doing for his country and for the planet. nor should they.

but republicans are so uptight about sex be it via gay marriage or radio talk show hosts or nipples on the superbowl that they couldnt care less what it does to the country they want it out of their face. even if its not in their face. and thats why they suck worse than the yankees.

ultimately i suppose we need the dark side. we need the so called establishment. regardless of how damaging they are to everyone around them. how ugly they play. how they abuse the spirit of the rules.

we need them to feel better about ourselves.

no matter how big a fuckup i am now or will be in the future, i will never be as big a loser as the president of the united states who wipes his ass with the constitution, who has lockjaw from blowing the rich, and whose fist stinks from fisting freedom.

and no matter how hard im destined to fail one day, it wont be as bad as when the yankees dont win the world series this year despite having a rod, jeter, giambi, matsui, posada, bernie, and shef.

in the end, baseball is great because you cannot buy a world series. you can buy a team but you cant buy a title.

some things, mr. president, can not be stolen.

and thats why bush sucked as a baseball owner.

but we cubfans thank you for trading away sammy sosa.

like i said, there is a reason for the darkside.

its to make us feel better.

sk smith + moxie + sheila o'malley

# | |

FIRSTS
First job: crew memember, McDonald's
First screen name: Hewhorocksmightilly
First self purchased CD: Dire Straits: Making Movies
First piercing/tattoo: the bible is against tattoos, sigh.
First true love: Mary
First enemy: Joe Stillo, didnt last long

LASTS
Last big car ride: to Isla Vista with Bunny
Last kiss: Miss Montreal, this morn
Last library book checked out: Long Talking Bad Condition Blues, Ronald Sukenick
Last movie seen: Starsky & Hutch - two stars
Last beverage drank: Minute Maid orange juice
Last food consumed: poppy seed bagel w/ cream cheese
Last phone call: work related, blah
CD played: Jay-Z, MTV Unplugged
Last annoyance: the fact my phone never stops rinigng
Last pop drank: diet dr. pepper
Last ice cream eaten: mint chocolate chip
Last time scolded: yesterday by the man
Last shirt worn: Gorillaz, bootleg concert longsleeve


I....
I AM: dumb
I WANT: a writing job
I HAVE: amazingly good luck
I WISH: more than i apply
I HATE: the president and the congress
I FEAR: that I will die without accomplishing anything cool
I HEAR: the View through my earpeice
I SEARCH: for links to the busblog (blush)
I WONDER: when i will ever grow up
I REGRET: not going to Prauge in the 90s with my pals
I LOVE: you
I ALWAYS: want to blog more
I AM NOT: as happy as i appear
I DANCE: more than you think
I SING: when i drive
I CRY: about once every two years

YES or NO:
YOU KEEP A DIARY: no
YOU LIKE TO COOK: no
YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVE NOT SHARED WITH ANYONE: i have no secrets

DO YOU...?
HAVE A CRUSH: not really
WANT TO GET MARRIED: yes
GET MOTION SICKNESS: rarely but it does happen
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: no, but i am a clean hands freak
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: bald
EYE COLOR: bloodshot
BIRTHPLACE: washington dc

FAVORITES
NUMBER: 97.1, howard stern baby
COLOR: black
DAY: opening day
MONTH: october
SONG(S): wrong, tsar
SEASON: bikini
DRINK: captn and coke

PREFERENCES
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: make out
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: chocolate milk
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: dark
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: chocolate

IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED? no
HELPED SOMEONE? if you want to put it that way.
BOUGHT SOMETHING? yes. foods. drinks.
GOTTEN SICK? no. sneezed though.
GONE TO THE MOVIES? no
SAID 'i love you'?: no
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: hell no
TALKED TO AN EX?: no, weirdly
MISSED AN EX?: no
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: if you count this.
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: Yes
MISSED SOMEONE? yes
HUGGED SOMEONE? yes
MADE A GIRL MOAN? oh yes

got this from mesawyou who got it from sepi and i would like karisa to do it

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leapfrogging the senseless bounds of common decency and rudimentary reason miss montreal returned my text page with a simple one.

as you know one means yes and two means no.

and today, i found out just an hour ago, luckily

wasnt

opposite day.

sometimes just agreeing to pick me up take me to kfc and bring me home is enough for me to rip a girls clothes off before the magically salty grease on the popcorn chicken has a chance to finish hardening.

just the night before i thought id never see those tan eyes again

and there they were

oh, canada.

and let me tell you another thing about this one

her friends chip in to get each other semi expensive presents.

instead of everyone giving little bullshit birthday gifts

or no gifts at all

her friends are classylike

on account of being canadian, probably.

they all chip in twentyfive bucks

all twenty of em

and they each get good shit.

or in this case get rid of it.

except for a tiny landing strip.

using

"lasers"

i was all how did you know i loved the eighties

and when i was done her toes were curled

just like bunny said theyd be

offline adventures + stinson + chelle

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a year ago today

Friday, March 15, 2002

i was trying to prove God to this buddist at the baja fresh and i saw my old boss signalling me from the salsa station.

my old fbi boss.

i excused myself and met him in the men's room.

"long time, agent."

"not that long, really, seems like yesterday." i said.

"hows the xbi treating you?"

"the what?"

"ok, well, whatever. tony we want you back."

"im touched."

"we miss you and we need you."

"you cant afford me."

"what, are you suddenly materialist? has the xbi spoiled you?"

"it's not money that i want."

"figured as much, what do you want then?"

my old boss wasnt much of a negotiator, especially with me. all he would ever say is "no."

"i want my old flying car back and i want to be a superagent, and i want my old territory back."

"sorry kid, no can do. santa monica is taken."

"yeah, i know, by your son-in-law. is he still in the hospital?"

"hal is back, he's fine, thank you."

"well, those are my terms, my fish tacos are getting cold."

someone knocked on the door, my boss yelled, "one sec, buddy." then he said, "we could get you your car."

"and i want to pick my partner," i added.

"next you'll be telling me that you want to pick your boss."

"get me santa monica back, and let me pick my partner and i'll be happy with you as my boss."

"boy, that's a change."

my boss always liked to get close to me and whisper in my ear. that never sat well with me, but i understood his motives.

he said, "i'll see what i can do, agent. but your partner has to be someone from the bureau. none of those xbi hoodlums."

i washed my hands with hot water and soap. my boss looked at his male pattern baldness and primped. i dried off with the papertowels and threw all but one in the trash and used the remaining towel to protect my soon-to-be fishy fingers and opened the door.

like a gentleman i allowed my boss to exit first.

he said thank you and as he passed, i attached a bug to the collar of his suit coat.

i like steph's buzznet pics + and tiffany's + and teera's

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i like bob seger as much as the next guy. but is he on par with prince and george harrison? fuck the beatles, but i had no problem with harrison. mostly cuz he made up for it with the wilburys and all those terry gilliam movies.

fuck the rock n roll hall of fame.

fuck pretty much everything. howard stern was right this morning. rolling stone wants to put him on their cover and write about his problems with the fcc and at first he was going to do it, but then he realized that this wasnt His problem, it's Everyones problem. for 20 years hes been doing his show and the public has been eating it up.

nothing that he does is obscene. it's about sex a lot of the times, but that doesnt instantly make it obscene.

the radio waves are the public's airwaves. how public is it when one company owns 80% of it? how public is it when a few republicans are dictating what can be broadcast? how public is it when the number one broadcaster is suddenly deemed obscene the same month he comes out against the president of the united states?

i know a lot of my elected officials read this.

and some officials, like senator clinton read this too.

if you fools dont start fighting the repubs on this issue and on the issue of free speech and of the issue of censorship and of the issue of assholes bulldozing their quote unquote morals all over my shit im going to not only vote them out but vote you out too.

where is the main democratic voice standing up and saying, oh no you didn't!

do i have to elect the audience of the jerry springer show to run my senate?

do i have to move to canada?

do i have to open up a coffee shop in amsterdamn called expats?

do i really have to get an internet radio show called devil radio where i get one of those voice boxes that alters sound so i sound like the Great Deceiver and all i say is stuff like, "this is devil radio, give me your soul!" and play metallica, maiden, zeppelin, and britney?

you know ive never owned a pair of air jordans?

you know how clean my house is?

you know how sleepy i am?

prince deserves better than to be inducted alongside bob seger, thats all im saying.

its cuz hes black that hes being dissed like this, isnt it?

maybe its cuz hes just so damn funky.

my truest and i heard sinead do nothing compares 2 u in the launderia and she almost started crying cuz its so good, still.

and me, i just loved that part where she goes, i went to the doctor you know what he told me you know what he told me

he said girl u better have fun no matter what u do

but hes a fool.

free stern + howard stern dot com + buzzmachine

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remind me to never return from vacation again.

woke up cold. woke up beat. fucking dreams which have left me alone for years and years and years came back with a vengeance this last week.

unlike most people im not a fan of dreams. those little lies that catch us when we're at our most vulnerable. and unlike most people i usually have incredibly sound, refreshing sleep. which is why i dont need much of it mostly.

got on the train. hated everyone. got in the elevator, hated the old man who stuck his big paw in the way of the door as my car was about to lift up. hated the lady with the baby. hated the kids.

even though it was a pleasure to keep the company of ms bunny mcintosh, my idea of a vacation is to sit on my couch and watch tv and sleep and fart and eat and get tired of doing nothing. our lil redhead from georgia was an excellent guest but on saturday when she had left i was finally able to relax.

yesterday i still wasnt completely at ease, however, because half the girls i date were incredibly jealous of the fact that i paid so much attention to one girl and not them and all but one of them didnt even want to talk with me.

this did wonders to my stress levels which rarely go much higher than barely there.

unless im at work where they're always at max levels.

why am i living the life that im living, america?

what great sin am i paying for?

part of me thinks that if i had just stayed in hangoverpark, ill i would have a house a mortgage a mini van, some kids, some wives, some dogs, and something in common with the rest of my high school graduating class.

instead i dont even know whats going on.

i thought about what new job i could have while i sat at the busstop. i remembered how they used to have a guy standing at the stop at wilshire and western, he had a walkie talkie. he would tell the busses to get the fuck over there. kept everything running smoothly. during the bus strike they got rid of that guy. i think i would like that job.

i keep thinking i want to be a high school teacher.

fuck that though.

now im thinking i should just be a benefactee.

someone that people can leave their fortunes to when they kick off and want to piss off their kids.

that ones sitting better with me.

leah + bloopy + it's my life

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the clock says it's five fifty five. clipper girls cousin says that i can have one of her vicodins if i need it. but why not stay up late on saturday. thats what theyre for.

ive caught up on all of my television. bill maher, real world, survivor, i saw scream for the first time, watched the lakers win, saw the apprentice, howard stern... listened to fridays howard stern thanks to torrent, watched nick and jessica, blind date, pti. why dont people believe me when i tell them that i need to just crash out a few times a week, and i was overdue.

my neighbors have pretty much completely beautified the neighborhood with flowers and plants and bamboo things and landscaping, and it's downright gorgeous.

the sun is going to beat me to my bedroom.

today i ate two tv dinners, a can of soup, cheez-its that tasted like chicken n the baskets, drank diet mountain dew code red, regular coke, water, and diet pepsi.

i also ate mission tortilla rounds dipped in fresh salsa.

rose magowan looked hot in scream.

throughout the day i put together the bunny meets tony photo essay.

it was tough cuz what do you say really.

plus the pics dont ask me why turned out pretty great.

i think its cuz im doing the right thing with the white balance.

who knows.

all i know is howard stern is getting screwed and the only person paying attention is jeff jarvis.

and that thats the last picture of bunny this week, i promise.

low culture + jaime + kevynn malone

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