tony + mary!
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nothing in here is true


   Monday, April 03, 2006  
dear best friend in africa,

i miss you. i miss you a lot. every time the phone rings i think of you. every time i want to pick up the phone i think of you.

you know i dont call anyone on the phone and you know i dont pick up the phone unless its you or my momma.

im so sorry i havent written you earlier. im horrible. and ive been sick. and ive been traveling like a mad man.

i got your email and your letter and your card and your smoke signals. i think i got your carrier pigeon but i kept shooing him away and finally he just pooped on my porch.

i think ive been sick because i miss you. i know i have been traveling and staying out late so as to not think about you. i know that there is something wrong with me because youre not here but dont take that the wrong way, im just adjusting, and you know Libras have a hard time adjusting to new things.

today is opening day and if you were here id have taken you to dodger stadium. you would have tried to go to work but i would have worked out something with your boss so she'd know to give you today off.

lately ive been going to movies a lot. plus the academy girls have been servicing me with dvds while ive been ill so ive probably seen more movies in the month that youve been away than i saw all year.

spikes film was great, and your girl natalie portman was in a movie that made me cry.

i cant imagine what life is like in africa for you. i cant imagine sleeping in the dirt or in the cold or having to walk places for water. i cant imagine not being able to eat fast food, or watch people suffer, or knowing that theres massive violence happening a hundred miles away.

you really are an angel and i cannot imagine anyone better to represent america than you and i cant imagine anyone who id rather meet if i was a dirt poor human being in the most impoverished country in the world than you.

i promise that i will write more. i dont know if you want to be in touch with the "real world" but if you do im here for you, not that my life is real, if anything its the most unreal anywhere. but if you want to know whats happening outside of the impenetrable forrest i will let you know.

barry bonds had a book written about him saying that he was taking steriods and now the commissioner of baseball is launching a full blown investigation. as if baseball didnt know that steriods was happening.

howard stern got 30% of his listeners, like me, to pay for radio. meanwhile david lee roth is doing so badly in nyc that theyre probably going to fire him after just 2 months, and adam corrola is doing so bad in LA that hes in dead last place. both markets were #1 for howard for years. things are so bad for CBS that theyre now trying to sue howard in an act of desperation, but all its done is keep howard in the news and make more people want to buy radios to hear wtf hes doing.

what hes doing is great. people are allowed to talk normally. there are far fewer commercials and last week these girls demonstrated the fucking machines.

i miss you so much that i really will visit you in africa this christmas.

i promise,


ps im soooo happy i didnt loan you my ipod, it broke, and after i told my readers they donated enough money for me to get a new one. i had a new one within two days. so crazy! i told you things are unreal.

pps i took a picture of luke wilson in texas at a buzznet party and he was all pissed off and i told him to save that shit for hollywood.

If you'd like to send a nice letter to our friend in Uganda here is her address

Chris Spurny
P.O. Box 29348
Kampala, Uganda

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